A Beautiful Love Like Ours

Kim Jongin & Jang Hye Ju

It has always been complicated for him to find the right timing for everything, whether it was to confess to a girl he liked, asking a question, or even finding the right time to eat. His schedule was always hard on him because he was the dancing machine of EXO and the first one that is to be shown to public.

There was no problem with being the first one, but what made things so hectic for Kim Jongin was the fact that he could never find the right timing for anything. Not even texting or calling his girlfriend of 3 years, Jang Hyeju, of how he’s doing or checking in on her to see how she’s doing and if she’s healthy. That was what made him so stressed.

He worried for her and he sincerely cared for her, but because of his schedule, it stressed him out.

Whenever he found a chance to call her, someone would call him in and told him that the manager was looking for him. Their calls and texts would always end up with her saying, “I’ll text or call you when you’re not busy. Don’t worry about me & work hard, okay? Hwaiting!”

Yet, as much as she says, she never does call or text him and it was always Kai doing it first because he knew as much as she did that Kai was always busy. Due to him being busy, she doesn’t want to bother him by contacting him and waits until he can do so.

It saddened him that she’s still keeping up with such a crappy relationship when she could’ve left him and find someone better than him. Someone who was willing to let go of everything and give all his time for her because she deserves that much. She deserves happiness and Jongin, she seems like she was anything but happy. At least that’s what he thinks.

How can someone be happy when their other half is barely with them or and barely gets the chance to even talk to them?

Now, don’t get him wrong. Jongin likes Hyeju. He LOVES her even, but he’s not making her happy, so what was he supposed to do? Of course, he has to let her go. He wants to. He desperately wants to let her go because he wants her to find happiness quickly.

Without having to ask her, he knew that Hyeju sulks in her room from being in this relationship. Lord, was this even a relationship anymore? It was a question that Jongin ponders about a lot. One that hurts him from thinking that way.

But was it really a relationship anymore?

It was a broken relationship that was worth millions of gold. As much as it cost, it was broken. Who would want it anymore?

And that was why today, Jongin was going to come out flat to her. He was going to tell her to let it go and find someone better.

As much as he hates the idea and cried over it the past few nights thinking about it, he had to do it. He’s just a trainee who is soon to debut. The first teaser isn’t even out yet. If that’s the case and their relationship that was once so perfect is already tumbling down and so complicated like this, what would it be like when he debuts? What would it be like once he gets more fame and become even busier, knowing that there are people who are looking right after him watching his every step?

Of course it would be hell. It would be hell for him, but it would be more than hell for Hyeju, and that was the exact reason why he was going to do this. He doesn’t want to put her through hell anymore.

“Hyung, you said that today’s Luhan’s turn to shoot the teaser, right?” Jongin questioned their manager as he leaned back onto the mirrored wall in which EXO practices for their debut.

The manager nodded, “Yeah, it’s Luhan’s turn. Why?”

“Do you think it’s okay if I go out for a bit?” he wondered. “I’ll be back in an hour. I promise.”

His manager gave him a suspecting look before agreeing. “Fine, but only for an hour. We might redo your shoot, so you have to come along with us to the shooting area.”

Jongin cursed in his mind upon hearing about more filming. “Alright. I’ll be back.” The trainee got up, swinging on his sweatshirt before leaving the building in a hurry.

He didn’t want to be stopped just in case the manager changes his mind.

As Jongin neared the coffee shop, he slowed down. Through the huge window of the café shop, he could see the female that he yearned to see since forever. Seeing her for the first time since a long time, his heart ached. He missed her so much to the point where seeing her, here and now, he felt as if he had just gained all the doors in the universe to go anywhere he wanted. Freedom.

She was still as beautiful as ever. Just like how he had remembered. The smile she gave to customers that came in was still as bright as ever.

His expression saddened. *I’ve miss you so much, Hyeju.*

He didn’t expect her to look up after wiping the tables to see him standing outside looking at her. Her smile slowly faded and was replaced with wide eyes, not expecting her beloved boyfriend to be there. As surprised as she was, her eyes shown of happiness and joy. Jongin could see the look in her eyes that tells him that she had missed him just as much as he missed her.

Jongin managed a smile and waved at her before entering the shop.

Hyeju quickly left the towel unoccupied on the table and ran to give her boyfriend a big tight hug. He quickly returned the embrace, taking in the smell of her hair, Raspberry Vanilla.

She pulled back and smiled brightly the way she always does whenever they see each other. “I missed you! Your manager finally let you off for today?”

He smiled sheepishly, nodding. “Yeah, for an hour only though.”

Hyeju pouted upon hearing the information. “An hour only?”

“I might have to film again today,” he informed her in which she could only nod. She didn’t like the fact that she could only spend on hour with her boyfriend, but she was pleased that she even got to see him today.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were gonna come? I could have asked  for some time off for today,” she suggested. “Then, we can at least spend an hour with each other.”

Jongin couldn’t help but feel a pang against his chest before shaking his head. “I don’t want to bother you in such a way. Plus, I didn’t necessarily… plan to come today. I just have some time off for now and asked to come out.”

“I see.” Hyeju regained her smile before dragging her boyfriend over to the table she was wiping earlier. She made him sit as she took the towel and gave the table a last wipe. “Would you like something to drink or eat?”

Jongin shook his head. He didn’t want to drink or eat anything. He couldn’t. Either ways, whatever he ate or drink wouldn’t ease the pain that was stabbing at his heart. “I’m fine.”

“I’m getting you something anyways,” she laughed before trotting off to the counter.

A sorrowful smile lit up on Jongin’s face. This was the person he was going to miss a lot. The person he’s going to miss forever, because today, he knew what he was going to do.

Hyeju came back within minutes with a strawberry smoothie in her hand and sliding it to Jongin before taking a seat across from him.

“So, how was filming for your teaser?” She wondered, striking up a conversation.

“Tiring,” he admitted before taking a sip of the smoothie she had brought him. If she had already gotten it for him, might as well drink it, right?

She softened as his chosen word. Of course she knew it was tiring for him. She reached her hands over to him, surprising him, but he kept still.

“I know you’re tired,” she claimed as her hands gently grabbed his face. Her thumbs glided over his dark bags under his eyes lightly. Hyeju looked him in the eye. “You’ve been restless, haven’t you?”

These hands that were on his face, he was going to miss them so much. He brought his hands up to his face and pulled hers away, capturing them in his and holding her hands tightly, yet with care. “I’ll be fine.”

*Hate me. Why can’t you just hate me for keeping you caged up in a relationship like this, Jang Hyeju? You’re making it difficult for me.*

“Our debut is getting closer so I’ve been thinking a lot. That’s all,” he replied quietly. He looked at their interlaced hands on the table. They both fit so perfectly. Their hands were just right together like this. Sad thing is, this is probably going to be the last time he’ll ever get to hold her hands ever again. The idea saddened him.

Hyeju noticed her boyfriend’s troubled face. “Is something wrong? What have you been thinking about?”

He swallowed and met eyes with his princess. *Us. I’ve thinking about us non-stop, Hyeju, and I’m scared. I don’t know if I’m going to do the right thing. I’m scared that losing you will darken my world, but if I keep you, I’m scared that your world will darken. Hyeju, help me. I love you so much, but I’m so scared of letting you go.*

“I’ve just been thinking about my filming. Earlier, the manager said I might have to re-do my shootings. I’m not confident,” Jongin said, placing a smile on. A smile that he wasn’t sure about.

Hyeju sighed in relief. For a second now, she really thought that there was bad news. “Is filming that bad? You make it sound like it’s plain torture.”

*It is, because it keeps me away from you, my princess.* Jongin cracked a fragile smile. “Just a little. The director never seems to be satisfied with my shots.”

“Oh, gosh. You all really need a rest,” Hyeju laughed.

“Hyeju,” Jongin spoke up, earning the soft eyes of hers to look up at him. “Can you tell me something?”

“Uh, yeah. Sure, what is it?” She wondered.

“What do you…?” He hesitated. He wasn’t sure if that was the right question. Was it what he wanted to ask? Yes, it was a question in which he wanted the answer to, but it was a question that he was afraid of, yet, he continued anyways. “What do you think about our relationship?”

The question caught her off guard as she did not see it coming. Her brows furrowed.

“Our relationship,” she repeated after him. She paused and thought for a second before a frown slipped onto her face. “Jongin, are you doubting our relationship?”

As she had expected, he didn’t answer and averted eyes from her to his drink on the table.

Pain flashed in her eyes. “Why are you doubting our relationship, Jongin? Did something happen to cause you to doubt?”

“What do you think about our relationship, Hyeju?” Jongin questioned once more, the hurt in his voice strongly visible as he ignored her questions.

She sighed heavily. “It’s not… Perfect.” Jongin flinched from her answer, but didn’t say anything as Hyeju continued. “Yet, it’s not bad either. We may have our ups and down, but that’s supposed to be part of a great relationship. Our relationship is beautiful, because we both love each other. That’s all that matters.”

*’We both love each other and that’s all that matters’… Jang Hyeju, are you stupid? I always keep you up, waiting for me. You’re always waiting for me. It’s always you, so how can you even say it’s beautiful?* “Do you like a beautiful relationship?”

Hyeju smiled warmly and took his hands into hers. “Of course,” she replied sincerely. “A beautiful relationship only like ours.”

Jongin softened. He was breaking inside. It was hard to even look into her eyes without having to tell her what his thoughts were. He averted eyes and slipped his hands away from hers, only causing her smile to wash off and create a frown.

*You’ve suffered so much from this ‘beautiful’ relationship, though.* “I have to go back soon,” Jongin spoke, his voice soft, yet, serious. “I can’t stay long.”

Feeling quite disappointed, Hyeju kept quiet.

“Yet, that’s my fault that I have to go back soon,” he continued.

“It’s not your fault,” she rejected. “It just so happens to be part of your schedule.”

“It’s my fault that my schedule was formed to be this way,” Jongin retorted softly. “And it’s my fault that I can’t see you much because of my schedule.”

“It’s not your fault, Jongin,” Hyeju argued, her forehead creased as her brows knitted. “Stop blaming yourself.”

“It’s my fault that when I come out to meet you, our meetings are so short.” He didn’t bother to reply in any given way that he was implying to her.

“It’s not,” she denied.

“It’s my fault that I always disappoint you when I have to leave you.”

“It’s never your fault that I’m disappointed.” Her voice trembled. She doesn’t like the way this conversation was going. She was afraid of this conversation.

*You’re still disappointed nonetheless. I’m sorry, my princess.* “It’s my fault that every time we make plans, I end up canceling them.”

Tears already started trembling down her face as she had no more to say. She knew exactly where this was going and no matter how much she denied the fact that she knows, it can’t be helped. Because if one of the two in a relationship has already decided to go on their own way, it’s up to the other to give up.

Jongin’s heart ached upon seeing her tears stroll down. He took a deep breath and focused his sight on the table. It was the only way he can stay strong throughout this without being selfish and telling her that he needs her. He needed to end this strongly and this time, he can’t be selfish about it. He won’t be selfish about it.

“It’s always my fault that you’re waiting only to be disappointed,” Jongin swallowed. “And I’m sorry that you’re always waiting for me. I want you to know that I’m truly sorry.”

Hyeju silently cried as her fists clenched under the table.

“I think it’s time for you to find a beautiful relationship.” He was beginning their torture. He was beginning the words that he was going to regret for the rest of his life. “And leave this dead relationship.”

“It’s not dead! It’s beautiful!” she argued. How dare he call their relationship dead? “It’s beautiful as long as there is love, Jongin. Don’t you see that? We love each other! This relationship is anything but dead --”

“It’s dead because I’ve already left!” he interrupted her, only to feel the sorrowful pain that stabbed at his chest immediately.

He, too, was as shocked as Hyeju upon his words.

*I-I’ve left already…? Did I just say that?* Yet, he kept his cool. “It’s dead…” he swallowed hard, processing the words through his mind. “Because I’ve left it… I’ve already left the relationship.”

“What are you trying to say?” her voice shook, her eyes wide.

“No matter how much you love me,” his voice grew quiet. The atmosphere was suffocating as of now, and Jongin felt as if he couldn’t breathe. “It won’t bring me back. That’s how things work. No matter how much you love someone, if they’re not even there anymore, the love you’re giving is just going to waste.”

Hyeju was left speechless before she took a deep breath and wiped away her tears. She was trying to appear brave and strong.

*MY princess. My princess, Jang Hyeju. I’m sorry. I know you will never forgive me, but I don’t want you to suffocate anymore.* “I think this is the best for you and me.” Jongin played with his fingers under the table. “If we endure it just a little longer, we’ll be set free. I won’t have to worry about hurting you anymore and you won’t have to always wait for me to actually show up for a date.”

“Has it ever occurred to you that I chose to wait for you? That I want to wait for you?” Hyeju finally spoke, her voice solemn and broken.

Although he wasn’t sure how to respond, he did so anyways. It was time to pull out his ultimate card. The knife that will forever leave deep scars in their hearts.

“Don’t be a burden,” he spat. He knew his words had stabbed her heart to the core and it surprised her in the least, but he had to end this somehow. Because he had already started this, he must end it and mustn’t get weak. “To be quite honest, it’s annoying. I don’t want to go to sleep every night, knowing that you’re waiting for me when I can’t be there. Jang Hyeju, please let me go. I only came today to ask you to let go. You’re making it hard for me to debut.”

There. He said it. He had told her that he wanted to end it, using his dreams as an excuse. It was cruel, Jongin knew, but he knew it was the only way.

“Am I really a burden?” He knew that Hyeju was concerned, no matter how heartbroken she was.

He nodded, answering her. He didn’t trust himself to speak. As much as she was hurting, it was him that was lying. The pain was more than a million icicles repeatedly stabbing his heart.

After some minutes of silence between them, Hyeju stood up. Quite surprised by her actions, Jongin looked up at her, whose eyes were red.

“I’m sorry that I’ve been a burden,” she whimpered, trying to hold back more tears. “I should’ve known that I was the one troubling you. If I’m making it hard for you and your dreams, then I’ll let you go. I just want you to know that I never meant to be a bother to you or any of the members.”

“It’s good that you know now,” he muttered loud enough for her to hear. *I’m such a jerk, but you’re so strong that I have to use this tactic for you to let go. I don’t want to hurt you, but I have to. Hyeju, please understand me.*

Ignoring his comment, Hyeju continued, “I only hope the best for EXO. I’ll look forward to your debut.”

“Don’t,” his soft eyes matched with hers. “Don't watch our debut if you’re not ready to. I don’t want to be the reason for your tears.”

“I never knew you were such a jerk,” she tried to joke but failed immensely. She sighed and dabbed her eyes with the back of her hand. “I-I have to get back to work now. Please... enjoy your stay.”

And with that, she quickly scurried to the back of the store, where only employees were allowed in. And when she was out of sight, Jongin let out a breath that he had been holding in. He could feel his heartbeat accelerate from what had just happened. He could feel his eye sight blur as tears brimmed his eyes. He clenched his fists tightly, his knuckles turning white.

All of this, but he refrained from crying. No. Not here. He wouldn’t cry here where it’s risky.

He took a deep breath and left the café shop. It was only fair for her if he left her work place.

Throughout the walk back to the SM building, Jongin held back his tears, not even one had escaped his eyes. He had to keep strong till the end.

He returned to the training room to see the others member laid out across the floor, tired after practicing.

“Oh, you’re back,” Suho noticed as he sat up. “Where’d you go?”

“Manager hyung said that you left to go somewhere,” Sehun stated. “Did you buy any food? I’m hungry.”

“I didn’t,” Jongin replied shortly, walking over to the bench and sat.

“Then where did you go?” Kyungsoo got up and joined the broken-hearted guy on the bench. He noticed Jongin’s red eyes immediately. “Were you crying?”

Jongin stiffened, but relaxed immediately, not wanting to make anything obvious. “No, I was just running. The wind speed is incredible out there right now, so my eyes just got watery.”

“But your voice sounds like it’s going to crack anytime right now,” Baekhyun pointed out. Besides him, Xiumin nodded along with Chanyeol.

“I didn’t get any water after the run.”

“Smile,” a voice commanded as the door to the training room opened. There stood Luhan by the door way as he made his way inside the room with his bag of training outfit and supplies swung over his shoulder.

Jongin averted eyes and looked down to the floor.

“You can’t even smile,” Luhan muttered with pursed lips. He walked over and set his bag down besides the bench before walking over to the mirror, and sat down, leaning against it. “You usually would.”

And Luhan was right. They were all pretty close, and truth be told, Luhan got along best with Sehun, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t all too close with Jongin. He was, actually, and sometimes it freaks Jongin out that Luhan knows him so well without having to say anything to Luhan.

Just like now. He knew that Luhan suspects that something isn’t right, just like everyone else in the room.

“Are you done shooting the teaser?” Jongin tried to change the subject. “How was it?”

“Tiring,” Luhan answered neutrally. Luhan knew that Jongin was changing the subject, and he respected that.

A prick to Jongin's heart was made as Luhan had answered. That was exactly what he had said to Hyeju, his now ex-girlfriend that he still loves with his whole heart and life.

But with that answer, Luhan knew he had hit a spot as he noticed the expression change in Jongin’s face. It wasn’t obvious, but it was noticeable. Noticeable only for him.

“Ah,” Chanyeol sighed heavily. “Tomorrow’s my turn to film.”

“Same here,” Kris groaned.

The members seemed to have bought Jongin’s lie as they had started talking about other matters, but Luhan was different.

Instead of being engaged to their conversation, he intently paid attention to Jongin. He knew something had happened, but he kept quiet. He’ll get his answers later.

Later, when it’s just him and Jongin.

It’s been days since the incident and another filming day for Jongin.

Everyone had noticed his change in behavior. He wasn’t as lively as before, such as he didn’t talk much, didn’t joke much, he didn’t even eat as much as how he used to. There were minimal times when he smile.

Talk about laughing. As much as the members remembers, they haven’t seen nor heard him laugh at all since that day. It worried the members a bit, but they didn’t say anything.

As for the filmers, they loved it.

Why?

Because Jongin has taken filming a lot more serious now. The director was impressed with the effort Jongin had put into filming these days. There were barely any mistakes and he noticed that Jongin’s expression for today’s filming was perfect.

Today, the teaser Jongin was filming for was their song, ‘Baby, Don’t Cry’. The filmers and the director had noticed that he had put a lot more energy into this song than the others and they loved it. They loved his energy, his flow, and his expressions. It was perfect.

But of course, they didn’t know. None of them knew the truth about the pain he portrayed.

After a long day of filming, he returned to the dorm only to find Luhan and Chen there. Chen was knocked out on the couch while Luhan was watching some drama, eating a bag of chips.

“Where are the others?” Jongin asked as he took off his shoes.

“Still training,” Luhan replied without looking over. “Chen felt sick so we came back.”

Jongin nodded understandingly before entering his room, shutting the door.

It was always like this, since that day.

He would come back and go straight to the room he shared with Kyungsoo. Whether it was during the night time or day, he’d go in and lay on the bed, or so Kyungsoo would tell the members.

It may have not seem like it, but Kyungsoo had been asked by Luhan to keep an eye on Jongin and notice if he’s doing anything strange in the room.

Much to Luhan’s dismay, all Kyungsoo had said is that all Jongin really does is goes in and sleeps.

Although it wasn’t such a strange thing to Kyungsoo, Luhan knew something was up. And curious he was, he knew what that something was.

Minutes after Jongin had entered his room, Luhan turned off the T.V and sighed. He wanted to talk to Jongin. He wanted to confront the guy. It’s been sort of lonely now that Jongin was like this. The EXO members found it quite uncomfortable.

He got up and placed the bag of chips on the counter before stretching.

He looked over at the door of his friend’s room before walking over to it.

Luhan brought his hand up and was about to knock before the sound of whimpering stopped him.

And there it came again. Sound of whimpering and sniffing.

The sound of crying.

That was what stopped Luhan from interrupting. That was what made Luhan walk back to the couch and turn on the T.V to watch the drama he had been watching.

Because he knew that Jongin was crying.

And because he knew why Jongin was crying, Luhan didn’t confront him.

He was going to let Jongin cry, just for a couple of days more, so that it’d be fair for Jongin.

Because breaking up with someone you truly love with all your heart and your whole life hurts more than anything in the world.

Because that means losing someone, the most important person in your life.

And because Luhan knew Jongin’s case, he was going to let it slide. He was going to act as if he had never heard Jongin cry.

It would only be fair if Luhan left the matter be and let Jongin go through the process alone, because that was what Jongin wanted thus the reason why he didn’t tell the truth to the members.

But Luhan knew about it all.

After the incident that day, Luhan called and asked Hyeju if she knew if anything was wrong with Jongin because he had been acting slightly out of place. Her answer had shocked him to the core as he was left speechless before he heard her start crying on the other side.

‘I’m setting him free for his dreams.’ Luhan remembered, was what she had said. ‘He personally came to ask me to let him go for his dreams, so he’ll be able to debut. I hope doing him this favor will make him go far in life. I only want the best for him.’

*Every love ends up in tears.* Luhan smiled a melancholy smile. Of course he knew the feeling of Jongin and Hyeju’s love, and he knew that they will forever love each other in secrecy even if their story had ended like this. *Just like mines... How are you doing, Ching Lan? My gongzhu… I miss you.*

Of course Luhan understands. He understood the painful feeling perfectly.

Because he, too, had gone through the same phase.