To you,

I do not know when you will read this and I hope that you will, soon. I hope that you know who it is for and everything we once were, you remember with a smile on your face.

-

To say that Kim Jongdae hated hospitals wasn't far from the truth. The Seoul native had visited the same hospital one too many times in the past week. Each time he stepped foot into the cold place, his nose would turn upward and his eyes would roll. He hated the place with the passion but he had a reason to be there.

His reason?

The headache's he was having.

The pain in his chest which left him panting heavily and screaming in pain.

The unknown tears which would fall so carelessly down his cheeks. 

The way he could no longer breathe without choking down a sob.

The way his body was acting.

Okay it wasn't just one reason but five reasons why and he has no answers to the reasons. He said that it just happened one day. He felt like his body was on fire then and tears were streaming down his face.

He doesn't remember that day very much. All he could remember was his screams to make the pain stop and the date, January 13th, 2016.

He gave Sehun a scare that day which cause the younger male to stick around Jongdae to make sure that nothing happen to him again. But of course, things did happen.

It was two weeks later when Jongdae started to feel random tears rolling down his cheek and a bubble in his chest as he was driving down an alleyway. He gripped the steering wheel harshly turning his knuckles white as more pain started to seer through his body. Small beads of sweat started to roll down his face as he almost ran into the divider. He stopped his car but still gripped the wheel tightly; his eyes squeezed shut with a single tear rolling down his face mixing in with the sweat.

Jongdae screamed out so loudly that a banshee would be jealous.

Once Jongdae open his eyes, he could still feel the small lingering pain which was still coursing through his body. With a hand over his heart clawing at the fabric and his breath hard, he made a face of confusion. These attacks that he had been having were always in the most random times of the day and he hated them. There was just too much pain for Jongdae to deal with.

That certain attack led him to the doctors and the five reasons for being there. It had upsetted him when the doctor had told him that there was nothing wrong with his body but they were going to do a few more tests.

“Hyung.” Sehun called out and Jongdae frowned. “You’re going to be alright?”

With a wave of his hand, Jongdae shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know Sehunnie. You tell me. I can’t handle random bursts of pain like the ones I’m having. The doctor didn’t help and told me that my body was fine. There’s something wrong with my body, Sehun. I know there is. It’s my body, how can I not know if there’s something wrong with it.”

Sehun sighed and clicked his tongue leaning against the table inside of the doctor’s office. They had been in the same for hours, waiting for a final report from his doctor. Truth be told, Jongdae was scared to know if there was nothing wrong with him. If that was true then what was happening to his body? Why did he fell so broken, so left behind?

“But you’re going to be okay, right? Kim Jongdae is always going to be okay.”

Jongdae forced a smile on his lips before his hand started to turn into a fist. He closed his eyes and willed the pain not to begin again but of course it didn’t happen. This time, Jongdae’s legs felt like jelly as he slumped to the floor startling Sehun. The younger called his name but Jongdae’s head was too far in pain. He held his head and started to whimper trying not to drag attention to the outside ears. As the pain intensified so did his whimpers.

It broke Sehun’s heart to see his best friend like this and he hated how he could not do anything to help the older male. He watched as Jongdae almost screamed out before tearing his eyes away and running out of the room to call for the doctor. He ignored the look in Jongdae’s eyes when he ran past his friend.

“Someone help!” he screamed. “Someone help!”

The moment that he heard feet running against the ground, Sehun ran back into the room to see a still wincing Jongdae. He reached out to touch the older boy only to be shocked away. Staring at his hand, Sehun frowned and reached out again only to have the same thing happen to him again. He made a face as Jongdae screamed out again and the door slammed open.

“This is one of his episodes.” Sehun cried. “Please make them stop.”

Jongdae screamed out in pain once again and Sehun almost broke down in tears. If anything, he hated to see his best friend like this. He hated it oh so much.

-

I wish you were here, next to me, singing the songs that I fell in love with. Making the jokes I’m too late to hear. Watch the shows which made of us cry. Laughing at the idiotic things coming from your mouth. Sitting next to me while I cry and wail about missing my home, my life and my family.

But now, I cannot do those things.

Not without you by my side.

-

When Jongdae woke up, he saw nothing but green and brown and a boy. He stared at the boy for a second before speaking.

“Who are you?”

The boy looked up, smiling brightly but something was off. Jongdae could tell and he didn’t know how. Maybe it was the way that the boy smiled at him or maybe it was because of the way his eyes looked.

“I am no one.”

“You must be someone. Everyone has a name.”

The boy paused and shook his head, forcing another smile on his lips.

“But I do not.”

Jongdae narrowed his eyes. “You have a funny accent.”

The boy giggled, his eyes wrinkling in the corner. “I’ve been told.”

The historian huffed. “Where are you from?”

“Goryeo.”

“Sure you are.”

“But I am, my dear.”

Jongdae felt a shudder run down his spine when the boy said those words.

“But enough talking, you have to wake up Jongdae.”

“Not until you tell me who you are.” The said boy spoke, ignoring how the other said his name.

“Jongdae please.” The boy pleaded. “Sehunnie is worried about you.”

“Who are you?”

“I have to go now, Jongdae. I’m sorry.”

The boy’s image started to faded and Jongdae screamed. “No! Don’t leave me!”

“I’m sorry, Dae. I’m so sorry.”

-

Instead, I cry myself to sleep wishing that you are here with me, holding me like a babe. I miss hearing your laugh, your strange noises, your warmth, your smile.

Must I go on?

I miss you and it hasn’t been that long.

Two days since I last saw you but I won’t see you again.

Oh how I wish that I could.

But I can’t.

Time is a cruel thing and he knows it.

-

When Jongdae woke up screaming, Sehun ran to his side screaming back. If anything, Sehun hated how his best friend would always wake up screaming. It was a recurring thing and he hated it.

“Jongdae!” he yelled as the said boy stopped screaming. “What happened?”

The oldest shook his head and covered his tear stained face. “I don’t know, Sehunnie. I don’t know. I don’t remember.” He sobbed. “Why can’t I remember?”

Sehun didn’t say anything as he wrapped his arms around the other. He rubbed his back, soothing the older as he sobbed, mumbling about how he couldn’t remember why he was screaming.

It didn’t take long for Jongdae to calm down and to finally ask where he was. The white room he was sitting in, was blinding him because of the cleanliness of the room. He gripped the bed sheets and trained his eyes downward.

“I’m going to get you out of here hyung. I know how much you hate these places?”

“Then why did you bring me here in the first place?” Jongdae snapped. “If you knew so much.”

Sehun sighed. “Because I was worried. I was worried about you when you started having these episodes.” He paused and looked at his friend straight in the eye. “People are going to think that you are insane, Jongdae hyung and I don’t want that for you. I really don’t. I want you to be happy like you used to be when we were kids or when we first started our jobs together.”

With that being said, Sehun walked out of the room leaving Jongdae to his thoughts as he fiddled with the thin sheet over his stomach.

“I want to be happy too, Sehunnie.”

-

Instead I want to be selfish. I want you to always remember who I am. My name, my story, my people that I have told you about, my master who I willing serve. My everything. I want you to always keep me in your heart and not let anyone else in. I don’t want anyone else having your heart.

-

It was a little later when Jongdae was able to leave the hospital and go home that he remembered his dream. He remembered the face of the boy who had no name. The bright pink flowers, blooming ever so wonderfully. The smile on the other’s face he had on but most of all how the other knew what his name was. That though alone made Jongdae stop walking.

“He knew my name.” he whispered out loud. “How?”

Thinking it over again, Jongdae shrugged his shoulders and roamed around his apartment until he remembered his assignment. He was to present a letter to the archaeologists of the local university. He had a copy of the letter in his possession but he had to remember where he had put the damned thing.

-

I want you to love only me and no one else.

I just want you here by my side, where we can entangle our bodies to become one; where I can listen to the sound of your heartbeat; where I know you are.

-

Jongdae wanted to flip a table. He still had no idea where the letter was and his talk was in two hours. Since he had gotten back from the hospital days ago, he was still unable to find the damned piece of paper. He looked everywhere and tore his apartment apart but to no avail was the paper anywhere.

With an angry huff, Jongdae decided that it didn’t matter anymore. He would just find the letter elsewhere and read it to them, then. With a heavy head, he moved silently to his couch where he slumped into the cozy seats and glared into space. He was still upset about the letter and would do anything just to find it.

Jongdae sighed and threw his head back against the plush cushions with a frown on his face.

“Hyung?” Sehun’s voice called out causing the older man to jump about twenty feet in the air and turn around with wide eyes.

“When did you get in?”

Sehun laughed. “Like two minutes ago. What are you looking for?”

Jongdae took a deep breath, glaring at his best friend and pointing to the table were papers were scattered across. “The letter for the lecture today.”

“Oh? I didn’t know that you were going to be looking for that. You left it in my car.”

It was silent for a second before Jongdae yelled and almost shot across his couch to where his best friend was standing.

“YOU COULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING WHEN YOU DROPPED ME OFF!”

“I thought you knew.” Sehun defended, rolling his eyes. “I really did.”

Jongdae seethed for a second before shaking his head and walking away from the younger mumbling something about wanting to kill a younger friend his knew. Sehun just crossed his arms.

“We have to go hyung. You know that they don’t like to be kept waiting.”

“I’m coming!” Jongdae shouted angrily from his room.

“Hurry up!”

“I’m coming, Oh Sehun!”

-

If only I had known, I would hold you every day, whispering sweet nothing into your ear; I would tell you that you were the best thing to ever happen to me but most of all, I would tell that with every breath I took that I loved you.

-

“Do you remember the two names?” Sehun asked, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel and his eyes glancing to the side where Jongdae sat with his eyes closed.

“Lu Han and Kim Minseok.”

“What were they?”

“Friends, I believe but I’m not sure. The records say that Minseok was a servant within the Lu household.”

“And what are you reading?”

“Kim Minseok’s letter.”

“What am I reading?”

“Lu Han’s letter.”

Silence overtook the best friends as the younger one drove. Jongdae was too busy thinking of how he was going to present his information while Sehun was just worried. He was worried that something was going to happen and he wasn’t going to like it one bit.

“Hyung,” Sehun started. “How do you feel?”

Jongdae opened his eyes and turned his head. “Fine.” He said taking a deep breath. “Sehunnie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

Sehun smiled slightly. “I know.”

“I was tired and stressed and the dream wasn’t helping.”

The younger’s eyebrows shot up. “You remembered, didn’t you?”

“The dream, yes.” The historian said turning his head back to watch as the road passed underneath the car.

“Care to share?”

“There was a boy who didn’t have a name. He knew my name and yours. He called you Sehunnie.”

Sehun furrowed his brows. “What did he look like?”

“Pale skin as snow, chocolate eyes that seemed endless, a smile that was breathtaking, clothes looking like they were from long ago and a voice that belonged elsewhere. He had an accent that I couldn’t put my finger on plus he said that he was from the Goryeo era.”

Sehun was silent.

“But the funny thing is, I felt like I knew him. Like I had some type of conention with him. It was strange Sehunnie. So strange.”

“Hyung we’re here.”

Jongdae’s eyes widen as he stared at the building in front of him. The pale stone gleamed light in the sunlight, students were moving quickly from class to class as others were just walking and enjoying the view.

“Since when?”

“You talk a lot hyung.” Sehun snorted. “Like a lot.”

“Oh shut up.”

-

I still do love you.

Oh so much.

And yet you’re so far. So far from I and we shall not meet again.

My darling, please always remember me. I beg of you.

-

“You can do this hyung!” Sehun said putting his fist up in the fighting pose.

Jongdae mimicked him and flashed a shaky smile.

“Are you sure that you’re feeling alright?”

“Better actually. Thanks for worrying.”

Sehun smiled brightly. “That’s what I do hyung. Now I’m going to be beside you, are you ready?”

With a nod Jongdae walked out, receiving applause from the people watching.

“Thank you for coming out. My name is Kim Jongdae and I have a story to tell you.” He started.

“And I’m Oh Sehun.” Sehun said from behind him. “I hope that each and every one of you is doing well. Before we start this discussion, I would like to point out that everything we are saying is brand new information that is just coming out. We don’t know the right or wrong answers to anything.” Sehun paused. “Jongdae?”

-

I have one more thing before I part. Your final words for me, I hear them every day and I wish that I could have responded. I shall now do so.

-

It was when Jongdae read the letter out loud, did his emotions hit him once again. He had stopped the first time and took a deep breath, trying to calm down them down.

“I’m sorry.” He said, looking to his best friend. Sehun in a breath and motioned for Jongdae to keep going. “If you don’t mind,” the historian said. “I’m going to start again. It’s only fair that I do.”

Silence answered him as he looked into the crowd before looking down. Clearing his throat one more time, Jongdae started again. “This is a letter from one of the servants in the Lu household. The servant’s name was Kim Minseok and we believe that the letter was to Minseok’s first and only love.” Jongdae said looking around the room, making eye contact to each of the others.

“With each word he wrote, it is very clear that he was completely and helplessly in love with the unknown person in the letter. It is unknown if Minseok was able to meet his love and I believe that he did not.

“This letter was found with another. The head of the household, Lu Han, had also written a lost love letter. Although the letter is like Minseok’s, without a name of the woman, he wrote differently. His letter tells his lover to forget him and to move on while Minseok’s tells his lover not to forget him and to always be thinking about him. It’s a selfish request and surely something that had brought pain to the lost love. “

Jongdae stopped and smiled to the people listening to him. He liked the way that everyone’s attention was on him. It made him feel like he was doing his job right. He cleared his throat once more before starting again.

“I will now read Kim Minseok’s letter before Lu Han’s letter is read.”

With each word he spoke, something felt different, odd even but he kept reading. He read Minseok’s letter like it was written to him. He didn’t smile nor did he look up to gaze at the crowd, his eyes were too focused on paying attention to each word being written on the page in front of him.

The Historian looked up and smiled at everyone with a nod of his head when he was finished. His eyes looked to Sehun who was looking at Jongdae funny. The younger male walked over to his friend, reaching out to wipe something off the elder’s face.

“Why are you crying?” he asked and Jongdae sighed at the words.

“I don’t know Sehun. I really don’t.”

Sehun wiped another tear from Jongdae’s eye and shook his head. “Do you want me to read Lu Han’s letter, now?”

Jongdae shook his head and waved his hand. “You don’t have to do it. I’ll keep my emotions in check.”

“You better.” The younger boy said before he moved back to his position before.

Jongdae cleared his throat for a third time and looked to the letter in his hands. He scanned the letter again before he froze. There was something in the back of his nagging mind, telling him that the letter meant more than he thought it did. But he chose to ignore the feeling as he looked to the letter. 

It was twenty seconds later that reality deiced to hit him in the face like a ton of bricks. 

Memories of Minseok started to form. Memories of Minseok’s smile, his laugh, his hugs, everything came at the younger boy. 

Jongdae's legs felt like jelly as he slowly lost feeling in them and sunk to the floor. His eyes were wide and his face was pale as he ran his fingers over the letter in his hands.

Finally, everything that he was going through made sense. The pain he was feeling was the fault of the wizard. That black haired male had told the two of them that they would always be connected. The pain that Minseok felt, Jongdae would also feel. The moment that Minseok died, Jongdae would feel it. At that moment, Jongdae felt like his heart was breaking into two pieces. He clutched the letter tightly in his hands, closing his eyes trying not to let the tears fall out. It didn’t work. Instead his tears, his emotions, came harder than ever as he held his letter tighter in his hands. It didn’t take long for violent sobs to rake his body like never before. He sobbed and mumbled Minseok’s name like a broken disk. 

The people in the room looked at the sobbing boy like he had grown a third eye and another arm. Sehun slowly walked over to his friend and tried to make him stop.

It was five seconds later that Sehun remembered Minseok and the head of the house, Lu Han. 

Oh Sehun held his own tears and screams. 

Ushering the other people out of the room, Sehun told them that it was going to be a while before they could come back. He told them the letter must have triggered a family death that happened a while ago and that he was close to the person.

The others believed him. 

When the sobbing boy’s friend came back, he held Jongdae and rocked him whispering that everything was going to be okay. It took no longer than seven seconds for Sehun to feel something wet roll down his cheeks. He cursed the wizard that brought Minseok and Lu Han to their time. He hated the wizard with every part of his being.

“Lu Han.” Sehun spoke before shaking his head to finish consoling his best friend. 

-

Once time is still and time forgets, then I will stop loving you. Until then, please do not break my heart. You have it until the very end.

-

As much as I hate to say, Jongdae felt like a broken shell which sadly led to his untimely death. I wonder how Minseok and Jongdae are doing now.

As for Luhan and Sehun? 

Well that’s another story that I must leave for another time. 

You must be wondering who I am since everything switched to first person. I’ll tell you this, I’ve been telling this story the entire time. 

Who am I? 

My name is Huang Zitao and I’m the wizard who caused pain to these four.

Do I regret it?

Every day.

Can I change the past?

I can’t.

---

miki says: i actually started to cry in the middle of writing this. there were tears pouring out of my eyes by the bucket load, its insane. anywho, that's the end of this story. if you're confused or need a clarification of something, i'm all ears and if not, then thanks for reading this! oh! this is by the way, decicated to my lovely wife (no i'm not acutally married) because we enjoy talking about sad stories. I made her read absoulte chanyeol and anterograde tomorrow. aren't i the best? :D

oh, i dunno if i made it clear but there are two fonts, so your eyes are not going crazy. the itlazed font is minsoke's letter to jongdae and the ending with tao is the same font. he is the one telling the story after all. and the boy in the dream was indeed minseok. i just didn't want to give away his name.

okay, that's all! bye :D