It’s raining hard outside. I sipped my black coffee to get warmth. Felt the warmth in my hand and my throat, I closed my eyes. I used to love rain. Its sound, its smell, and the rain itself. I loved all of it for once in my life time. Now, every time the sky cries, my heart ache. Ache so much to the point I can’t breathe. To the point I have to hold myself not to break. To the point I feel there’s a hole in my chest. Yes, a hole of something’s missing.

I miss him.

I miss him so bad.

                I opened my eyes, and giggled ridiculously. I let out a sigh. I sipped my coffee again. The sky cried so damn much tonight that the sound broke the silence. I walked to the only window in the room, stared outside for a second.

Is it possible to meet him again?

“I love you”

“I know”, I know you always do

“Is that a yes?”

“What do you think?”

“It’s a no, right?”

I gave out a weird giggle. “It’s a no, I’m sorry”

                The next day, the sun’s shining so bright. It felt so warm yet painful…  When the sky poured the rain, when the sky gave his big smile, whenever it is, it reminded me of him. I the tv as I ate my breakfast, a slice of bread and a cup of coffee. My all time favorite. His favorite. I chewed slowly as my eyes didn’t leave tv’s screen. It’s almost nine and I just started my breakfast. It’s nine and I didn’t have any plans to do. It’s nine and I got about fifteen hours to pass this day. I choked and grab my coffee. Fifteen is too long. And I cried. Again. As I always did in the morning, since he left.

“Do you know that Krystal confessed to me?”

I stopped walking and stared at him. “Of course, we’re best friend after all. Why?”

He looked me in the eyes. “Why don’t you stop her?”

“The question is why should I stop her? It’s not a sin to fall for you.”

“It’ll hurt her, if I say no”

“Then why don’t you say yes?”

“Because she’s not the one.” He took a deep breath. “You always know that you’re the one I want, Suzy”

“You can try, she’s a good girl. She loves you, Myungsoo.” I answered, ignoring his last statement.

“Then why don’t you try? I am a good guy after all. I can guarantee it. And I… love you”

                Drrrrttt drrrrttt drrrrrt, Drrrrttt drrrrttt drrrrrt, Drrrrttt drrrrttt drrrrrt

I went back to reality when I felt my phone vibrated. One missed call. It’s Krystal. I sighed and started to practice speaking in normal tone.

Drrrrttt drrrrttt drrrrrt, I picked the phone as the phone started to vibrate again

“Suzy?”

“Hm?”

“Hey Suzy, It’s me Krystal”

I giggled a bit. How can I don’t know? She called me thrice a week. “I know it’s you”

“Do you have any plan today?”

“No”

“Would you go shopping with me? We can have lunch together and I heard there’s a new Ice Cream stall just four blocks away from here. We can stop by and try it.”

“….”

“Suzy?”

“Ah ne?”

“So? Would you come?”

“I don’t think I will, Krystal. I just want to spend a day at home. You know, be a coach potato.” I giggled as I tried to hide my guilty and … sorrow.

I heard silence then a giggle.

“Krystal?”

“Sorry. I just know you’ll answer that way.”

“…”

“Suzy?”

“Hm?”

“Don’t you think, it’s time to continue your life?”

“…”

“I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but Suzy, I’m your friend, and I care and love you. Don’t you think you took too long to recover? Don’t you think it’s time to start again? Do you think he’ll be happy seeing you like this?”

“…”

“I know it’ll be hard, but you should at least try. You should face that he’s gone! He’s no longer here! He’s somewhere beyond your reach. Myungsoo is died.  Please Suzy, please be your old self. I’m sure he never wants seeing you drowning.”

“…” I’m sure she heard my sob

“I know Suzy, you love him. And we all know you need him. But, do you really think you have to throw your life as he left?”

I cried harder

“He loves you Suzy. You have to remember that he loves you. He loves you so much that he sacrificed his life for you.”

“Suzy, please listen.”

“No, I won’t listen. I don’t want to listen.” I walked faster, try to lengthen our distance.

“Can you please stop being stubborn for a sec?”

“I can’t and I’m not stubborn.”

He got my wrist and I stopped. I stared at him who looked messier than usual. I felt like crying.

“Don’t make things complicated Suzy.” He said, almost like a whisper to me.

“I don’t.” I shouted

“Look at me, Suzy, in the eyes”

“…”

“I love you, okay. I don’t want anyone else but you. I don’t need anyone else but you. How many times do I need to tell you?

“…”

“I have waited, Suzy. I have. I know you since I am eight, I know I fall for you when I am twelve, and I confess to you when I am fourteen. And I had confessed to you more than once! And you asked me to give up? After all those times, you ask me to leave? Do you think it’s easy to leave you? If it’s that easy, I had gone far away, Suzy, I would have left you when you said no to me for the fifth times.”

“…”

“Do you start hating me, Suzy?” He let out a sigh

“No, Myungsoo. I don’t hate you. I won’t ever be able to hate you.”

“Then why? Why do you avoiding me these days? Why now? Why you go further from me when I know we’re closer than we’ve ever be?

“I just… don’t feel right, Myungsoo”

“What’s not right?”

I sighed, hesitate whether to say it or not, “I think it’s not healthy to think you all the times, every second, I… never this confused with my own feeling, Myungsoo.” I brace myself to see his reaction.

He stared at me and gave me his signature grin.

“So, you fall, eh? After those hard times of mine to get your attention, you finally fall.”

I bit my lips as I bowed my head. I curled my finger as I tried to shoo my nervousness. I hated this kind of situation. I hated being cornered. I hated to hear his laugh and the way he stared at me. And I hated the fact that my heart beats twice faster and feel warmer when he held my hand.

He lifted my head so our eyes meet. Those grin still hanging on his lips.

“Does it really need this long, Suzy? Does it really need four years for you to say yes?”

And then he kissed me. Deep. And sweet….

                I clearly remembered every single words Krystal said to me. I clenched my teeth, as I tried hard not to cry. You don’t understand, Krystal. He’s not only a sun to me. He’s my breath. He’s the reason I could breathe now. And those made me hate myself more and love him more.

It would be our third autumn together, as a couple. It would be my third birthday to spend night with him, as a couple. It would be another night watching movies till collapsed or talking till our mouth dry. But we’re not tired. We wouldn’t sleep and we wouldn’t stop talking. I took a quick glance to my watch. Just did it, made my heart fluttered. This watch, his watch, was our couple item. I giggled. I always love his surprise. I always love his way to treat me. I love him. I love Kim Myungsoo.

I was waiting on the side of the road. Waited for the traffic light turn to red color so that I can cross the road to our appointment point. Then it happened. I saw him. Walk with a smile and a bouquet of red roses. I can’t stand to wait. I called his name and ran towards him. Didn’t care that the traffic light hadn’t turn red yet. Didn’t care of people who calling me to go back to pavement. I just wanted to be by his side as fast as I could. He realized I was running towards him, he smiled. Then suddenly I saw a red car flashing a light and sound its horn impatiently. “Suzy!”, I heard he called my name. In the next second, I saw him ran toward me, I saw him pushed me aside, I saw him hit by the car and his body was thrown.

                I sighed for the thousandth times. I couldn’t get rid of that memory, the time he decided to safe my life, the time he left me. It was my birthday. He promised me to sing a song he made for me. He promised me to stay awake until the sun’s rising to celebrate my birthday. He promised he will stay, by my side, no matter what. Then I cried again. I hate myself for being weak, for cried again and again, for not strong enough to accept that he’s left. I wanted to hate him for leaving me. I wanted to say he’s a liar because he left. I laugh half-heartedly while tears streaming down my cheeks. I lied, Myungsoo, all I want is to see you here, with me. Or, should I go to where you are now, Myungsoo? I closed my eyes, clenched my teeth, and buried my face to hands. He saved me. Did it mean he wanted me to stay alive?  I cried my heart out. Somehow, I could feel his presence now. I know if he’s here, he would wrap his arm around me and kiss the top of my head. I love you. I love you Kim Myungsoo.

I promise I’ll be fine Myungsoo. All I need is time.