It's not me you were waiting for

• KEVIN'S POV

I glanced at Jonghoon's gloomy face as we were walking away from G.NA sunbae. He was staring at the ground. That's when I thought: standing by your real feelings doesn't make you feel any better. Jiwon was my label mate, I knew her better than he did. And I knew the outcome too: Jiwon wouldn't pick him as a final choice. It was too late by now and I knew about her obsession for Minhyuk. Nobody knew but we'd text at night... I could confirm then that he'd end up alone. It was just too late.

I repressed the need to pat his back, figuring it wouldn't help him.

I breathed, the cool air running past my body. Looking at the greenish scenery, those beautiful lands of Jeju... I wondered how such a nice place could hold such a heart-torning show. Minhyuk joked around a bit to lighten the atmosphere but it didn't work as long as expected since we all recognized in the distance Eunyoung's form. I tensed, my heart racing a bit. I tried not to but ended up anyway stealing a glance at N. He was wearing that Poker Face but I sensed the outcome. He wouldn't go back to her. To follow his so-called true feelings. I didn't get how he suddenly changed his mind for Jiwon. But who was I to judge? The only thing bothering me was in the middle of this yard... waiting for N.

For N only.

Just like the whole cast, she, Joo Eunyoung, would stick to what felt right, her first impression, her first boy. N. This was probably the problem: everyone was there, wanting to be Hyungsik-Jihyun like... But no one was close to this. Or maybe actually... maybe Eunyoung and I were the closest since we'd often end up together (clothes' tastes, failing at music game, etc...). But unlike my dongsaeng Hyungsik and Jihyun sunbae, we had been looking at someone else. I tried to look at Eunyoung after all the coincidences, but once again... it was too late. It was only N for her.

Here we were, in front of her shy-self. As usual, she was nicely dressed and beautiful. Thinking about it, it was weird: she was by far one of the prettiest person I ever landed my eyes on... the little attention she got didn't fit her. She was a lovely young woman, mature, fun... Of course she was crazily shy but it was pretty rare not to have a show-off in this industry and it made her more likeable. She was charming and touching... Why so little attention then?

Maybe everyone thought it's okay since she's all this, she'll find someone else? Aish. Kevin, you're thinking way too much.

Brought back down on hearth, I gave a small smile at her greetings, so small I bet no one saw it. We were all so tensed, a smile was too much of an effort.

The four of us formed a perfect line and we all listened to the instructions given. But I barely listened... And like that, time rushed and stopped when she looked down and when the nerve-cracking countdown started. Ten. No one moved and we all stood in that same line. Nine. I still sensed everyone's presence. Eight, Minhyuk stepped back. I thought then: it's on. Seven, he was walking back while Jonghoon turned around. Six, Jonghoon left too and I knew he would be questioning me as I stayed still. I was too questioning myself. Didn't I make Jiwon my final choice? I did. So why was I stuck there? To confort Eunyoung of course. I care for the young and sweet maknae of Two-X. Why was Jiwon my choice then? I wouldn't have minded to stay there.

Five, and I foolishly remembered why: it's not me. I'm not the one that should go up to her. The one was still standing right beside me. What if he stayed? If he did, I could at least leave with a light heart. I wouldn't see these tears again. No, that's not it, I would actually not know about the tears while walking away... If he stayed, there would be no tears.

Four, my heart dropped a bit. The last boy on this line with me had made his choice. And unexpectedly, I was the first one to be alarmed by it. I got scared of her reaction, whether or not she'd cry. I knew N wouldn't stay though... but looking up at her, eyes closed, keeping her head down low nervously... not knowing it was already over.

Three... I realised it was over for me too.

"Eunyoung-ah"

Her name came out soft as I approached her in two big steps. She looked around me... She realised, right? He wasn't there, it was just me. Once again, it prooved who she wanted to see... but she only had me. I slowly wrapped my arms around her and patted her back.

I'm sorry I wasn't fast enough for her not to notice right away he was not there. I was sorry I wasn't that boy who should've stayed. I was sorry I couldn't stop the tears from coming. I was sorry to have only a hug to give her... before leaving.

"I'm sorry" I said, finally leaving with a last squeeze on her arm.

Yeah... when I left her, I really knew it was actually over for me too.

Nothing really mattered after.

"I thought you'd stay for a moment... It'd have been normal" Jonghoon told me when I joined the three boys.

"Normal but not possible for me" I smiled at him.

I saw N's head shot up at this. His face turned into a torn grimace. I repressed a sigh and kept on walking. I knew we'd be going for the same trip together. Therefore, I decided it was the best to let him deal with it by himself.

"She'll be fine... she's courageous enough for this" I added though. Jonghoon nodded at my words.

• EUNYOUNG'S POV

It's silly but a part of myself still believed N would maybe stay. While the other part was coaching me to cope with the near rejection. But I didn't expect what happened next.

"Eunyoung-ah"

I shot my head up and opened my eyes, not registering right away whose voice it was. I looked around with my eyes and then noticed Kevin making his way towards me. I was a bit confused, no one was supposed to call my name.

Suddenly arms embraced my body. A small smile formed on my lips. I didn't expect it but it was totally something only Kim Kevin would have done. He always tried to make me feel better. For a moment, it did work. I only thought of his compliments two days before, how it was sad not to have him for the group date with G.NA and N, how he awkwardly hugged me before failing again and again... so many awkward moments but the most bearable, the funniest, the sweetest in some kind of way. I thought 'at least I had beautiful memories... at least I had Kevin there'.

But it all faded as he broke the hug, my numb hand dropping from his back. I looked at his sad smile. I thought, he used to wear way more beautiful smile...

"I'm sorry"

My heart cracked a bit. By these words, I knew it was all over. I didn't realise right away as I focused firstly on this sudden embrace. But now he left, I felt it was over. Over for N yeah, but even with him... everything was over. Kevin wasn't staying of course, there was Jiwon unnie... But I thought it wouldn't have been bad if he did stay. It was egoistical but after my heartbreak, he was the one helping me. Now, he was leaving me to deal with this.

If Jiwon was picking N, Kevin would be there to make me feel better, right? But if she was picking him? Would I stand it?

I dropped on the floor.

Kevin said on our last date that it was 'destiny'. But today destiny didn't bring us together. Today, I wasn't his destiny. N might not have be mine but Kevin wasn't either today, and it was a first. Today...

It was not me.

• KEVIN'S POV

Jiwon slowly shook my hand and did the same to N almost right after. I smirked, unbelievable. Yet it was happening. She rejected the both of us. That was strong. But I liked it better this way. N didn't get pick by her, Eunyoung wouldn't feel too awkward. She didn't pick me either. If she had ever picked me after all of this, it'd have felt wrong... Honestly, I knew it'd have been wrong for the two of us. I didn't like her that much compared to the others' feelings. She was just a logic and nice choice... In her case, Jiwon expected Minhyuk anyway.

We walked back together with a light heart, well at least I felt like this.

Through our way to the bus, Jiwon shot me some glances though as if she wanted to say something. I smiled and almost randomly stated.

"Eunyoung's fine"

It wasn't loud but she heard it and nodded. Only N didn't catch it, being in his thoughts. I wondered how he was feeling like. If he was thinking about Jiwon or Eunyoung... or just about himself maybe.

"She could be mad at me" I heard Jiwon's voice a few step behind me.

"Eunyoung isn't like that. She gets mad at her own self... and castes curses"

I mumbled the last part with a small smile and picked up my pace. I didn't stay with Jiwon. I didn't mind her being disappointed by Minhyuk. I couldn't talk with her. It was awkward. It was real awkwardness. Not the comfortable and funny awkwardness from Eunyoung's weirdness or from my shyness. Jiwon wouldn't bluntly say what's on her mind. Or on her heart. It's not to Jiwon I was going back. But Eunyoung.

Maybe it's not love.

Maybe it's not me that you're waiting or looking for.

But it's me you'll find anytime. Me that will go back to your side.

So even if it's not me today... would you give a chance to a 'us' tomorrow?

So if it's not me today... just like everytime after, I hope someday in the future it's going to be us.

Today, it's not me.. so I'll wait for tomorrow.