III: There’s A First for Everything

Going to school isn’t the tough part. Just showing up and making sure that you are present isn’t difficult or impossible. Studying and getting good grades –or at least trying to- isn’t horribly out of reach. Learning new material and applying your knowledge isn’t a hurdle unable to overcome.

It is the people at school that make it tough. Grades and good behavior is one thing. But horrible discrimination, mocking laughter, hurtful gossip, sinuous rumors, and judging eyes are a whole ‘nother thing.

The saying ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me’ is a myth around here. Sure, you may be strong-willed and mentally guarded. However, their words will wither your strong front away like it never even existed. It’s amazing how humans affect humans. And it’s not only with words but with actions as well.

Though sticks and stone may break my bones and words will never hurt me, as a combo, they are deadly. I’ve experienced life in a whole different perspective. I was born into an environment I used to be comfortable with. I was normal. I was well-liked. I didn’t have to care about the thoughts of others when I had my friends with me. But then I was forcefully taken out of that environment and suddenly, I didn’t seem to fit in anymore. No matter how hard I tried to sneak my way back in, I was kicked out ruthlessly. So I stopped trying.

But then, I was back into the community that despised my kind. When I had no intention of rekindling my relationship with the community who had once invited me in then spat me out like dirt, I was dragged back into it. When I wanted it, I was never given a chance. Now that I don’t, I was thrown back in without a choice.

Life is cruel and ironic. But it never listens anyway.

The uniform felt foreign on my body. How many times had I wished that I was donning this uniform in the past? And now, the cotton fabric of the white dress shirt and thick navy blazer hung heavily on my body. I felt dragged down by it and I felt like it wasn’t a part of my skin. Compared to the students who wore this everyday of their life, I felt like a stranger.

I sighed, patting down my newly ironed plaid skirt that reached just below the knee. I made sure that my red tie was tight around my collar and my shirt was tucked in appropriately. Grabbing my knee-high white socks, I began to roll them on and slip my feet into my new black leather ballet flats.

The sun was bright and the sky was cloudless. It seemed like a perfect day today. Normally, I would be happy and cheerful but the fear of school crept up on me. Even when I managed a smile, it was like a heavy weight pulling my cheeks down into a frown.

Why was I so afraid? It was just school.

But I was fearful of their judgment and their scrutinizing gaze. I was different compared to them. While they could converse and laugh freely, I was stuck without a voice. While they could torment me with their words, I couldn’t defend myself without causing more laughter and more reason for them to torture me. Words are a powerful thing and I learned that in my years as a mute. It wasn’t pleasant and human instinct set me on an edge, hearing their mocking words. But I could do nothing. I could say nothing.

“Yu Na, you’re gonna be late!” Miryo hollered from downstairs and I hurriedly grabbed my backpack and rushed down the stairs. I past her in the kitchen and she wished me good luck before continuing with her duties.

Once I was out the doors of the coffee shop, I knew life would be different. I knew that I had to it up and deal with it.

And I hope that throughout the school year, my silent life would not be shattered.

I managed to reach school just before the bell rang. I trudged up the stairs towards the front office and waited patiently for them to call my name. The school was big and it intimidated me. As I sat in the office in a small blue chair, I glanced around the room, spotting a few glass cabinets holding various awards and certificates commending the school, its athletes and its scholars.

“Kang Yu Na, you may proceed to the principal’s office.” The young secretary sang in a soft voice. I rose from my seat and bowed to her in respect before entering a room with a plaque that said ‘Principal’s Office’ in gold.

The room was fairly large. Again, a glass cabinet was on the side, displaying more awards. There were two shelves holding books of different genre and spectrum. The principal’s desk was in the middle, cluttered with papers, files, stationery, and yellow post-its. A young brunette with glasses hanging at the tip of her nose and hair tied messily in a bun typed furiously away on her Mac-book Air. A plaque stood firmly at the front of her desk identifying her as Ms. Kwon BoA.

I quietly stood in the middle of the office, shuffling on my two feet in anxiety. The silence was quite suffocating and for once in my life, I felt the need to break it. It wasn’t long ‘til she stopped typing and directed her attention to me, a grin plastered on her face.

“Ah, you must be Kang Yu Na, the new student?” She gestured for me to take a seat and I cautiously sat down on the leather chair. The leather squeaked due to the weight and I stiffened in fear of making a mistake.

“Right, I know that you have mutism, which categorizes you as a special student in our school. I’m glad that you have decided to join Seoul High despite your handicap. Anyway, despite your condition, I’m afraid that if you cause trouble, you will receive the same punishments as a normal student. I hope you understand.” She smiled at me apologetically and I nodded. It didn’t matter. I intended to live my life quietly in school like how I did outside.

If only Narsha unnie and Miryo unnie didn’t gang up on me…

“Good, now, I’ve talked with your teachers and your participation will be calculated based on your notes. Here’s your schedule and you should know your way around a little right? I do recall you toured the school during break. If you do need help though, don’t be afraid of asking your classmates. I’m sure they’ll be willing enough to help you. For now though, I will bring you to class.” She nodded and rose from her seat to walk me to class.

It’s exactly what I was trying to avoid: help from anybody around here.

You know you’re nervous when you try to find a way to escape a dreaded situation. Your hands get sweaty and your stomach churns uneasily. Your legs are shaking and your mind is filled with ‘what ifs’. Your breathing turns into heaving gulps of air and your eyes turn watery when you aren’t even sad.

And that’s what I am currently feeling now.

As I waited outside the class for the principal to finish her announcement, jumbles of thoughts were swimming around in my head. My mind told me stay calm and be cool about it; my heart told me to bolt out of there immediately. I was seriously considering the latter.   

When I was at my breaking point, the principal finally exited the classroom and smiled at me politely, gesturing for me to enter. I hesitated. I was afraid. I feared for my life as my shaking legs made small steps towards the classroom door. I couldn’t see the principal and I couldn’t see my surroundings. I was thoroughly blinded by fear and anxiety.

I knew things weren’t going to end well.

“Come on.” With those words, I pushed forward and entered the classroom. The heated gazes burned all over. It was too late to turn back now. I tried to ignore their stares but I slowly succumbed to their judging eyes and mocking sneers.

“Class, this is Kang Yu Na. She’ll be joining all of you for the rest of the year. Now, remember what I told all of you. She is special so don’t traumatize her and don’t pick on her. She may be special but she’s human just like all of you. So, behave and if not, I’ll see you in my office after school.” The principal warned sternly but the class gave no reply. I kept my eyes from looking at anyone. I was so afraid.

The door closed, which was a sign that the principal had left. I was directed by my teacher to an empty seat and I quietly placed my backpack down on the floor. I sat down and when I felt something other than the plastic chair beneath me, I jumped and glanced down at the chair.

A whoopee cushion. I sat on it.

The loud artificial gas erupted the class into loud laughter and giggles and the teacher stared at me apprehensively. I sighed and pushed the pranking device off my chair, sitting down with shut eyes and clenched fists.

I made a bad choice, trying to assimilate into the community again. Now, life wasn’t just going to be silent. It was going to be occupied with mindless pranks, tormenting, and mocking laughter. And nobody was going to help me or save me from it.

I was all alone.

From class to class and even hallway to hallway, I was tormented and called horrible names. Freak, monster, troll, , , you name it and it was all thrown my way. Nobody felt sympathy for me. What did I expect? It’s because everyone was immature. Despite entering high school and growing into an age where maturity should blossom, they were so innocent. Too innocent that they didn’t even have an ounce of compassion.

They didn’t understand. They didn’t know. They didn’t know what it felt like to be disabled. They had to know. But not even the slightest bit of enlightenment would help them unless they had experienced it themselves. Knowledge won’t give them compassion. It is experience that will.

“Hey, are you the new kid?” A young girl with bright blue hair styled in a bob approached me with a smile. I stared at her in apprehension. Would she curse me out or would she push me away like trash?

“You are the new kid. Kang Yu Na, right?” I nodded slowly but watched her carefully in fear that she might do something to me. She snorted and rolled her eyes, dragging me by the wrist towards an unknown direction. It was lunchtime and