He swung the arms he couldn't control around as he staggered into his room. Youngbae was never one for drinking. In contrast, he swore never to drink. Yes, his health was important but there was another reason unknown to his friends. She did not like drinkers. He told himself then never to take a sip of that vicious alcoholic drink. But that was all in the past. Health, what health? He will die eventually; perhaps speeding up the process wouldn't hurt as much as the current life he was leading now. Going to work, pretending he was happy, feigning he had a life, those were all lies. The light in his life has disappeared. She was not his in the first place, but it was all too sudden. His loved one was going to be someone else’s. He saw no reason to carry on living; who would, under the same circumstances?

 

He continued his lifestyle though, as though nothing had affected him. Seeing her did not hurt as much as the first few days after the engagement. Then, he was heartbroken. It was tough, to paint a smile on his face every single morning, when all his heart desired was to be left alone, when he rather not to entertain. That would never happen though. Taeyang was the mood maker, the one everyone thought to be euphoric all the time. If only they knew how tormented he was every second. He tried though, he really tried to break out of his shell, to erase the heartache, but he couldn't. It was not simple, nor easy, to get rid of a love that lasted two years.

 

He gave up. He couldn't do it. In the end, he continued faking the smiles and went to work like usual. He went straight home after, where he could drown his sorrows in his only true and loyal companion - liquor. After a couple of shots, he was out drunk. Dead drunk. The memories did not invade his mind during those few tender hours and he was glad. He wanted to be free of the nightmare. Seeing her, seeing him, seeing them together, it took a toll on his heart and brought on a totally wide array of emotions he struggled to contain. In her, he saw longing and the future that would never take place. In him, he saw betrayal and resented it. No words could aptly describe the flurry of emotions he felt whenever he saw him. When they were together, only one, lone emotion was felt. Jealousy. Youngbae was jealous. He saw the chemistry between them and hated it, yet he could never tear his eyes away. He felt as though he was robbed of his own happiness with her and it made him wonder; was he capable of giving her happiness?

 

He woke up with a pounding in his head. What had happened the night before? He took a look at the bottles scattered over the living room floor and lay back down on his back. The pounding was becoming more frequent, with each hit making him see double. He struggled to get up and when he did, the date finally struck him. The day had finally arrived. There was no denying or delaying it. He felt a pang of sorrow in his heart and moved monotonously to wash up.

 

Just after he got out of his car, he heard the distant ringing of wedding bells. For a second, he was honestly considering the idea of backing out. He could lie and say he had a severe headache. Even a stomach ache could work. But Youngbae was never one to break his promises, even if he did cook up lies and successfully pulled bluffs. After all, no one did tell him to forget about her but he couldn't blame them. They never knew his feelings for her. He took a deep breath and pulled himself together. He was the pianist and he couldn't disappoint her, especially not on her big day. Taeyang took light-hearted steps up to the church. His friends were all there, clapping him on the back, laughing and joking that the wedding was already over and he was too late to stop it. He laughed along but his heart ached. How much Youngbae wished it to be true, the part about stopping the wedding. He dreaded the inevitable moment, where he would watch her be entrusted to the clutch of another man's arms.

 

He walked deeper into the church and peered into one of the many rooms. Then, he faltered as though he got shot. There she sat in her long white train, looking ever so pure, so beautiful, like an angel. She smiled to him and he managed a smile back as he collected his thoughts. 'So beautiful,' his heart whispered gently as he took a step closer to her. Her rose boutique in hand, she certainly seemed like an angel sent down from heaven, one that was walking towards him now. No human could pull off such an intricate dress that had to weigh a pound. His smile wavered. The dress. Her wedding dress. He wanted to say something to her, anything, but the words got stuck in his throat. She was too beautiful. Before he could move any closer to her, he appeared. Her fiancée and soon, her husband. Youngbae's heart burst into flames. Jealousy coursed through every fibre of his being, spreading like wildfire as Taeyang kept his plastered smile in place. The couple before him stayed close to each other, stuck at the hips. They exchanged sweet whisperings and she giggled a little. Youngbae had to look away. Standing this close to them was hazardous for his mental health. He wanted to retreat, to turn and run away and let the aching in his heart flow through his blood, but he couldn't.

 

Thank goodness, he was joined by friends at that moment. He kept his smile as they walked away, leaving the couple to themselves. Taeyang chattered breezily to them until more relatives started filing in. He saw her mum and started to turn away but she called his name. He had no choice but to turn and greet her. She was not only her mum; she could practically be his mum as well. Although old with age as the wrinkles prove, she was still every bit senile, and very much observant. She saw through the facade of his and recognized only pure, deep hurt in Youngbae's eyes, well masked by fake delight, and could do nothing but sympathise. The old woman patted his back gently and thanked him for helping out in the wedding preparations. Before she walked away, she mouthed an apology. Youngbae could feel his heart crushing and sinking to the depths of Tartarus. So she had known his love for her daughter. She smiled wryly and walked away, leaving him alone with his suffocating thoughts. If the mother could see his attempts and maybe, just maybe, feel his love for her, why couldn't her daughter?

 

Taeyang sat behind the piano and looked to the church doors. Any moment, he would be given the cue to start and in will she walk, as graceful as ever. Indeed, she glided in in her high heels, managing to walk down the aisle, elegant with practice as his fingers started dancing on the piano keys. She had specifically asked him to play the song he had composed and produced to be her wedding song. Her wish was his command and so he played. Youngbae looked ahead and in his mind, flashed all the happy times he spent with her. There they were, sitting on the couch of her house, playing her favourite game of the Tap Tap series. Another memory arose; they were sitting on the top of his jeep, laughing about university days.

 

The instrumental march of the song slowed and ended just as she reached her fiancé. They exchanged grins as the priest began his long speech about the wedding vows. Youngbae closed his eyes; he did not want to hear any more about the wedding. Why had he agreed to be the pianist in the first place? Now he had to witness everything right at the front. The memories started hitting him again, this time with more force, as though on a mission to break his resolve. They were playing games on the phone, smiling and laughing, with no care to the world. His arm hung slightly off her shoulders, shifting as she laughed with mirth. The priest's voice rang throughout the church, “Any objections or forever hold your peace”, promptly breaking the memory. She turned her head slightly and caught Youngbae's gaze. She grinned at him, as though conveying her happiness to him. At that very moment, something in Youngbae's heart stirred. That smile was exactly the same as the one he saw in his mind just seconds ago. It triggered an explosion of emotions in his heart and at that split second, he wanted to be the one that stopped the ceremony.

 

 

"Don't marry him! I love you!"

 

 

The words did not make it out of his mouth. He went rigid, and his fingers gripped tightly onto one another. The priest said something else but he couldn't make out what it was. Youngbae turned his head, just as they leaned in towards one another. It was official. Their vows have been said. They were officially a married couple, recognized by law. Youngbae could feel his heart freeze and constrict. She wasn't his MinJun anymore. She was officially Mrs Nam, another man's wife. The whole church rang with excitement and laughter as the newly wedded couple slowly made their way down the aisle, together. Youngbae stayed on the seat, his eyes shut. He didn't have to open his eyes to see everyone's delighted faces, and he didn't want to antagonize himself any longer. He wanted to escape from the cruel reality, called life.

 

How had it happened? The question remains a big mystery to Youngbae, often lingering in his thoughts and more often as he liked, brought back the bitterness and resentment he felt towards his friend. Nam Yu Hyun was his university friend, and Taeyang was the one who introduced him to MinJun. The trio started out as project partners, often meeting at her house and their friendship developed from there. When Youngbae hung out with her, he would always be around. He thought little of it, and now he blamed himself for being so dense, so daft. Had he not seen the signs? How Yu Hyun made her laugh as easily as he did? Looking back, Youngbae resented himself as much as he feels towards Yu Hyun. Now it was all too late. She had accepted his proposal, even before Youngbae had a chance to express himself.

 

The church was empty; everyone had filed out, waiting at the reception area for the newly wedded couple whilst chatting in high spirits. Youngbae slowly got up, his head hurting from his thoughts. The tears forming in his eyes threatened dangerously to spill over. Youngbae laughed bitterly to himself, never in his life he would have thought himself to cry over a lost love. He needed to stabilize his emotions. He needed a drink. He needed a drink. Perhaps now, it would be right for him to skip the wedding lunch and head home, where he could finally indulge himself in the cool drink and again, let the liquor gain control of his mind. He heard the familiar sound of heels hitting against the ground and looked up. Despite the blur vision, he could still make out the figure, clad in the white, wedding dress. MinJun. Taeyang wiped the tears away with the back of his hand and struggled to form a smile on his face. Before he could say his congratulations, he felt an unfamiliar touch on his hand. He made out slim, cold fingers and then did he realised they were her hands. Her hand was cold. She was holding onto his hands. For an unknown reason, the gentle touch brought back a choke of emotions. She smiled at him and whispered, "I'm finally married." His stomach twisted to hear her acknowledge it herself. He painfully nodded and looked down to their touching hands. They weren't intertwined, just holding onto each other, as though in support, in comfort. No words exchanged, she leaned in towards him and Youngbae felt his eyes closing. Her lips touched his gently and he felt the prolonged tears in his eyes making their way down his cheeks, eventually making their way to his lips. They parted in less than five seconds and she hugged him briefly, "I'm sorry, Youngbae. Forget me." With that, she walked off in the same direction that she came in from.

 

He felt a sting in his heart. She had never called him by his real name before. All along it had been Taeyang, Taeyang and only Taeyang. He looked down at his hand and saw a note tucked in between his fingers, a note that had been slipped in during that short kiss. A mental struggle took place in his mind, whether he should read the note or not, if his heart could still stand any disappointment. His fingers unfurled the paper unconsciously and he found himself reading the words written carefully on the paper.

 

 

Taeyang,

If you're reading this, it means I'm married to Yu Hyun oppa already.

I'm going to be a coward and tell you everything through this slip of paper. Please don't hate me, oppa.

I truly like you, oppa, but my feelings for you were only platonic and no more than that. I couldn't bear to bring myself to tell you that because I know you like me, and I didn't want to hurt you.

Yu Hyun finally came into the picture. We began to hang out as three but I realised, I liked Yu Hyun more than I should. I'm not sorry for that, because I love him and he is my partner for life. But because of that, I did the one thing I told myself not to - I hurt you. I can see how I hurt you, Taeyang, and I'm sorry for that, I really am. Masking up your sorrow with your laughter, hiding the tears with your smiles, I saw through everything.

Taeyang, don't be. Don't be sad anymore. Don't live your life like that anymore. I'm not worthy of your tears. You have to forget me. There will be someone out there, who will love you equally as you, love them, but it's just not me. I have Yu Hyun, and you too, will find someone.

Forget me, Taeyang. I love you, always have, always will, but as your best friend. Find someone who's worthy of your love and when you do, I will be smiling at the side, happy for you. Please, bless my marriage with Yu Hyun oppa.

MinJun

 

 

The tears flowed down Youngbae's eyes like water from a stream. Smooth, fast and clear. Everything was clear to him now. MinJun, like her mum, saw his affection towards her. He shook his head and laughed silently to himself. MinJun knew all along. She wasn’t the ignorant one. He was. He knew that the affection he had towards MinJun was not mutual but he refused to acknowledge it. The prolonged understanding had finally arrived. He was scared of the rejection he would face. All along, Youngbae was scared. But the letter helped ease his heart. He didn’t stop the tears this time. Youngbae let them run down. Minjun said it there. They will only be best friends. Yet, for some incomprehensible reason, Youngbae’s heart didn’t hurt so much. Perhaps he had let go. Perhaps, just perhaps.

 

Taeyang took a deep breath and stepped out to the reception area. There in the centre, stood MinJun and Yu Hyun. He watched them laugh pleasantly to the relatives crowding around them, wishing them many well wishes. His hand reached into his pocket and a ring. It was the ring he had planned to use to propose to MinJun. Now it was too late, but now, Youngbae did not regret it. He finally understood. True love couldn’t be forced. He looked up from the small delicate ring and his gaze landed on her smiling face. She laughed and he found the edge of his lips curling in a little upward smile. MinJun was happy, and so would he be. Taeyang closed his eyes and let go of the ring. It clattered against the cold ground but no one heard it. Youngbae smiled, finally. He had, let go. It would hurt, at some point in time, love would always hurt, but perhaps, time would lessen the pain.

 

 

 

------

completed

 

Hi y'all (: Hope you guys like it? Please, do comment and give suggestions if there's anyway I can improve on it (:

 

On a side note..

OMG RINGA LINGA. DOOM DADA. WINNER SPOTTED ON THE STREETS OF SHIBUYA. MINO WITH HIS HAMMER. omg. feels everywhere this past week.