So I’m sitting outside, a cup of latte in my hand. It’s my first weekend off in a while and I decided to visit my parents for a change. But I’m thinking about you suddenly, it’s like deja vue. Then again, everything I do lately reminds me of you. Even drinking lattes. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because you hate coffee and only consent to drink tea. Everything I do that you wouldn’t do makes me think of you, and whenever that happens I feel more alive than ever. It’s like that song says: everything that kills me makes me feel alive.

I know it's shameful, but I can't get rid of this feeling. I can't stop thinking about us at all. I find myself reading about astrological signs almost every day to get a better idea of you, but that's silly. I want to know you, I want to be around you. Working with you isn’t enough. I don’t want your façade, I want the real you.

It's hard though, every time I get closer, you walk away. You have so much to live for, so much life inside of you, it's hard to keep up. Sometimes I think you live for the both of us, or at least for someone else. I think it's because you wish, somehow, that you could have someone by your side just as energetic and happy as you. I could be like that. I could thrive on your energy and give as much back because we'd share everything.

I'm making plans with you in mind. Sometimes I see us living together. It's embarrassing. I see us reading the newspaper, me lying on your stomach and sipping coffee. I read the culture section while you read the politics. We fight over who’s going to get to do the crossword puzzle and in the end I let you have them because I know you like them better than me. I cry watching a movie and hide my tears but you know I’m crying and just hand me the tissue box discreetly. I love every bit of those daydreams, no matter how silly and unrealistic they are.

Whenever I'm alone at home and am cooking dinner, I have those conversations with you, asking you how your day was and then we start gossiping about our coworkers. We talk about the news, any trivial detail that has caught my attention during the day because I'm just full of those little details. It's insane, but it makes me happy.

I think of you at night sometimes too, whenever I can’t sleep. I think of us holding each other, of us giggling into each other’s necks, of us taking each other's pulse to make sure that we're really alive, together, in the same bed. I image us telling bedtime stories and impersonating our favorite characters from TV shows or fellow stars in KPOP.

Sometimes I see us making love, in our own little world, no one ever comes to disturb us, we're safe. We’re together, it’s all that matters.

Sometimes I have those arguments with you… am I crazy? I can’t help it, I just really want to talk to you sometimes, whenever you’re not there, so I do. I talk to myself, I have those monologues.

I think of those people who are lucky enough to live with you whenever you’re not in the dorms. I’d give anything to be with you. We’re compatible, we belong together. I want you. How wrong. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for liking you, I’m sorry for thinking all those things. And yet I’m not, because some part of me wishes you could just know how I feel. It’s hard to tell you exactly how I feel. I can hardly look at you. I can hardly talk to you. All that comes out is your name, a small reprimand, anything but my feelings for you really.

Sometimes though, I tell you I miss you and you tell me you miss me. That’s what it is; we miss being together. How do people miss something they’ve never had? I don’t know, but we’ve figured out a way to do it.

Sometimes you say you love me, and no matter what the real meaning is behind those words, it soothes me. You’re just really a part of me now, and that part gets bigger every day.

I wish you could see those words my heart is continuously screaming at you:

“Saranghae!”

The first time you said something like that, my heart skipped a beat. We were having this really tough discussion about our pasts and our true selves and at some point you just uttered those words. I was shocked. No one had ever told me such a thing, not like that. I don’t know if I got the wrong message, but you still said it and I said it back with truth trailing behind.

Ken… there’s so much about you that I like and so much that I still plan to like. I know we’re busy with our own lives individually, but someday, when it’s all over and you have to leave, I hope that it’s clear to you; I’ll always be there on the sideline, waiting for you with open arms.

Do you realize that? Do you realize that I’ll be waiting for you as long as I’m breathing?

Sighing, I take a look at my coffee. It’s cold. I drink it in one go and then wipe the milk at the corner of my mouth.

I miss you. I really do. I can’t wait to see you again. When we’ll see each other again you’ll probably hug me. I love how you hug me harder than any of the other members, how you get especially loud when you talk about me in interviews, how you just assume that I like things I’ve never even heard of.

I realize that it’s just a dream. It’s painful whenever I get to wake up from it, but then night comes again and I dream it all over and for a whole night, I’m in perfect bliss. I’m grateful I met you, no matter what happens.

Do you get it? Jagiya?

You’re a lot smarter than I am, and a hundred times luckier. You get what you want, whatever it is. I hope then, that I’m one of the things you want, because then you could have me all you like.

Toying with the small token I got in memory of you, I smile. I’m happy. So happy.

Thank you. I know I'm selfish, wanting all those things, but I think that you are too, in your own way, and that's what makes us so perfect. We are two beautiful individuals, out to change the world, to give it new meaning. Whether we end up together or not, we'll at least have this knowledge that we were perfect for each other, and that somehow, we missed out on each other. It's a bittersweet feeling, but I'm prepared to live with it.

It's getting cold. I should get back inside.

I have this huge lump in my throat right now.... every single time I write like this... it's like giving a part of me away. If that even makes sense....

On another note, if you're ever curious about this fish *points at herself* please don't be shy and see what I'm up to on tumblr : http://yourearthshine.tumblr.com/

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