December 18th 2011

Although Yoona hates to admit it, the break up isn't easy- it is harder than she thought.

They've been together for almost 8 months. And yet, there's still this feeling of uncertainty that kills her. She wonders whether it was her fault since Donghae could never be the person to blame. She has asked herself a million times if this- them being together is actually what she wanted but she could never answer that question without having to think and hesitate. It wasn't wrong to say that Yoona wasn't sure. She wasn't sure and as a matter of fact, she has never been very sure in this relationship, not at all. This leads back to the beginning and she wonders (again) why she said yes. She thinks it must have been because they were good together- as a couple. He knew her and she knew him as well. It was an ideal relationship because there was understanding. But then there's this uncertainty that she couldn't and can't ignore. Not anymore.

She loved him. She did. But obviously... it wasn't enough for this relationship- for them.

It hurts to see Donghae putting so much effort into them, trying to make it work while she is always questioning about herself, about him and about them. It hurts to know that she simply couldn't care enough and love him the way he should be loved. It hurts to push him away while she still needs him, still wants him. It hurts, yes it does... but it hurts the most when she has to face the fact that she doesn't belong to him and the other way round.

He belongs to someone who is capable of caring and loving without feeling insecure, someone other than me. That is the thing Yoona tells herself when she leaves the cafe that day after having said her last words to him. That is also the thing she keeps telling herself as she sits there crying in the darkness over something she has just lost. She keeps telling herself that stupid theory she made up in her mind as if it were true, as if it could ease the pain and turn all the mess in her life into smoke.

Yoona did expect a lot of things when she eventually called it quits but shenever expected to feel that hurt.

January 27th 2012

Donghae stares at his own reflection in the mirror and panics. Not because he can't realize himself anymore, he's still himself in some ways but there's something about him that scares him, terrifies him even. Something different...

"I love your eyes, especially the way they twinkle when you talk.They're just beautiful."

He still remembers. He asks himself whether she could ever say that again if she sees him in this state. He is alive but he doesn't feel like it. Donghae lets out a heavy sigh before getting out of the bathroom. The first thing that catches his eyes is the calendar with days crossed out in red. It has become a habit of him, sometimes he considers it as a pleasure, to cross out every single day after their break up, after the day that changed his whole life. He lazily walks toward his working desk in the corner and lifts up a red pen. 40, the number ran through his head as he crosses out the number 27 on the calendar. He has been counting every day without an exception and today is the 40th day. He has survived 40 days.

Every day has a same schedule for him. He wakes up, goes to work, has lunch, goes home, eats dinner, watches a sport game he has no idea of and goes to bed. A tedious routine with hurt and pain everywhere he goes, in everything he does. Everything reminds him of her- of them. He was surprised the other day how even the buttons in the elevator can remind him of her. It sounded ridiculous and absurd but he couldn't stop staring at them with that tight feeling in his chest. He knows that she is gone but holding on to her has become the only way to keep him alive.

Donage puts on a suit and gets ready for work. He takes a last look back before locking the door. It will be a hard day when her images are scattered (almost) everywhere...
 

January 28th 2012

"You forgot to print the files out." Her boss says with a stern look as he places the files on the table. "I asked for copies and yet- here they are."

"I'm so sorry. I must have forgotten about them." Yoona replies in confusion, silently cursing herself for this mistake. She has never lost focus in her work and was never ever once distracted by anything but this time is different.

"You've been acting very weird these days. Are you okay?" He asks, knowing that she was in no way okay.

"I'm fine." Yoona fakes a smile and leaves her table. "I'll give you the copies in a few minutes."

She heads to the copy machine with her head in the clouds. She is not okay. Not yesterday, not the past days, not today and not tomorrow. She feels lost, invisible and she misses him. A fact she keeps hiding and denying until the 30th day has passed away. She was aware that she wouldn't get over this in a couple days. A few weeks- probably but it's been more than just a few weeks and nothing is getting better. She isn't over him, not even close to that.

"You won't get any copies even if you keep pressing that button like crazy." A voice shakes her out of her thoughts.

"Excuse me?" The doe-eyed girl looks up, not having a single idea of what the lady just said.

"The copy machine is unplugged. I think you should plug the machine in before pressing the button." She responds with a small smile of understanding.

"Oh..." It suddenly dawns on her. "Thank you. I wasn't really paying much attention..." She blushes and hits her head slightly.

"It's never easy, dear... Don't lose yourself though." She says while patting Yoona’s shoulder softly.

She blinks in surprise. Was it that easy to see what she is going through? Was it that easy to see that she is struggling just to keep balance and not fall apart? Was it that easy to see that she is hurt? For a brief moment, she questions if Dongahe has ever, even just for a second, felt the same way.
 

May 27th  2012

They meet again. Not accidently or on purpose. They meet because they have the same circle of friends and because they have been cancelling the meetings with their friends for too long. She has been avoiding him and he has been doing just the same thing. Their friends were worried and both of them got tired of listening to advices and long talks about how to leave the past behind and move on to the future. She is still worried to death about this meeting because it was her who hurt him, it was her who bid him goodbye, it was her... her and her.
 

Yoona gets to movie center right on time. She never comes late and he would come exactly 5 minutes early. She looks around and isn't a bit surprised to Dongahe there, waiting. He looks up and their eyes meet. Yoona hasn't planned of this, any of this. So she stands there in two minds about how to deal with this. She can either continue looking at him and showing him that she is only a big fat liar or look away like it's an annoyance to meet his gaze. She first chooses the second option but continues staring at him for a stupid unknown reason.

"Hi." Yoona manages to say after a lon