Long Live

Part II
-Chapter 1-

She was curled up on her bed, eyes closed, hugging a pillow. It was one of those days again. Those days where she wouldn’t mind dying. In fact, it was one of those days, where she’d harm herself and then cry over it. Her mother would come in to check on her, but Lindy would send her away by throwing the pillow against her face.

The day she’d completely lost her ears had been on Christmas 2010, ironically. She’d had another phase, but since she had been used to it by then, she didn’t mind at all. She’d been at the hospital, had the usual check-ups and went back home, waiting for the sounds to break through the invisible wall in front of her ears and make her hear again.

She was waiting for two years now. The invisible wall didn’t break. Instead, it grew taller and thicker with every minute she waited. In the beginning, she had been humming music, because it comforted her somehow. The memory of the songs made her feel better. But now, even that didn’t comfort her. Her thoughts were too loud and the rest too quiet. She felt lonely. Felt like a prisoner of herself. And that was what caused her to run the clean blade over her arm at times. When she couldn’t hear, she at least wanted to feel.

The door was opened again, this time by Annie- who wasn’t sent away by Lindy. The girl stuck her nose and opened a window. Have you gone out at least once this week? She asked in sign language. It still touched Lindy that Annie had learned it, just to communicate with her. Only because Annie had been there, Lindy endured the lessons. She’d done the course when she still had been able to hear- just in case. Instead of answering, Lindy shook her head. The smell of fresh air in her room was strange.

Go shower and let’s go take a walk, Annie said and Lindy shook her head stubbornly. She wasn’t in the mood of going out and she knew Annie good enough to know that she wasn’t somebody to have the urge to go out. But still, she insisted on taking Lindy out. And she eventually gave in, took a shower, jumped into her clothes- which were way too big, because she’d been eating way too little the past few years- and accompanied Annie outside.

It was cold. Incredibly cold. Lindy didn’t know what month it was, for she’d stopped going to work half a year ago and had stayed at home. Much to her parents dislike, but Lindy was at a point in her life where nothing and nobody could force her to do anything. Nobody but Annie. Without her, Lindy was sure she would’ve died already. But it wasn’t like Annie could be there 24/7. She was going to university, studying something with game design, and she was fairly good. Lindy didn’t want to be in her way, and thus comforted her with a daily update: I’m good, parents are annoying, and I’ll survive. But that didn’t stop Annie from coming over every now and then and forcing Lindy to do things she didn’t want to- like going out on a cold, stormy, winter day. They were walking next to each other and, seeing the snow under her feet, Lindy remembered how much she’d loved the sound of the snow when she stepped on it. It wasn’t describable, but it had been awesome. A small smile crept on her lips. When Annie saw that, she grinned and took her best friend’s hand. She’d decided to grab dinner at their favourite Asian Restaurant, since Lindy had lost much weight and her parents just didn’t seem to be able to make her feel all better again.

She knew why Lindy’s mom wasn’t sending her into psychiatry. She still held onto the thought that it was just a phase. But, regarding on how long said phase had going on now, Annie knew better. Her friend would never be the same- not without a therapy. She missed the times when they’d laughed and talked for hours. They weren’t even writing anymore- even though Annie was sure that Lindy was writing when being closed up in her room, but the girl just wouldn’t admit that she did. Nothing was the same, except of the love Annie felt for her best friend. No matter what, she’d manage to make her feel good again.

They took a seat at a small table for two, Annie smiled at Lindy, but she just looked around. Annie knew, why: She remembered the sounds of her surroundings. The quiet, traditional Chinese music, the bubbling of the aquarium next to them, the blowing of the heater. She smiled at Annie after coming out of her thoughts.

How’s college? She asked, but Annie sighed and shrugged.

Hard, as always. I don’t think I’m good enough… Lindy rolled her eyes. She’d seen Annie’s works, and she was more than good enough. But she knew that Lindy thought that, and Lindy knew that her opinion didn’t count. You’ll make it big, Lindy simply answered and thanked the woman that handed them the menu. After picking what she’d always eat: Rice, chicken and peanut-sauce with vegetables and a green tea for becoming warm again, she noticed Annie wanting to talk to her.

Are you looking for a new job? She asked. Lindy wasn’t about to have that talk now. She’d worked as a Make-Up Artist and Stylist for a small fashion agency, but had dropped the job because of her depression. She shook her head and before Annie could go on talking, she arose, excusing herself for going to the toilet.

She did not actually go to the toilet. Well, she did take the stairs down to where the toilets were, but she only did to escape the talk. She was good at escaping situations like that- this was the only reason she still didn’t have a job. That, and because her mother believed she needed time to get over it. Because, well, time healed all wounds. Lindy chuckled coldly and looked into the mirror, surprised at how dead she looked. Her face wasn’t anything from the pretty face it once had been. She knew she was looking at herself, but it felt more like looking at somebody else. Somebody else with sad, dark eyes, circles under them and extremely sharp looking cheek bones. She hadn’t always looked like that. In fact, she’d once had been chubby. But now, the things didn’t fit even a bit. Her fingers looked like fingers of a skeleton. She realized how bad she looked, but she still smiled.

Seemed like death was to take her, soon.

***

It was one of the better days. Not good enough to not wish to die, but good enough to leave her room and sit down on the couch with her father, just like they’d use to before she became deaf. She had totally forgotten the three months in which her dad had been away, not there for her. She knew how miserable he felt about that, and he’d made up for all that already. He just didn’t know.

Because he wanted to enjoy every minute he had left with her, he had agreed on making a T.O.P-DVD-Day. They’d already watched ‘19-Nineteen’ and where now at the point of ‘71: Into the fire’ where Seunghyun got shot and was about to die. Tears were flowing out of Lindys eyes, and her dad was patting the bony shoulder. He seriously worried about her, but his wife just wouldn’t listen when he told her that Lindy would die if they went on ignoring the obvious. After ‘71: Into the fire’ they would watch IRIS, and Lindy really looked forward to that. She loved the movie- she loved all of the movies from Seunghyun.

But they didn’t get to IRIS anymore, for they were interrupted by Annie who stepped in front of the TV. Lindy told her to get out of the way, but the mood was destroyed, anyways. She glared at her best friend, but she just grinned. She exchanged some words with Lindy’s dad, and two years ago Lindy would’ve wished to know what they were saying. But she’d overcome that urge.

Go shower and get ready. I skipped Uni for you. She said and Lindy groaned, but still did as she was told. It was only 11 in the morning and she didn’t know what in the world Annie would want to do with her now. Nevertheless, she followed along. She took a seat in her car and watched her turning on the music. She’d turned it loud enough for Lindy to feel the bass, and she noticed that it was a song she knew. It was BIGBANG’s ‘a good man’. Lindy smiled as she remembered the song and started singing along. Yes, she still could talk- and sing. She just didn’t hear herself doing so. She could see Annie following her and both were singing out loud while Annie drove.

***

I want to go home! Lindy said, but they were already standing in the huge arena. Not in the first row- they’d been too late for that- but still close to the stage. Close enough for the sweat of the artists to hit them. But, remembering what had happened last time she went to a concert, she really wanted to turn around and go home. It was just that Annie ignored her attempts to turn around, and the crowd wouldn’t let her out. And thus, she was forced to stay there. She lowered her gaze. She didn’t want to see the five men she had once loved. She didn’t want to remember the video Taeyang had done for her. It had been three years now. She should’ve overcome it.

But, truth was, she still watched the news about them and she’d seen that there were new music videos, with all of them looking incredibly good. But that wasn’t enough. She wasn’t able to listen to the music, and that was what deepened her depression.

She knew when the concert started, because the bass was so strong that it caused her whole body to vibrate. She looked up and saw the boys walking up on the stage. But, other than that, she noticed something else: The English lyrics of the songs they were singing was written on a huge monitor behind of them. Like that, Lindy knew exactly which songs they were singing, and it somehow made her happy. Yes, she smiled. She even laughed. She took Annie’s hand and was thankful for that moment. Even though she couldn’t listen to the songs, she felt them. And that was the first moment since her deafness, that she really and truly was happy.

They were soon to have their solos. Just like on every concert- Lindy had seen enough lives to know that. She didn’t know most of the songs. They’d come out after she had stopped listening to new songs. However, seeing the pretty lyrics on screen, she fell for them. The last one to sing was Daesung, and it was a song called ‘Try Smiling’. Lindy didn’t know it, but the lyrics touched her so much that she began to cry.

After he finished his song, Taeyang walked up. He was standing next to him and said something into the microphone. However, that didn’t have English subtitles, and thus was a mystery to her. That was, until a video was played on the screen. A video. And it showed Annie’s face.

“Hello BIGBANG!”, she began, and the only reason Lindy knew that was because of the added subtitles, “I’m making this video with a request. My best friend, Lindy, has been on your concert in 2009 in the same arena as today. However, said concert didn’t end well for her, since she became deaf for the first time. It was bearable back then, since she knew that everytime she became deaf, it’ll eventually go back. But two years ago, she lost the ability to hear. And since then, she’s a wreck. She rarely to never goes out, and she’s lost the will to live. I know that if you, BIGBANG, cheered her on, she would gain strength again and try to fight the Leukemia, not welcome it. She’s in a good state at the moment- it just took her ability to hear away. The only thing she wanted to keep. So please, tell her not to be down anymore.”

Lindy had tears in her eyes and hid behind the boy standing in front of her. Annie was holding her best friends hand. Lindy didn’t know what happened, but according to the vibration of the ground and the way the crowd reacted, Taeyang had said something. Or even sang. However, it didn’t matter anymore. Lindy just wanted to turn around and leave. Wreck. She wasn’t a wreck! She was perfectly fine! But escaping now was impossible. Annie was still holding her hand started moving. A small way was made for them, and it was too late already when Lindy noticed that they were going into the wrong direction. Rather than leaving the stage, they were approaching it! She panicked and wanted to turn around and run away, but she was too weak. Even for Annie. She just was too weak to turn around and escape.

She found herself standing on stage. She was wearing an oversized BIGBANG-tee and skinny jeans, which looked like baggy pants on her. She avoided Youngbae’s gaze. She looked awful. Did he even remember her? Lindy looked up for a second. Youngbae was talking. And before she could tell him that she didn’t hear a word he was saying, she could see Annie next to him translating.

I’m glad we’re meeting again. I’ve always wondered what happened to you after that concert, she translated, but Lindy doubted whether that was the truth. I’m happy that you’re still alive, actually. It seemed serious back then…

“It is serious.” Lindy interrupted him. She was tired of all this. She could see Taeyang’s eyes widen in surprise and his lips moving. Damn, she should’ve learned how to read peoples’ lips. But instead she’d hid away in her bedroom. For the first time ever, she regretted wasting the past two years like that.

He thinks you can hear, Idiot, Annie told her and Lindy smiled a little. “I can’t hear. But I’ve talked long enough to still be able to do at least that much.” She answered and Youngbae nodded. She looked around. The crowd was quiet.

Annie told me you once loved when I danced, Annie translated and Lindy blushed, but still nodded. Without saying anything else, he exchanged some words to Annie. She nodded and left the stage. Lindy panicked. How should she survive without her best friend?

Taeyang sat her down on a chaise lounge- Lindy hadn’t even noticed that it was carried on stage- and smiled. It was ‘look only at me’. Lindy knew that, because it was the last song Annie had forced her to listen to before she’d become deaf. She noticed that by the way he danced around the chaise lounge, always with a flirty expression on his face. Lindy had to grin like an idiot and forced back the tears that dwelled up in her eyes. After having finished the first chorus, he fell onto his knees in front of Lindy, and instead of going on singing, he started moving his hands.

»I know I'm being selfish,
But in the time I've been wasting every day, I've become corrupt like this, "baby".
I only want you to stay pure forever.
I want this with my whole heart, this is my faith in you,
Don't leave me 'til the day you die.
Even though I stray from you don't you ever stray from me.
Even though I forget about you, don't you forget me.
Even though I drink and don't call,
Even though I briefly meet eyes with another girl,
Only look at me.«

Lindy was breathless. She pressed her lips together and blinked in the awful attempt to force the tears away. However, they still flowed. Youngbae leaned forwards to hug Lindy, but she wasn’t able to move. She was just so taken away by the scene, that she didn’t even notice the protesting screams in the crowd. Of course she didn’t, she was deaf. And even if she’d heard them, she would’ve ignored them with all her might. Because, this moment was just breathtakingly awesome.

And it was over too, too fast. 

saranghae

I'm feeling down recently, and I came to realize that I can only write out of Lindy's view when I'm not feeling well. So, there you go, guys. I hope you like it. This chapter was already saved, to be honest, but I went on writing today, so yeah, I though about uploading it. Have fun, comment and subscribe if you like it. If not, that's fine, too! Have a better week than I do x.x :) ♥ 

credits - contradictori