Forevermore

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Journal Entry # 1

I don't know if this should be a journal, but here I am writing everything that happened yesterday, the day before that, the day before that, and so on. It started out when my friend liked her. Yeah, he liked her alright, but he never got the chance to talk to her. People always about it; it was probably the reason why he didn't have the courage to ask her out. I watched him by the side lines. He talked about his woes and insecurities. Hyung had the chance to confess but he got turned down, I guess.

He gradually gave up.

You might be wondering why I started this entry talking about someone else. Maybe because it all started after hyung started to lose hope. It started when he lost hope and I began with mine.

I talked to her that afternoon. It always started with a "hey!"

Actually, I'm not sure if it started with that, but all I knew was that I greeted first. I'm not completely sure why I talked to her. I could have talked to someone else. I had many friends who were girls. I had guy friends as well. I could have talked to them but instead, I had the sudden urge to talk to her.

"Jieun-ssi!"

"Don't call me that," she said. "Its too formal."

"Can I call you Jieunnie then?" I asked.

"Everyone calls me that, I don't mind." she said.

And there, it all began.

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Journal Entry # 2

How do you gradually like a person? Does it just happen in a snap or something should happen before you know it actually is love? Does your heart have to beat very fast or does it have to thump? Can you like a person by merely just being comfortable with him or her? I'm not really sure.

Jieun and I just talked, that's all.

I never made a move on her and she never made a move on me and yet, here I was, just....liking her.

We would eat ice cream on hot days and share small talks or play games. It was just something as simple like that.

One day, I spotted her writing something about a guy she liked. I openly asked her about it and she didn't hesitate to tell me about it.

She talked about him so admirably that I started...hurting.

Why?

I probably realized I liked her when she was no longer in my reach. I probably forgot that sometimes, you tend to realize something once it hits you in the face.

This was probably what hit me right in the face.

She liked someone else.

And like me, she was also uncertain of that person's feelings.

I, who deliberately took advantage of this situation, asked her to go out on a date with me.

It started out with her questioning my romantic ability. I don't really remember since a lot of topics pop up when we just talk.

She, for some reason, agreed with my proposition.

She said she wanted to test her emotions. She wanted to know if he really liked the person.

Like her, I'm probably waiting for snow on a tropical country. And tropical countries, they don't have snow.

I was a so-called expert at taking girls out on dates. I'm a self-proclaimed cassanova. I took her to the beach at night and we looked at the stars together.

It was romantic really....if we weren't pretending.

I wondered what it felt like to be liked by her. I wondered when would be the time she would feel the same way as I did. She probably won't look at me that way but somehow....I don't know, I had a tinge of hope.

We stood up on the sand and walked on shoreline, feeling the water as it touches our feet and go back.

As a half-hearted tease, I pulled her close, our faces inches away and whispered,

"Just forget about him and be with me."

I tend to ask myself if I really were serious or if I were joking. Up until this day, I still ask myself that.

I actually thought her reaction would be to push me away and laugh it all off saying to cut it out but, in the end, she just quickly kissed my cheek and told me,

"Thank you but I really can't live without him."

Well, that stung.

Hard.

Like hell.

I smiled at her, shrugged it off, and sat on sand. I wondered if she could here the plasticity of my laugh. I wondered if she knew how much it hurt hearing that from her. I wondered if I could ever still face her with this broken smile plastered on my lips.

"What did you think of my performance?" I asked her.

"You really had me going there," she commented.

"What if I wasn't joking, though?" I told her, not looking at her so that she won't see the seriousness of my expression.

"We're done pretending, Dae," she said.

Yeah.....we're done pretending.

"Man, I'm hungry!" I said to change the atmosphere. "This whole drama is probably because I'm hungry. Feed me, Jieunnie..."

She laughed and complied to my request.

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Journal Entry # 3

I couldn't stay away from her. It was hard really, but first and foremost, she was my friend. That's what she thinks we are and that's what I have to live with.

She welcomed me with smiles and asked me how my day was.

She would talk to me about getting a girlfriend soon and I would shrug it off, saying I only love food and that I'm not interested in finding a girl yet.

Of course I wasn't interested; I already found her. I can't move on, knowing I still have a chance.

But I'm a coward.

And that was my flaw.

Days passed and she told me she planned to leave. She was leaving Korea to study abroad.

Her days with me were numbered.

There was an indefinite future in our relationship as friends.

I didn't know how to react to it.

Everyone asked her to stay and just study here but her mind had made its decision.

She was leaving.

I had no choice but to respect it.

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Journal Entry # 4

She left me a note one day saying she was thankful for being a good friend. She said she was shy to confess to me and that leaving a note was the only option she could have thought of.

What was she embarassed about, I wonder.

Why was she embarassed to tell me I was a good friend?

I approached her that day and asked her about the letter.

"Why are you embarassed to tell me I'm a good friend?" I asked.

"Huh? Oh, its cause...I don't know," she laughed.

I still didn't get it and I ended up just staring at her.

"It's 'cause I like you."

"I like you too..." I told her.

"More than just a friend," she told me.

I stood silent.

"But what about-"

"I got over him already," she told me.

I was dumbfounded. I didn't know how to react to it. I mean....

I never dreamed of it, really.

"Same here," was all I said. I could have said more though, like, 'After all this time, I've always waited for you. I didn't expect to like you. I just wanted to be friends but for some reason, it grew into something more.'

They didn't come out.

She stood silent but then turned to me and said, "Go find yourself a girl soon, okay, Dae?" she said then walked away.

But I ignored her last remark.

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Journal Entry # 5

The next day, I decided to send her tons of marshmallows. Yes, I gave her marshmallow plushies and all those other marshmallow goodness she's always loved. Since I knew I wasn't going to reach Christmas, I gave her an early Christmas gift. I left in on her front door and immediately left without saying where it came from.

She sent me a message hours after.

"Thanks for the gifts."

"How did you know it was me?"

"It was just a guess really."

I smiled.

"How can I repay you?"

"Your time."

"What?"

"I want your time. Just your time is good enough for me :)"

"Alright, whatever you say, Dae."

That afternoon, we went for ice cream. The flavors were still vivid in my mind, she had peach and I, the person who wanted to experiment, had cheesecake flavored ice cream.

Truthfully, it tasted good. I don't know if it was because I was in a good mood or because I naturally liked cheesecake.

We walked along having the usual conversation we had. Nothing really changed well, apart from the sadness of unrequited love being no longer there, it was just your usual conversation.

Then I asked, "There's one more thing I want from you, though"

"What is that?"

"Be my girlfriend till you go."

She paused and looked at me. "Dae-"

"I won't ask you to stay or ever regret this decision. I just want your time, that's all. I want you to at least be mine, even for a short while. I know I'm sounding sort of like a martyr or something, but I have accepted the fact that you will leave. I just want you to be mine until then."

She then tried to smile and nodded, accepting my request. "Alright, if it's ok with you, then."

That hour was probably the best hour of my life.

She had to go soon but it didn't matter.

The days I'll make with her might be numbered but I'll make it count.

-End of Journal Entries-