You my love, Jimin, happy birthday

A Lollipopjojjoz/Teambangtan fanfic

I passed the lonely park and couldn't let my eyes off of the two children playing with each other. It was raining and the wind breeze caressed my cheeks. It was a cold october evening, yet the birds were singing. Like a loner I sat down with my umbrella on an empty bench. Why had I always been so alone? Then you came from nowhere. Sat down beside me and shone like the morning sunshine between the raindrops. Our eyes met for the first time and I felt warmth inside my cold and frozen body. Then you said something, but I was too far away in my thoughts to even pick up what you said. I didn't have any words, I had nothing proper to say, nothing important. Then you left me alone again. Was it my fault? I was too shy to even speak to guys in my own age. Or guys over all. The only guy I could speak to was my grandfather, he meant everything to me, ever since I was a baby I had always trusted and spoken to him.

I was 12. I was 12 when I had my first love. The love that lasted forever. I couldn't let go of my feelings since I first saw you. Some people don't believe in love at first sight, well I do. But my feelings were buried in my heart, I was too shy and scared to pick them up. I wanted to show him what I really felt for him, somehow he made me feel comfortable and happy. His name clinged beautifully in my ears when I managed to say it out loud. His name was so pretty, I kept on repeating his name for myself. Like a lullaby, like a song. If you could just see me.

My big sister believed in me. She had always loved me. She was so beautiful. I had always looked up to her, she was a rolemodel for me.

I sat in the back of the classroom. The teacher, the students and even the open windows couldn't pick up any sound from me. I was silent, barely noticible. Why was I so quiet? I had no one I trusted, for some reason I was afraid. I didn't know why, it was just true. I wished I could trust anyone, speak to someone. But I couldn't.

I was 13. I was still in love. I still sat in the back of the classroom. Sometimes I was annoyed, why couldn't they see me? I was afraid to say something, what if I was wrong. I was afraid to make mistakes. I didn't believe in ”We learn of our mistakes”, but I belived in love at first sight. Sometimes I managed to force my eyes to look at him. The guy that made me feel something, the guy that made me happy, the guy that made me able to live.

Some people told me, you cannot feel love when you are only 13. Was that true? Sometimes I was to weak and thought they were right, but no, I couldn't give up. Someday I would take the first step. The step towards a brighter future, a step closer to you. But not today.

I was 14. I was beginning to earn some courage. I even forced myself to raise my hand during classes, my teacher smiled and said I was correct. It made me happy. Finally she could see my potential, she said I was pretty smart after all. I was happy. One day when we were having presentations in front of the class you looked at me, you looked at me. I almost died, I was blushing. Like a little kid I immediately looked away, why couldn't I just meet your eyes when you finally looked at me? But when I had my presentation I saw how you stared at me, but you seemed interested and stared deeply into my nervous eyes., worst of all was when you smiled at me. Your eyesmile. Your eyesmile was so beautiful, you could get any girl shaky.

I was 15. It was my birthday. One step closer to freedom. Many teenagers thought of being 15 as being a free grown up. Suddenly you could do so much more stuff. Stuff that I didn't even wanted to think about. Normally when someone had their birthday on a school day we sang songs for them. But not today. We did grammar instead. Thank you once again for knowing that I excist. Thank you.

My sister gave me a plushie on my birthday. It was a teddybear and it smelled so good. ”It represents love.”, my sister said and smiled. It was so precious. The best present ever. I almost cried.

I was still in love with you. I was tired of seeing you together with other girls. Here I was, lonely. I had been in love with you since the age of 12. The smallest thing like just looking at me made my day. I wish you could look at me more. I even dreamed about hugging you. That's right. Excactly what I needed. A hug from you.

I turned 16. Why did the time pass so quickly? I almost started to think I was getting old. And still I was in love. With the same person. With the same beautiful brown eyes. With the same guy since I was 12. Nobody could come and say this wasn't real love, because it was. Everyday I hoped he would notice me. It was still the same. Sometimes he met my eyes, but nothing more.

Why did we have to start high school? Then I wouldn't see you anymore...

Did you know I have been your neighbor since 10 years back? Had you ever seen me? I bet you hadn't. Why was life so hard, I questioned myself. Was I invincible? Even though people heard me, even though people seemed to see me, wait no, people didn't see me. That was my problem.

Why. Why are my tears so heavy? Why are you gone? You were the only one that understood my thoughts and believed in me. Why....You were so young. I love you.

I was 17. I was starting to get old. Hah, maybe not old but atleast I felt like an old lonely lady, just because of you. I had been a loner in high school too. I wasn't ugly, nor strange. Then why did people take distance from me? I wanted someone to give me 5 or even 1 reason to live. Sometimes I even considered a suicide. But what if life just turned to something else, something better soon?

Did you hate me?

Was I that strange?

I'm normal. Or am I?

On the day I turned 18 I decided on one thing. One thing that would change my life forever. Was it going to turn out good or bad? I didn't know. Was I going to heaven or hell with it. I didn't know. The only thing I thought of was that life and love . I didn't want to live anymore. My decision, after all, was to commit suicide. I had no reason to live so why live?

On the 9^th of August I wrote a letter. A letter to a special someone.

Hello,

I am mrs. Invincible. Ain't that a cute name? I wish I could say, Oh hello there I'm that girl you know, the girl from middle school. Your neighbor. But maybe you actually don't know who I am. I have always been the silent, shy girl no one knows anything about. The only one I like to talk to is my grandpa. I just wanted to tell you how much I love you.You don't know how much. I'm turning 18 today. Isn't it kinda sad, that I decided to end my life on my 18^th birthday? Hehe yeah, it might sound wierd to you. I wish you will have a great life, with children, a great wife. This is embarrassing but...I wish I was that wife. I wish, I wish, I wish for so much. But I was too shy to actually make something happen. I couldn't bare with having all of this on my chest, that's why I'm telling you this. I wanted you to know. I love you Park Ji Min. Bye.

Bye,

Bye.

I didn't know it was so hard to say farewell to someone.

I quickly ran over to his house to leave the letter. Just when I was about to open his mailbox someone came out from the house. It was him. He looked at me and then at the white paper in my hand. A strong wind snatched my long, dark hair. We kept staring at each other.

”Can I help you...?”, he asked and oncec again, looked at my letter.

”Well...take this.”, I said and threw the letter on the ground, instead of watching his reaction I ran away from him. Far away. I knew where I was going. To the place I had mostly all of my chidlhood memories.

I knew that I was going to commit suicide but I didn't know how. I was scared. I was scared of life, scared of reality, scared of death. I didn't want to stay on this earth anymore but neither I wanted to die.

I tried to collect my thoughts in the little tree house in the middle of the forest. It was beautiful and I was going to miss the place. Photos of me and my grandpa hung on the walls, it made me giggle and smile. ”I love you grandpa.”, I said. I took a deep breath and looked over to the other side of the house. Just a meter from me I saw other photos, photos of me and my sister. Immediately tears started to flow down my red cheeks and everything was blurry. I sobbed loudly. My sister. The girl that always took care of me while I had been so sad was gone. Forever. Just a year ago she died in cancer. She was only 19 when she died.

”Why. Why are my tears so heavy? Why are you gone? You were the only one that understood my thoughts and believed in me. Why....You were so young. I love you”

I took up the teddy bear that sat in the left corner of the treehouse. The teddy bear my sister once gave me on my birthday. It was all dusty and old. I lifted it up and hugged it. I kissed its nose and smiled. It meant everything to me. I could still feel the smell of my sister in the bear.

Suddenly I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. I almost jumped up on my legs in fear, but I couldn't since the ceiling was so low. Slowly with my heartbeat up to my throat I turned my head to see whose hand it was. The warm eyes stared at me. He wasn't smiling but his eyes said something else.

”Don't do it.”, he said.

I kept staring at him. Why was he there? How could he find her? So many questions without answers.

”What are you doing here?”, I asked and creeped back to where I sat in the beginning.

”I don't want you to die.”, he said shortly.

”Firstly, tell me why you came here for real and secondly tell me how you found me.”, I said with a determined voice.

I still couldn't believe what I was looking at. My one and only love. The guy I fell in love with when I was 12.

He sighed and sat down in front of me.

”We have been neighbours since we were toddlers. I remember we used to be friends and played in the Yiruma park as kids. You know that park with Japanese cherry blossom trees. We loved to be there. I loved to be there with you. You were my only friend. Then somehow we got separated as soon as school started, a lot of people wanted to be with me and dragged me away from you. I was too weak to actually leave them and stay with you, even though that was what I wanted. Everytime after school I followed you to the forest, without you knowing, I wanted to tell you how much I missed you but I was too shy. Then I noticed how you always went here to collect your minds and just be by yourself...but actually you never were alone. I was always here. I don't want you to commit suicide or disappear from this world. Who am I going to have a secret crush on then?”, Jimin said and started to blush as he smiled and turned away his tomato face.

I was shocked. He felt the same way as me...?

Jimin creeped over to me and it made me lean back, he put his hands behind mine and stood astride over my body. His nose touched mine. What was he doing? I didn't know what to do. Everything went so fast and our lips touched. His lips were so soft. My minds were empty at the moment, the only thing that circulated in my mind was that I was actually kissing Park Ji Min.

1 year later I'm standing in front of my apartment. In my hands I'm holding a bunny plushie and two tickets. It's my boyfriend's birthday today. Happily I'm running towards the many stairs, the excitement gives my energy and soon I am standing outside the door to my apartment, our apartment. Only two months ago we decided to move into an apartment together after being a couple for a year. I'm knocking on the door and slowly the sleepy boy is opening it. When he sees me he immediately starts to smile and is starting to chuckle.

”You are knocking on the door to your own home, you cutie.”, Jimin says and gives me a long hug.

”No! I'm almost dropping your presents, be careful!”, I exclaim and laugh. Jimin looks at the stuff I'm carrying.

”Oh no you didn't have to give me presents...I am just happy that I have you!”

He shouldn't feel that way. I love him and I want to give him presents. Period.

”Thanks to you I am still alive today, you mean everything to me. This present is nothing compared to what you have done for me.”, I'm saying and handing over the presents to him.

His eyes becomes big when he reads on the tickets. One week for two on a hotel, on Jeju island.

”You must be kidding me! This is the second best present ever!!”, Jimin exclaims and jumps up and down.

”Second? Then what is the first?”

”You.”, Jimin leans over to me and kisses me on my cheek. ”I seriously see you as my future wife.”

Is he serious? Is he already thinking of me as a wife? I can't control but to blush.

”I love you.”, Jimin whispers in my ear and slowly moves his lips over to mine and kisses them.

”I love you too.” I say. I must be the luckiest girl on earth.

Happy Birthday Jimin.