I'm so sorry but I love you

It was all lies I didn't know

Now I realized that I need you.
I'm so sorry but I love you I gave you scars

I should have never let you go to waste
I'm so sorry but I love you It was all lies

[BigBang - Lies]

J-Hope

I put some things together before I leave the room I use to share with Jungkook and Jimin. I don’t want to let Taehyung sleep alone in this room and also I could sleep maybe a little bit better. Now no one would crawled into my bed and cling onto me. But I’m not sure about Taehyungs sleeping habits. But let’s see. I sigh up before I leave the room and walk through the corridor to the room which Taehyung shares with Jin before. With the elbow I open the door and enter the room. “Ah, Hoseok, let me help you!”, Taehyungs says when he sees me. The younger one rushes over to me and takes some of my blankets out of my arms. He takes them to the empty bed of Jin and place them on it. I put my pillow on it and my stuffed pet. It looks like a rabbit… with white and pastel green strips on it and a pink heart on it. “Ahh! That’s cute!”, Taehyungs grabs the rabbit and smiles a bit more „And so fluffy…ah~“. Like a little child he looks at it and grins a bit. “It’s from Yoongi”, I tell him before I sit down on my new bed. Taehyungs raises an eyebrow. “From Yoongi? Really? He gives you a stuffed pet?“, he asks and sits down next to me. Slowly I nod and through my hair. “Yes… it’s somehow… cute why he gives me that… We live together for some time and then I had an accident when we went skating. In the end I had to stay at the hospital for a few days and I hated it there because I was so alone so Yoongi brought me this one that I don’t have to be so alone”, I explain him and grin a bit. Taehyung looks a bit before he starts to laugh. “Oh, Yoongi really loves you!”, he says and claps his hands. I look at him for a moment and bite my lower lip. Yoongi really loves me… I shake my head and also laugh a bit. “Yes, he really loves me”, I say and laugh a bit again. Then we sit there in silence before Taehyungs leans his head on my shoulder. “I hope everything will be okay soon… I feel so bad because you and Yoongi don’t really talk to each other and now Jin left the dorm and Nam Joon is sad too. I don’t want that anyone is sad… why can’t we be happy like before?”, he starts to talk and cuddles on me.

And I start to feel bad.

It’s my fault that Yoongi and I don’t talk anymore… slowly I think it’s my fault even though I don’t know what I did wrong. I never said something bad to him, I know him. At least I think I know him but since the past few days I get the feeling that I didn’t know him at all. “I promise you Taehyung, everything will be alright soon. I will talk to Yoongi soon and you know Jin – he can’t leave you alone that long. Also he knows we need him… just let him have a little break”, I say to him and Taehyung nods a bit. “I hope… “, he mumbles and closes his eyes. I look down at him for a moment and bite on my lip again. I really need to talk to Yoongi. “Can you talk to him now?”, Taehyung mumbles and I shriek together. I look at him but the younger one looks at me with puppy eyes. “But he’s angry… And I don’t want to make him a way angrier than he is right now”, I say slowly but Taehyung hits my back slightly. “Please Hoseok… Please”, he almost begs me to do this “You could try it at least”. I let out a sigh before I nod then. “I try it… but when he screams at me I will leave him alone”, I say and slowly stand up. Taehyung grins a bit and then he also nods a bit more. “Thank you”, Taehyungs says and laughs a bit. I smile at him before I leave the room slowly and close the door behind me. At the other side of the corridor is the room of the two rappers… Yoongis room. A shake myself a bit before I walk over to the door and knock before I enter the room. “Yoongi?”, I ask and he looks up. First he looks puzzled at me but then he presses his lips together and shakes his head. “Leave me alone Hoseok”, he says and look at the piece of paper in front of him. “No, this time I won’t leave you alone, I think I have leave you alone enough”, I say to him and lock the door behind me. When the smaller one hears the sound of it he jumps up. “I warn you Hoseok! Unlock the door!”, he says and his voice get louder during this. But I only shake my head. “No! Let me talk to you Yoongi”, I say to him but he walks over to me. “No… No Hoseok! I don’t want to talk to you”, he says and tries to grab the key. But I hold this one in my hand and didn’t let him take it. “Hoseok…. The key! Give me the ing key or I punch you! Hoseok! I warn you“, he already screams at me. He looks a me and I for a moment I though that he would really want to punch me. Not a normal soft punch… No.

I grab him by his shoulders, pull him close to me and press my lips onto his. Immediately he shuts up and stops to move around. A moment there is nothing, neither of us moves and I don’t even dare to breathe. Slowly I break the kiss and look him into the eyes. “Please, let me talk to you Yoongi”, I whisper and caress his shoulders. He looks at me before he close his eyes for a moment “Okay”. I smile a bit more at this words and want to hug him – but I control myself.

A few seconds later we both sit on his bed. We didn’t say anything until he clears his throat and look at me “So… begin, you wanted to talk”, he says and I nod. “Yes… I… I don’t know what I did wrong but I’m sorry Yoongi. I’m sorry when I have hurt you, I’m so sorry, I never wanted to hurt you… You are so important to me Yoongi. You are one of the most important persons in my entire life and you always will be that and the last thing I want to do is to hurt you so that you don’t even want to talk to me….”, I start and look down on the ground. I couldn’t look at him right now. I start to feel so bad… I must have hurt him with anything… I have must hurt him really bad. But I don’t know what I did wrong… I could apologize that we had but I don’t regret it, that why I didn’t apologize for it. And I didn’t get the feeling that he didn’t like it… he seems more like… he really enjoys it…

“Hoseok”, he then whispers and I look at him. Yoongi look at me with wet eyes and he shakes a bit. “I should be the one who is sorry… you didn’t do anything wrong… you never did anything…wrong”, he whispers and his voice breaks. I just put my arms around him and pull him closer to me. The smaller one buries his face in the crook of my neck and let out soft sobs. I pull him closer to him and close my eyes. “I’m so sorry Yoongi”, I whisper and through his sot hair. It smells so good like always. “Stop saying this…stop it”, he whispers and clings into my shirt. I hear that he wants to sound angry but it didn’t work. I sit up a bit, put a hand under his chin and lift up his face. He looks at me for a moment and I start to wipe away his tears softly. “Don’t cry Yoongi… I hate it to see you cry”, I say softly and a soft smile appears on his lips. I can’t help but start to smile when I see it. He always looks so cute then and I always want to hug him. This time I couldn’t resist and pull my arms around his small body and pull him closer to him. I place a kiss on his forehead before I look at him. “But… Can you tell me why you didn’t talk to me… that I won’t do that again”, I beg him carefully and he let out a sigh. Now he is still for a moment before he shakes his head. “I can’t tell you… but you actually didn’t do anything wrong I just acted like a crazy teenage girl”, he says and smiles softly at me. “Why can’t you tell me that? I’m… I’m your best friend I think you should be able to tell me everything”, I say. “But… this is different… I don’t want to talk about this at all”, he mumbles and snuggles more onto me. A moment I just sit there before I carefully put my arms around him. I close my eyes and just enjoy the closeness to him again, to feel his small body against mine and his arms around my waist. To smell his scence… Just to be with him. It means everything to me. I wish we could stay like this forever and that I don’t have to let him go. Carefully I through his hair and smile a bit. “I’m so happy… that we are like this again”, I say quietly and Yoongi starts to nod immediately. “I also missed it… Can we stay like this a little bit longer?”, he ask me and I laugh a bit.

“As long as you want Yoongi”.

Later that day I lie in my bed – Jins bed. It’s really comfortable and warm. While Taehyung prefers his bed, he likes to talk…a lot. “…Oh and I’m so happy that you are friends again with Yoongi. Oh you two look really cute together”, he says and laughs a bit. I grab the stuffed pet which Yoongi gave me a few years ago. “We don’t look cute together… we look like normal friends”, I say and also laugh a bit. I pull the blanket a little bit more over myself. “You look more like a couple… hey, did you ever think about that? I mean you two would make a great couple”, he starts to babble but I lift up my head. “A couple? Are your serious Taehyung?”, I ask him but the younger one still laughs. “So, have you ever think about it?”, he ask me again and I shake my head. “No… never, like I said we a friends”, I tell him again. But I must think about it… Yoongi and I… as a couple. We get along well… we had … he looks hot and cute… he understands me… he knows a lot about me and we share the same interest… WAIT! I shake my head. Yoongi… is a boy…and I’m a boy too… I bite my lower lip. But I never have been interested in girls. Not like the other males in my age. I could talk to them and hang out with them but I never fall in love with one… I also never had the desire to kiss one. But I like it to kiss Yoongi, I really like it. I like it to touch him and to be with him… cuddle with him. I start to smile a bit. I really love it when he snuggles onto my chest and clings into my shirt, like he didn’t want me to go. But I would never leave his side.

“But… you should think about it Hoseok!”, Taehyung mumbles “ We also would support you all”. I raise an eyebrow. What? „Taehyung… it’s okay I will think about it“, I tell him. And the younger one starts to laugh a bit. “You should hurry up, I think Jihoon is really interested in him”, he tells me which let me gasp for air. “What did you say?”. Even though it’s totally dark in the room I can see his big teeth-grin. “Jihoon seems to be interested in Yoongi… they also would look cute together … a rapper couple”, he says. “I’m a rapper too and I can dance!”, I remind him and press the stuffed rabbit against my chest. Just like Yoongi… But with him I’m a way more careful. “Yeah… yeah but Jihoon looks really good”. Why can’t he shut up? I don’t want to hear how good Jihoon raps or look. Especially when I know that he is interested in Yoongi. Wait… Am I jealous? Of Jihoon. Okay, I don’t want that Yoongi spends so much time with him when he is really interested in him… but I only want that Yoongi is save! Nothing more… yes. Not that Jihoon hurt him in the end. Oh, I would kill him if he dares to hurt Yoongi. “Well… we should sleep now”, Taehyung says and I hear the ruffle of his blanket “Good night”. I lie there a moment before I close my eyes and snuggle into my stuffed rabbit. “Good night Taehyung”, I say. But I couldn’t sleep… I lay here awake and think about his words.

Yoongi and I as a couple.

Jihoon seems to be interested in Yoongi.

No, I won’t let this happened. Yoongi is mine and only mine. No one else should touch him, kiss him or him. I’m the one who is allowed to do that. I AM. And not Jihoon or Nam Joon or someone else. No one! I cling into my blanket. I won’t let this happened, no. But then I stop to breath for a moment. All these thoughts… all this thoughts about him and someone else… about Yoongi and me…

Do I love him?

Sorry that it took so long D: I'm so sorry! And I'm also so sorry that this chapter is so short~

The next one will be better!