They say having a dream is hard. Once you got one, you keep fighting for it, aiming for it until you can. But when is that ’until’? When is that time when you give it up? Is there a time like that at all?

She woke up to the bright sunlight – it was the end of May, summer was closer than ever. She wanted to sleep so turned around to face the other side of the bed. It was a mistake. Seeing the empty place, the smooth sheets and feeling the cold hurt her.

„- Know that I’ll always be with you. When you close your eyes and don’t see a thing… Know that I’m there. When you go home alone, eat dinner alone, watch TV alone… Know that you’re not alone. Just because you don’t see some things it doesn’t mean that they don’t exist. Think about the wind… or think about dreams.”

He said that when she went to China to shoot her drama… when they last saw each other.

She clenched her eyes to stop herself from crying. She cried so much lately that she was wondering how she’s still able to cry at all. At this state she should be over with it. She should live her life, do her thing, etc… But even if it was the rgiht thinking, she knew well that she’s not ready for it yet. Some days… weeks… or probably months will pass until she will be able to live again.

„- Living is not about love, you know, he said once. There’s a lot ot of other things which are more important than that.

- Like what?, she asked in disbelief. That was the time when they were the most madly in love. His statement came like thunderbolt from clear sky.

- Like fighting for your right... Waking up early even if  you hate it… Helping somebody even if you know they’re helpless… Thing like that.

She furrowed her eyebrows.

- Ya, oppa, don’t lie to me!

- Why would I lie to you?, he asked.

- You said living is not about love but all the things you enumerated are fully connected to love. Fighting for your right? You’re fighting for it because you love yourself and want the best for yourself… Waking up early? Even if you hate it, at the end of the day you can’t help but love it if you think about how many things were you able to do because of it. And helping somebody… It’s not about being helpless, it’s about sympathy. And sympathy equals love.

He looked at her so intensely that she had to shut her eyes down.

- Did I say something wrong? I know that I drivel all the time.

- Well, you really do –

- OPPA!

-  Let me finish it, pabo! He flashed her warmest smile at her. You do but this time what you said is kinda right… I think I should correct my statement: Living is NOT ONLY about love.”

Her phone was ringing. She didn’t want to pick up, she didn’t want to make more excuses, hear more „Sorry.”, and more „We miss you.” But in her little corner of heart, she can’t help but doing it so. Hope? Madness? Comfort? She just did it.

„Yeoboseyo?”

„Vic, it’s me.”

She gulped down her tears.

„What do you want again?”

„Come back.”

„Changmin…”

„COME BACK!”

Her eyes widened. He was shouting just like last time.

„- How do you mean you couln't do it?

- He said singing is his life. If we had performed the surgery he might have had lost –„

- Lost his voice? I’VE JUST LOST MY BEST FRIEND!”

- Oppa, please…

- SHUT UP, VIC! We lost him, you can’t understand? He’s gone… HE’S GONE!”

Remembering the scene shivers ran down her spine.

„I can’t.”

„Yes, you can! We’ve waited long enough for you to get yourself together.”

„G-get myself together?” Her voice was shaking. „You know what you’re talking about? It’s not that I lost a puppy or left my wallet with all of my money in it… He was my life.”

„Don’t talk nonsense, Vic.”

„I’m saying the truth. He was my life… and when he died, he took it along. No matter how hard you’re trying, you won’t get back that old self of me. Please only call me if it’s urgent, oppa.”

„Ya, Vic –„

She hung up while sobbing.

She hated her state – how she wasn’t able to move, to sing, to smile, to live. Hated the fact that while she was in this little daydream of her, the fact that every people who loves her is waiting for her desperately for a year now. She hated herself.

But when she tried to get up, she couldn’t. When she tried to sing, she choked on the words. She tried to smile but cried instead. Tried to live but… was slowly dying instead.

They say having a dream is hard. Once you got one, you keep fighting for it, aiming for it until you can. But when is that ’until’? When is that time when you give it up? Is there a time like that at all?

Victoria only knew one thing for sure: having a dream like Cho Kyuhyun felt the easiest when she was alive.