I must have looked like hell because he just stopped mid-sentence and sat next to me.  He didn't say anything and just sat there for a while.  I could have gone on staring into nothing if he hadn't said the words that finally broke down the walls I've unknowingly built around myself for the past year to survive;

 

"If I were you, I'd cry it out now before they all come in here and ask you about it." He said quietly, staring at his shoes.

 

Then it came.  Loud,wracking sobs.  Nobody ever told me that a heartbreak would hurt so much, I felt like my insides were being wrung dry.  I cry out her name and tell her I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. 

 

But it's all over isn't it?

 

I wake up in the clothes I wore last night.  I just feel so tired.  Of everything. 

 

It's not like I just randomly made a decision to end it all with her.  What we had was one of the best things I've ever known in my life.  She was the most beautiful in my eyes, she was kind, she was fun.  Whenever I sang to her before, she would close her eyes and drink it all in.  She would hold my hand and press it against her cheek and just hold it there.  She bought all our CDs and the posters even if she never opened them. 

 

"I want to support you and the group.  But this is not you, this not the Jongdae that I know.  I'd rather you sing those old love songs to me when we're together."

 

She loved me with all that she had even when I was just Jongdae.  Actually no, she loved me because I was THAT Jongdae.

 

Now I'm Chen.  I'm so famous I can't even go to an amusement park in a foreign country without being followed by these silly girls asking if I have a phone number.  What's up with that?Everything seems so loud I can't hear myself think.  I'm so tired all the time but I have a hard time falling asleep most nights.  Thinking, thinking, is this what I really signed up for?

 

I have always dreamed of becoming a singer.  Now I am.  Now I'm Chen of EXO-M.

 

And she's gone from my life.

 

The pressure was so much I couldn't eat.  It was one thing after another and before I knew it I was having anxiety attacks.  Did I sing that part right?Did I smile enough?Was I funny in that show? 

 

It wasn't just about me.  I can't run away because this is about 11 other people too, with dreams and hopes and fears and destinies all woven together into mine. 

 

We are one.

 

For most of the past year she only saw me on tv and the internet.  I did my best to call and visit.  I knew that she got jealous of the thousands of girls who think they are in love with me.  I always tell her that she's all I see even if she never brings it up.  She never tells me but I know how it hurts when I have to cancel on her with something that we planned weeks in advance. 

 

Because I feel the same way.  I am a man, but I have a heart that beats for her and for the two of us.  I long for her the same way she does for me. 

 

Those things that you see on tv how they portray men as unfeeling bastards who leave as soon as they get what they want?Yeah scrap that. 

 

What I want is to be with her.  What I want is to be a singer.  I know I don't want people following me everywhere I go.  I know I don't like seeing girls as young as 15 cutting themselves up because of their desperation and how they think they feel about us, artists they can only admire from afar.  I want to run away but I don't really want to and I can't I can't I can't.

 

I feel this way for four months and I swear to you I nearly go insane.

 

So I sent her a message on her birthday.  My heart threatened to explode as I wait wait wait for her to tell me that yes, she wants to see me and we can make things work again.  I wait and my phone vibrates and

 

"I'm sorry."

 

Now I don't believe that life is so cruel that you only have one chance on that one, great love.  I think we're all given several possibilities and how it goes with each one will depend on the choices that we make.

 

Why do I feel though, like she was the only one it was possible to have complete happiness with?

 

You see, this will be the girl that I will always remember who I let go, even after the award shows, even when I enter and leave the army, I will think of her on my wedding day(if I ever get lucky so as to find someone half as good as her), I will probably call her name when I draw out my last breath, however melodramatic that may sound.

 

That's when a part of me dies.  That's when the tears stop but the grief never will.  That moment I tell myself, I will never sing again for anyone else but her.  Not for myself or my dreams, not for our fans or my members,  I will only sing for her and pretend that she is holding my hand, pressed to her warm cheek, drinking it all in.

 

"But sometimes I cry, babe

Been at all that hurtin

For a long, long time (yes, I have babe)

Sometimes I cry, babe

Ain't nothin workin

For this pain of mine

 

I'll just have to fake it

Until I can make it

There's a smile on my face, yeah

But I'm broken inside"*

 

*Sometimes I Cry by Eric Benét

 

END