Honestly, jonghyun didn't think life would be so fragile. He didn't think he would be that lucky to be that one out of the million person. (He shivered thinking about the fact that he actually had a fan base called one in a million.)

Death scared him, but he thought it was ironic since we would all die one day. He knew the reason why he was terrified though. He was afraid of losing kibum.

It wasn't like any pitiful raining or snowing night. Instead, the afternoon sun shone glaring on him. It was a cheerful day, supposingly. However, for the first time, jonghyun dreaded this kind of day. He wanted to be happy like how others are, but he was confused, lost and mostly numb.

Dysarthria, the doctor called it. (He couldn't even properly pronounce the name of his own illness.) Why him? Why out of that one in a million? He stopped in the pathway and looked up into the bright sky.

The thought of not being able to sing kills him inside, singing was his life. He couldn't imagine him not singing anymore. It's just…wrong, isn't it? At least the illness wouldn't cause his death, at least. (Although not being able to sing actually already caused it. He just was thankful because he knew losing kibum would feel much worst.)

He settled down on a bench in an empty park. He didn't want to go back to the dorm early. He didn't want to act as if nothing had happen, he just couldn't. Just not today.


( A month after that illness was known to jonghyun ,an incident happened during their vocal practice.)

He felt a sharp pain pierce through his throat. He face twisted in pain as he tried not to make it obvious. He cracked out a few incoherent words, " niieed…too…e…toi…let"

The moment he stepped out of the practice room, he let his guards down and held his throat tightly (as if doing so could release the immense pain.)He growled softly to realize that even doing so hurt too. He wanted to hit something badly, he wanted to scream in frustration badly.

Sometimes his thought would wander to the scenarios of him losing his voice and during that sometimes, he dreaded. No one could ever understand that mental pain he had, just the thought of not being able to sing kills him. He let a silent tear roll down his cheeks.

Jonghyun is a talkative man, but when it comes to his own feelings, he could hide it so well no one would ever notice. Well, maybe that someone (kibum, most probably. Yet he couldn't sense it this time.) could and his bedsheets too.

When you get to know about the real jonghyun, his blabbers are usually just to entertain the tired SHINee boys, to move them to carry on - even when he himself is tired too. He knows just when to stop and to start talking. And if you understand him even further, you will eventually find out he is a man of few words.

Jonghyun like to keep all the pain to himself- silently suffering, because he knows the people around him would suffer if they knew. So he rather pain himself than to let others suffer. ( Kibum always calls him stupid for acting like this. And he just smiles.)

He waited till the sharp pain subsided and recollected himself, wiping the tears on his face. Jonghyun must be strong. He is the lead vocal after all -or will he continue to be?

That night, like the other usual nights, physically and mentally tired jonghyun fell into bed but dreaded to sleep. He hated his recent nightmares, the ones shook him to the core.

In his nightmares he would find himself unable to utter a single word. He would try to make a sound, but only a sound could be made and nothing else. No ' I ' , no ' love ' , no ' you ' . Just plainly a sound.

Those silent nightmares made jonghyun jerk up from bed, panting hard and forming cold sweats. During those bad times, he would, with a hint of hesitation, whisper kibum's name- just to make sure his voice was still intact.


(One day when the other members had their own schedules to attend.)

"Ok jjong, shot. Stop avoiding and acting like I don't know there's something wrong with you." Kibum just couldn't stand ignoring the obvious change in jonghyun anymore.

" Nothing is wrong kibum. " Jonghyun plainly answered. Hands fumbling with the tv control, eyes glued on the screen but heart somewhere too far jonghyun didn't know where it was either.

Kibum took the controllers away from jonghyun's hands and held them with his own, " okay, look at me jjong." Jonghyun really didn't want to because he knew he would break down if he did so.(His guards hasn't been that strong since this whole incident.) As he refused, kibum used a single hand to grab his chin and forcefully turn him. A slight ache formed in kibum's chest at the look of the dark rings and the sunken eyes. While on the other hand, a heavy ache punched jonghyun right in the guts.

"Jjong, please tell me what is happening." Kibum knew he would win so he waited patiently as the minute of heavy silence passed before jonghyun managed to speak up.

" I-I may not be able to speak for..ever…The doctor said I contracted with a illness that would affect my vocals…" Jonghyun whispered, holding himself strong. (Yeah, his hands were shaking hard.) Kibum brought his palms to cover his mouth, too shocked by the news to speak. He didn't see this coming, not a single bit.

"But It's okay, I'm still okay." Jonghyun barely managed to smile. Kibum heard his heart fell to the ground and he wondered how jonghyun actually handled the news.

When? Since when did jonghyun knew about his situation and kept totally quiet about it? Why? Kibum had so many questions in his heart. The more he thought about it, the more his insides wrenched in pain. Then he saw a lonesome tear rolling down jonghyun's pale face silently . Since when did his jjong become so…quiet?

Honestly, Jonghyun feared this silence. A lot. His hands were still shaking and if the deafness carried on, he wonder if he could hold on anymore. (And at other times, he wondered if that illness actually attacked his heart instead of his throat.) Like kibum could sense the elder's nervousness, he crashed into the scared boy's body, hugging him tightly, while his other hand jonghyun's hair. " Oh my god jjong, just cry it out loud will you? "

The walls he barely manages to hold on, breaks almost instantly.

And it's been so, so long since jonghyun faced his true feelings (The one he keep to the other self buried deep down.) He wailed like the world didn't exist. He cried like his illness didn't matter because he knew kibum was there. At least kibum was there to hold him.

His tears aren't just water, it's his heart pouring out.


On the other side, flashing on the colored screen, the actress was spinning around happily with a gracefully smile plastered on her face. It's ironic isn't it? How life could be. Someone losing their life while another smiling happily like there was no tomorrow.

And the possibility of that someone really having no tomorrow.

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Thanks for reading and comments are loved <3