I’m not sure when it happened. When I fell for him.

It could’ve been the time he held my hand and listened as I unleashed all my bottled up frustrations about life in general. Or that time when I slipped and he caught me by the waist and pulled me to his chest. Or that time I nearly fell out of my chair from laughing so hard at his stupid jokes. I don’t really know.

All I know is I woke up that last day, realizing I was in love with the man I was married to.

Except we weren’t really married.

Minho and I were chosen to be a couple on “We Got Married.” We’ve weren’t really close before; we knew of each other and exchanged polite courtesies when we saw each other but that was about the extent of our relationship. I’ve always found him attractive. How could I not? He was the epitome of tall, dark, and handsome.

As we first started filming for the show, I was surprised by how childlike he was. He always struck me as being somewhat cold and stiff, but he was the exact opposite. He’s incredibly playful, always teasing and cracking jokes, making me laugh. He’d always have this mischievous twinkle in his eye, like he was about to troll you. His smile was adorable and his laugh always filled me with warmth.

We had told each other numerous times that we loved each other. But with dozens of cameras around and hundreds of fans watching, no one knew if these feelings rang true. Even I didn’t know. Not until the last day.

It was finally goodbye. The show was over. It was time to move on. But I didn’t want to. We hugged before he left and he kissed me on the cheek, giving me a bright smile and then walking away, back into his own life. My heart ached for him to come back but my mouth didn’t move.

I’d had my heartbroken too many times by people who I loved but couldn’t love me back. I didn’t want to hear Minho tell me that he didn’t really love me. I didn’t want to be heartbroken. Not by him.

­­

I snuggle further into my coat as I watch the snowflakes fall around me. Its Christmas season, my favorite time of the year. I just love how the air is always filled with joy and laughter, filling me with warmth despite the cold weather. I sit down on the park bench and look out onto the empty street. I stare at the red and green lights hanging from lamp posts. The whole place is decorated with lights and wreathes. In the middle of the square is a giant tree, its branches laced with colorful lights and large, beautiful ornaments. I’m in awe of the beauty of this place. I take a deep breath, detecting the sweet smell of cinnamon and warm cookies right out of the oven. I lean back and close my eyes and listen to the faint sound of bells chiming and kids laughing as their voices blend into a Christmas carol. It’s perfect.

I hear the sound of snow crunching next to me. I open my eyes. There he is. A tall dark frame towers over me. I look up to find a smiling face looking down at me. The lights around us outlined the dark waves of his hair like a halo. Minho.

I shoot up and, like the clumsy person I am, trip and fall forward. He catches me, laughing as we both fall backwards into the snow. I start to laugh too, our laughter now ringing through the empty streets. I’m so grateful for the multiple layers of clothing between us because my heart is beating like a drum. I roll onto the snow as he gets up. He reaches for my hand and helps me up. He’s still holding my hand.

“It’s good to see you again,” he says, grinning. I grin back too. I probably have the stupidest smile on my face right now but I can’t help it. We’re standing close to each other as I breathe in. He smells of warm vanilla.

“It’s good to see you too, Froggy” I say. He makes the cutest pretend mad face. “You’re still calling me Froggy?” I laugh as I he crosses his arms like a little kid. “Yes, Froggy, yes I am” I say teasingly.

“Well in that case…” he says with that mischievous twinkle in his eyes. The next thing I knew I was being pelted with snowballs. For the next half hour, we were running around, throwing snowballs at each other, screaming, laughing. I loved this. I loved him.

He went to go get hot chocolate from a store nearby. When he came back, we snuggled together on the bench, trying to make ourselves warm again. We started chatting, catching up on each other’s lives. I couldn’t help but feel warm inside, partly because of the hot chocolate but also because this felt real. There were no cameras around. This wasn’t some superficial reality show with a script. This…this was real.

There was a moment of silence between us. He’d just told one of classic stupid jokes and I nearly spilled hot chocolate over the both of us. We sat there in silence, enjoying each other’s company and warmth.

“So,” Minho said, clearing his throat, “How’s Kris?”

I’m suddenly hit with a tidal wave of guilt. Kris. My boyfriend. That’s right. I have a boyfriend. And here I was, allowing myself to fall deeper in love with another man. How selfish can I get? I want what I can’t have and all I’m going to end up doing is hurt someone who I care about.

I shift slightly away from Minho. “Um, he’s good. Busy since EXO’s comeback, but yeah he’s good.” There’s an awkward silence between us and I don’t know what to do so I get up.

“It’s getting late” I say as he gets off the bench as well, “I better start heading home” I smile at him. “It was really good seeing you again, Froggy. We should see each other again soon.” I want to get out of there as soon as possible because my head is swirling and my heart is pounding. I give him a quick, awkward hug and then turn around to walk away from this. But I can’t.

A warm hand is wrapped around my wrist, pulling me back. I’m whipped around and all of a sudden I’m against him, looking up at his face. His arms are wrapped around me, keeping me close. He stares down at me with his soft brown eyes. I can’t move, can’t breathe.

“Kage,” he whispers, “I know you have a boyfriend. But I have to tell you this. I have to get this off my chest.”

My heart pounds. He isn’t…is he? No...it can’t be…how could h—

“I love you.”

All I can hear now is the silence resulting from my shock. I’m frozen. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to react. All I can do is stare at those chocolate eyes.

Push. My brain suddenly tells me. So I do. I stumble out of his grip. I mumble something, unsure of what I even said. I turn around and I run, leaving him behind in that empty street with the Christmas lights and the whispering sounds of carols sung by children.

 

I pick up at the last ring. I’m lying in my bed. Just lying there, trying to comprehend what just happened. And then the phone started ringing. And kept ringing. I finally pick it up, annoyed by the monotonous tone.

“Hello?” I croak through the phone. “….Kage? Is that you?” Oh God. It’s Kris. I feel like I should say something but my words are stuck in my throat. My heart feels like it stopped, frozen with guilt. “Are you okay?” I hear.

“Yeah…yeah I’m fine Kris…thanks for checking up on me” I finally manage to say. There is a pause before he asks, “So how did it go with Minho?” I don’t know what to say. “Um….it was good….yeah…it was nice to see him after all this time…” There’s another awkward silences. I think I broke the record for number of awkward silences you can have in two hours. I finally tell him that I’m tired and I need to go to bed. He tells me goodnight and gives me a kiss through the phone, sending pangs of guilt through me yet again.

I lay back onto the bed and stare at the ceiling. Why was this happening? How was this happening? My head is filled with questions for which I have no answers. I tried to put some order to the chaos in my head.

Kris. He asked me out a couple of weeks after I had let Minho slip through my fingers. I was coming out of recovering from the broken heart I had basically let myself have in order to try to escape an even worse one. He was the rock I held onto to break through the waves that held me down. He was a little overprotective of me, but that’s what I needed at the time. The couple of months we’d been together I found him to be a sweet, adoring boyfriend. He was literally the ideal boyfriend.

And then there was Minho. The man who had unintentionally and unknowingly broken my heart. I had fallen in love with him and then spent the months after that trying to forget him and my feelings for him. And then I got that call from him, asking if he could see me again. I hadn’t hesitated at all to accept his invitation. I don’t want to admit it, but whatever feelings I had tried to bury were resurrected the moment I heard his voice. This man…the way I felt about him….And he now he told me he loved me.

­

Kris walked in the snow, heading towards Minho’s house. Her voice had troubled him. She seemed to be in pain, as if though she was struggling with something she didn’t want to tell him. The only one who may have an idea of what happened to her was Minho. And now here he was, at Minho’s doorstep, waiting in the cold.

Minho opened the door, his eyes widening when he saw Kris. “Kris!” he exclaimed, “come in quick, before you freeze to death out there!” Kris entered the warm house and took his shoes off. “I won’t stay long,” he said, “I just have to ask you something.”

Minho led him to the living room where they sat on the couches, facing each other. “Sure, what can I help you with?” Minho asked. Kris sighed. “It’s Kage…I don’t know what it is but something is wrong with her and I was wondering if you know anything of what might have happened.”

Minho looked down in silence, studying the dark patterns of the blanket beneath him. He took a deep breathe. “Kris, “ he said slowly, “I…I told Kage…I told her I loved her.”

Kris’s head shot up and he stared at Minho. “You…you did what?” Minho took another deep breathe. “Kris…I know that you are her boyfriend. But… I’ve loved her ever since I was married to her on WGM. I wasn’t sure if what I felt was real or something produced from a script so I let her go. But I…I found myself thinking about her all the time. I couldn’t forget her. I realize now that I fell for her. I wanted to see her smile again. So I asked her to come see me again and then…I just told her. I told her I love her.”

Kris looked at him, taking a minute to comprehend what he just heard before getting on his feet. He glowered at Minho. “I don’t know if you needed to be reminded, but she is MY girlfriend, “ he hissed, gritting his teeth, “You don’t have the right to tell her that you love her and confuse her like that….I don’t care what you feel…You stay away from my girlfriend.”

­­­

It’s been a couple weeks since the incident. Kris tries to make time in his schedule to see me almost every day. He’s been showering me with gifts lately. It’s a really sweet gesture but I myself realize that my gratitude lacks a certain degree of passion and happiness. It took me all my strength to not burst out into tears when he sent me the stuffed frog last week.

I’ve made my decision. I know what needs to be done.

I sit at the corner booth of the café and look out the window. Children are running down the sidewalks and stopping at each store window, peering in to look at all the Christmas toys on display, their faces bright with awe and innocence. How I wish I was a child. To not have a care in the world except what toy I would get for Christmas. The streets are bright once again with lights. Its Christmas season. Everyone is joyful and merry. And here I am, about to ruin Christmas for someone I cared about. I was turning into a Grinch.

I hear the bells on the door ring as someone walks in. I look up and watch Kris make his way towards me. He gives me a bright smile and sits down across from me. I try to return the smile as I feel my heart breaking inside of, knowing what I’m about to do.

“You said you wanted to see me, “ Kris said, continuing to smile at me. He’s so beautiful. So sweet. He deserved everything. So much more than whatever I could offer with my indecisive heart.

“Kris,” I said, my voice shaking. “Kris,” I said again more firmly, “I think you and I need to end things.”

He just stared at me. I feel myself tremble. I can’t believe I’m doing this.

“It’s because of Minho, isn’t it?” he asks quietly. I can’t bring myself to look at him. I don’t say anything, but silence gave him the answer.

There was more silence but I could feel the anger radiating from him. I’d expected this, but I didn’t know what to do about it.

“I…I really thought that you and I…” his voice drifts, unable to finish. I look up. He’s angry but I can see the tears struggling to be pushed back. My heart breaks for the hundredth time.

“Kris,” I whisper. “I love you…but I love you like a friend. You’re an amazing person. You don’t deserve to have to live with someone who can’t love you with all her heart. You deserve someone better than me. It…It’s better to end things now rather than having to face the pain later.” I don’t even know what I’m saying. I’m rambling at this point. I just had to let him know, had to make him see….

“You’re going to find someone, Kris, you’ll find someone who can love you the way I can’t. And you’re going to have a great life with that person. You’ll forget all about me….” I keep rambling as I look into his eyes. The anger is replaced with a sadness that just makes me want to breakdown crying right then and there.

I slowly reach out and place my hand on top of his. He doesn’t pull away. He gives me small sad smile. “I won’t forget you. I can’t…but I’m going to let you go…because I care about you.” I can’t breathe. “Go Kage…go…live your life…be with the one you love. It’s okay. I’ll be okay…”

A few minutes later I stumbled out of the café and ran. I ran until I was at a place where I was alone. I fell to my knees and I cried. I didn’t deserve that. I didn’t deserve the kindness he showed me. He should’ve been yelled at me, he should’ve made me cry then. Instead he’d let me go, his face full of love and understanding. I had broken his heart and he treated me in the most loving way possible.

I tried to get up and I stumbled forward, about to fall in the snow again. Arms reach out and grab me before pulling me to a source of warmth. He always catches me whenever I fall. I cry into his chest, clutching onto his shoulders. Minho held me tightly, rocking me back and forth gently. He didn’t say anything, he just let me cry. After my cries had died down he lifted my chin up so I was looking at him. His fingers danced over my face, wiping away my tears.

He leaned forwards. His lips met mine. He pressed softly, sending shivers down my spine. He broke the kiss and looked into my eyes while his finger traced the outline of my face.

“I love you, Kage”

I looked into those chocolate brown eyes.

“I love you, Minho”

He leaned forwards and softly kissed me once again. I held onto him, my rock. Snowflakes fell from the sky, surrounding us as we continued to embrace. The lights of Christmas surrounded us, the sound of bells ringing and children singing, the smell of cinnamon and cookies and warm vanilla.