Since the day you left me without even saying "goodbye" I felt the scenery around me change. The promise I made to be your everything, it will turn into a memory without being carried out.

When was that day, the day that you left? I can’t remember when you walked out on me. You left me. When I woke up, I was alone. Without realising it, I was alone. You were no longer there. It could have been just yesterday or maybe a year ago, maybe even decades ago. My memory fails me; all the dates I can remember are the happy ones. Our first date, our first-year anniversary, our marriage, each and every date of those events was committed to memory. I can’t forget you. I can’t forget us, and what we had together.

When you left, the world around me stopped. I could not remember the time, the day, the month, nor the year. The time that I spent alone was immeasurable torture. I could not breath, as it was choking, suffocating, to not be able to be around you. The world around me had stopped. Time would not resume until you came back.

I cried. I cried for the days and nights without you. When I didn’t cry, I was desolate, destroyed by my own despair. I wanted to be everything to you. I wanted to be yours, everlasting. I remember when I promised you to be everything that you wanted and more. Don’t you remember the smiles we both had on our faces? Don’t you remember how sincere I was? It had been a happy memory, but now all it does is bring pain.

Another memory flits through my mind, the one where you were smiling and I was smiling along with you. Where was that? I tried to remember. I tried to remember where it was, but I couldn’t, it was another memory that was bittersweet.

I tried to move on. I tried to live without you, but it was hard. I tried to imagine the world as it was before you entered my life. But alas, it could not be. I saw the world without your influence, your presence. I saw the world without your eyes and it was so different to the one I had known with you.

Everything changed, not just me. Everything. The world and its people changed, the animals and their cries changed, even the house I lived in changed. With you, the world was beautiful, everlasting like my love for you. With you, the people looked beautiful, every one of them. With you, I loved the world and everyone and everything that existed in it. Without you, it looked ugly, everything showing its hidden flaws. Without you, the animals appeared vicious and their cries turned into forlorn sobs rather than cheery chirpy songs.

Without you, the house was desolate. With you, it had been our home, our own special private retreat. Now that you had gone, it was just a house.

If I rushed to see you when you were crying by yourself, would you still be by my side now? If I was given another chance, I would want to say again, ‘I love you’. But the words that contain my overflowing feelings cannot reach you anymore.
 

I knew, I always knew.

I knew of your sorrow. But when you cried out in anguish, I was selfish. I didn’t run to comfort you. I let you suffer on your own. I couldn’t understand your sadness, your depression. I didn’t try to understand. I wonder if I had dealt with it differently, would you still be here?

If I had come to your side, instead of carefully avoiding you, would you be here still? If only I had, would you be next to me now? Would you still here with me, holding me, caressing me, and loving me? If you had known that I was there for you, rather than hiding away, would you have not left?

I wish I had known.

I wish I had known you were going to leave me. If I had known, I could have told you. I could have told you all the words that I wanted to say, so I could see you leave without any regret. If I had told you, would you have said goodbye instead of leaving like you did? Would you have left me a reason to stop loving you so that we could both move on? Instead, I’m left with this yearning to know where you are, who you are with and if you love me still.

I want to be at your side, telling you how much I love you. If only. If only, I had another chance to tell you. To whisper in your ears, those three words, three overused words, ‘I love you.’ Is it so hard to wish for a miracle for you to hear me? Is it so futile to wish for divine intervention so that you may hear my heartfelt words?

I know.

I know that you will never hear me. You are too far away, an angel who is out of my reach. You are like a star, fascinating, but too far away for ordinary folk to reach. You have changed. You are no longer reachable. You can no longer hear my words.

I know that even if you did, you would not understand. My words will never invite your understanding ever again. No matter what I say, you will forever be deaf to the meaning of my words. The words I love you would become like meaningless bird chirps to your ears. Never again, will you realise that those three words were said with utmost sincerity. My words would become nothing to you. Nothing.

Just like the opposite of everything.

Where are you now? Who are you with? What kind of clothes are you wearing and what are you laughing at? I am right here; even now I am right here. And I still believe that the two of us can meet again. I'm thinking about you, and this feeling won’t change. You are the only one that I’m thinking of.

I cannot help but think about you. I cannot help but think about what you would be doing now, where you are, who you are with. Everything and anything you would or could be doing, the clothes you would be wearing. I cannot help, but fathom what would be happening to you. My mind cannot help, but wander towards you.

I wonder.

Where are you? Are you at home or perhaps outside? If you are outside, would you still go to those places we had been together? The park where we met, the ice cream shop we used to go to, everywhere and anywhere we had been. Would you still go there? Could I hope to see you? Maybe you are at the movies, remembering the ones we saw together. Were you remembering the romantic comedies, the action movies or even the horror movie?

Who are you with? Could it be your sisters and brothers who are next to you? Are they comforting you? Or are you with someone else? Someone whom you truly love and they love you? Someone who can promise to be your everything and be that, without hesitation, without false promises. Who is it? Who is it that has the honour that I cannot have? Who is it that is by your side? Who is it that you depend on? Who is it that you love now?

What are you wearing? Are you dressed in formal clothing, ready for work? Or perhaps you are dressed in casual attire, on the way to meet up with a friend for coffee. Or maybe you are dressed in a tracksuit, off to run along Han River for your exercise routine. Or maybe you are like me, lazing around home dressed in pyjamas, with no particular goal in mind, but to make it through the day without crying.

What are you laughing at? Are you even laughing? Maybe you’re crying. I want to know about your emotions like I did before. I want to see you laugh. I want to see your happy face smiling at me. If I cannot see, I will wait. Forever, I will wait here for you, for us. I know that we will be together again. I believe in a day where we meet again. I believe in a day when I can feel happy with you again.

These thoughts of being here for you, they will not change. Forever I will wait, for you and only you. Nothing else fills my mind as I turn to the comfort that is sleep, the only place I can meet you again.
 

When I saw someone with the same kind of hair from behind, repeatedly, I mistook them for you before they turned around. Every time when I got a call, I was expecting your name on my phone.

I finally decide to get up and manage to put on some clothes. Walking to the door was a struggle; I don’t want to see the world anymore. The door opens and I feel like I’m blinded. It’s too bright, too happy, and too different to what I feel now.

I see many different people. Have you heard of the saying that there are at least seven people in the world who look like yourself? It must be true. From the back, I see people with same kind of hair as you and I became instantly drawn to them. I follow them, disregarding anything else. When they turn around, I see then that they are not you.

I see people with the same face as you. Forgetting my errand of buying everyday necessities, I chase after them. Only when I draw closer, I realise that they aren’t you. Their eyes are a bit smaller, noses a bit off, or even just a small mole in the wrong place. I chase after people with the same clothes, holding onto that faint hope that they may be you. But each time, I draw back, disappointed. Maybe, in this lifetime, I will not see you again.

But I can always hope.

My grocery shopping was dismal. It was lacklustre. I remember the days when we went shopping together. You were sitting in the shopping trolley, looking every bit like the kid you were on the inside. I remember the days when we went shopping with a proper shopping list and ended up with more than twice the amount of clothes we had said we were going to buy.

I trudge to the checkout, with my shopping basket in hand, having eluded the painful memories in which a shopping trolley could bring. The cashier looks at me with pity in their eyes and I almost break. My resolve takes a blow but still, I try to hold on.

Walking out of the grocery store with my shopping bags in hand, I walk with no destination in mind. I feel my body taking me closer to the ice cream store, but I don’t care. My body may think differently to my brain, but I don’t care. I just want to hear your voice again.

My phone rings and my heart leaps. Is it you? I answer it without looking at the screen and my heart falls at the voice. Without bothering to confirm who it is, I hang up. Why is it that I always expect it to be you? Do I miss your voice so much that I need to think of it constantly? Can it be that I can no longer bear to hear anyone else’s voice but yours?

I start to walk home, defeated.
I’m spending everyday doing nothing but embarrassing myself. "I can't forget you" was a lie; the truth is that I don't want to forget you. If you’re not by my side, I can’t feel even a bit of happiness.

I can’t stand the stares I get while I walk home. Is it that fascinating to see a person crying? Can it be that that they don’t understand love? Not watching where I’m going, I hiccup and trip, crashing onto the footpath with a sickening sound. I can’t get up. Not with all the stares and whispers that are directed at me. Finally, while still crying, I get up, stumbling still.

Can’t I do anything without embarrassing myself? It seems like when you left, my coordination left me as well. I can’t even stand upright properly. It wasn’t even a physical thing. My legs were strong; they had no problem with holding my body up. It was my spirit, my will to live on without you. It was gone. Without my will to live, I cannot coordinate myself. The blush slowly creeps up cheeks, suddenly my body burns with embarrassment.

I run home; suddenly coordinated.

I can’t forget you. That’s a lie. The truth is I don’t want to forget you. How could I ever want to forget you? You are the one who made my life complete. Without you I am an empty shell. Without you, I am like a hermit crab without a home. We are two halves of the same whole. Can’t you understand that? I want you to run back to me again. I want to know that there’s someone who is there for me, perfect in every way.

Without you, I feel glum. I feel sad, unhappy and all those feelings that are devoid of happiness. Without you, the sun in my life is gone. Now, my life is being exposed for what it really is, a gloomy wasteland of marshes and swamps, with all sorts of horrible, nasty creatures lurking inside, just waiting to devour an unwary traveller.

I write this down to inform you of my heartbreak. I write in order to wish it away.These are the words from my heart. These are the words that form in my head as if there were always there.

But mere words cannot describe the ache in my heart. They are just what they are: words. Words cannot prepare you for anything, they are just words. Just like how a simulator makes up a situation in order to ‘prepare’ you for something; words carry a warning behind them. Each person’s story is something different, but behind the carefully chosen words, there are warnings.

No matter how hard I try, my tears are falling down, and it won't stop anytime soon.
 

I miss you.

I miss you so much.

Somehow, I miss you so much.

It’s so simple, I miss you.

It’s simple.

I guess I love you too much. This is suffocating me.

I remember.

I remember everything.

I remember that smile of yours, so pure, so enlightening.

I remember the good times.

I remember the bad times.

I remember that I am now alone.

It is my turn to cry.

I understand now, I understand why you used to cry like that. My tears that I had struggled to keep in came bursting out the seams. It started as powerful as a tidal wave, bringing with it my turbulent feelings, my broken heart and all the hatred that had never been naturally been a part of me since you entered my life.

I cry.

I cry again for you, for me, for us. I cry for all that is lost, all that could have been and never will be. I cry for that dream house that we both imagined. I cry for the future we could have had together, but now we have to spend it apart.

And so, the tears keep falling.
 

I wonder where you are, who you're with, what kind of clothes you're wearing and what you're doing that makes you smile. I am here and still believe that the two of us can meet again. I'm thinking about you, and it won't change. I'm thinking about only you.
 

Again, my thoughts wander back to you.

My mind stumbles the same way my body had and I lose control over what I think of, who I think of. Everything flashes through my mind, unwelcome. I scream out in frustration, in pain, in agony. But this does not deter the unwelcome visitors.

Again, I think of you.

I think of you on a bus, on a bus from nowhere, in the middle of nowhere, going nowhere. Somehow, there is no longer a specific scenario I can envision you doing. I don’t know where you would be at this time of the day anymore. It used to be that you went out with friends to go shopping, or went to a café to indulge in your favourite book.

But now, I can only wonder where you are at this time of the day. I can only try to imagine you at a quay, waiting for somebody, or on a flight out of the country. Anything is possible where you are concerned, because right now, I don’t know you anymore.

I can see you again, at that unknown place, with a partner on your arms, guiding you. Perhaps it’s your parents, supporting you as you walk closer and closer to your destination. Or maybe you’re talking to the conductor of the orchestra you joined, looking for help. Or maybe it isn’t any of those and you’re alone while walking to your new place of residence.

I can think up of clothes for you. Millions of billions of different outfits and yet, none of them seem to “fit.” I can’t decide what you would be wearing now. I can ask myself endlessly, but I would never be able to answer the question.

Again, I envision you, taking the bus in the middle of nowhere to the middle of nowhere, with the strangest outfit and the strangest person next to you. You close your eyes and give the smallest of smiles, which gradually becomes wider and wider, until you are almost beaming. I wonder what you’re smiling at. I become jealous of what you’re smiling at, before I realise that this is all just my imagination anyway.

These thoughts hurt me; they hurt me a lot more than anything physical could. But still, I stand. Still I stand, waiting for you. I will wait here, through all the elements of weather, rain hail, snow, sunshine, wind, and storm. Nothing will deter me from waiting for you.

We will meet again. I will see your sweet face again. I will be able to hold you, caress you, and love you again. Our love for each other will be able to blossom again. I know that day will occur, when you and I meet and the world shall shift back to its rightful place and not be too bright or too dull.

Still, you are the object of my thoughts.

Still, no matter how far you are from me physically, I can still feel you around me. My eyes droop and sleep consumes my conscious mind again.
 

So here I am now. I’m alone, calling your name again. Even though I have no reason to embrace this heart-rending feeling anymore, but that's all I have left to do
 

I dream.

I dream of myself. I’m in the middle of nowhere. Forests of trees surround me, dark and imposing. They look scary, unforgiving, menacing even. I know that I’m alone in this strange world of that was composed of silence. It seems there’s a spotlight on me, signalling to everything and anything where I am.

I look up and as always, in my times of need, I look for you. Again and again, your name leaves my lips. Even though it rolls over the tongue effortlessly, I take care not to pronounce it wrong anyway. It’s soothing, calming, like chamomile, like aloe vera.

I realise that in my times of need, that even though you’ve left, I still look for you. I still look to you in my times of need. You are the one who I cry out for when I’m scared, when I’m alone, when I need someone by my side. Even if you have left an eternity ago, I’m still looking for you and expecting you to appear.

I need you, and I miss you. The feelings clench at my heart, but I’m still needing and missing you. I cry out in pain, emotional pain, when I realise that you are not here and that you will never be here again. But still, I cannot leave behind these feelings.

I have no reason not to leave these feelings behind. After all, they hurt me, more than any physical blow could. But still I hold on because it’s all I have left to do in this life.

The trees in my dream start closing in on me, they were numerous and overbearing. Suddenly, I felt suffocated, like I was struggling for breath. I manage to choke out your name in the middle of a strangled sob and I feel myself going under. The scene changes and suddenly, I’m drowning. The water consumes me, like a raging fire would. It fills my lungs and still, I’m choking and gasping for breath. It’s cold, too cold and the dream changes again. Now I’m too hot, burning even. The fire surrounds my body and when I look at my feet, they do not materialise. The fire climbs higher and higher, and I see myself being burned. I cry out in agony and still, the torture continues. Still, I’m calling out your name.

It became all too scary and I woke up, panting heavily.

Somehow, I knew. I knew that dream stood for what I believed in. I would only ever hold onto these feelings now, because it’s all I had left to do. Nothing in life mattered anymore.

Maybe life itself did not matter anymore.
 

Even if I know that the days when you were still bye my side, making the world shine, won’t come back again. But no matter what happens, no matter how far I’m lost, I never want to forget that my heart has chosen to love you.

But even so, with the hope and faith that you will come back to me again. The truth is felt in my heart. You won’t come back again. Nor will the cheer-filled days we had when we were together ever come back again.

The days when we played together at the beach will never happen again. The hermit crabs, which we saw together, the beautiful sandcastles we made, the glisten of the blue-jewelled sea, they will never be the same again. The smile on our faces will never be seen again. Instead, they will be replaced with other emotions, sadder ones.

The beach will still be there, the hermit crabs, even the sea. But I know that the sandcastles will never exist again. They were what we had made, and had I known that they were special, unique, one-of-a-kind, I would have never let us leave them that day. I should have kept them close to my side, like I should have kept you close to my side.

Instead I let you go.

No matter how much I hope, I know that those were the days of the past, confined to our memories. They will never be relived again, no matter how much I want them to be real again. I can still taste the salty sea in my mouth, but instead of the happy memories that we had created, my mind wanders to how they will never provide me happiness again. Instead, they are bittersweet memories, like dark chocolate. They provided me happiness, deliriousness, laced with some bitter thoughts.

But even when I’m lost, I don’t want to forget you, no matter how much it hurts. No matter how much the devil has taken from my life, I want to keep my memory. I want to keep remembering that you were the one I chose to love. I want to remember that my heart gave itself to you, to be trampled on, to break, to be completely shattered into pieces like it was right now.

Maybe I’m lost right now, but I never want to stop waiting for you. I never want to stop calling your name. My heart has chosen you, and therefore I am forever bound to you. Maybe it’s foolish, but I don’t want to admit that the days I had with you were nothing. To me, they are everything. If I let myself forget you, where will all those years go? What would my life become if I forget you? Maybe it’s foolish, but it’s all the happy memories I have left.

Maybe, it’s because I know that I will never be happy again without you.

No matter where you are and who you're with. No matter what you’re dreaming of, or what you're doing that makes you laugh. I will be here forever. Even now I am here and believing in a day that we meet again.

I wonder where you are, but I don’t really care anymore. You belong anywhere but here. You belong anywhere but by my side, because I am the one who cannot provide you any happiness, not now, not ever. You belong to the places where I am not. We are destined to miss each other, like day and night. Different, but the same, close yet far away.

Whoever you are with must provide you with more happiness than I do. They must keep you safe, the way I used to, before everything changed. They must be good and just. They must love you. That is all I wish for, for someone to love you as I could never do for you. I don’t mind who’s next to you, as long as you are happy. I may be jealous of the person who is next to you, but I will never take away those who make you happy.

And maybe, just maybe, your dream is taking you further away from me. Maybe your desire to reach further, reach higher towards your goal is going to take you away from me. But I don’t care anymore. As long as you know, down here in the pits of unworthiness, I am here. I am here waiting for you to look at me again.

I know that you are unreachable, that I am like a mere mortal who tries to reach for an angel. But still, a mortal can dream of the angel’s attention. A mortal can wait, until the end of their life for the person they love. That’s why I’m still here, waiting for the day we are together again. I am waiting for us.
 

I'm thinking about you and it won't change
I'm thinking about only you

You, I miss you so.

Only you can make me feel this way.

The feeling of sadness, mixed with joy. The feeling of being in love, yet heartbroken. The hope, the faith, the tears, the pain, all mixed together to form one emotion.

An emotion that I wasn’t sure of, but I know that I will remain steadfast. I will remain a loyal lover, thinking about only you.

To my last breath, only you.

I'm thinking about you and it won't change
I'm thinking about only you

It’s starting to fade away, the feeling in my feet and my hands.

I’m cold, colder than ever before as I feel my heartbeat slow down.

But still, the images in my mind do not waver.

Images of you and how we were together do not waver, even as my body slows down. My body may feel cold, but my heart is warm with these images of you.

Even to my last breath, only you remain in my thoughts.

To my last breath, I will stand by you.