When I woke in the mornings,
The sun was never there.

Never did I see a single ray of sunshine
Or a single white cloud in the sky.

The sky was dark
From morning until twilight
And onwards into nighttime.

The cottage was so dark
That I could barely see what was in front of me.

I could barely see the dust on the furniture,
The cans in the cupboard,
Or the face in the mirror:

Still covered in dirt;
Dirt still smeared by tears;
Blood still stained into my hair;
Eyes still dark as the outside sky.

I tried to stop myself from thinking about them -
The villagers
And my family -
But no matter how hard I tried,
I just couldn't do it.

They were before me,
Beneath me,
All around me -
Always in my memories.

 

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

I spent my days crying,
Remembering everything as it was
And longing for everything that could have been.

 

On a particularly dark day,
I found a stack paper hidden in a dresser,
And on it I drew what I remembered:

My mother's smile;
My father's eyes;
My sister under the oak tree -
Befriending the butterflies,
Telling them secrets,
Understanding the nature of change;

The sun in the sky;
Leaves on the trees;
Roses in bloom;
Rain falling from the clouds.

I drew myself
Catching the raindrops
And laying them to rest atop flower petals,
Just as I had done when everything was the way I remembered.

 

As I drew
Image after image,
Memory after memory,
With a single black pencil
That never needed to be sharpened,
I thought about how everything had changed
And how life was now standing still
Right before my eyes.

As I drew,
The pictures being drawn were etched onto my skin -
One by one,
Exactly as they appeared on the paper.

On my arms appeared a powerful sun;
A tree covered in leaves;
A field of roses -
All rid of thorns,
All red as the blood in my veins;
Large storm clouds
Sending tiny drops of rain to the earth.

And below the clouds
Appeared a single boy
Who opened his hands
To catch the raindrops,

Only this time,
He actually caught them.

On top of my lungs appeared my mother's smiling face
And my father's light-brown eyes,
Reminding me that I needed them to breathe;
That their memory was the only thing keeping me breathing.

And on top of my heart
Appeared my sister,
Sitting under the oak tree
With butterflies flying overhead,
All glowing with the secrets of time
And the essence of change.

 

As each image appeared on my skin,
I felt the pain of love and longing.

It hurt me so much...
So much that...
I was desperate enough to do anything

To stop the pain.

Wishing not to love, wishins not to remember,
I took the pencil in hand
And stuck it into my skin,
Screaming as pieces of lead broke off into my flesh,
Crying as I realized that I could do nothing to stop the pain.

In every place where the lead had been broken,
My skin became covered with black butterflies,
Reminding me that everything had changed
And the world was void of life and motion.

 

But I continued to draw
Because I did not know what else to do
To stop the memories from returning.

I continued to draw
Because I did not want to stop the memories from returning.

If I had stopped the memories...
They might have disappeared...

And then what would I have had left?

The memory of my family...
Was the only thing keeping me alive.

Without it...
I was nothing
And I had no purpose.

 

My skin soon became covered with pictures,
All etched into my skin with the black lead of the pencil.

Each one was morbid and terrifying;
Each one was dismally beautiful.

Each one became a part of me -

Inescapable, just like my memories. 

 

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

I did not fear anything
Because I no longer cared about anything.

I no longer cared if I was attacked by a rebel
Or beaten by a criminal.
I no longer cared if the markings on my skin made people uncomfortable
Or if people did not want to be my friend.

None of that mattered anymore;
None of it made any difference.

As far as I was concerned,
If I were to be killed right then and there,
Everything would just be easier.

 

I left the cottage only on occasion,
When I was in need of more cans of food
To keep me alive -
To keep me remembering.

As sickness fell upon the few survivors of the rebellion,
Their houses were left empty and unattended.

I would open the doors of many houses
And find the people I had once known
Lying dead -
Eyes wide open,
Showing no signs of fear
And no signs of caring.

And as I looked at the bodies -
Lying there still and lifeless -
I couldn't help but wonder
If they had been remembering too.

 

Before I would take their food,
I would sit beside their bodies -
Rid of all life and spirit -

And I would draw them.

I would draw them as I remembered them -

Exactly as I remembered them.

And after I had finished drawing them,
I would place their portraits in their hands
And fold their hands over their chests
So that both hands were resting on top of their hearts -
The place from which their memories came;
The place where I could always find them again.

 

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

One day -
Sometime between late afternoon and twilight -
I was walking in the woods,
Hoping that some fresh air would help me heal.

After walking a long way,
I came upon a lonely house in the middle of the woods -
A house that I had not seen before.

The door was left wide open,
And the glass on the windows was broken.

I hesitantly made my way to the front of the house
And peered into it cautiously,
Not wanting to disturb anyone
In their reminiscence and solitude.

I saw nothing before me,
But I could sense the presence of pressing sadness in every room.

Without a second thought,
I walked into the house,
Uninvited and unconcerned.

As I made my way down a narrow hallway,
I heard the sound of small, pitiful sobs from behind a door.

Letting my heart guide me,
I reached the door from which the sounds were coming.

I placed my hand on the doorknob
And turned it slowly,
Not knowing what I would soon find,
But not afraid it, nonetheless.

It was there,
Behind the security of the door,
That I found him -

Sitting upright on the floor,
Bleeding from a wound to the head,
Bruised under his eye and on his ribs -

Completely unclothed;
Completely alone.

He was holding himself tightly,
Rocking back and forth unsteadily
As many tears rolled down his cheeks.

His eyes were red from crying,
And his body was left pale and emaciated by starvation and disease.

When I looked into his eyes,
He looked right back into mine,
Unwavered by my presence
But still reaching out to me all the same.

 

Without words,
I helped the tenuous boy to his feet
And helped him keep his balance
As we walked the long way back to my cottage.

While we were walking,
He was crying.

And all I did
Was place my hand on his shoulder,
Reassuring him that it was okay to cry
And that I understood his grief.

But I could just tell
That that was enough for him.

 

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

His name was Jaehyo.

His name was Jaehyo,
And he had incredible strength of mind.

Like me,
He had witnessed everything
And remembered everything clearly.

He remembered his father's chest being crushed,
His ribs being broken,
And his cries of defeat and suffering.

He remembered the sound of laughter
As a bullet barreled through his father's head,
Leaving a trail of crimson blood behind.

He remembered running home to protect his mother
But being too late,
For the rebels had already been to his home in the woods
And had already taken his mother.

 

He remembered that the next day,
After he took a walk in the woods -
Trying to rid himself of all the flashbacks and all the memories -
He found his mother's body,
and bruised,
Sliced in half with a machete.

He said it took all his strength of mind
To refrain himself from using the machete
To take his own life,
For he knew that there was nothing more to live for.

On this he and I both agreed;
With this menality, he and I became one.

 

 

His name was Jaehyo,
And he gave up eating
Because he gave up the will to live.

He wanted to finish himself off slowly, agonizingly,
In a way that paralleled the suffering of his parents.

He became so thin and so weak
That I thought he would surely break if I touched him.

So he and I kept our distance
Because I did not want to break him.

He had been broken so much already.

I offered him food and drink,
But he refused to accept any.

He told me that his fate was sealed
And that he was sure he wanted to die.

He begged me to understand
And to accept his decision.

I hated to watch him suffer,

But since he sounded so sure of his decision -
So sure that what he was doing was right -
I made myself understand.

Even though his bones were brittle,
He would walk with me down the dirt road to his house deep in the woods,
And he would help me carry cans of food back to my cottage,
Speaking only of how he was ready to die
And how thankful he was to have some form of happiness in his last few days of life.

Hearing his words
Made me realize how close we had become
And how much I wished he would refute his fate.

But hearing his words
Made me realize then more than ever
How much everything had truly changed.

 

 

His name was Jaehyo
And he made the grass grow.

With every step he took,
A new bed of grass took root.

When he blinked his eyes,
The grass would grow taller,
And every time he shed a tear,
The grass would wither and die.

His hair was deep green,
The color of the grass that grew in the darkest parts of the woods
Where no human ever set foot -
Where it was always at peace
And always free from change.

 

I often found him sitting outside -
Eyes closed,
Head tilted towards the dark sky,
A new bed of grass forming underneath him,
Seeming to lift him up high above the rest of the world.

When I saw him sitting like that,
I realized who he was -
Who he truly was:

He was change's adversary,
And he was meant to find me for a reason.

He was meant to find me because
He was meant to remind me, to mockingly remind me,
That everything around me had changed
And would never change back again.

And as I watched the patches of grass wither and die with his falling tears,
I realized that maybe exchanging this life for another one would be wise,

And I realized that Jaehyo was wise for acting upon this same realization.

 

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

I can still remember

The last thing he ever said to me

Before he left the world.

 

I was sitting under the table -
Looking at my hideous face in the cracked mirror -
When he crawled next to me.

 

His eyes were glittering with tears
And with something else that I couldn't identify.

 

Looking back on it now,
I would say that that glitter was the glitter of...
Hope -

Something I hadn't seen in a long time
And had most likely forgotten.

 

I remember how he looked at me
For endless moments,
Not saying a single word;
Not moving a single muscle.

 

After the silence had eaten away the last few moments of his lifetime,
He reached down to grab the black pencil
And to pick up a sheet of paper.

 

He handed me the sheet of paper,
Placed the pencil in my open palm,
And said:

 

"It's not so bad...
Remembering.

 

There are only a few of us left who can actually tell the story,
And tell the story we must.

 

We can't let everything that once was
Be lost forever with the passage of time.

 

If we do...
Then our parents will have died for nothing.

 

If we do...
Then it's like none of it ever existed.

 

It's like nothing was ever real
And none of it ever happened.

 

We have to remember
So that no one can forget."

 

And it was with those words
That Jaehyo closed his eyes,
Leaned his head onto my shoulder,
And freed his spirit,
Sending it off to live in another world -
A better world.

 

And all I could do
Was sit there silently,
My body as still as his,
But my mind as active as ever
With endless questions
And endless reminiscences.

 

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

I shed many tears for him that night.

 

I shed many tears for the boy with strength of mind
And the gift of making grass grow.

 

But I did as he had wanted;
I did as he asked
Just before he died.

 

He wanted me to draw;
He wanted me to remember.

 

And this I did.

 

 

I worked all night long on my drawing,
Neglecting not a single detail.

 

I drew his frail body;
I drew his deep green hair;
I drew beds of grass that sprang up with his footsteps
And tears of hope that fell from his eyes
As he thought about his mother and father
And joining them in another life.

 

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

When I had finally finished,
I brought his body outside.

 

I laid his body down onto the barren earth,
And the very moment his body touched the dusty ground,
A new bed of grass sprouted beneath him
And extended itself all the way to the dirt road
Where I once walked to find him -

Where we once walked together.

 

I took his hands
And folded them over his chest,
Carefully placing the drawing under the hand that covered his heart.

 

I then sat on the grass,
Placed my hand on top of the hand that covered his heart,
And said as I shed a single tear:

 

"I'll remember, Jaehyo.
I promise you I'll remember."

 

And with those words,

The wind blew lamentably through the trees.

Gust by gust,

The wind blew Jaehyo away,

Until all that was left was the grass on which his body had lain

And a piece of blank paper

On which I could draw new pictures,

Make new memories.

 

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

After Jaehyo had left -
Sent to live in the arms of his mother and father once more -
I went to the giant oak tree where the butterflies were born
Back when my sister was still alive
And everything was the way I remembered.

 

I sat underneath the then-leafless tree
And just tried to remember everything I could.

 

I remembered the sun;
I remembered the blue sky;
I remembered fields of flowers and vegetables
And grass that seemed as tall as the trees;

But what I remembered the most
Was my sister
As she danced with the butterflies,

And I remembered watching,
Wondering what it would be like to be surrounded by butterflies -
To be exposed to the secrets of change.

 

I remembered all of these things for Jaehyo.

 

Even though it killed me to remember,
I did it anyway -

Because I promised him
That I would remember.

As I continued to remember,
My chest began to burn with the feeling of lead beneath my skin.

 

When I returned to my cottage,
I found the picture I had drawn before -

The picture of Jaehyo
Etched onto the side of my ribs,
Just as I had drawn it
Before it was carried away with him
To a world far away from this one.

 

But there was something different about the picture -
Something that hadn't been there before.

 

Flying next to Jaehyo
Was a single butterfly,

And the more I looked at the butterfly,
The more I thought I saw it flapping its wings,
Flying in the wind with Jaehyo's body,
Returning to the world from which it came.

 

In looking at the butterfly,
I was reminded of an important truth,

A truth I had come to know all too well:

 

I was a butterfly
Because I had seen change.

I was a butterfly
Because I had changed completely.

I was a butterfly,
But I could not understand the nature of change.

 

I was a butterfly,
But I could not fly away from what was left of the world.

 

The world had changed
And there was nothing I could do about it.

 

Jaehyo was the butterfly

Who had the courage to grow wings,

But I was the butterfly
Without any wings.

 

 

 

 

________________________________________________________________________________

I have honestly never loved writing a story more than I love writing this one. <3

I know that U-Kwon still hasn't shown up, but that's just because it isn't his time yet.
See, I write stories without plans and scripts - just straight from the heart,
And my heart was telling me that it wasn't his time to come yet.

U-Kwon is going to affect B-Bomb's life in incredible ways,
But I just felt that B-Bomb was not yet ready to find U-Kwon.

Instead he found Jaehyo,
And Jaehyo's impact on him will be very important for the rest of the story.

Please don't be mad at me for making him die; it just had to happen.

I really loved writing that bit about Jaehyo, though.
I thought it just fit him so well.

I'm almost starting to see Block B in the same way I see my own characters...and that's kinda scaring me. xD

For all of my Zico lovers out there
You better be ready,
Cuz guess who's making a grand appearance in the next chapter?(;

Comments/opinions/suggestions/criticisms are always welcome! Thank you so much for reading! ♥