“My wife found out about us. We have to stop doing this. I can’t keep on hurting her.”

Yunho’s eyes are full of sorrow as he look at the pretty man in front of him.

It is their one year anniversary. Jaejoong made an effort to cook and arrange his condo into a romantic place for him and his boyfriend to have their stolen moments together.

Jaejoong already knew he was going to say this. He knew from the start that this will end, that he has to give Yunho back to his rightful owner, not that he claimed Yunho as his, and he just borrowed him.

“I know.” He answered calmly, though his inside wanted to protest. He wanted to cry and beg for him to stay with him, but he knew he couldn’t. HE wouldn’t.

“I’m sorry Jae. I really am. But you have to understand, I’m all that she has. I promised her father that I will take care of her. I can’t turn my back on her Jae, I’m so sorry.” Yunho desperately explained. He himself doesn’t know what to feel. Sure he is hurting as well but as he said, he cannot go back on his words.

He never intended for this to happen, he never wanted to hurt Jaejoong or his wife, but he never intended to fall in love with his neighbor either.

It was amazing how they kept up with their affair for too long.

Jaejoong and Yunho are leaving in the same condominium. Yunho and his wife live at the pent house while Jaejoong lives a floor below them.

How ironic, just when Yunho thinks that he have it all, that he is contented, someone comes along and turned his life upside down.

Yunho feels helpless. How he wanted to keep Jaejoong beside him forever, but he knows it is forbidden. It was too late. He was too late. He is already committed to someone else.

“I am only hurting you by keeping you beside me. I want you to be free and find your happiness because I can’t give that to you.” Yunho said softly.

YOU ARE MY HAPPINESS.

Jaejoong wants to say he only keep silent, not wanting to make this difficult for both of them.

He smiled bitterly instead.

“Can we talk about this some other time? I understand Yun, I really do but it is our anniversary. Can we at least make this one memorable?” He said, with that fake smile in his beautiful lips.

He stood up and went to seat on Yunho’s lap, straddling him. Yunho hugged him in his waist.

Jaejoong took that as a good sign. He stared at Yunho, memorizing the other’s features and carving it in his mind and heart. He lifted his right hand and touched Yunho’s hair, fixing his fringe.

“I liked you hair. I always did.” He said.

Then he looked at each other in the eyes.

“I always liked it when you looked at me.”

Jaejoong’s hand caresses Yunho’s cheek, then the mole above the said man’s upper lip.

“I find this mole so cute that it makes me want to kiss you.” He said, almost whispering.

PLEASE DON’T LET ME CRY IN FRONT OF HIM. PLEASE.

Jaejoong then leaned forward and buried his head on Yunho’s neck then inhaled his scent.

“You always smell so good.” He said against Yunho’s neck while giving it butterfly kisses.

Yunho moaned in response. “Jae..please..”

“Make love to me Yunho. Let me feel you. Make me yours tonight.” He whispered.

With out a word, Yunho complied. He kissed Jaejoong like no tomorrow.

Every frustration every feelings they have for each other are sealed into their kiss.

They made love the whole night. Both never said anything about their impending break up.

It was already dawn when they finally decided to sleep. Yunho agreed to stay for a while.

They lay on the bed with Yunho hugging him in the back.

Jaejoong can hear Yunho’s soft snores but refuses to sleep. He wanted to stay awake for a little longer. He wanted to remember this feeling, Yunho’s hug and his breath tickling his nape.

He will surely miss their little escapades together. He will miss HIM.

Jaejoong let the tears that his been holding since Yunho started their conversation the other night.

He was getting himself ready for the day they have to break apart. He already accepted that they cannot be together, that they have to end what they have but Jaejoong wished it would not be this soon. But He guesses he is not on Santa’s good-boy-list. Now he have to let Yunho go. He has to return him to his wife.

EVEN IF IT HURTS, IT’S ALL OVER.

~~~~~~~~

“Your home.” Yunho looked up from the news paper he was reading. He is in the kitchen of the pent house. He left Jaejoong’s place after he made sure that his lover is already asleep.

He was aware that the latter cried himself to sleep. He was awake when he started crying. He wanted to comfort him but he didn’t know how, so he stayed still and pretended to be sleeping while tearing up himself.

When Jaejoong fell asleep. He took it as a chance to stare at his sleeping face.

“I will never get tired of staring at you. You are so beautiful Kim Jaejoong. Even with that tear stained face. It hurts that I was the cause of your sorrow. I hate that you pretended to be strong in front of me, that you have to take the fall in all of this. I’m so sorry Jae. And thank you, for everything.”

“Yunho?” His wife cut him out of his reverie.

“Yeah. I came in late.” He said flatly. He does not need to say more because they both know he will lie anyways. He doesn’t want to hurt her any further.

He continued reading, pretending to read, the news paper.

“Can we talk?” His wife said. “About what?” he ask without looking at her. He doesn’t want to see the hurt in her eyes.

“About Jaejoong.” She said bravely. Yunho stop reading and put the paper into the table.

“We already talked. We’re going to end it.”

 He finally looked at her after saying that.

“I want to tell you that I am sorry for cheating, but it would be a lie. I love him. I am not sorry for the times that I spent with him. The only thing that I regret is that I hurt you in the process. I never wanted that. Even if our marriage is just arranged by our parents, I made a promise to your father before he died that I will take care of you, but all I did was make you cry. ” He smiled bitterly. She looked like she was about to cry anytime soon, but still not saying anything; she was silent, compliant and submissive as usual.

“You don’t have to worry about it anymore. I’ll fulfill my promise. I’m letting him go.” He said.

“I’m sorry Yunho.” She cried.

“I’m sorry for being a cause of your heartache.” She said while crying hard. Yunho wanted to say its ok or get mad but he could not do either, he does not know exactly what to feel. He is lost.

“Hush now. Don’t cry anymore. It will be over soon.” He said standing up from his seat. He forced a smile.

“I’m going to work now. I’ll see you later.”

He didn’t wait for her to answer. He needed to get away. He needed to think. And he can only do that if he is away from here, away from both of THEM. He needed to convince himself that he made the right decision.

~~~~~~

It was already late when Yunho decided to go home. He drugged himself into the elevator. His fingers automatically pressed for Jaejoong’s floor, something that he always does. He hesitated for a while, and then pressed the button of his own floor.

After a long day of burying himself with work and convincing himself that everything was alright and he did the right choice he felt more tired than ever.

He already made a decision; all he has to do is to stick with it.

The elevator door opens in Jaejoong floor. It took all his self restrains to not get out the damned box and go to Jaejoong. After what feels like forever, the elevator finally closed and carried him into his own floor.

He drugged his feet into his front door but instead of going in he stood still, staring at the closed door in front of him.

“I’m home.” He said to himself.

BUT IT DOESN’T FEEL LIKE HOME. THEN, WHERE IS HOME?

Flashes of Jaejoong’s smiling face came into his mind. His back facing him while he cooks for the two of them. His laughter, his lips, his scent, everything about him, anywhere with him feels like his home.

JAEJOONG IS MY HOME.

Without really thinking of what to do, his legs started moving. Walking at first but then started running. He didn’t bother to use the elevator but took the stairs instead. He was in a hurry to see him, to go home. Elevator will take forever.

He hurriedly entered the password on Jaejoong’s door. It was their anniversary. It was Yunho’s idea to change it into that so he will not forget it.

Yunho was greeted by silence when he finally managed to get inside the house.

“Jae? Jaejoong?” He called his lover but there was no answer.

He was not on the kitchen or in the bathroom.

“Where are you?” He asked worriedly. He suddenly feels tired, he sat on the bed. His heart skipped a beat when he realized that Jaejoong’s used to be full of stuff dressing table is now surprisingly empty.

He stood up and walks into the walk-in closet. Jaejoong’s clothes are still neatly hanging there but he noticed that a lot of his stuff was there anymore, including Jaejoong’s suitcase.

He run back into the bedroom and opened the drawers of the vanity table. Nothing. The drawer where Jaejoong kept his documents and important stuff are all empty.

He looked around and noticed an envelop lying on the bed. He didn’t notice it before, it was addressed to him.

Hand shaking, he opened and read the letter inside it.

Yunho,

I didn’t want to say my goodbye in front of you so I wrote a letter for you instead. I don’t want to see you hurting so I decided to go. I hate it that I am giving you a hard time. What we had was forbidden but it made me happy. The moment I spent with you was the happiest I had and I thank you for that. But you are right... We have to end it. I want you to know that I never regretted having you in my life, be happy Yunho. Don’t worry about me, I will be fine. I just needed some time alone. I hope that when we see each other again, we can smile and not fell the hurt that we feel right now.

I never got the chance to say it again, so I’ll just say it right now…

I Love you, Jung Yunho.

Please be happy.

Love

Kim Jaejoong

Yunho is crying while reading the letter. His sobs are uncontrollable when he was done. He can’t believe that he got what he wanted at first. Jaejoong gave him what he had asked of him. He let him go.

HE WAS GONE, HE LEFT.

“This is what I wanted right? For him to go find his happiness. I should be happy. But why does it feel like hell?”