Title: 1-4-3 ( I Love You)

Title:
Firstly, I think the title of your story is slightly too simple, but I love how you use numbers to express "I love you" just like in Henry's song. I like the way you name it in such a way that it doesn't reveal anything about the story line; but you do let the readers know that it's a romance & fluff story.

Description/ Foreword:
Let me tell you how to put the punctuation marks in a much tidier way that when you read it, you can have feelings that it's neat. Neat things give good impression. I like the poster you have. It's such a beauty that it attracts me, really.
But then I think I shall point out some of the weak point.

1.The description of your fanfics actually has shown the whole plot of the story. If the readers can already know how your story will go without even reading it, do you think they will still like it?
You've somehow revealed that the story will be about MinAh being liked by the guys over there, and about how his boyfriend can let go of her or not. but then I realize I need to give you a plus point here, there's 3 guys here. Yet, you actually keep it a secret about who'll be with her. uhm, nice one.


2. You need to describe the sentence more, so that it attracts the reader. I think it would look much better:
EXO will have a concert tour in Singapore, (since this is still talking about things that are related, I suggest you to use comma.) Sunny Entertainment which is located in Singapore will be the one who takes care of EXO, (I added comma, to show that the information behind is used to describe the sentence in front) while they're in Singapore, and they will also have a tour around Singapore after their concert. (Try not to put a fullstop here, you still have statement that is closely related. [exo concert and their tour is after the concert, it's closely related] )........

3. Please note about how you place the punctuation marks.

"What if MinAh,a dancer in Sunny Entertainment,meets the arrogant and cool boy,Luhan?........."
Edited- "What if MinAh, a dancer in Sunny Entertainment, meets the arrogant and cool boy, Luhan?......"

4. I think it'll be much better if you put "is going to" instead of "will".
Do not keep on repeating the same words, repeating words make each paragraph very tedious. The reason why I told you that you need to use "is going to" is because you repeat the word "will" so many times.

If I'm one of the viewers who check your fanfics, I would like to say that I love the graphics, how you show the characters' personality and a bit of how 3 guys like a girl is cool. I hope you can edit the mistakes in it, I just showed you some of the examples. If you need help about it again, just ask me.



CHAPTER 1.

1. I'm going to tell you about uhm, having too many dialogues in a chapter is not the best way of writing, it's actually so amateur.

Someone has told me about this before, that we must not have too much dialogues in a chapter. (and I can notice that your whole chapter is made of dialogues!) you need to explain it in a descriptive way. Let me show you an example:
 

* The dance teacher, Himchan is teaching the dancers in the practice room--he moves his legs swiftly, showing them the first step of their choreography. One of the dancer, Xinhua stops dancing as she eyed him.

• "How to do it?" Xinhua inqueries, looking at him with a confused face. Himchan repeats the same movement again; he steps his leg back and swing it around perfectly.

Now, you can tell which one is more attractive and nice to read. That's extracted from your story. It might not be easy to do this at first, all I can tell you is to read more english book since you mentioned that it's not your first language.

I would like to tell you that uhm, 4-5 dialogues are actually enough already. Having too much dialogues like this. it makes your fanfics look like a script, to be honest.

2.  THIS LINE:
"Hihi..Kris hyung,calm down.Let me handle this bo." LuHan coaxed Kris and ran towards SeHun.

There's like some mistakes.
First, before writing it, I hope you do know about the characters well already.
a. Kris is younger than Luhan. He shouldn't call him but 'hyung'.
b. Typo. "bo" I think it's supposed to be "boy".
c. just as I said before, even if you are going to make it in dialogue, please do explain the activity in much clearer way.
d. I personally doesn't like it when someone write "hihi" "hehe" "keke" or such stuffs which is used to explained that they're laughing or chuckling.

I would like to tell you to change about the punctuation marks again.

3.   "Hey you guys.Stop arguing can you?Soo Man uncle wants to meet us." SuHo came in and said.

Some awkward things can be found:
a. You don't call the CEO or former CEO (but I guess he's the CEO in your fics) by UNCLE. No one calls the one with higher position by Uncle.
b. "Stop arguing can you?" is just so wrong, it's supposed to be "Can you please just stop arguing?" it's close. but let me tell you, the one that you wrote is not accepted in grammatical forms.

again, I found lots of UNCLE here.

4.  "Welcome.Have fun and do your best in the concert tour." Lee Soo Man smiled at them.
 "Arasso.We will do our best at the concert tour." SuHo said while nodding.

Know how to use punctuation mark:
"Welcome, have fun and do your best in the concert tour," Lee Sooman smiled to them.
"Arasso, we will do our best at the concert," Suho replied, while nodding his head slowly.

5.  "Next week Monday.Other infos,the staffs will tell you." Lee Soo Man answered.

Don't use short form of words, it shows how amateur someone is.
"On the next Monday, and for other information.. the staffs will tell you more," (AVOID REPEATING Lee Soo Man) the CEO answered.

6. I prefer to read korean name in such way ----> Suho instead of SuHo; Sehun instead of SeHun and so on.

7.  "Hmmm....he's cool." Xin Hua smiled as she watched their ending part.

I prefer it to be:
She nods in agreement, humming softly as she nods again. "He's cool," she mumbles as Exo dances to their ending part.

8. Explain a paragraph in much descriptive way, so that the readers' imagination can become even better. Let me give you some example.

a. At the time Xin Hua the television,it's showing EXO's Wolf music video.Xin Hua watched the whole video but her attention just turned to LuHan.

Xinhua turns on the television. The black screens flashes into colorful lights which are showing EXO's latest music video, Wolf. Xinhua smiles, sitting on the couch--she looks at the whole video, little did she realize that her eyes are all over to the white petite guy called Luhan.

b.  Xin Hua turned off the television and walked out from her house.She walked to the bus stop since it's near her house.

The young girl turned off the television on the living room; she grabs her coat swiftly before walking out of her house. She headed to the closest bus stop of her house, which is pretty close.

9.  Xin Hua:Hmm,yeah.Why?
*Will be much better:
Xinhua: Hm, yeah. Why do you ask?

 HimChan:Mind meeting me at the 96'C Coffee Shop for a while?
--> this sounds a bit weird, or maybe only for me, but I guess this is informal.
"Would you mind to meet me at the 96'C Coffee Shop for awhile?"

 Xin Hua:Of course!I'll be there soon.Wait for me.
---> I thought she's supposed to think first or what, but well I think answering to someone's call.
"Sure, I'll be there soon. Wait for me.

 HimChan:Okay.Bye.
Himchan: Okay, bye.


10. THE ENDING OF A CHAPTER. IS . IMPORTANT.

Please note that this is the part which makes the reader wants to know even more and will be anticipating for your next update.

 "Xin Hua,I'm sorry I'm late.I just went through a heavy traffic jam just now." HimChan explained.

It really has no intens excitement in the end, too bad. That doesn't make the small flame inside me to burn with curiousity.

 

Your writing is actually quite good already, it's just the use of punctuation marks, conjunctions and some words that actually doesn't match. Also, the vocabs which is used in your story are basic. It's okay actually, but it would be much better if you don't explain it in such a repetitive way. "walk" "thank" "smile" "ask" and so on. I think Thesaurus can help, but that doesn't mean you can use it all the time, only for some words that are too repetitive in use.

I also have found that you mixed two tenses as one. This is common, I mean if you explained the story in past tense, then use past tense. Don't mix it with other tenses at the same time.
EX:  "Oh!There's one!" Xin Hua hailed the cab and it stopped.She quickly step into the cab.

Hailed are in PAST tense. while STEP(S) is present.

The flow of your story is just fine, it's not too fast or even too slow. I like it, and please remember about learning how to describe a scenario instead of using dialogues.

I just pointed out the  SOME of the mistakes for you. I hope you can have a check for your fanfics again and do edit them, edits all of the errors. I just showed you some of them, just some. If you ever need any help again, feel free to talk to me by PM or comment below.


Thanks for requesting at Heaven's Light Review Shop, I hope you would have a nice day.