My Soul Cries

Every Now And Then- For Companionship

My Soul Screams

Every Now And Then- For Solitude

Conflicting Emotions That Hurt

I’ve Craved This

Until Whenever

Chapter One

Kwon Ji Yong stood self admiringly at center stage.  He could hear the roar of fanatical cries in his ears. In his mind’s eye he could picture the blinding white light. His heart was pounding with triumph, but his mouth had already gone dry- pliant, and hungry. Taking a deep breath, Ji Yong allowed a small shiver of anticipation, an almost forgotten feeling to rush over him the more he allowed his imagination to take over. Then he swallowed thickly.

“Strike down the set!”

“Lights out people, good job!”

Reality always came crashing back. Ji Yong jerked to himself, wondering if anyone had noticed his small moment as he came to realize that he wasn’t on the stage he was picturing. He was in the middle of stage, with multiple models congratulating themselves on a job well done. As soon the lights were completely off, people were scurrying around to get off the stage. Ji Yong discreetly as he could, climbed down from the stage and tried to get away before anyone said anything.

“Good job!”

Too late.

“Thank You for everything, Ji Yong Ssi”

Ji Yong smiled brightly at his coworkers as he made his way down through the throng of models getting dressed and tripping over themselves. Ji Yong felt nothing but relief when the show had come to an end about a half hour ago and people had left, but found it funny how his crew seemed to work faster now that lights were being called off. If only the crew and models showed this kind of enthusiasm throughout the whole show. There were several celebratory screams followed by a large scream of congratulations, laughter, and happiness.

Yeah, job well done.

Ji Yong waited until he got to his office to drop his smile and let out a tired sigh, just as the door closed behind him. He resignedly made his way over to the large window in his office, the only one that overlooked the luminous city of Seoul. For once he wished he could see the stars. The light pollution made it really difficult to do so. But even then his brown eyes locked on the fast moving bright world below him, wishing that he could disappear from it. No, his life wasn’t that bad. It was more the secrets that he hid that weight heavily on his shoulders.

Really, his life was like wow. The things that he had accomplished in his short life all could be summed up to what had gone down this night. Tonight’s fashion show had gone down without a hitch, showing off several of his Heart Breaker clothing. He was happy about that, really, but the loneliness in his chest, and the sadness of his longing always got to him. Despite how the crowd had seemed to love it, or the high reviews that he got, Ji Yong just couldn’t understand what his feelings meant. The feeling wasn’t the same. He had felt this way before. He had been able to ignore it and fill it with other things. Now he wondered if it was perhaps because he was leaving behind what he knew.

Love was a four letter word- no meaning

was no strings attached- just pleasure

And feelings are unnecessary and a waste of time.

You need to be in TOTAL control of any so called “Feelings”.

But hard work and perseverance were everything. Working for yourself, meant everything, and becoming successful was all that mattered. The rewards always came last, but you could always count that they would come. Criticism always came first—people always had to judge you. It was things he didn’t really need or want to think about, but when you were in the fashion line of work, everyone had something to say- whether good or bad-EVERYONE had an opinion. And you couldn’t let no one get to you.

Not to mention that Fashion was in today and out tomorrow, so he had to be quick.  He had another deadline to meet for the new fashion line that was starting out this upcoming fall, just two months, and he already felt like he was running behind on getting the new line of clothes started. It was just another heavy weight on his shoulders that he had to think about, and he felt nothing but pressure.  But everyone was congratulating him on another successful run way show. Everyone was going crazy for his current guineas- The makeup, the clothes, and the presentation had all been praised and even claimed to be without flaw.  

As expected of his work ever since his This Love line dropped and changed the world of fashion forever. His older sister, Dami was the one that grew excited by how people loved him, and his presentation skills. So she encouraged him to do this when he claimed that there was nothing special that he wanted to do with his life- this being after he spent some time in a 2 year college. Ji Yong had never known what he wanted to do and struggled to decide on one thing- but in a way he now had let his sister decide what he should do. He enjoyed it; otherwise he wouldn’t do it at all. It was her dream, and so long as she was happy, he would do anything to help make her dreams come true.

Since then, every model had been handpicked by him. Each one of his models had charisma and that extra little something that the public seemed to eat up. And the clothes were all designed by him and created with the help of his sister.

At the tender age of twenty, Ji Yong had already reached a high in the spotlight of fame, where he was deemed untouchable. But at the end of the day, Ji Yong wasn’t sure if he wanted to be in that pedestal, under that bright light- admired or untouchable. It made him feel like he was just for show, and nothing more.

Ji Yong was about to sink himself into his office chair when there was a knock at his door. Breathing carefully in and out, and composing himself once more he carefully moved to open the door, an automatic smile quick on his lips.  

“Ji Yong-ah!” A girl his same age, by the name of Lee Chaerin greeted him on the other side, with a grin on her pretty face. She was one of his most beautiful, and successful models, with fiery attitude. She was also one of his favorite models. Ji Yong raised an eyebrow at her as she seemed to stumble on her excessively high heels, looking a bit embarrassed for having done so. Recently, she had dyed her hair a dirty blond, making her looks stand out that much more.  Something Ji Yong appreciated solely because it gave him more creative freedom to design his clothes with. But her nails still looked like claws and he couldn’t figure why she wouldn’t give them up.

“Can I help you with something Chaerin?” Ji Yong gently asked, smiling at her. 

“Are you going to be heading out soon?” she asked, trying to dim down her smile and seem a bit more serious, “Since I was hoping we could go out and maybe have some dinner together…as friends of course!” It was well known that Ji Yong was not looking for a relationship, but many like Chaerin still hoped to get to be around him, and give one of them a chance. One thing Ji Yong didn’t have was many friends, and Dami believed that if Ji Yong already liked Chaerin, why not push them together. That is why Chaerin was here now, while Dami encouraged her from the wings. But he knew.

Ji Yong shook his head, “I still have a few things to do around here. I can’t” he said, rubbing the back of his neck and shrugging his shoulders, “Sorry,” he looked at her apologetically.

Chaerin had to keep her face from falling in disappointment, and forced a smile instead. “Oh okay, I see. Well I’ll be going now. Good luck with the rest of your work” she bowed to him respectfully and then waved as she ran off down the hall. Ji Yong watched her go feeling guilty, because he was sure that he had hurt her feelings.

And that was his weakness talking once again, he realized.

He shouldn’t let feelings like that get in the way.

Speaking of feelings, Ji Yong glanced back at his dark, practically empty office before stepping out once more. Softly closing the door behind him, he slowly made his way to the one office he had promised himself he would never walk into. There were several reasons now why he couldn’t and wouldn’t. He couldn’t even consider himself the best friend of the one man that he had loved, and hurt the most. So he carefully neared the door, his lips as he noticed that the door was slightly ajar, with bright light spilling out to the dimmed hall way. The hall was now empty, and things were a bit more silent. Ji Yong was about to knock the door, when he heard a funny infectious laugh echo from inside.

Looking up, he dared to peek inside.

Dong Young Bae, his best friend, his ex lover, a huge part of his life, was right there smiling in a way that he thought he was never going to see again. The surprise was though, whom Young Bae was sharing that smile with, his youngest model, Lee Seungri. The boy kept giggling in such a cute way that caused Young Bae to look at him softly.

Ji Yong stood there frozen, trying to make out what their little whispers and laugh were about, but he couldn’t understand anything. Instead it felt like he was watching something he had no right to see. He took a step back, shaking his head as he tried to keep himself from crying again.

It had been two years after all.

There was nothing wrong with moving on.

At least they had sort of stayed friends. Young Bae still sort of followed him around and remained by his side because of their shared history. But there was nothing wrong with finding new love. Running a hand through his pale pink hair he walked back to his office, and snatched his bag and keys before he quickly left.

His door slammed harshly as he made his way outside.

Now usually, he would be frustrated after such a long day of work. He would actually be looking forward to making it in time to the Love Club, his club that was for now being managed by his good friend, Choi Dong Wook. And whenever he thought about it, it made him feel melancholy- because he had broken so many promises. So he rather not remember it. This was the reason why he threw himself into his work, doing something normal, and continued on even when everyone called goodbye to him and the room around him started to get emptier and emptier.

It was just a reflection of his life-Of the pain and guilt that he felt.

But not everything was as bleak as he made it seem. He owned a two story home, and a stunning silver car, and it drove him far in no time. Curving his lips into a smile, he sped through the streets of Seoul. It wasn’t long before he was parking in a public parking space, charming the valet so they wouldn’t ask him to park it for him. Before long, he was making his way to the beloved Love Club. He had money, he had his sister, both his parents were well of health, but it was his secrets that somehow outweigh all the good things. The biggest secret of all being The Love Club-when he got there the music was blasting hard on his speakers, and he had only one thing in mind.

That was to get an alcoholic drink running through his system.

His club had booming music all night long, starting from seven in the evening to four in the morning. He could feel the rhythm and bass crashing through his muscles and bones.  The long mahogany and marble, welcoming bar itself was manned by one of his still close friend, Hyun Seung. The man himself was meek, but he had a devilish side to him- and what a wicked side that was. Too bad no one else would know anything about it.

The man’s face was dull, and full of boredom, that when he saw the pink hair of Ji Yong’s head his eyes immediately sparked with life. Ji Yong nearly laughed at that, but his eyes were tracing the beautiful lines of the large stage that was being used to dance on by ravenous couples.

“Hey there, Mister G-dragon, what brings you here?” Hyun Seung asked, batting his eyelashes with those large awkward eyes of his. Because the music was so loud it was practically blasting the ear drums, both of them had to move close enough to hear each other.

Ji Yong grinned, before pushing Hyun Seung’s head back, “Please, I haven’t been called that in years, just get me a drink!”

“So no hopes of you bringing back the heart of Love Club at all” Hyun Seung asked, his eyes going wide and pleading.  

“You know that I can’t” Ji Yong hissed, his eyes narrowing at the man before him. This was the first time in a while since he had even brought this issue up. Hyun Seung rolled his eyes and went to get Ji Yong something to drink.

“You have no idea how boring life has become,”

“I’m not stopping you from going to a different club,” Ji Yong made a suggesting face.

Now Hyun Seung squirmed in pure discomfort, as he handed Ji Yong his drink, “you know better than anyone that when it comes to—that—I only liked it from one person.”

“Which is a wonder that you were even a pet,” Ji Yong said, taking a drink, “You know that she hates me, after what happened to Young Bae,”

“Besides,” Hyun Seung passed Ji Yong a small card then, changing the subject. The pink haired male looked at him confused as he read the front of the card, but Hyun Seung could already guess what Ji Yong was going to ask.  “Dong Wook is in the back if you want to talk to him about it. Young Bae being the one person that you signed as your club partner, is betting Love Club,” Hyun Seung lowered his voice now, “Dong Wook can’t do anything Ji Yong, the club has been betted in the club games, under an owner name. He can’t pull out the bet. It’s too late”

“Young Bae wouldn’t have…why?” Ji Yong said, his voice sounding almost breathless as he looked at the blank card. At first, it was deceiving to think that it was just blank. But then the black beam lights hit it, and a single name sparkled over it.

Red Sunset

“Psy,” Hyung Seung said, and Ji Yong flinched a little at hearing that name, anger boiling deep within him. “He’s going to be entering the competition. And you know how much he would love to get his hands on your club.  Young Bae clearly knows as well.”

Ji Yong flicked the card around, and looked it over once more. Ji Yong let out a small dry laugh, “I should have figured,” The pink haired man dropped his head on the cool table top, trying to think things over. What a mess and he had known nothing about it. Why would Young Bae do this! Well, there was no real question as to why he would- Ji Yong already knew too well.

Hyun Seung watched him for a moment, before he tapped Ji Yong’s shoulder. “You can only get into that club if you are invited by someone,” he pointed to the blank card “and Dong Wook can get us in. It won’t be easy, but I bet you can regain your position easily and you can beat Psy at his own game,”

“Willing someone can actually help me,” Ji Yong pursed his lips. Hyun Seung sighed. Looking concerned, the pink haired man drowned his drink and stood up, “I’ll go talk to Dong Wook,”

Two years ago, he had lost to Psy, and when he means lost he means big time. It was all sacrifices under a knife, and bloody ing lust. But even now, he wondered if it was even worth it. Young Bae hated him- he was never going to forgive him for what had happened. And it was his entire fault. He had failed as a Master.

Several times now Young Bae had begged him to get out of this life. And he had. Ji Yong really had. He had gotten out of the club business, out of the underground competitions- and had tried to live a normal life. There was never good news when it came to a life where was your Job and it made you a huge living by the sheer amount people were willing to pay just to watch you have on stage.

Admittedly, being in the spotlight, in that position was thrilling.

Every now and then, Ji Yong craved it. But he had restrained himself. He had even given up the one club he had inherited from his first past master, Teddy, when the man had died. The death was called an accident, but Ji Yong knew better. He had been killed, he just knew it. But the club was still his; he was still making money from it- except now Dong Wook helped him run the club. Dong Wook had been best friends with Teddy, and he was the only one Ji Yong could trust in running and taking care of the club. But the problem still stood, Ji Yong had broken the rules.

He had fallen in love with his pet.

That was the most stupid thing in the whole world. Because this world was all about humiliation and - it was about who can get the most reaction out of a crowd of people that would be watching, judging- not caring of the people on stage. It was like watching animals in a circus and people were addicted.

Ji Yong was addicted.

Damned club had ruined his chances of ever experiencing a normal life! Grumbling to himself about how pointless it was to pit his problems on something meaningless, he made his way to the back office, where he was sure to find Dong Wook. Knocking once, he waited for the door to open.

It didn’t take long before Dong Wook opened the door and looked at him. “Did Hyun Seung tell you?” he asked as he allowed Ji Yong to enter. Ji Yong nodded his head.

“So it’s true,” he whispered.

“It’s true; Young Bae signed his name, and bet our club. It got inspected today, and it passed. Even though Love Club has not competed in two years now, people seem excited for its comeback into the underground world of ,”

“How could Young Bae do this!” Ji Yong demanded.

“The same way that you named him your equal partner in the club,” Dong Wook threw several papers at Ji Yong, “That’s how! How come you never changed it? If Teddy was here,”

“Well you Dong Wook he isn’t!” Ji Yong snapped.

“Look, shut up Ji Yong. I arranged for you to get a Master at Red Sunset, so you can enter the competition legally and win,”

“Who the hell will take me on as a pet after my tarnished reputation?” Ji Yong slammed his hand on the desk, throwing the papers away from him as he tried to think. “Oh God, Teddy, you’re dead and I just lost the club you entrusted to me. Psy, the one person you detested might end up owning it now!”

“Shut up Ji Yong! Think! In a way this is our chance,” Dong Wook said, “We know Psy killed Hong Jun, this is our chance to right this wrong and prove it.”

“By betting the club!” Ji Yong snapped.

“Look, man up and get to working once more. You know I can lead it if you want me to, but sooner or later you are going to have to repair your reputation,” Dong Wook hissed, “You and I both know that once you’ve been brought into this life, you can never leave it behind,”

“What about Young Bae? He sure as hell seems to be able to leave it behind just well,”

“He got his fingers burned and grew up,”

“Maybe I want to grow up as well,”

“Ji Yong,”

Ji Yong stood up, “Dong Wook, I promised that I would leave this world behind!”

“So you are going to just give up?”

Ji Yong shook. The decision was entirely his. It was all in his hands and all his workers were now looking to him to decide. He knew that he had many of their sympathy, but some hated him. He had ended his own reputation on his own.

For once in his life, he didn’t know what to do.

Enlisting even the help from someone outside his club might backfire on him…

“God, Dong Wook, who would agree to take on someone like me?” he asked in a voice that sounded just his age. Everyone could often forget that Ji Yong was only twenty years old with the way that he always acted so much older.

“Unless you have someone else in mind, I was thinking…”

Ji Yong’s face went bright red at Dong Wook’s suggestion.  

Dong Young Bae was walking into his shared house with Ji Yong, and was not surprised to find the pink haired man sitting in the dark living room with tears in his eyes. It was all the proof that he needed that Ji Yong still held tightly to the Love Club. This was the reason he had stayed away late today, and that was because he wanted to avoid the water works. There was no way that he wanted to comfort Ji Yong. He glanced at him once, and then turned around to walk to his room- having nothing to say.

“How could you,” Ji Yong’s voice cracked through the silence.

Young Bae wanted to keep quiet, but he couldn’t. “I wanted to prove a point,”

Ji Yong angrily bared his teeth, but it was so dark, and he remained curled around the ridiculously fluffy couch pillow, “And what was that, if I might ask. Judging by your tone of voice, I failed didn’t I?”

Young Bae nodded his head. “I asked you to leave the club life many times,”

“I did!” Ji Yong snapped, throwing the pillow away from himself and getting to his feet.

Young Bae turned around to look at him through the dim light of the moon that was coming into the living room, “No you didn’t. Or you wouldn’t still be the owner of the club. So I bet it- oh and I resign as owner now that it has been picked up in the competition.”

“How could you!” Ji Yong said once more, his anger threatening to come out completely “You know the reason that I didn’t give up the club was because it was Teddy-hyung’s number one possession. How could I give away the one thing that he left to me after his death?”

“Is it that Ji Yong?” Young Bae snapped, “Or is it because in reality, Teddy is the one that you were always really in love with!”

“What are you talking about?” Ji Yong asked, now completely confused.

“Look at you. You don’t even call him by his real name, Hong Jun brought you into the life of the club at the age of sixteen, but even as you became my master, it was always him whom you turned to in your times of needs, when you were feeling down, or felt confused, everything,” Young Bae shook his head, “You’ve never searched for comfort in me,”

“He brought you into this world too. He was my teacher! He became like a brother to me. He was older and I thought he knew everything!”

“No, you were in love with him, and I bet that you still are. There was no way that you could have ever viewed your master as a brother,” Young Bae hissed, “You’ve never loved me and I had to stop  deceiving myself that after all this time things were going to be fine. It’s been two years now Ji Yong. I’m ready to move on,”

 “Move on with Seungri?” Ji Yong spat.

Young Bae’s eyes widened a bit, before he narrowed them. “What is it to you?”

“What do you see me as Young Bae? Heartless or something! You know that I loved you,”

“Yes, loved,” Young Bae sighed, and Ji Yong’s eyes widened in realization. “I know that you are not heartless Ji Yong, I know better than anyone, but you don’t love me anymore- if you ever did at all.”

Only right there did Ji Yong realized what his words had meant. He was no longer in love with Young Bae. His feelings for Young Bae had faded a long time back. But he also knew that Young Bae was wrong. His feelings had been nothing but lust and plutonic towards Teddy. But one thing was for sure, he was still addicted to the club. Ji Yong nodded his head, and sat back down in the couch.

“Whatever, I guess. But why bet the club” He turned pleading eyes to Young Bae, “help me keep it, please.”

“I’m sorry Ji Yong, I would help you, but I promised myself that I would never allow myself to be placed in that kind of situation again. I can’t, I’m sorry… and you know what? Being with Seungri feels normal, something that I had lost when I got into the club life. Being Normal feels good to me Ji Yong and I think you will like it too if you gave it a chance,”

Ji Yong shrugged his shoulder, looking away now.

Young Bae wanted so badly to walk over to him, and for once comfort Ji Yong even if now all they were was friends. He still had a special place in his heart for Ji Yong, even if the pink haired man didn’t. But as he took a step forward and watched Ji Yong break down once more, he couldn’t bring himself to comfort him.

Because he had been the one to cause the pain- and he wasn’t really sorry.

He just hoped that this helped Ji Yong let go of the club.

It had to.

I decided to finally just open this up to you guys. Even though I haven't gotten far with the story at all, I have a plot line now..^^ Hope you enjoy the first chapter.