❀Alone... Not Anymore by ElizaLee
bi a n d ca shop || graphics❀review || BUSY | NOT ACCEPTING REQUEST
TITLE : ALONE... NOT ANYMORE
AUTHOR : ELIZALEE | REVIEWER : BRIDGET22
TITLE 1/5
THE TITLE DIDN’T CATCH MY EYES. IT GIVES OFF TOO MUCH OF YOUR FIC. IT DOESN’T MAKE THE READERS WANT TO READ IT. MAYBE EXCEPT THE TAGS/PAIRINGS. I CAN'T RECOMMEND YOU ANOTHER TITLE. I THINK THE TITLE YOU HAVE CHOSEN SUITS THE STORY BUT I THINK YOU COULD DO BETTER.
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DESCRIPTION/FOREWORD 1/5
I DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT A DESCRIPTION OR FOREWORD IS. I ONLY KNOW THAT ITS SUPPOSE TO MAKE YOUR READERS ANTICIPATE YOUR FIC. IT'S LIKE A MINI PREVIEW ON WHAT THE FIC IS GOING TO BE LIKE. IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOUR SUMMARY/DESCRIPTION/FOREWORD IS LONG OR SHORT. I'VE SAID THIS IN MY OLD REVIEWS BEFORE. IF YOU ARE MAKING A DESCRIPTION/FOREWORD OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT, YOU DON’T WRITE QUESTIONS IN IT. IT TURNS PEOPLE OFF. SOMETHING THAT ALSO TURNS PEOPLE OFF IS LINES AMONGST ‘OR SO HE THOUGHT’ BECAUSE YOU’RE BASICALLY GIVING THE READERS SPOILERS.
IN THE DESCRIPTION YOU SAID LUHAN’S PAST STORY/LIFE, I DON’T THINK IT WAS NECESSARY TO GIVE OUT LUHAN’S STORY. YOU COULD’VE DONE SOME ARTISTIC/POETIC SAYINGS RATHER THAN TYPING IT IN THE DESCRIPTION THAT LUHAN IS A HAPPY AND CHEERFUL PERSON ON THE OUTSIDE BUT NOT ON THE INSIDE. ALL THE THINGS ABOUT LUHAN’S SECRET AND BEHAVIOR COULD’VE BEEN INSIDE THE STORY TO MAKE YOUR READERS GUESS WHY HE ACTS LIKE THAT AND WHY HE DOES THIS AND THAT RATHER THAN GIVING ALL THE INFORMATION AWAY AT THE START. IT CAN ALSO MAKE YOUR READERS EXCITED FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER.
FOR THE FOREWORD, LIKE I SAID, YOU COULD JUST CONVEY THESE THINGS INSIDE THE STORY .YOU COULD WRITE LITTLE SECRET MESSAGES AT THE BEGINNING, ENDING, OR THE MIDDLE OF THE PARAGRAPH THAT HINTS ABOUT LUHAN’S SECRET. SO I DON’T FEEL LIKE I’M ALREADY READING THE WHOLE STORY WHILE IT’S ONLY THE SUMMARY. I DON’T WANT TO RECOMMEND YOU ANY WAY TO WRITE THIS SUMMARY BUT THE WAY YOU’RE WRITING IT RIGHT NOW ISN’T EXACTLY NICE. IT'S LIKE YOU MISPLACED IT.
IN CONCLUSION, YOU AREN’T DESCRIBING YOUR STORY - YOU’RE TELLING WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN .
GRAMMAR 9/10
AND I DON’T KNOW IF IT COMES FROM LUHAN’S MIND OR IF IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE MYSTERIOUS.
BUT THEN AGAIN, EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN STYLES AND THIS IS DIFFERENT.
AND ALSO, THIS IS NOT A VERY BIG PROBLEM AND I KNOW YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO WRITE FUNCTIONAL SENTENCES BUT INSTEAD OF MAKING LONG SENTENCES WITH COMMAS, YOU CAN JUST BREAK THEM INTO TWO DIFFERENT SENTENCES. THEY DON’T HAVE TO BE FULL ONCE SENTENCE JUST ABOUT THAT INFORMATION. WHAT IT DOES IS IT MAKES IT NICER TO READ AND GIVES A DRAMATIC FEELING.
FOR EXAMPLE:
“I WAS ONLY 4 YEARS OLD, AND WAS VICTIM TO SEVERE BULLYING, ABUSE, AND NEGLECT, AND IT’S BEEN THAT WAY FOR 2 YEARS OF MY CHILDHOOD.”
YOU CAN SEPARATE THAT BIG INFORMATION INTO TWO SENTENCES LIKE:
“I WAS ONLY FOUR YEARS OLD WHEN I WAS VICTIM TO SEVERE BULLYING, ABUSE, AND NEGLECT. IT’S BEEN THAT WAY FOR TWO YEARS. TWO YEARS OF MY CHILDHOOD.”
WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT POINT – WHEN YOU USE FIRST POINT OF VIEW YOUR GRAMMAR CAN BE DIFFERENT THAN WHEN YOU’RE NARRATING FROM A THIRD POINT OF VIEW. AND FOR NUMBERS, TYPE IT OUT. WRITE “FOUR YEARS OLD” INSTEAD OF “4 YEARS OLD”.
CHARACTERIZATION 10/10
I CAN’T REALLY SAY MUCH ABOUT THE CHARACTERIZATION BECAUSE YOU’VE ONLY GOT TWO CHAPTERS BUT IT SEEMS FROM THE FIRST CHAPTER THAT YOU’VE ALREADY WRITTEN OUT HIS CHARACTER PRETTY WELL (INNOCENT, NAÏVE, ETC.).
PLOT/FLOW/ORIGINALITY 8/10
THERE’S NOTHING BIG ABOUT THE PLOT OR ORIGINALITY. A LOT OF PEOPLE USE THE SAME PLOT BUT THEY COULD HAVE MADE SIDE PLOTS THAT KIND OF STRAY. SO EVEN THOUGH THIS PLOT IS OVERUSED THE WAY YOU WRITE IS REALLY GOOD AND THE FLOW WAS REALLY NICE.
ENJOYMENT 7/10
YOUR WRITING SKILL IS REALLY NICE BUT I’VE SEEN THIS PLOT FAR TOO MANY TIMES. THIS STORY DOESN’T WOW ME AS MUCH AS IT SHOULD.
OVERALL SCORE 7/10
YOUR STORY WAS WELL WRITTEN AND YOU COULD REARRANGE EVERYTHING INTO A MUCH NICER FORM ESPECIALLY THE DESCRIPTION/FOREWORD. AND IT WOULD BE NICE IF YOU COULD THINK OF A FAR MORE INTERESTING TITLE. IF MY ENJOYMENT DIDN’T SATISFY YOU, IT’S NOT BECAUSE OF YOUR WRITING SKILL. IT’S BECAUSE I’VE SEEN THIS PLOT MANY TIMES AND YOU’VE JUST MISPLACED MANY THINGS.
I HOPE YOU CAN IMPROVE ON YOUR NEXT WRITING^_^. I HOPE THIS DOESN’T OFFEND YOU AND HELPS YOU IMPROVE. YOUR FIC WASN’T BAD BUT IT WASN’T THE BEST THAT I’VE REVIEWED. KEEP WRITING~ GOOD LUCK~ >.<
ELIZALEE
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BRIDGET22
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