Dear Diary,

This is my first entry of the year. I’m sorry for neglecting you, but life has been… crazy these days. Don’t ask about that guy, because we broke up. He stopped loving me. Period.

I hate him. It’s as simple as that, but why does it still hurt when I see him?

So uh… Hey.

I’m not going to call this a diary, because that doesn’t seem very manly. Hyung said writing would help, so here I am.

I used to think falling in love was the best thing ever, but I’m reconsidering. I’m not good at expressing myself, but I hope you understand, because she can’t understand me.

I really loved her. I still do. But I guess she got sick of me.

Diary, I’m back again.

It hurts. It really hurts. How in the world do you heal yourself? It feels like someone ripped something out of me, and then expects me to heal myself. How do you do that? My heart was torn out, and now it’s just a hole there.

It’s my own fault, actually. I cut it out myself then presented it to him. He treated it as a toy. Maybe it still is one to him, and maybe all it was to me was a pump to keep myself alive.

Sometimes I wish we’d never gotten together. Maybe it’ll save me this… stabbing pain because I feel like I’m dying.

Hyung says that love is a wonderful thing. Well it is, when you’re in love. Only then, is it a wonderful thing. Now? I’m not so sure anymore.

I don’t understand. Why did she turn my apology down? Why did she begin to apologize, when nothing was her fault? She did nothing wrong. Falling out of love wasn’t her fault either. Letting her do so was my fault.

Dear Diary,

I thought today would be a great day. That is, until I met him in the hallways. How could I have not noticed him? So I did the best thing I could. I kissed Tao smack on the lips.

Then I waved, smiling.

I had to do that. I have to prove to him that I’m not a helpless little girl, waiting for him to mend me. He won’t bother to. Did I tell you about how we broke up? Maybe I’ll tell you soon… or rather, ‘next time’.

She made out with him in front of everyone. But I managed to look indifferent, because that’s what I’m best at.

She waved and smiled, and something just gnawed at my chest. I don’t understand how she can just forget about our love so easily. But I’m not going to tell her what I’m feeling—why should I?

It hurt. It kind of felt like someone was carving out words there. Who knows? Maybe those words were our names… or at least hers.

Diary Dairy,

Today was horrible. I couldn’t sleep last night, so I was nodding off in class and guess what? I got called to stand outside. Which, I suppose, isn’t very important as of now.

What’s more important, then, you may ask. Him. I saw him. I did the next best thing I could do. I snuck between the stacked lockers and prayed hard he didn’t see me. I think he did though, however pretended not to.

I saw her again today. I used to think being in different classes was bad, but now I think it is a good thing. I don’t have to stare at her from the corner of my eye throughout class. Even now, I spot her so easily in that sea of black hair without meaning to.

The moment she saw me, she froze and crouched down, possibly thinking I wouldn’t see her that way. Most likely, she got called out of class again.

When the few girls blocking my line of sight moved away, she was no longer there. And I knew exactly where she was. How could I not, when she used to hide between lockers every single time we played hide and seek in school?

His dad was against us being together. He probably still is, but I’m not staying around to check. Have I told you this before?

Oh wait, Dear Diary. I forgot.

Anyway, his dad apparently believes that females who can think for them themselves are the worst in the world. He apparently believes that no relationship could bear two people of different status, because his obviously failed.

Which is absurd! I believe that things can work out, if both sides are willing to put in their all. But maybe he was right.

I dread seeing him. When I walk in the hallways, I end up hiding somewhere when I see his head bobbing above the crowd. He’s tall. I was attracted by his looks, especially since it’s difficult to find a tall guy these days, but what made me stay was how fake he was. This sounds ridiculous, but I’m serious.

I fell for the mask he kept up, and the phantom behind it.

Obviously I didn’t know him well enough, because we ended up walking our separate ways. I hate this.

I saw him in the cafeteria today, and he looked… as emotionless as ever. He now had a girlfriend he dared to bring around. They were touchy, and that’s all I’m going to say. I don’t like thinking about it and I know I’m not supposed to think about it this way, but that spot belonged to me. It probably no longer does. Back to what I was talking about, our relationship was kept in the dark. He didn’t want to tell anybody, so I zipped my mouth shut too.

Maybe he was embarrassed to have a girlfriend like me. Or maybe, the entire time, he wasn’t interested in me.

Jessica disgusts me. I mean she is pretty, but overly skinny. She’s made up of over 200 sticks, and a Barbie face. And guess what? She’s my fiancée, and my father arranged everything. Call him a preposterous bastard all you want, because I happen to share the same sentiments.

But he’s my father. The last thing I could do is to let him down.

Sora has a boyfriend now, Tao. Just thinking about him makes my hand itch. And I have a girlfriend. Yet I yearn for her touch.

I’m being farcical, aren’t I? I put up a farce in school, another one at home, and slowly these lies spin into a huge web.

Until now, I still can’t decide. Was ending our relationship the worst possible choice of my life, or was starting it the worst?

He’s probably happy without me. I mean… she’s beautiful. She’s like a model, and I know what people are saying. ‘They’re perfect together.’

Maybe they are.

I don’t understand. Was it me being presumptuous, thinking Kris loved me? Or is it just my personality that destroyed everything, and caused it all to crumble?

Just what went wrong between us?