March 28, 1993

 

            Hi there. I just received a typewriter as a birthday gift from one of my relatives. I thought I should try typing on it once since I haven’t really touched the keys of a typewriter before. My family always tells me that I have really great vocabulary, which I don’t believe because I only use typical words every day, and so they got me one. It’s actually funny being in this family, yet it gets irritating for some time. I’m telling the truth.

 

            I think they always buy me stuffs that I don’t even need even when there’s no occasion going on. But that’s just my relatives. My parents are hardworking people. Business calling them over here, there and everywhere they go. It’s unfortunate whenever I try to get their separate attentions, but they always send me off to my room. They never want to be bothered, which I find annoying. But it’s fine since they told me this: “Happy birthday Lee Howon, our dear son! We wish you all the best in your life.”

 

            I wish all the best in my life too, to be honest.

 

            We all watched the football game in the living room by the way. Someone ordered fried chicken and pizza. I think it’s the usual food that Americans eat when watching sports at home. South Korea and China are playing today on my birthday. It’s obvious what team we’re siding on. You know, it starts with K and ends with A. But unfortunately, China won. Everyone in the room shouted at the TV, as if all the people in the event could hear them. I just shrugged and went to the bathroom to wash off the grease on my hands from the chicken and pizza.

 

            I remember when I was a kid. My relatives always crowd inside our house to watch a football match between South Korea and whichever country they’re playing against with. We didn’t have any food in front of us since we have to get it ourselves at a fast food restaurant or something. Every time South Korea wins, all of us would hug each other, or kiss each other’s cheeks, whichever’s fine since we’re family. I always say, “I feel exuberant!” and then all of them would smile and carry me to the kitchen or my room. I like those old times…

 

            My relatives said their goodbyes when I went to the living room again. They said their birthday wishes to me again, and then left.

 

            I hope they arrived to their own homes safely.

 

- Hoya

 

 

 

 

April 18, 1993

 

            Hi. It’s been 10 days since I typed out my first journal entry. It’s funny how I always think about doing another one. I know only girls do this, but I’m pretty sure boys like me, also makes one. The only difference is girls call it a diary while we boys call it a ‘journal’. I don’t really care about my own privacy, so it’s fine if someone reads it. I don’t care.

 

            I don’t keep secrets since I like to be open to all people. But I think no one really cares about someone like me. I mean, I’m not popular like those who play sports or just those plain-but-handsome-looking fellas that girls fall over heels with. I’m just another person who’s breathing the same air as them but they don’t know. They don’t know that I exist. I kinda blame myself for this too since I don’t participate in anything, not even in class. I think that’s why.

 

            My brother keeps secrets from my parents. One time when I was only a freshman, I caught him by our school with a girl I don’t know, and they were making out. He saw and rushed towards me, leaving the girl behind just looking at us. He pinned me to the wall and told me not to say anything about it to our parents, or else he’ll make my life just like in prisons. I nodded, and then he left with the girl I don’t know. I think my brother already left her with another one. I don’t know. He’s in university, living in a dorm probably with a roommate and all of his secrets.

 

            I had an interesting day by the way. Not only the cafeteria served foreign food for the first time, but there was this new girl and she sits by my side in front of the class. Her name is Leah. She’s quiet just like me, but the other ones around us threw her questions and I got to hear her voice. She wasn’t loud. She told them that she came from the United States and wanted to transfer as an exchange student here in Korea when they asked her where she was from. I like that she puts a smile whenever she talks. I could never do that when talking face to face with someone.

 

            Leah approached me after the bell rang since no one was around anymore but me. She asked me where the school office was, and I was surprised that I was able to tell her on my own. She thanked me while running to the door, and I felt a smile curved up on my face.

 

            I hope we can be friends soon.

 

- Hoya

 

 

 

 

May 5, 1993

 

Hello. Today, I would like to share what happened in my English class earlier today: “What’s brown and sticky?” my English teacher asked. And we asked “what”. And then he said, “A stick”. Ba-dam-tss.

 

No one laughed as always. My English teacher tells us English jokes almost every day, but we all couldn’t understand it so we just roll our eyes as if we understood. After that, he goes directly to the day’s discussion which is pretty boring. English is kind of my favorite, but not at the same time. It’s weird. I heard Leah chuckle though. I guess it was a funny joke.

 

Leah always talks to me every day in class and walks with me to the cafeteria now. She doesn’t sit with me though. She sits with the popular ones. Probably because she’s foreign and can speak English very well that they considered her to be one of them, but I have no idea. We also walk together after class until we reach the main gate. I always laugh whenever she speaks since her Korean isn’t really that good yet, and she’ll furrow her eyebrows and asks why I’m laughing. I just don’t answer.

 

            I find her cute whenever she smiles. She doesn’t smile with her teeth showing though… well, sometimes she does, but most of the time she doesn’t. Her upper lip hides behind her lower one and her dimples show too. She looks calm and really adorable to look at. She’s shorter than me by 15 centimeters. Of course, I’m a guy. I’m still growing taller.

 

            Leah once told me that she likes Korean pop music since she was still in the United States. I couldn’t relate since I don’t really listen to local music. I listen to American songs; hip hop, rap and r&b are my most favorite genres. She said she likes this group and that group. I just nodded along the way until we said our goodbyes. When I got home I searched for the groups she told me about. I listened to some of them earlier today and I was amazed. It’s really pop, but the ballads are good too.

 

            I should talk about it with Leah, maybe tomorrow. Korean pop is amazing.

 

- Hoya

 

 

 

 

May 6, 1993

 

            Leah jumped up and down in front of me when I started a conversation about Korean pop. I said I like the groups that she mentioned yesterday and then she started talking nonstop about them. I did a little research so I could keep on talking just like her.

 

            “Wow. I didn’t even know about that, Howon,” she said with wide eyes, “I should do a lot more research then,” and then she smiled.

 

            I was and I’m with her as a best friend, talking about random things that make us flabbergasted. I couldn’t be happier. I hope it stays this way.

 

- Hoya

 

 

 

 

May 15, 1993

 

            Hello there. I just got back from the hello kitty café down the city. I didn’t go there alone, but I went with Leah since she wanted to see how pink and cute it is. The iced coffee was good, and also the bread that we ordered. We actually shared it, but then she said it tasted very different than the usual bread she eats back in her hometown.

 

            I went to the restroom of the store too. It was blue; perfect for boys. And I didn’t know that hello kitty has a partner. I don’t know his name, but I’m pretty sure hello kitty and that male version of her, are a couple. I don’t even know why I’m talking about them as a couple. I mean, we view Mickey and Minnie mouse as a couple, right? I don’t know what I’m saying anymore.

 

            “Their restroom is blue.” I said to Leah after I went.

            “That would be weird if the boys’ restroom is colored pink, right, Howon?”

            “Yeah… I just thought about it since it’s all pink all around.”

            “Thanks for coming with me.”

            “It’s nothing.”

            “I mean, you looked and sounded like you didn’t want to go Howon.”

            “No, it’s really nothing.”

            “I hope so…”

 

            I don’t really know why Leah sounded like I didn’t really-really want to go. She should know that I’m always in the game when it comes to her. I think she’s a very special girl for me, and she will always be.

 

- Hoya

 

 

 

 

May 28, 1993

 

            I was having second thoughts on whether to say or not to say hi before all these, but I thought might as well just start it with this sentence. I don’t really feel good today. I don’t know why. I don’t even have a fever, but I feel really bad. I went to school anyway. My parents would kill me if they find me lying on bed all day. Well, not really.

 

            My parents… what can I say about them? I probably talked a little about them in my first entry, I’m pretty sure. They’re business people, very hardworking, very experienced and…. very strict when it comes to their children. Sometimes I just don’t want to talk to them, but I’m supposed to since that’s the way it is. Because they’re parents and we’re children that must communicate with them when we have problems. That doesn’t work for me and with my two brothers. Our parents are mostly in their offices typing documents and signing out papers as soon as possible.

 

            To be honest, I don’t like being a child of these business people.

 

            I feel very sick. I should stop right now.

 

- Hoya

 

 

 

 

June 7, 1993

 

            I don’t feel like writing today, but for the sake of this journal I will.

 

            I talked a little about how I felt sick in my last entry, right? Well, it turned out that I really had a fever and another thing… I kept hearing voices inside my house even when I was alone, until now too. I’m not scared or anything, but it’s really strange that I keep hearing someone or something, like a cat meowing and a clinging sound that metal garbage can makes whenever it falls on the ground.

 

            I shared it to Leah and she just told me that I’m being paranoid. She also told me not to worry about it too much, and I agree with her. It just makes me curious. I always ask myself why there are so much loud noises around me. I can’t sleep right either even when I always sleep at the same time every night.

 

            Another thing is my younger brother just told me that I had a panic attack early in the morning. He said that I started crying and backing away from him when he was asking me what time I’ll be coming home from school, and that he called our parents. But as usual, one of my parents just told him what to do. They both didn’t come home. I don’t remember a thing from earlier, so he told me how I looked and what I said. After that I found myself lying on my bed and I found a note on my table that said: “I’m just out buying some food, so hang in there until I get back.”

 

My brother skipped school just because of me. He got hit when our dad got home. I apologized, but he just said with a slight smile: “Don’t worry. I’ll be okay.”  I feel really bad and sorry for him… and for myself too.

 

I don’t like this at all. 

 

            - Hoya

 

 

 

 

September 13, 1993

 

I just got back from the hospital. I was confined.

 

The panic attacks actually continued on after my first one. I remember when I just recovered from my last one. I heard my brother’s voice from the living room. His voice was loud, the one that I’ve never heard before. I sneaked out of my room and eavesdropped. I saw him facing and talking to my parents with a tone. He told them that I’m better off in the hospital to get treated than seeing me panic over nothing. My parents argued over who’s going to visit me in the hospital if ever I get confined. I didn’t know if my parents were joking or not at that time, but I thought it was stupid that they’re worried over something so easy to handle. I mean, I can be there all alone. The nurses would hear me panic, so why worry?

 

My brother was the only one that made an effort to visit me in the hospital. He went before school started every morning, and I truly appreciate that. My older brother called and asked me typical questions like: “Are you okay?” “What happened?” “Are mom and dad there?” “Is the service [in the hospital] good?” And he told me his thoughts and ended with: “I hope you feel fine soon. I really hope you do. I’ll see you when I get home.”

 

Leah visited once after school. She told me she came running to my room, and I saw that she really did since she was panting really heavily. And then she suddenly cried and hugged me while saying something I couldn’t understand. She calmed down after I said stop.

 

“When did it first happen?” Leah asked.

“I don’t know.”

“You should know.”

“But I don’t know.”

“Was this after you told me that you have been hearing things, Howon?”

“Maybe… maybe not…”

“I’m worried.” she said with a really low voice, and then she held my hand until sunset. We didn’t really have a conversation since she just stared at my hand the whole time she was there. I can’t wait to see her again.

 

It’s almost 12 AM. I should try going to sleep. I’m starting senior year tomorrow...

 

- Hoya

 

 

 

 

October 2, 1993

 

            I don’t really know what happened, but all I saw last was Leah’s face. She looked scared and worried. I don’t know why until I found myself in the hospital room again. My brother brought the typewriter, so I can do something while I’m in the hospital. All of my family members were in the room having coffee in styrofoam cups. They were all quiet until I spoke up.

 

I asked why I’m in my previous hospital room again and they all looked at each other. My mom told me that I had a panic attack again and Leah was the one who saw me. She also told me that Leah said that I was having hallucinations.

 

The doctor came in and asked if all my family members could step out for a minute, so that she could talk to me one on one.

 

“How are you, Howon?”

“I’m obviously not fine.” I replied as calm as I could.

“Tell me… what did you see earlier today?”

“I don’t know. It’s all blurry.”

“Think about it, Howon.”

“I think… I think I saw a person.”

“What does that person look like?”

“The person looked like a kid, a he, not older than probably 4 years old.”

“Do you know him?”

“I think so… His face was familiar.”

“Tell me about him.”

“I had a childhood friend… best friend. His name was Sungyeol. We played almost every day outside until the sun goes down, and our parents would shout at us because we came later than the usual time. Those were enjoyable days.”

“I see. What happened to him?”

“I don’t know. He just suddenly disappeared. No one told me about it… that he was involved in a car accident and he was just gone like that.”

 

The doctor told me that I’ll most likely get out of the hospital at the end of the month and go to school again. By the way, they gave me medicines to drink, so it would prevent me from having panic attacks. I hope I can get out of here as soon as I recover and I should probably call Leah to say thanks.

 

To be honest, I really miss Sungyeol. May you rest in peace, best friend.

 

- Hoya

 

 

 

 

November 30, 1993

 

            It’s been a month. I got out from the hospital on October 30. I didn’t feel like writing too much anymore. I always ask myself why I’m still writing these entries even if I don’t want to. It doesn’t make sense.

 

            I skipped all of my classes this month and no one in my family knew except for my younger brother. Leah keeps on texting, calling, leaving voicemails behind for me. I want to call her, but I don’t want anyone right now. I just want to be alone.

 

            The medicines work, I think. I only had one panic attack this month. They also gave me sleeping pills since I can’t sleep at all. My insomnia is really extreme and it’s getting worse and worse, also my hallucinations, but I have these medicines to help me.

 

My younger brother sleeps in my room now. He prevents me from screaming at night and from seeing things too. He covers my eyes and whispers calmly near my ear so I would stop and calm down.

 

I’ll go to school tomorrow. Don’t worry.

 

- Hoya

 

 

 

 

December 7, 1993

 

            I don’t want to go to school anymore. Everyone’s staring at me like I’m sort of a freak. Now I know what the popular people feels like when they’re being stared at, except mine’s probably not the good kind. The student body probably knows what happened to me the last time and it makes me very uncomfortable. At least the teachers approached me asking if I was okay. They always watch out for me during class.

 

            Leah gave her notes to me for all the classes I’ve missed. She told me that she wrote it for me and that she has her own notes written on her notebook.

 

            “You got thinner.” she said when we were packing up.

            “I haven’t…”

            “I can tell. You were a little chubby the last time I saw you.”

            “I haven’t looked at a mirror yet.”

            “I’ll walk you home.”

            “You don’t have to.”

            “I want to, Howon.”

 

            Leah talked to me about everything that had happened at school while I was gone. One of the popular guys is now dating the new foreign exchange student from Australia. Mrs. Lee retired on November 27, when I was gone. A Korean pop band performed at the school theatre, and all the girls fell over heels for all the members. The ever nerdy girl in our class achieved a scholarship for a university even though it’s too early. And Leah has a boyfriend now… she told me all about him. His name is Woohyun. I kinda clenched my fists that were on my sides, but I thought Leah deserves to have someone like Woohyun.

 

            Who wants to be someone who panics every so often? No one. Not even me.

 

- Hoya

 

 

 

 

December 25, 1993

 

            “Merry Christmas and have a good one” is what they always say. I actually like that phrase. It makes my holiday really lively, somewhat. Last time I was in my house celebrating my birthday, now my family and I were in my relatives’ house. It was crowded, but they handled the party very well. I saw my cousins that I haven’t seen in a very long time. They grew up so tall; taller than me, but the girls are still shorter than all of us.

 

            The adults made me play games even when I didn’t want to, but I must follow along since they’re older than me. My younger brother played as well. He’s good at all the party games even when it’s new to him. Very amazing…

 

            Leah called me earlier today to say her greetings. She was with Woohyun, maybe they’re still together until now. I don’t know, and I don’t really want to know. My day would be better if Leah’s here with me right now, but I would probably feel selfish if I brought her along with me in my relatives’ house. I’m thankful that she had time to call me though. It really made my day even better.

 

            Let’s talk about the gifts, shall we? I got books, pens, notebooks, and books again from my relatives. I already stocked them in my school supply closet – it’s already full of books. My parents got me a cd player and earphones. I felt great when I first saw it since I never had one before, and I really wanted to listen to my cds. I’m actually listening to music while typing out this entry. And then my older brother, who just came home from university 2 days ago, got me a grey and black varsity jacket and I thought it was cool to wear during this time of season. And last but not the least is my younger brother who gave me a homemade card saying: “Merry Christmas! Remember that all of us love you even if you don’t believe it.”

 

            Of course I believe that they love me. I always do.

 

            I got them some things too, but I waited until we got home since I didn’t really shop for all my relatives. I bought my dad batteries for his clock in his office. He doesn’t have time to buy it, so I thought that it would be a big help if I buy him batteries. For my mom, I gave her a picture frame with our family photo in it. I made it myself by the way, so it’s a very special one. Since I’m really cheap, I just made homemade cards for my older and younger brothers. I don’t have a job, so that also means that I don’t have any money. But thank goodness they received it with warm smiles.

 

I actually have something for Leah too, but I don’t see her until we decide to call each other and meet up somewhere. I’m going to give her a bracelet that’s really special to me. It’s my favorite bracelet. I should call her now.

 

Merry Christmas and have a good one!

 

- Hoya

 

 

 

 

January 7, 1994

 

            My doctor called us saying it was an emergency. Turns out it was.

 

            I’m just going to be direct since I don’t want to leave any suspense…

 

            She told us that I have a very rare disease of the brain, and it came from genetics. It has its own stages, and it matches what I’m experiencing for the last months and now. She said that there’s a cure for it, but we have to fly to America. She said it’s the only way…

 

            The funny, yet sad thing is my parents’ businesses got bankrupt all of a sudden and they had to share their own money to the companies so that they keep on going.  They didn’t know that I have this disease. We didn’t know.

 

            All we know is that I just keep on drinking my medicines up just like the batch of doctors said and I’m going to be fine.

 

            My parents don’t have any money to go to America. They can’t borrow from our relatives since they only have money for their own families. Mom gave up and burst out crying inside the room when the doctor told us about the final progression which includes death.

 

I don’t exactly know anymore. I keep hearing everything inside my head so clearly that I just want the world to stop moving around so I can think of something that doesn’t involve this disease or my family or money or anything. I want to be alone so I can remember all the things that happened to me, the moments I shared with everyone that I know and love which I know is... impossible.

 

I could collapse in any second, minute, hour, day, or month now. I just hope I won’t for a few days more.

 

- Hoya

 

 

 

 

January 23, 1994

 

            So, I met up with Leah after a very long time earlier today. I don’t go to school now, because I know it’s useless when I’m in a condition like this. It honestly.

 

            But anyway, Leah and I walked along the Han River after school was done. I waited for her outside the gate, so she wouldn’t have to go to my house anymore. We were quiet along the way; only the wind and everything that makes sounds were audible.

 

            I didn’t know what to say until she started a conversation. I was really nervous, though I don’t know why I felt that way…

 

            “What’s up?”

            “What?”

            “Any good or bad news you might want to share?”

            “No… No… Not really.”

            “Oh, is that so? How about what happened last Christmas?”

            “I got some things from my family.”

            “That’s nice Howon.”

            “How about you, did you get anything?”

            “Who doesn’t get presents on Christmas? Of course… my parents got me a jukebox and Woohyun bought me a huge teddy bear. It’s almost as huge as a 5 year old.”

 

            Leah told me all about what had happened to her on Christmas and New Years’ day. I felt really happy seeing her smile. I almost felt that it was May once again, but it was just a feeling. It was getting late, so I just made my move…

 

            “Do you like dancing Howon?”

            “Yes… Yes I do. I love dancing.”

            “Can you show me some of your moves then?”

            “Leah, do you want to dance with me?”

            “Howon…”

 

            I let her put an earphone by herself since I might fail if I do it. I pressed the forward button four times and then the play button. I held her lightly on the hips and she did the same when she put both her hands on my shoulders. I haven’t danced with any girls yet, so I don’t know how to spin her around. I just didn’t. I couldn’t even look at her eyes which were looking right directly to mine.

 

            “Howon, is there something wrong?”

            “Nothing’s wrong.” I said right after she finished.

            “I’m glad I met you.”

            “Me too… It’s weird not seeing you for almost every day.”

            “I feel the same. I always mention you to Woohyun. He said he would like to meet you someday. That would be nice; two of my best boys meeting in one place. I can already see it in my head.”

 

            I didn’t know what to say right after she told me that. Will I be able to meet her boyfriend soon? Maybe, maybe not… No one knows. I gave her the bracelet that I was talking about last December when we got to her house. She told me she loves it very much and that she’ll treasure it forever. I kissed her on her forehead, and then I left without saying anything. That was the last and will be the last physical interaction I’ll ever have with her. I just hope she isn’t mad at me for doing it.

 

            Hope… Is there really hope?

 

- Hoya

 

 

 

 

February 8, 1994

 

            Hi there. I just got back from the hospital, I visited him there. He’s in a critical state right now. He doesn’t respond and often stares at one corner of the room. It’s unfortunate, I don’t like seeing him that way; I hate that this is happening to him right now. It isn’t fair.

 

            I’m Howon’s younger brother by the way. I’m sorry, I should have mentioned it in the very beginning, next to ‘hi there’. I found his papers on his desk that are neatly arranged by date. I always see and hear him typing every night when he couldn’t sleep even though I tried to give him sleeping pills, but he just puts it down on the table next to his typewriter when I close my eyes. He said to me once, “What can sleeping pills do when I’m already in this state? I don’t need it. It’s useless.” It makes me guilty whenever I recall it inside my head.

 

            Our mom cries every so often every time she hears his son’s name, Howon. I haven’t seen her cry since our grandparents passed away. I want to say ‘everything’s going to be alright’, but we know everything’s not going to be that way. Well… maybe in movies, sometimes. Dad holds on to his tears even when he really wants to cry out so badly in front of all of us, but he doesn’t. He needs to stay strong for the family, I think that’s why. Every family needs at least one strong member to live on. Our oldest brother came home again as soon as he received the call from our parents. He literally rushed over to the hospital to come see us, especially Howon. He’s the other strong and manly one in the family. I think he works at a restaurant in his university now since he told my parents that he’ll help them pay for the hospital fees even if it’s just little money.

 

            I’m doing everything I can for my brother, Howon. I try to go visit him before school, but I always end up late. I talked to my homeroom teacher about it, and she said she understands and she’ll go discuss it to the principle and the other teachers I have. She’s nice… I then buy food after school and go directly to the hospital to check on him even though our oldest brother stays there until evening since they don’t allow visitors to stay overnight. Our parents are working hard and late nowadays, but they visit as soon as they can. We never know what might happen…

 

 

 

 

February 18, 1994

 

            I brought the typewriter to Howon’s hospital room now since I’ll be staying here even though I’m not allowed to stay overnight. My homeroom teacher talked to me on the 15^th and she told me that they decided that I should take some days off of school to watch my brother, but I still need to go attend when our eldest brother is free. I think Howon mentioned our parents on what happened to their companies and how they’re working overtime just to get their money back to pay for the bills. I feel bad honestly. I can’t help with anything when it comes to money.

 

            Howon’s the same as most days that passed. He’s becoming thinner even when we feed him with the limited amount of food that the doctor told us to give him.

 

            I didn’t tell the story about what had happened before we called 119…

 

            Howon’s doing the usual thing he does, prepare food for his self. I think he finished typing his journal and then went out in the kitchen. Our parents just got home from work and they felt exhausted after a long day. I was doing homework, and our eldest brother was still in university. Howon greeted them with a smile on his face before sitting on the table. I looked at him and I thought he looked pale and sick, but at the same time I ignored it because he looked like that even from before. We all talked about a certain part of our days and Howon mentioned about a girl named Leah. I don’t really know her, but Howon calls her name in his sleep sometimes. He said that he met up with her at the Han River and that he had a great time. I believed him; his smile was huge.

 

            After he finished, he went up, puts his plate in the sink and he suddenly fell to the ground. We rushed over to where he was. My parents kept calling his name, but he didn’t respond at all. We noticed that he was staring one way, nothing else.

 

            Mom shouted at me: “CALL 119 NOW!”

            Then dad: “HURRY!”

           

            And so I called as fast as I could…

 

 

 

 

February 28, 1994

 

FATAL FAMILIAL INSOMNIA - a medical autosomal dominant genetic disorder which is caused by a DNA mutation of the prion protein which is found most notably in the brain affecting the thalamus giving rise to progressive insomnia and dementia.

 

 

 

 

March 26, 1994

 

            Howon’s friend visited today. Her name is Leah. I finally met her. I actually left her alone with him in the hospital room for a short while. I thought I should because I might be a bother for the two of them. I used the stairs to go down so she could spend time with him more.

 

            When I got to the ground floor, I saw vending machines and went towards it. I remembered when Howon always made me go with him whenever he saw vending machines in cafeterias or malls. He’d kick it until he gives up and just put the money in. He always gets the sour gummy worms and would share it to me while walking. I miss those days honestly…

 

            I got back in the room after 30 minutes, and I saw Leah’s eyes were red. I asked her if something was wrong, and then she shook her head. She stayed quiet for about an hour, staring out the window until I started a conversation with her.

 

            “I asked him if there was something wrong… he replied with nothing.”

            “He’s always like that.”

            “I mean, he could’ve told me about all this.”

            “Howon doesn’t like telling people what he does, or how he feels. He doesn’t even tell his own family, but we’re used to his ways.”

            “He told me he loves to dance…”

            “That one, we all know. He used to dance ever since we were kids until his junior year, but then he stopped. We don’t know why until now. He just stopped so suddenly.”

 

            Leah talked to Howon for the last time, and then she kissed his forehead before she left. She is kind and sweet. No wonder Howon always mentioned her. I can actually feel his happiness until now.

 

 

 

 

March 27, 1994

 

            I called the nurses right after I woke up. I felt that something was wrong, and then I heard beeping sounds coming from Howon’s side of the room. All the nurses ran down to him and all I saw was Howon being rushed towards the emergency room early in the morning. I also called my parents and brother to come over, and so they did.

 

            My mom and I are waiting inside the hospital room, and the other members are down by the emergency door waiting for the doctor to come out. It’s already evening. We didn’t even eat because we don’t have the time. We are sick, and worried about Howon by a lot.

 

            I pray that he’ll be alright… please.

 

 

 

 

March 28, 1994

 

00:00:00 AM

 

Happy 19^th birthday…

 

May you rest in paradise, Howon. Thank you for everything you shared with us, physically and/or emotionally. You’ll be remembered forever by everyone that loved and still loving you.

 

I hope you felt exuberant… because you always did.

 

 

 

 

∞