It's time...
Last Moments
I'm going to die.
The words keep ringing through my head as I struggle to stay conscious. I'm really going to die here. I tightly close my eyes and grit my teeth in pain and fear; I wait for the darkness to come and take me as its eternal prisoner.
I hear footsteps, and they are quickly becoming louder and closer. Frantic breathing. Someone's warm hands grab me by the shoulders and start shaking me, to a near-violent extent, "Kyuhyun!!! Kyuhyun, are you okay? Can you hear me? God-damn-it, Kyu! Answer me!"
I'm forcefully brought to a sitting position, "Damn it, Kyuhyun! Don't you dare die on me!"
It's difficult, but I manage to open my eyes just enough to show that I'm still responsive. Even though I recognized his voice right away, I'm still surprised to see him. Maybe it's his expression that's so surprising to me. I don't think I've ever seen his eyes looking so panicked and scared. Is he…? Is he crying?
Hyukjae… I mouth his name because I don't have the strength to verbally acknowledge his presence.
"Are…? Are you okay?" he asks softly, even though I think he already knows the answer, or at least suspects it. One arm is wrapped securely around my shoulders and his free hand holding my own cold hand.
So many different possible answers come to my mind, but nothing seems to suffice. I just stare at him, deadpan, watching tears continue to form in the corners of his eyes and stream down his face. I still don't have the energy to speak anyway, and I suddenly start to worry that I might not be able to utter another word before I die. I try to remember the last words I said to him.
He takes my silence as a "no." I think it finally registers in his mind that I'm not going to make it. He loses his composure and sobs; he pulls me into a tight embrace that forces the air out of my lungs and buries his face into my shoulder, "I'm so sorry… I'm sorry I didn't protect you…"
"You can't always be there to save me…" I counter breathlessly. But thankfully it seems like he understood me. And it's as if he's just realized that he's smothering me, because he suddenly loosens his grip and pulls away to look at me again.
"But I can't lose you, Kyuhyun…" he murmurs pathetically, "You can't die…"
My breathing is becoming increasingly hoarse, and since I can't think of anything to say, he continues, "Kyu… I need you…"
My heart skips a beat, and for a few moments, my breathing stops all together. It's silent around us, so all I can hear is his strained breathing.
"Kyuhyun?" he gently checks in with me after a few moments. He tries to stay calm, but I can hear the nervousness in his voice, like he's afraid that I may slip away from him without warning.
"Sorry… It's just that… No one has ever said that to me before…" I admit weakly. My lips form a tight line to keep my emotions in check.
He smiles gently, "I mean it. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way, you know."
I think there was this part of me that was never going to rest peacefully until I heard from someone that they truly needed and wanted me in this world; and I couldn't let go until I truly believed that I had Hyukjae's genuine approval, and not just sympathy out of obligation.
"Thank you…" I murmur.
"You're wel-"
"For everything," I add, cutting him off. My eyes water uncontrollably.
Hyukjae frowns; he can tell I'm wrapping it up because I don't have much time left. But neither of us have the emotional strength to actually say goodbye.
I grip the front of his jacket, around where his heart should be, "I'll always be with you… Okay? All of you...." I mumble.
He nods fervently, "And the same to you," he rasps with a pained smile. His signature gummy smile.
We stare at each other for a moment. There's so much I want to say, and even after how far I've come this past year or so, I still don't know how; I can't seem to speak the three words that have always failed me, but I'm starting to think that he already knows it, and that he also understands that it goes without saying. I can only hope that his feelings are similar.
I can already feel myself fading away, "Hyukjae…" I murmur inaudibly.
With the sudden courage of knowing that I won't be around to see the consequences of this, I tug on his jacket and pull his face down to meet mine. He doesn't resist.
It's easily the happiest moment of my life.
-Serenity
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