The same stupid fear
Crazy, Stupid, Love
"The first time I saw you, I thought you were the loneliest person alive. I thought, 'I really need to befriend this guy!' He's got nobody around him."
"I remember that. You wouldn't stop following me until I finally gave up and let you say your piece."
"Yeah! Those were the days, huh?"
"Why are you bringing up old stuff, Hara? These days are pretty good too."
"Mm…I guess so."
"So, what's that important thing you wanted to talk about?"
Seungri carefully looked into Hara’s eyes. He saw tears. Not once since he'd known her had he ever seen tears in her eyes. Shocked, he could only stare helplessly. He felt an inkling of worry of what this might be that she needed to speak with him.
"Did someone hurt you? What happened? Tell me."
"I…" Hara stared off to the sea, her eyes unwavering. She stopped talking for a long moment, just staring off into space. "Even though I'm like this, I'm really okay. You have to remember that."
"What? You…what's wrong?"
When he woke, he saw the top of Suzy's head still leaning on his chest. He stirred, beginning to feel his muscles ache. Sleeping in that position was really bad for the back. He groaned lightly and moved in order to get out of the sofa. Once he did without waking her up, Seungri positioned her carefully on the couch then went to the bathroom.
He stared at himself in the mirror. That day at the beach felt, to the 22-year-old Seungri, like the end of the world.
"I'm sick. The kind of disease I have, Seungri, it's not something common. It stays dormant in the body for a long time. When I had my blood checked a few months ago, my doctor said something was really wrong with my blood cell count and my immune system wasn't working properly. He said…half a year, at the most."
Seungri threw cold water on his face.
"I wrote you a letter. I know it's stupid and corny, but I put it in a bottle and buried it over there. Don't open it until…until I'm not here anymore. This is the last time I step foot on this beach, you know. That's why I wanted you here. The last time I get to be in my favourite place in the world, I'm glad it's with you."
When he walked out of the bathroom, he returned to the living room and quietly watched Suzy's sleeping form. How did she become so important to him in a short amount of time? He'd known her for a long time, yes, but neither of them had felt anything special towards the other until mere months ago.
The last time he'd let himself fall was with Hara and since then, he'd made a personal promise never to do it again. Yet here he was now, on the verge of falling for someone else. The fear was strong. Especially now, when he couldn't help but recall all the memories he'd had with his first love. Trying hard to fight the feeling of panic, he walked over to the couch and crouched down in front of Suzy. Gently, he pushed back strands of hair that fell over her face.
Slowly her eyelids lifted, and the brown eyes he loved to look into, focused on him. "Seungri…"
"How are you feeling?"
"Have you been watching me sleep all this time?"
He let out a small smile. "I fell asleep too, but…for a few minutes, yeah I was."
"Did I drool?"
"No, but that would've been great. I would've taken a picture for revenge." He chuckled when she sat up and took a jab at his stomach. "I'm not kidding."
"Ugh I know." With messy hair, Suzy touched her head briefly. "What time is it?" She felt the medicine wear off as the back of began to itch. She gave into it and coughed consecutively three times.
"Just before 4."
Suzy could see that underneath that easy smile was sadness. Even in his eyes, there was a hint of it. Feeling her heart grow heavy at the sight, she stood up and touched his cheek hesitantly. Despite her grogginess, she could still sense it.
"What's wrong?"
He gazed at her for a long moment, just looking into her eyes. He wasn't good at communicating how he felt with words. He merely rested his forehead against hers.
"I'm just glad you're okay."
Suzy let out a silent sigh. It must have hurt him more to see someone in pain, simply because it was a painful reminder of Hara's own suffering. Unable to hide the disappointment that he wouldn't open up to her more, Suzy stepped away. Somewhat feeling anxious, she raked a hand through her hair. "Hara…you're thinking about her?"
He met her gaze sharply.
Weary, she shook her head to indicate she didn't need an answer. "When you get that look on your face, there's really only one reason why." Suzy coughed.
Silence was her reply.
"It's okay. I won't ask anymore," she murmured.
As much as he wanted to tell her, hell, as much as he needed to, there was just that undeniable fear stopping him. That same stupid fear that he would drive her away by telling her everything. She had no idea what this had done to him – Hara and all the other emotional baggage that came with her death. He wasn't stupid; women could be understanding about old lovers to a point. If Suzy knew about the letter, about all those memories of Hara that were permanently there stuck in his brain, she would realize just how far he was from perfect. How could anybody really love someone so broken?
He wouldn't tell her anything to jeopardize what they had together, not when she was the only important person in his life now. He couldn't lose her. Otherwise, what would happen to him?
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