The blurred lines (between fantasy and reality)
The blurred lines (between fantasy and reality)
The first time it happens, Jongin is five. For a moment, all he sees are wide eyes and pale skin. He closes his eyes in fear and when he opens them again, he’s back in his room, alone. Jongin is young then, unable to process the things that happen around him, or to him. In the end, he remembers nothing.
The second time it happens, Jongin is in his last year of Junior High. School has him knocked out cold, breathing hard and labored, and the next thing he knows, he is no longer in his room: no longer around his blue, Pororo bedsheets, no longer wearing junior high jogging pants. Instead his bed is covered in black and white sheets but as he looks around, he realizes it's still his room. He feels a bit panicky.
Maybe mom changed the sheets last night. Jongin tries to come up with an explanation, but he can’t bring himself to believe his own words. He finds himself walking to the bathroom, feet moving of their own accord, and, at first, he doesn't see anything weird but when he looks into the mirror it isn't him that's looking back at him.
He stumbles back, heart beating wildly, because the older boy looking back at him can't possibly be him. But it is.
Jongin touches his hair and the reflection does too. His hair is long, longer than the school's policy haircut, and he's taller and leaner than he can remember.
"Jongin!"
Jongin turns around and is surprised to see a boy whose skin is pale, so pale, with short hair and dark, wide eyes. His heart skips a beat.
"There you are! We're going to be late! Hurry up!"
The person's voice is deep and alluring, and Jongin reaches out to touch the person's cheek. The touch feels familiar, though he's certain he has never seen this person before. The boy stares at him, his eyes asking a silent question. Jongin doesn’t have any answers.
"You're warm." Jongin says, dumbly, as his palm rests on the boy's cheek. There is an odd sense of rightness in the feeling, in the warmth he is feeling.
The boy glares at him.
"Of course I'm warm. It means I'm alive, idiot." The boy shakes his hand away and tells him to finish getting ready so they can get going.
Jongin is a bit unsure with what exactly he is to do but, once again, his body seems to know what it’s doing. He takes a bath, picks some clothes, clothes Jongin doesn’t even remember owning, and walks out of the house with the boy. They walk to a nearby cafe where there are more people around his age, some faces are recognizable, faces that attend the Junior High that Jongin goes to, others he is seeing for the first time.
He finds himself understanding the conversations that take place, starting his own even, and telling stories from memories that he isn’t sure are actually his. There is an odd sense of detachment as he interacts, as if he's allowed to feel, see, hear all that goes around him but he can't control his actions, much less the flow of events.
The day passes by in a blur and Jongin finds himself back in the house, with the boy whose name he still doesn't know, another strange occurrence in the grand list of things.
"Hyung," he starts just to be safe because he can't exactly call the boy 'Hey' especially since he acts like he's older. The boy turns around, eyes wide, and his smile is probably splitting his face but Jongin’s heart feels warm, content.
"You called me hyung! You never call me hyung! Jongin–ah, are you okay?" His voice is deep and filled with laughter, urging Jongin to laugh along.
Jongin isn’t given enough time to explain his choice of words.
"So? Why call me hyung?" The boys smirks. "What is it that you want that you have to call me hyung and not the usual 'Kyungsoo yah'?"
Jongin doesn't really remember much after that.
The next thing he knows is he's back in his bedroom, not a minute has passed and the weekend has just rolled around. The day’s events seem like a faraway dream, fading away slowly as the day progresses but the boy’s name is embedded into his memory. Kyungsoo.
When the night comes, Jongin lies in his bed and closes his eyes. He imagines Kyungsoo standing in front of him and stretches his hand out in front of him. He touches nothing but air, but he can still feel the warmth of Kyungsoo's cheek against his palm.
The third time it happens, it's during Jongin’s summer break and the heat is making him a little dizzy. He turns on the air conditioner in his room, lying down as he sets it to the highest level, and closes his eyes.
When he opens them, he finds himself in a classroom. He watches Sehun, his best friend, walk towards him the minute their teacher dismisses the class. Jongin’s eye twitches when he notices that Sehun is wearing the uniform of a school they don't go to.
"Hey, we should go meet the hyungs for lunch," Sehun says and Jongin feels himself nod and pack his things immediately.
They stop by the restroom first and Jongin catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He's wearing the same uniform as Sehun and it's a high school uniform. The uniform of a school whose acceptance he turned down along with Sehun just few weeks ago. He gapes at his reflection. The outside of his shirt pocket reads ‘Year 1’ and Jongin doesn't know what to make of it because he's still in Junior High and he won't even be going to this school.
"Jongin ah, let's go." Sehun rouses him from his thoughts and they walk out of the restroom. Jongin's head is filled with so many questions. He doesn't understand what this is supposed to mean.
They manage to make small talk as they continue to walk which surprises him because he doesn’t even know what they are talking about, but Sehun doesn’t show any signs of suspicion.
When they reach the field, he sees the same people from a memory he's slightly forgotten. It feels weird because he can’t remember the faces of those who didn’t attend his Junior High, but looking at them now, he knows it's them, that they’re his friends.
"Sehun ah, Jongin ah! What took you guys so long? We were hungry!" A tall guy with short black hair says and his voice is so deep that it takes Jongin by surprise. He doesn't expect it but, at the same time, he does. Jongin vaguely registers the name 'Chanyeol'.
"Yah, Chanyeol–ah! We told you we could eat, don't blame the freshmen for your hunger issues." A short boy says as he slaps Chanyeol on the head. The name 'Baekhyun' enters Jongin’s mind.
"Stop it, you two." Another short boy says, with hair a bit longer and shining crimson red under the sun. Baekhyun and Chanyeol have the decency to break apart their almost-brawl. Jongin looks at the boy who last spoke and he finds himself saying and smiling, "Hey, Joonmyun–hyung."
He and Sehun sit down then, and that's when they notice another presence behind Joonmyun.
"Jongin ah, Sehun ah, meet Kyungsoo, he's my..." Jongin doesn't hear anything past that because all of a sudden Kyungsoo is there smiling at him. His eyes are wide but they crinkle as he smiles, his skin is still as pale as he remembers and his heart begins to beat radically.
"Nice to meet you."
Kyungsoo bows and stretches out his hand. When Jongin shakes it, his breath hitches and his heart is beating so loud now that it’s all he can hear.
He bolts upright and finds himself in his room. The air condition has cooled his room to a comfortable temperature but he's sweating. He checks the time and realizes not much has passed. Wiping his forehead with his hand, he lies back down trying to cool himself. He takes deep breaths and tries to recollect his thoughts.
He doesn't understand the meaning of those dreams, if that is what they are: dreams.
Jongin looks at his hand and remembers the warmth of Kyungsoo's hand in his and the electricity that coursed through his entire body. He doesn't understand it, there’s no way he could, but he knows one thing's for sure: all of it comes back to Kyungsoo.
He falls back asleep that afternoon and doesn't dream.
When he wakes up, he can barely remember the dream he had of Kyungsoo. He can't remember details, can’t remember the other faces. All he remembers is Kyungsoo and his smile and the warmth of Kyungsoo’s hand in his.
The next time it happens, Jongin closes his eyes to blink and when he opens them he's back to where Kyungsoo exists. He looks around, searching for him and his eyes focus in on the huge graduation banner that hangs in front of the stage. The audience is clapping at something the announcer has just said.
"Jongin, the principal called your name." Jongin looks to his back and sees Sehun there, still in that high school uniform he wore from last time. He feels himself nod and stand up to approach the stage. The principal shakes his hand while his parents give him his medals. He gets called on stage a number of times after that. He receives several honors ranging from best in Math to being at the top of his batch for that school year. All five of his medals are gold.
He realizes that on his school uniform's pocket patch are the words 'Year 3'. He doesn't have much time to ponder on it because the senior class is being called on stage now.
"Do Kyungsoo."
And Jongin feels like all the breath has been knocked out of his lungs as he sees Kyungsoo walk up the stage in his toga accepting the diploma with his parents and then bowing. Kyungsoo gets called up the stage a few more times for a few special awards. A silver medal for placing second in a contest, a gold medal for being best in English, and another silver for being the batch's salutatorian.
Sehun and Jongin agree to congratulate their seniors for graduating. Jongin's heart is on overdrive, pounding like there's no tomorrow, as he looks for Kyungsoo in the crowd. And Kyungsoo stands there, smiling up at him with those eyes of his, the way in which Jongin’s heart feels like it’s drowning.
"Jongin," Kyungsoo starts. "Congratulations on all your awards." He says excitedly and Jongin feels a blush decorate his cheeks. He palms his nape in embarrassment.
"Thanks hyung." He smiles sheepishly as Kyungsoo walks forward.
"Well?" Kyungsoo smirks at him and Jongin laughs and he doesn't know why but it feels right to laugh. He leans forward with a small smile on his face, eyes staring into Kyungsoo’s.
"Congratulations as well hyung." He whispers because his face is only centimeters apart from Kyungsoo's and Kyungsoo is closing his eyes so he does, too.
There is a second of hesitation but then he feels his lips touch something soft and he knows it's Kyungsoo's lips on his. He caresses Kyungsoo's cheek to deepen and prolong the kiss for a little while. The warmth on his hand and on his lips is so real that he knows he isn't dreaming but when he pulls away and opens his eyes, there is no Kyungsoo in front of him.
He doesn't forget anything from that dream. He remembers everything, the kiss and the warmth embedded into his lips, hand and heart.
He stops counting after that.
Jongin doesn’t want to think of himself as crazy but the dreams, if he can still call them that, are getting even worse. They’re appearing sporadically now, and their frequency frustrates him to no end. One minute, he’s having dinner with his family and the next, he’s sitting next to Kyungsoo.
He vaguely considers telling his mom because mothers are usually supposed to know things, but he shakes his head and turns down the idea. His mother’s best may entail a session with a psychiatrist. He doesn’t really like the idea of spilling his heart out to a shrink who may just convince his parents he’s crazy, which he’s sure he’s not. Maybe.
Jongin needs to tell someone what's going on with him. He needs someone to tell him that he isn't going crazy. He contemplates about telling his best friend but he knows Sehun will just be like his mother. He thinks about calling Sehun and just going with it but realizes he doesn't exactly have the right words to say to his best friend, he doesn't even know where to start. He holds and stares at his phone one last time before tossing it on his bed and walking towards his desk.
On his desk are two letters from two different schools. He takes the one on the right and he thumbs the embossed seal of the school.
"SM Academy," he reads aloud and skims the words that are already printed on this brain.
We are pleased to tell you...
100% scholarship
Congratulations!
Principal,
Lee Soo Man
He puts the paper down and grabs the other one on the left. It looks like an invitation instead of an acceptance letter.
The header of the letter reads 'School of Performing Arts'. The letter is different from the other in more ways than one. This letter just screams of art and talent.
Congratulations, Mr. Kim Jongin!
100% scholarship
See you next school year!
He puts the letter down and looks around for his phone, picking it up and dialing Sehun’s number the next second.
"Hello? Jongin?"
"Sehun," Jongin doesn't mean to sound desperate. He sighs, "do you think I made the right decision, picking SOPA over SMA?"
Sehun laughs on the other line like Jongin's question is one of the stupidest things he's heard.
"Look Jongin, even if you were to regret it now, there's nothing you can do about it. You've already sent SMA your letter of declination."
"I know." He combs his hand through his hair in frustration. "I know that but–"
"But what? Weren't you the one that told me SOPA was for you? That SOPA would give you what SMA couldn't offer? That SOPA would make you the dancer you wanted to be?"
For a moment, Jongin closes his eyes and he imagines himself wearing a blue blazer, the pocket having the logo of SMA, beside him stands another boy with wide eyes. They're holding hands.
He opens his eyes shocked, unable to form words.
"Jongin? Jongin, are you still there?"
"Yeah," he replies, voice a little shaky. "Yeah, I'm still here."
He hears Sehun sigh from the other line. "Look, if you ever have doubts again, think of it like this. What do you want? You want to be a dancer, right? Will SMA make your dreams come true or SOPA? It's all about what you want Jongin. And you want to be a dancer. SOPA will make you a dancer."
When Sehun finishes, Jongin feels like his heart is being torn in two. There is this feeling like this isn't right, as if he isn't meant to be a dancer.
"Thanks Sehun." He manages to sigh.
He barely registers what Sehun replies to him.
Jongin packs his things as soon as the call ends, puts extra clothes in a bag and walks out of his house and dashes for the dance studio where he takes his lessons. He needs to remind himself what his priorities are. He needs to remember what it feels like to dance and how right it is for him.
When the music starts, Jongin lets himself be taken over by the music. He lets the music set his mood and then he begins to move his arms and legs to the music. He closes his eyes so he doesn't have to see his pitiful reflection. A boy who doesn't know what he wants or what he needs.
He dances until he can barely move and he ends with a flop to the ground, panting like there's no tomorrow. The feeling of wrongness has gone but somehow it is replaced by nothing. He doesn't feel right. He feels stuck in limbo, as if there's no choice to be made because both choices are correct.
A chuckle escapes his lips at his analogy.
"I'm going to SOPA. I'm going to be a dancer. Who cares about SMA and Kyungsoo?" He whispers to himself.
After all, he is sure, mostly, that Kyungsoo is just a figment of his imagination. He closes his eyes and he sees himself wearing his yellow blazer from SOPA and he's smiling at someone, but that someone has his back to him. He wishes for the person to turn just so he can see his face. He has this feeling like he knows who this person is. Maybe it's Kyungsoo.
The boy turns slightly, as if someone called his name. Jongin doesn't know for sure but before he can fully see the face of the boy his eyes have opened.
He groans.
Another dream. Dream? Can he still call it a dream?
Vision.
Another vision.
That sounds a little better, he thinks.
As soon as his break ends, Jongin tries his best to forget about Kyungsoo, which is hard, very hard, because ever since he made up his mind to go to SOPA, his visions have increased.
He no longer finds himself spending time with Kyungsoo in the yard of what he assumed to be SMA but he finds himself sneaking glances of Kyungsoo from a convenience store. Sometimes he finds himself talking to Kyungsoo, more mature and their discussions a little deeper.
Sometimes he finds himself looking in the mirror eye to eye with Kyungsoo as he watches him dance. This vision occurs frequently but he knows they're not the same, they're from different times. Sometimes he sees himself older, more tired if the weariness in his eyes are any indication, and wonders if he’s seeing the future. Other times, he sees the Jongin he knows he is, young and next to Kyungsoo.
Jongin fixes his yellow blazer, dusting off any invisible dirt.
Today is his first day of school.
He somewhat manages to convince himself that Kyungsoo doesn’t exist, that he really is, and will be, just a figment of his imagination. He shouldn't be so scared, Jongin tells himself, at the idea of never meeting Kyungsoo again.
"Kyungsoo doesn't exist." He repeats to his reflection and grabs his backpack.
He never believes it. He can't believe it. Because somehow, somewhere he knows Kyungsoo exists.
Jongin makes it a point to study so hard all he thinks about is Math, English and Science. When he isn't studying, Jongin makes it a point to dance his anxiety away. It's not because he's determined to graduate as the valedictorian--contrary to his parents’ belief--or even to be able to become eligible for a dancing scholarship early on in his high school career--contrary to what Sehun thinks. The answer is quite simple, really.
It's not that Jongin doesn't want to graduate at the top of his class because he does, but he doesn't really need to overwork himself to this point. It is because when he is studying and dancing, he doesn't have to feel this longing for something he can't have. This way, he can't feel this desire for someone he doesn't know, he can't feel anything but the emotions the music makes him feel. This way he can avoid a certain wide eyed boy who still plagues him in his visions.
Jongin considers telling Sehun. He feels like he’s going to lose it if he doesn’t talk to someone about it, if he doesn’t have someone else’s opinion.
He’s at a convenience store close to school with Sehun when he’s mulling over this thought, picking some junk food he’d like to eat while he studies for a quiz later that night. His hand reaches out to the last Pocky box on the shelf and he thinks he’s been through something like this.
He has done this before.
When his hands close in on the box, another hand clamps over his and he’s surprised at how familiar the touch is. His eyes trail up the hand and his breath catches in his throat when he looks at the face right next to his.
There, right in front of Jongin, is Do Kyungsoo, all wide eyes and fair skin. Their hands are still touching.
“I’m sorry.” Jongin says with a cough and he quickly adds, “You can have it.”
“Excuse me?” Kyungsoo says surprised by Jongin’s kindness and Jongin gulps and closes his eyes briefly to regain composure because Kyungsoo is right in front of him but how can this be?
“You can have it.” Jongin hands Kyungsoo the Pocky and turns away so quickly he nearly gives himself a headache.
“Kyungsoo.” Jongin whispers, his heart is hammering in his chest and he can’t breathe.
“Jongin! There you are! Hurry up!” Sehun wraps an arm over his shoulders and guides him to the counter. Jongin is too distracted as he looks at his hand where Kyungsoo’s hand landed. The warmth feels so familiar but he’s sure he’s never held Kyungsoo’s hand before.
Not to mention, he’s sure he’d convinced himself Kyungsoo wasn’t real.
“Good night.” Jongin says to Sehun when they’ve already settled, in the bed for Jongin and the sleeping bag on the floor for Sehun.
“Are you okay, Jongin ah?” Sehun asks softly. Jongin is a bit taken aback by the question but replies with a soft yes.
“Don’t lie to me. I’ve noticed how much you’ve changed since summer ended. You’re distracted even when you’re either studying or dancing. I know there’s something wrong and we’ve been friends for a really long time, so tell me Jongin, what’s wrong with you?” Sehun shifts so he can look at Jongin’s form on his bed. Jongin turns to face Sehun, too. He sighs. He wanted to tell Sehun anyways, maybe now would be the perfect time.
“You have to promise me you won’t tell anyone, not my parents or your parents or even that junior, what was his name again?” Jongin begins.
“Lu Han hyung?”
“Yeah him. And you have to promise not to judge me. that you won’t stop being my friend.” Jongin says a bit tentative. He’s really going to do it. Sehun nods a bit warily. Jongin takes a deep breath and tells Sehun all the things he’s been dying to say. From how his dreams started, how they turned into visions when he blinked from time to time to how they turned into alternate/possible realities when he dreamed. He ends with meeting Kyungsoo at the store that day.
Sehun is quiet throughout the whole thing. He looks deep in thought but Jongin isn’t quite sure. Sehun always looks deep in thought to be honest.
“You know what I think?" Sehun begins after a period of silence. "Maybe you’re seeing the future.” Sehun shares and Jongin nods slowly. He’s thought of that to but never really considered it. How can one see the future?
“Why don’t you sleep and when you dream of a vision, tell me what happens and I’ll help you theorize what exactly may be going on with you?” Sehun suggests and Jongin is too tired to even retaliate. It’s not like he minds, on the contrary, he actually likes the idea. But that night he doesn't dream, no visions, no alternate or possible realities, no Kyungsoo. Just a dreamless sleep he's been dying to have.
When he wakes up, he feels well rested and it’s odd, because he wants to see Kyungsoo.
"Sometimes when I blink, I get visions.” Jongin explains later that day, “the visions are just visions, like something I see while my eyes are closed. I don't know what is the trigger but sometimes I get them, sometimes I don't. The dreams are a bit more complicated. The visions are just me seeing things, sure I feel and hear things as well but it's still detached, like I'm just an observer of sorts. The dreams, however, are as if I'm living that life. I'm not just seeing or touching. I'm living it."
"That sounded so emotionally draining,” Sehun says, nodding as he takes it all in. “No wonder you look tired recently."
Jongin bites back the I am tired because I avoid sleeping that rests on the tip of his tongue.
"You have no idea." Jongin says instead. He doesn't tell Sehun that he's feeling better and well-rested because he didn't dream last night. He doesn’t tell Sehun that the wish to see Kyungsoo is burning him inside out.
"Now that you've actually seen Kyungsoo, do you think you are finally in love with him?" Sehun shouts, when Jongin is taking a shower and Jongin pretends he doesn't hear it because he doesn't want to answer, but the words slip past his lips anyway, voice barely over a whisper as he voices his emotions. "I already was. Ever since the first dream."
Maybe Sehun knows, Jongin thinks.
He looks at his hand again, the one that touched Kyungsoo’s and, had once cupped Kyungsoo's cheek in a dream that seems so faint that Jongin isn’t sure if he’s made it up. He brings it to his own cheek. The cold shower makes it hard but he still feels the warmth, he still feels it. It's a supernatural warmth that seems to be born out of dreams and visions but he likes how weird it is. Likes how no matter how many times he convinces himself that Kyungsoo isn't real, the warmth on his hand is enough to change his mind.
"I have always loved him."
Jongin doesn’t tell Sehun that he’s in love with Kyungsoo, not because he doesn’t want to but because Sehun already knows. Sehun plays his part as Jongin’s best friend dutifuly, offering him advices and ideas that have never crossed Jongin’s mind.
Sehun was the one who had suggested that they stake out at the convenience store where he’d first met Kyungsoo and wait for him to appear. Maybe start a conversation. It seemed like a good idea, but then Jongin was unable to say anything that isn’t an ‘I love you,’ so in the end, they ended up watching Kyungsoo walk in and out of the door.
Sehun stops accompanying him after a while but Jongin still goes, alone. He goes and holds his breath every time Kyungsoo enters the store with that small smile. He ignores the wave of nostalgia that hits him every time the door closes, ignores the feeling of having been here before and done all of this.
In turn, his visions get more complicated. Sometimes he sees Kyungsoo and he thinks they’re a lot older than they are now and they’re eating, holding hands and kissing. Sometimes they’re at this convenience store and he thinks they’re in college and they’re buying Pocky and their fingers lightly touch and the back of their hands brush against each other. There is also that one time where there is no Kyungsoo, a time where it’s just Jongin dancing on a stage and when he finishes there is no one in the audience to applaud.
Sophomore year has just started when Jongin decides to tell Sehun about his new predicament. “I don’t understand.” He starts as they sit by the windows of the convenience store. It’s one of those times Jongin’s managed to drag Sehun to the store. Sehun tries not to roll his eyes as he pulls his chopsticks apart at Jongin’s words. He lets Jongin speak.
“I don’t know why they’re like that all of a sudden. It’s confusing me!” Jongin whispers ignoring the way Sehun doesn’t take a whole lot of interest in their topic. When Sehun is sure Jongin won’t be saying anything anymore, he mixes his instant noodles and faces Jongin with a serious look in his eyes, saying, “Maybe you’re finally seeing alternate possibilities. Like I said, if it’s the future you’re seeing, then it can change, right? Maybe it changes every time you let Kyungsoo walk out of the store.”
Jongin eyes Sehun before slowly nodding in understanding. He turns to his can of coke and decides he would rather eat something with that. He stands up and turns as he hears the door of the store open, his mind too busy thinking of a future with Kyungsoo, thinking of the possible futures with Kyungsoo and that one time where there was no Kyungsoo and what it means. He absentmindedly grabs onto the box of Pocky and he feels a jolt of electricity run through the tips of his fingers to his arms and all the way to his heart. He looks up in surprise and finds himself face to face with Kyungsoo.
“Kyungsoo,” Jongin whispers but Kyungsoo must’ve heard because he looks startled.
“Kyungsoo,” someone else calls out, someone who looks a little too familiar to Jongin. Kyungsoo turns around to look at the new presence, hand leaving Jongin’s as he does so.
“Joonmyun,” Kyungsoo says and there’s something about the way these two look that makes Jongin turn around on his heels, grab Sehun and run out of the stoe.
“Kyungsoo was with someone else,” Jongin says tentatively once they have slowed down.
Sehun looks at him sympathetically.
Jongin spends the rest of his days dancing and studying, and shamefully, spying. He brings his books to the store now, doesn’t matter if Sehun’s not with him, and watches Kyungsoo. Sometimes, Joonmyun is there too.
Jongin has been coming for almost a year now, hurting more every time as he watches Kyungsoo and Joonmyun look at each other, at the way they stand too close sometimes, and at the way their hands brush lightly against each others. The thing that hurts the most, though, is the way Kyungsoo blushes, flustered and red like he’s a little in love.
Maybe he is, Jongin thinks, even when he is supposed to be his.
He closes his book loudly in the all quiet store and stuffs his belongings in his bag just as he sees Kyungsoo and Joonmyun walk in, hands holding onto each other’s. Jongin thinks this is too much, even for him, and settles for walking out, shoulder hitting painfully against Kyungsoo’s and he doesn’t apologize as he tries to breathe and walk calmly ahead. He doesn’t turn around, doesn’t look back and just keeps walking and pretends that everything is fine, everything will be fine.
He doesn’t think about how he’s had visions of this time, how he’d seen Kyungsoo do those things with him and not Joonmyun, how in his visions they’d done the same thing and maybe it had been around the same time. He ignores his heart and when he gets home, for the first time, he plops himself on his bed and just shuts down.
Jongin wakes up to someone kissing him on the lips.
His eyes flutter open to find Kyungsoo smiling widely at him. There are small lines present in the sides of Kyungsoo’s eyes as they turn into crescents, lines that tell Jongin that Kyungsoo is older than the last time he saw him. Jongin caresses his soft cheek and brings Kyungsoo’s face closer once more and kisses him.
In his dreams is where he can have Kyungsoo.
The days roll by and Jongin decides to stop visiting the convenience store for a while.
In turn he doesn’t see Kyungsoo behind closed lids anymore. The visions still appear when he blinks but disappear almost instantly. He doesn’t know what the change means but accepts it without a question, a part of him glad that he doesn’t have to see Kyungsoo and think of how he will never have him., a part of him is glad he’s getting a good night’s sleep again.
“Hey,” Sehun greets as he sits down in front of Jongin in the cafeteria, the buzz of the students drowning out his voice a little but Jongin hears him even though he doesn’t want to acknowledge his presence. Sehun sighs as he puts his tray down. “Look, stop being so sulky. It’s not the end of the world. You’re just in your second year, maybe Kyungsoo will fall in love with you next year.” Jongin doesn’t tell him how he’s had visions where he’s sure he was a sophomore and Kyungsoo was in them, talking to him like they were old friends.
Jongin looks up and gives Sehun a half hearted smile, the best he can muster as of now. “Thanks.” He whispers as he forks his food in his mouth. He sighs.
“Look, I was thinking about what you said about that one time where there was no Kyungsoo,” Sehun starts with a whisper that Jongin strains to hear. Sehun looks around warily before continuing, “I think it might not have been a vision.”
Jongin looks at him weirdly. “What do you mean?”
“Do you remember what you felt when you woke up?” Sehun asks.
“I don’t know, it was some time ago,” Jongin tries to remember what it had felt like. He closes his eyes and shoots them open at once. “It felt like a nightmare. I think I remember shivering and sweating when I woke up.” He shivers again as he remembers.
“There you go.” Sehun points out. “It’s not a vision Jongin, it was a dream. Well technically, maybe a nightmare but still not a vision. Didn’t you say it yourself? That your dreams, tire you out like you’re living it? I think you are unconsciously mixing them with each other.”
There is a satisfied smile on Sehun’s face at being able to crack the mystery but Jongin continues to stare with doubt. Jongin smiles up at Sehun, deciding to go along with the explanation. The smile doesn’t reach his eyes but it’s good enough for Sehun. “Why do you do this?”
“Because I’m your best friend which mens that if you don’t understand yourself, then I will.” Sehun replies with a genuine smile. He pats Jongin’s shoulder and leaves Jongin’s table with his tray. Jongin watches as Sehun meets up with the senior, Lu Han. Jongin smiles because even though Jongin barely has time for anyone, Sehun still makes time for him, even if Sehun’s time is limited as well.
With a deep breath, and his bag heavy with books, Jongin decides to go back to the convenience store only because he’s going to buy himself something to snack on while he’s studying at home, not at the store. A part of him hopes he doesn’t meet Kyungsoo and another part of him hopes he does.
When he gets there, the cashier smiles at him like she’d missed him. She probably did because he was there almost every day for the past year. He returns it with a shy smile of his own and disappears among the shelves of junk food and biscuits, grabbing several boxes before going over to the counter to pay them. The cashier smiles at him again and it’s a little bit creepy but at the same time comforting. He smiles back at her and turns when the plastic bag is handed to him. When he turns around, he almost hits a person and said person almost falls to the ground. With his free hand, he grabs onto the person and finds himself staring straight into Kyungsoo’s eyes.
“Hey, it’s you.” Kyungsoo says as he regains his footing, a smile adorning his pale face and Jongin’s heart skips a beat.
“Excuse me?” Jongin replies because it felt like Kyungsoo just acknowledged him.
Kyungsoo flushes and Jongin resists the urge to smile at the sight.
“I mean, uhm, well I remember seeing you a lot whenever I went to the store, and I noticed how you weren’t here the past couple of days,” the blush on his cheeks darkens and Kyungsoo clears his throat, “wow I sound like I’m a stalker.”
He mumbles the words and Jongin almost coughs because if Kyungsoo is a stalker for noticing him then Jongin is so much worse. He clears his throat as Kyungsoo begins to mutter to himself, he could only catch words of ‘stupid’ ‘how could he say that’ and ‘that was so embarrassing’. Kyungsoo’s blush deepens and Jongin thinks he looks adorable like this.
“I’m Jongin,” he stretches out his hand with a smile and Jongin is a bit surprised he’s composed and he doesn’t utter the words ‘I love you’ (Sehun would be proud).
“Kyungsoo,” Kyungsoo returns the smile and shakes Jongin’s hand.
Jongin ends up staying a bit longer in the store chatting with Kyungsoo for a while and it’s weird how it feels like they’ve known each other. Well, Jongin practically does know Kyungsoo but Kyungsoo seems to feel at ease with him as well. He pretends not to know some of the details Kyungsoo shares and he’s glad his acting isn’t so bad.
The sun is already setting when they part ways and almost as if to ruin his day, Kyungsoo leaves the store with Joonmyun picking him up. Jongin tries to hide his displeasure, he does it well, too. When the two leave, with Joonmyun’s hand discreetly finding Kyungsoo’s, Jongin turns around and decides not to have his day ruined even more. Because today he did something right, today he finally talked to Do Kyungsoo and maybe today, things will go according to his visions.
His visions come back after that, him right back in and he finds that he doesn’t mind. Because finally, he believes in Sehun, believes in his theories and so he will believe in his dreams and believe that one day they will come true.
From: 도경수
Are you busy tonight?
Jongin almost drops his phone when he sees who texted him. Lu Han tries not to laugh while Sehun peers at the message from behind Jongin, a smirk on his face.
“I’m surprised you don’t have a heart before his name.” Sehun says smugly as he begins his stretching with Lu Han behind him.
“I think you should’ve added the heart! Wouldn’t that make his name appear at the top of your contacts list?” Lu Han adds, bending Sehun’s leg.
“Actually no, it will put it at the bottom.” The words are said before he can stop himself and Jongin clamps a hand over his mouth as if it will make the words disappear. Lu Han and Sehun eye him for a second before bursting into a fit of laughter.
“You actually tried?” Sehun says in between chuckles.
“Why not keep it?” Lu Han asks with a cute tilt of his head to the side, Sehun wraps an arm around his waist. Jongin blushes as he thinks of his answer, ignoring the couple.
“Because I didn’t want him to see.” He whispers but the couple hears anyways and they laugh even louder than before. Jongin ignores them and decides to reply before he forgets.
To: 도경수
I am actually. Dance practice is going to take up a few more hours than necessary. Why?
He puts his phone down and begins stretching as well. They’ve been practicing for the year end showcase and because Jongin is one of the main dancers, he has to practice two more hours than the rest of the group. He doesn’t mind, really, because dancing is his life. At least that’s what he tells himself when dancing begins to take away some of his ‘Kyungsoo time’.
The vibration of his phone alerts him that Kyungsoo’s replied and he’s a bit surprised how fast Kyungsoo replies, trying to ignore the fluttering of his heart or the thoughts of what it could mean. He doesn’t need to be distracted, not when he needs to be focused on his dancing.
From: 도경수
I just thought maybe I could help you with that English homework you were telling me about XD. You’re practicing for the year end showcase, right?
To: 도경수
Oh, a sunbae already helped me with that actually ^^; Yup! The practice is for the showcase, you wanna come and watch?
The reply is almost instantaneous.
From: 도경수
Really? Ok!
Jongin couldn’t reply as the instructor came in the room and he tried not to think about Kyungsoo entering the room with his SMA uniform.
When Kyungsoo walks in quietly into the dance studio, Jongin misses a beat and it’s almost unnoticeable as Jongin quickly regains control and is back on track with the rest of the crew. Still, the instructor calls him out on it. Jongin has to pretend that Kyungsoo isn’t there so he doesn’t screw up the next round of practice.
The instructor eyes him when he gives them their ten minute break but doesn’t say anything. Jongin pretends not to notice as he walks to where Kyungsoo is with the other SOPA students who have nothing better to do than watch the dance team practice. Kyungsoo stands out amongst the crowd with his navy blue blazer mixed with yellow ones. He tries to hide his smile at how adorable Kyungsoo looks not exactly fitting in.
“Hey, isn’t that Kyungsoo?” Sehun whispers throwing an arm around Jongin’s shoulders which the latter tries to shrug off.
“Oh, that’s Kyungsoo?” Lu Han appears beside Sehun, his eyes zeroing in on the misfit, “Come on, introduce your hyung!” Lu Han says grabbing Sehun and Jongin’s hands to where Kyungsoo is sitting.
“Hey,” Jongin starts. Sehun rolls his eyes and Lu Han giggles.
“I’m Lu Han, I’m Sehun’s boyfriend and Jongin’s sunbae.” Lu Han stretches out his hand in front of Kyungsoo who turns his eyes away from Jongin to look at the doe eyed senior. He smiles at Lu Han and shakes his hand.
“Kyungsoo.” He says with a smile.
“Nice to finally meet you Kyungsoo. I hear so much about you! You’re all--” Before Lu Han can finish his sentence, Jongin has clamped a hand over his mouth.
“Don’t mind him, he talks nonsense most of the time.” Jongin covers with a smile that looks a bit forced. “Hey Sehun, why don’t you and Lu Han hyung get us some Gatorade?” Jongin offers, hand still firmly clasped around Lu Han. Lu Han tries to pry off Jongin’s hand while Sehun glares.
“Fine fine, just let my boyfriend go.” Sehun drags an unwilling Lu Han away from the scene. Jongin heaves a sigh of relief and Kyungsoo chuckles. He sits beside Kyungsoo on the bleachers and watches as the other dancers drink or rest.
“Sorry about that, he’s just really weird.” Jongin explains, rubbing a hand at his nape and Kyungsoo just smiles at him, his hands digging deep in his coat pocket.
“It’s ok. I actually have a friend who’s even weirder than Lu Han hyung.” Kyungsoo shares. “And what’s even weirder is he’s in a relationship!” Somehow they both laugh at this. Kyungsoo’s laugh is music to Jongin’s ears and he wonders if Kyungsoo can sing.
“You’re a very great dancer.” Kyungsoo says after a while. Jongin blushes even though he’s heard of that compliment more than a million times.
“Thanks.”
“No, I mean it. I don’t usually watch people dance but there’s something about the way you move that’s captivating. It’s beautiful, really.” Kyungsoo says as if he can just see Jongin dancing right now and Jongin’s blush deepens.
“Thanks, no one’s ever said that to me before.” Kyungsoo beams at him proudly for being first and Jongin chuckles at how adorable Kyungsoo is.
“I bet Joonmyun would think so, too.” Jongin tries not to frown at Kyungsoo’s words. He turns his gaze away from Kyungsoo’s happy face to look at the dancers and his eyes somehow end up on the mirrors and he sees their reflection, two people talking to each other.
“Oh? Really?”
“Yeah, he’s always loved performing arts. I bet he would’ve appreciated your dancing, too.” Kyungsoo smiles at Jongin but his eyes remain on their reflection in the mirrors. He likes Joonmyun but Joonmyun is special to Kyungsoo in the way Jongin can never be, or isn’t right now, and that he hates.
“Jongin, catch.” Sehun shouts from the door and because Jongin is used to this, he catches the drink without paying too much attention to Sehun.
“Wow! How’d you do that?” Kyungsoo asks and Lu Han and Sehun chuckle at how Kyungsoo sounds so childish.
“Practice. Sehun always throws me my drink.” Jongin shrugs as he proceeds to chug down the whole bottle.
“You should’ve seen him the first time. He got hit on the face!” Sehun and Lu Han laugh.
“Hey! You almost broke my nose.” Jongin retorts but Kyungsoo ends up laughing along with Sehun and Lu Han so Jongin sighs and laughs as well. It is a funny memory anyways.
“Ok everyone, break’s over! From the start!” Their instructor says and the three excuse themselves from Kyungsoo and proceed to their starting position. Jongin tries not to see how entranced Kyungsoo seems in watching them perform, tries to hide the pride he feels when he knows Kyungsoo is watching him.
“Good job everyone. I’ll see you all tomorrow.” The instructor looks at Jongin. “Except for you, Jongin. You stay.” Jongin nods and the rest of the crew turn their backs. It’s nothing new for Jongin to stay behind, not because he’s lacking in practice but because finally, after two years of proving himself, he gets a solo stage. Jongin is given a half hour break before practicing his piece and he decides to spend it with Kyungsoo. Sehun and Lu Han bid them goodbye, hand in hand, as they walk out of the dance studio.
“Hey, I’m planning on grabbing something to eat at the store, wanna come with?” Jongin asks as he gets a shirt from his bag. Kyungsoo nods and immediately turns away when Jongin starts taking off his sweaty shirt and replacing it with a new one.
“Let’s go.” Jongin says with a smile completely oblivious of what he’s just caused, having done it a million times. Kyungsoo just nods quietly.
“Do you usually get called out by the instructor like that?” Kyungsoo asks with worry and fear and Jongin laughs at his tone because Kyungsoo seems to have misunderstood.
“Yeah, but don’t worry. It’s not because I’m in trouble.” He says as he puts his hands in his pants pocket with a smug smile he turns to face Kyungsoo. “It’s because I get a solo dance for the showcase.”
“What? Really? Congratulations!” And then all of a sudden, Kyungsoo is hugging him and Jongin can’t breathe, not because Kyungsoo’s holding him too tight but because Kyungsoo is in his arms and somewhere along the lines he kind of forgot to breathe. Almost automatically, he wraps his arms around Kyungsoo and takes in his scent of beaches and ocean. There’s a faint hint of red on Kyungsoo’s cheeks when he lets go, and Jongin tries not to think of how their hug had lasted longer than it was supposed to.
“Yeah, sorry, I got carried away.” Kyungsoo chuckles nervously. “But congrats! I remember you said something about it and I know you’ve been working so hard. You deserved it.” Kyungsoo gives him one of his warm sincere smiles and it takes Jongin’s breath away.
“Thanks hyung. I hope you can come and watch. It’s a public event so anyone can go, you can even bring your other friends. I’d like to meet the one weirder than Lu Han hyung.” Jongin laughs and so does Kyungsoo.
“He’s also older than you, so give him a little respect.” Kyungsoo chides but there is no strength in it. Jongin shrugs with a smirk.
“Everyone’s older than me.” And they just laugh.
“I think I should go home.” Kyungsoo says a little guiltily as the store begins to appear. Jongin tries to hide his disappointment with a smile. Kyungsoo had received a text sometime in their walk and Jongin doesn’t have to ask to know it’s Joonmyun and it’s probably the reason why he has to go.
“Of course, it’s getting late anyways.” Even though the sun has just set and usually Kyungsoo goes home later than this. But Jongin doesn’t why because it is not his place. Because there are limitations to his friendship with Kyungsoo and this is one of them.
“I’ll see you soon, Jongin.” Kyungsoo waves and runs to other direction where SMA is located. Jongin tries not to sigh and slump as he grabs some dinner at the convenience store. The same cashier is there, ready to punch in his dinner for the night. He eats quickly and efficiently and tries to remember his steps for his routine so he doesn’t have to think of Kyungsoo.
He is glad SOPA makes sure year-end exams are over before they gruel their students for the showcase because Jongin doesn’t think he can study with all this practicing and distraction he gets from Kyungsoo. He gets back to the studio in record time, and there are still some students there, probably to watch him, but he ignores them and just acknowledges the orders of his instructor.
“1, 2, 3, start.”
And as the music plays, Jongin loses himself in dancing, he feels the music mold his body and take control of everything. He tries not to think about text messages not meant for him, tries not to see messages that should’ve been for him but aren’t, tries not see more of Kyungsoo watching him dance and just focuses on the music and the flow of his body.
He spends an hour perfecting his piece until his instructor is satisfied. His instructor claps and gives him a smile, something he only does when he’s extremely impressed and Jongin feels like patting himself on the back at his success. Maybe, Kyungsoo will be like his instructor. Impressed. He tries not to indulge the thought too much.
Jongin becomes so busy with practicing that he ends up not going to the store anymore, ends up ignoring some of his messages (because he reads them before practice and forgets to reply when he’s done practicing). By the time he gets home, all he does is sleep and dream of Kyungsoo, and he finds that it’s enough for a compensation.
From: 도경수
Hey, you still alive? :))
Jongin blinks once or twice as he reads the message on his phone and bolts upright when he realizes it’s from Kyungsoo. He scrolls up and he realizes he hasn’t replied to any of his texts recently and that answers his questions of why Kyungsoo would text him that. He sighs and rubs sleep off his face as he tries to think of a good enough reply.
To: 도경수
Yeah, sorry I haven’t been replying. Been a bit busy and I tend to read messages and not text back because I forget.
From: 도경수
It’s ok ^^ Sehun said you were busy practicing, do you have practice today?
Jongin didn’t have practice but just because he didn’t have one didn’t mean he wasn’t going to spend the rest of his Saturday practicing. But this was Kyungsoo, and he hadn’t seen him in a while.
To: 도경수
Not really :) Did you want to meet?
From: 도경수
Yeah, if that’s ok. Let’s meet at the convenience store. I want to show you something :)
To: 도경수
Give me 30 minutes.
It usually takes Jongin an hour to get ready but this was Kyungsoo and he’d missed Kyungsoo so he rushed everything, from bathing to eating and dressing up. He is out of the house just in time and he gets to the store just when the clock hit the 30-minute mark.
“Hey!” Kyungsoo greets and Jongin likes the way Kyungsoo looks in casual clothes, a pale blue sweater kept him warm from the unusually cold spring and dark jeans completed with black converse. Jongin smiles at Kyungsoo his heart hammering in his chest. Even though he dreams of Kyungsoo, seeing him in real life is always better.
“Nice shirt.” Kyungsoo comments with a genuine smile and Jongin looks at his shirt as if he forgot what he was wearing and he laughs as he sees what he’s wearing. His shirt was black and it had the words ‘Dancing Machine’ in silver lettering. It was a birthday present from Sehun.
“Thanks, Sehun gave it to me for my birthday last month.” He smiles as he follows Kyungsoo to wherever they’re going.
“Oh, you were born in January, too?” Kyungsoo slows down his pace so that he and Jongin are side to side.
“Yup! I was born on the 14th. You?”
“12th. How sad you weren’t born on the 13th, though.” Kyungsoo chuckles as Jongin tells him 12 and 14 is still pretty close. Somewhere at the back of his mind, he remembers having visions of birthday celebrations made on the 13th. He shakes his head and tries to dismiss the thoughts.
“So what is it you wanted to show me?” Jongin asks as they take a few turns and Kyungsoo smiles at him with the sun behind him giving him this silhouette and all Jongin can think of is how beautiful it looks.
“I heard from Sehun how much you’ve been practicing to the point where you even ignore your friends. He was a bit upset when I saw him last night and I thought maybe you could use a break.”
“That still doesn’t answer my question.”
Kyungsoo just chuckles at his reply and proceeds to run making sure Jongin is close behind.
Jongin is too busy trying to follow Kyungsoo that he doesn’t notice his surroundings as they stop. When Kyungsoo stops moving, he turns to look at Jongin as if to tell him they’re there. And Jongin takes that as his cue to look around. They’re at clearing decorated with blooming flowers and Kyungsoo holds onto his wrist and pulls him to sit down beside him on the grassy land with no flowers.
“Sometimes, I come here to relax. I study so much that I scare my friends and family and then one day, when I realized I needed a break, I found this.” He smiles at Jongin as he brings his knees close to his chest. “The flowers and the fresh air have a nice of way of calming a person down, especially when they’re stressed or tired. I thought maybe it would help you.”
Jongin’s heart starts beating at an odd pace as Kyungsoo smiles at him, his head resting on his knees and he hopes to God he isn’t blushing as he returns the smile. He takes his eyes away from Kyungsoo and admires the scenery. The flowers give the area a beautiful scent and the horizon isn’t so bright even though the sun is a little high up. He takes a deep breath and he feels the tense muscles disappear a little and he lies down on the ground.
“Thanks, Kyungsoo hyung.” He whispers with a smile on his face as he closes his eyes.
“Glad I could help.” And he hears rustling beside him and he can only assume that Kyungsoo is lying down beside him.
“Hey,” Kyungsoo whispers, “Can you promise me this will be our little secret?”
Jongin cracks one eye open and holds his breath because Kyungsoo’s face is so close to his, “Yes.” He manages to whisper. Kyungsoo holds out his pinky and Jongin smiles at the childish gesture but relents and wraps his own pinky along Kyungsoo’s.
“Now stop being a bad dongsaeng. Don’t ignore my texts.” Kyungsoo ruffles Jongin’s hair and chuckles along with Jongin. Jongin tries to ignore a vague memory that is playing at the back of his mind of the same situation except he’s pretty sure he kissed Kyungsoo on the lips in that vision. He tries to ignore how it kind of hurts that he can’t kiss Kyungsoo now because even though Kyungsoo doesn’t say it, he’s in a relationship with Joonmyun. He ignores all of it, especially the feelings he gets when they make pinky promises, just like in his vision and ruffles his hair or looks at him with shining eyes. He wants Kyungsoo to be his but he doesn’t want to ruin a relationship, not when he knows Kyungsoo will be his in the end. He just has to believe.
They stay a little while longer in the clearing just looking up at the sky, catching up on the last few days. Kyungsoo tells him how his finals are finally over and how he hopes he gets good grades. Jongin doesn’t tell him that his grades are up and he is at the top of his class again. He just smiles at Kyungsoo and tells him that he believes in him.
Reluctantly, Kyungsoo pulls Jongin up and they walk back to the convenience store. “I can’t wait to watch your performance at the showcase.” Kyungsoo says excitedly. “I told all my friends and invited Baekhyun and Chanyeol to come and watch. Some of my classmates wouldn’t believe me when I told them I was friends with you and Sehun.”
Kyungsoo laughs and Jongin smiles at Kyungsoo’s narration. “But then Joonmyun tried to make them believe me. It was kind of funny because in the end they still asked for a picture.” They both laugh and Jongin tries to hide how the fact that Joonmyun is still a part of their conversation hurts.[a]
“You should’ve invited them to the showcase then, I would’ve proved them wrong.” Jongin says smugly.
“Nah, who cares what they think?” Kyungsoo says with sincere smile. “Besides, you’ll only want to meet Baekhyun and Chanyeol out of all of my classmates.”
“Chanyeol was the one weirder than Lu Han hyung, right?” Kyungsoo nods. “And Baekhyun is his boyfriend?” Another nod. Jongin nods in understanding.
“I can’t wait to meet them, then.” He returns Kyungsoo’s smile.
“Thanks for meeting me. Good luck on the showcase.” Kyungsoo looks up into Jongin’s eyes and smiles. He walks away and waves at Jongin.
“Thanks hyung.” Jongin whispers as he waves back.
Preparation for the showcase ensues all kinds of chaos around SOPA and Jongin is just glad he doesn’t have to be into it because he’s too busy perfecting his routine. The week of the showcase arrives and Jongin spends the entire week perfecting his routine on the stage they’ll be using and is proud at how easily he can transit from the studio to the stage.
“Okay everybody, that’s a wrap!” The stage director says and everyone of the performers bow.
“Hey, let’s go out tonight and celebrate!” Lu Han says, hand already warm in Sehun’s. Jongin would rather not be the third wheel but he finds that he can’t exactly say no.
“There’s this new cafe near the convenience store, let’s check it out.” Sehun offers and Jongin walks a little behind the couple, feeling a bit out of place but not really minding. They reach the cafe in silence and Jongin offers to take their orders. When he gets back, he tries not to cringe at the scene in front of him.
“Seriously, guys, get a room,” he tells them looking away. They both laugh.
“Can’t help it, I graduated so I won’t be able to spend time with Sehun as much as I want.” Lu Han says a bit sadly and Jongin feels a little sad, too.
“But we’ll still see you right?” Jongin asks.
“Of course, you idiot.” Lu Han smiles at him as he smacks Jongin’s head and all three burst out laughing. Their drinks arrive then, and Lu Han raises his cup of bubble tea with a smile. “To graduating.
“To the showcase.” Jongin cheers.
“To everyone getting good grades.” Sehun adds and they toast their glasses, sipping their cold drinks.
“Oh, Jongin, I heard you got the highest marks out of all the Sophomore batch this year. Congratulations!” Lu Han says and Jongin tries to hide his embarrassment. “Oh, hey, hi, Kyungsoo.” Lu Han continues in succession to his previous statement and when Jongin turns around, there’s Kyungsoo in front of him with Joonmyun beside him.
“Hey, hyung.” Both he and Sehun greet.
“I’ll go buy us our drinks.” Joonmyun smiles and Jongin notes the way his hand lingers on Kyungsoo’s arm as he talks before leaving.
“You guys want to sit with us?” Sehun asks and they help Kyungsoo get two chairs for their table. Jongin tries to ignore the fact that now he’s the fifth wheel.
“I hope you don’t mind, but I overheard Lu Han hyung saying you’re at the top of your batch. Wow Jongin, I didn’t think you were smart.” Kyungsoo laughs and the whole table follows as Jongin pouts.
“Hey, I’ll have you know that I am, in fact, very smart., so smart that SMA offered me a full scholarship.” Kyungsoo gapes at him and so does Joonmyun who appears just in time to hear Jongin brag.
“For real? I thought those were very hard to get.” Joonmyun mutters.
“It is.” Jongin smirks at everyone and Sehun just laughs and Lu Han looks a little bit confused because he doesn’t really know much about SMA and only went to SOPA because of the exchange program they had.
“Jongin has always been smart. When we graduated from elementary, he was valedictorian and got a really high GPA too and that’s why SMA offered him a full scholarship while I was only offered half a scholarship.” Sehun supplies and Jongin just sips his frappuccino.
“Wow, I had no idea. Congratulations, Jongin ah.” Kyungsoo’s eyes turn into crescents as he smiles and Jongin almost chokes on his drink.
“Thanks.”
As it turns out, it isn’t so bad being the fifth wheel. Especially when Kyungsoo and Joonmyun don’t do much PDA, or any for that matter. The problem is that Lu Han and Sehun can’t keep their hands to themselves which makes it very awkward for the three.
Lu Han is teary eyed by the time they have to go, and even though it isn’t the last time he will see them, he hugs everyone anyways and it kind of freaks Kyungsoo and Joonmyun out while Sehun tries to pry his boyfriend off of them and apologizes profusely on his behalf. When the couple is gone, Jongin tries not break into a run so he doesn’t have to see the awkward couple break his heart.
“You have nice friends, Jongin ah.” Joonmyun says as they walk.
“I’ve known Sehun since elementary but Lu Han hyung is nice.” Jongin shrugs.
“We’re going this way.” Kyungsoo says as if Jongin doesn’t already know. He nods anyway and smiles at them, hoping it doesn’t look too forced.
“Take care Joonmyun hyung, Kyungsoo hyung. I’ll see you guys at the showcase.” Jongin turns and walks away. Jongin tries not to think of a showcase where Kyungsoo had kissed him on the cheek good luck and focuses on the showcase that will take place tomorrow, the showcase that will define the rest of his career in SOPA.
Jongin takes a deep breath as he shakes his body loose along with his crew. His group dance is in the middle of the whole program while his solo is the finale. He tries not to think of the audience, tries not to think that Kyungsoo will be there to watch. He takes deep breaths and lets them all out.
“You’re going to be fine.” Lu Han says with a smile and Jongin hopes his hyung is right.
“Ok, Machines, get ready, you’re up next.” Minseok, the stage director says, as he ushers Jongdae backstage. The dance crew positions themselves for their entrance.
“Good evening ladies and gentlemen! Some of you have been waiting for this performance since the school year began. We’ve gathered the best performers from all year levels and now they will perform as one. Give it up for Machine!” Kris, the MC, says.
The whole crowd screams as Jongin and the rest of the crew take their positions. Jongin tries not to smirk at the idea that everyone is watching him. The lights are dimmed and everyone has their heads bowed. The crowd has gone quiet.
Then the music plays and everyone goes wild as the dancers move to the beat, each one bringing the song a different meaning. Jongin looks out into the crowd but sees nothing but light. He tries not to look for Kyungsoo lest he mess up and before he knows it the song is over and the next performer is up as they are ushered backstage.
“You guys did great! Now, Lay, you’re up after this, go change.” Their instructor says. Everyone in Machine had solo dances and Jongin’s heart pounded at the thought that he was closing the program tonight. That itself was a big honor.
“Ok everyone, remember, if you make a mistake just keep moving. You may go change.” The group disperses and Jongin changes his clothes for his solo dance. He shakes his limbs to loosen himself up. He’s never really been nervous before and he doesn’t know why he’s nervous now.
“Hey, I saw Kyungsoo out there.” Sehun says clad in his all black ensemble.
Jongin smiles at him. “Really?”
“Yeah, let’s go see them when you’re done, okay? Until then, try not to look like you’re going to faint.” Sehun jokes and leaves as he positions himself because he’s after Lay. The solo dances take up less time than Jongin assumed and he’s pacing back and forth when there’s only one more person before him. Lu Han takes the stage and Jongin takes deep breaths again. After Lu Han, it will be him.
“Jongin,” His instructor calls out. “I just wanted to tell you how great you’ve improved over the past two years and that no matter what happens tonight, I’m proud of you.” His instructor smiles at him and he almost cries at his words because his instructor is really hard to please. The man just puts a hand on his shoulder and it’s enough for Jongin to calm his nerves, if only a little.
“Jongin-ssi,” Minseok calls out. “You’re next.”
Jongin nods as he positions himself. He sees Lu Han bow and smile at the crowd, the girls screaming and Jongin wants to laugh but Lu Han is already in front of him and wishing him a good luck before he can even do it.
“Some of you may know him as Kim Jongin but tonight he will shine under a different name. Tonight, let us end this year’s showcase with Kai!” The crowd screams even louder. It’s a bit deafening but Jongin can still hear the beat of his heart over all the noise. He stands in the middle of the stage and all the lights are out. He takes a deep breath and the music begins.
The piano plays a soft melody and Jongin brings a hand out and presses his fingers on imaginary keys. It feels as if he is actually playing a piano. As soon as the voice sings out the lyrics, Jongin moves his hands as if to take it away from his imaginary piano and lets the song take control of his body. The music is slow but with every beat there is Jongin’s movements are strong and precise. He lets the emotion of the song envelop him, lets the movement of his whole body define the song as he moves.
He looks out into the audience and to his surprise he finds himself eye to eye with Kyungsoo. He in a breath but doesn’t stop his dancing. He is surprised at his professionalism but doesn’t ponder on it too much. He focuses on the dance, on the music and never takes his eyes off Kyungsoo’s.
The next thing he knows is that the song is coming to an end, he makes his finishing twirl and when he stops, he finds himself looking straight at Kyungsoo once more and his heart shouts out ‘This is for you’. And he takes his hand out again where his imaginary piano is and his fingers press imaginary keys and then he looks away from the crowd and the lights dim.
The crowd goes wild as Jongin exits the stage, only to be stopped by the MC as the rest of the performers take the stage.
“Let’s give it up for, Kai!” Kris says as the crowd cheers and Kai makes a small bow and smiles a bit shyly at the crowd. The rest of the students reach the middle of the stage and Kris clears his throat as the performers line themselves up.
“We would like to thank everyone who came to our year end showcase tonight.” Kris begins. “As well as Principal Kim for making all of this happen. We also thank the students who volunteered and helped out with the production. To the graduates whose scholarships depended on the success of tonight’s show congratulations! You all did a great job!” At this the crowd laughs. “But most of all, thank you and congratulations to our performers!”
Everyone claps and cheers as each of the performers are given bouquets and they each bow in return.
“May each of you continue to shine in your chosen career paths.” Kris finishes and the performers all hold hands and bow together. Jongin is sweaty but still full of energy. His legs feel a little bit like jelly but his smile is wide and he’s so happy. Sehun puts an arm around his shoulder and they toast bouquets as Lu Han appears.
“Come on! Let’s go meet Kyungsoo outside! I told him they could meet us at the entrance backstage.” Lu Han pulls on Jongin and Sehun’s hands and Jongin feels like it’s going to be a good night. When the door for the backstage entrance opens, Jongin finds Kyungsoo holding hands with Joonmyun, flushed cheeks due to the heat of the crowd and a little sweaty. Jongin feels his stomach churn. He wipes his sweaty forehead feeling the results of his strenuous dancing.
“You looked amazing!” Kyungsoo compliments Jongin and both Sehun and Lu Han whine at how Kyungsoo didn’t seem to notice their dancing.
“I wish I could have entered SOPA.” Joonmyun supplies and he tells them how he’s always wanted to be a singer and then proceeds to compliment all the performers and how he was shocked to see Lu Han sing.
“You guys are so talented.” Joonmyun finishes and Sehun and Lu Han just laugh. Jongin forces a chuckle because he can’t seem to take his eyes away from the hand holding. A tall figures comes and stands behind Kyungsoo with a shorter male beside him and they both clear their throats.
“Right, I forgot.” Kyungsoo mutters. “Uhm guys these are our friends Chanyeol and Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo gestures to tall person then the short one respectively.
“Hi Chanyeol, Baekhyun. I’m Lu Han, this is my boyfriend, Sehun and his best friend Jongin.” Lu Han introduces as Sehun wraps a protective arm around his waist.
“Nice to meet you!” Chanyeol grins widely and Jongin can’t help but smile at how wide Chanyeol’s smile is and how deep his voice is.
“Wow, Kai-ssi, you were really great out there! I’ve heard so much about you from Kyungsoo but you are so much better looking in person.” Baekhyun says disentangling himself from Chanyeol and walking forward to shake Jongin’s hand.
“Ah thanks.” Jongin chuckles nervously.
“Hey Baek, just in case you forgot, I’m your boyfriend.” Chanyeol says as he squeezes himself in between Jongin and Baekhyun.
“Oh shush Chanyeol, you and I both know Kai-ssi is hotter than you.” Baekhyun says as he lets Jongin’s hands go and proceeds to ogle him with shining eyes.
“You guys can just call me Jongin, Kai is just my stage name.” Jongin insists and Baekhyun squeals and latches himself onto Chanyeol’s arm, giggling as he does so.
“You’ll have to excuse my boyfriend, he gets a little enthusiastic when it comes to fame.” Chanyeol explains as Baekhyun slaps him on the arm to shut him up.
“And Kyungsoo hyung said Chanyeol hyung was weird.” Jongin couldn’t help but comment.
“Kyungsoo ah, you said that about me?” Chanyeol pouts and everyone just ends up laughing. All of a sudden, Jongin realizes he’s somewhat alone in his own group. Everyone seems to have a significant other on their arm or hand. A slight tug on his heart reminds him of a vision where Kyungsoo had hugged him and he had Kyungsoo in his arms then.
As they laugh at a joke, Jongin looks from one couple to another and finishes with Joonmyun and Kyungsoo and how odd it is that he feels left out, how in the end it’s Jongin who is hurting. How did this even happen, he asks himself, feeling progressively smaller.
“Hey,” Jongin calls out to whoever will listen. Sehun being the good friend that he is, pays Jongin that attention he needs. “I think I’m gonna go home, it’s been a really tiring week for me.”
Sehun nods and everyone else almost doesn’t notice him leave even after he closes the door with a click.
Being a third wheel to Lu Han and Sehun was alright because they didn’t practically ignore him but after being the seventh wheel, he figures, he had been hoping too much.
It hurts a little when he thinks that because he and Kyungsoo are just friends, he will never get the attention that he seeks from Kyungsoo. It hurts when he thinks that even though he’s the star of the night, Kyungsoo’s attention isn’t on him, that Baekhyun has probably paid him the attention he seeks from Kyungsoo. Because even though Kyungsoo hasn’t said it yet, he is in a relationship with Joonmyun. He’s in love with Joonmyun, not Jongin. Jongin can never be Joonmyun.
He puts on a plain white shirt that’s a little too tight but allows all the air in because it’s stuffy where he is. He ties his hoodie on his waists and fixes his black jeans. He hopes that none of his friends are out waiting for him because he doesn’t want to be whatever wheel to them.
Jongin fixes the strap of his duffle bag on his arm and plugs in his earphones so he can block out the rest of the world and just as the beats begin to take over his surroundings, he feels an arm hold him back. He takes out one of the pods and tries not to wince as he hears the faint buzzing noise from it. He looks at the hand on his arm and follows the arm that leads to Kyungsoo who smiles at him a little guiltily.
“Hey,” Kyungsoo says and Jongin takes the other pod out and pauses his music as the door shuts behind them.
“Hey,” Jongin looks around notices most of the crowd is gone and Kyungsoo is the only left amongst his friends. “Where’s everyone?”
“Oh they went home. Sehun and Lu Han went on a date though.” Kyungsoo says as he follows Jongin to wherever he will go.
“Why didn’t you go home with your friends?”
“I wanted to apologize about earlier, you seemed uncomfortable with my friends and I guess that was my fault for not being considerate.” Kyungsoo smiles sheepishly at him and Jongin sighs as they pause in their walking.
“You’ve got great friends, hyung but I don’t want to be the seventh wheel in a group. Being the third wheel to Lu Han hyung and Sehun was easy because they both made sure not to leave me out. But two other couples whom I barely know, that’s a bit hard.”
Kyungsoo gives him another sheepish smile. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay hyung. I know you just want me to meet your friends, it’s not your fault they’re in a relationship.” They laugh at this.
“Wait, did you just assume that Joonmyun and I are in a relationship?” Kyungsoo says after some time as they continue their walking. Jongin chuckles and he hopes it doesn’t sound forced.
“Hyung, it’s obvious. I can see the way you look at him,” because that is how you would look at me in my visions, he thinks. “and I see the way he looks at you,” because that is how I look at you, he adds in his thoughts. “The same way Sehun and Lu Han look at each other.” He allows a soft solemn smile appear on his lips and Kyungsoo flushes in embarrassment and looks away.
“I’d love to meet your friends again next time, maybe you can tell them not to be too much like Sehun and Lu Han.” Jongin jokes when he thinks the silence is too much.
“That’d be great.” Kyungsoo says with a small smile, still not looking at Jongin.
“Well, this is where we part ways, I guess.” Jongin says stopping to face Kyungsoo who looks up and realizes Jongin is right.
“Thanks for coming tonight, hyung.” Jongin smiles sincerely and Kyungsoo returns the gesture and Jongin thinks that maybe it wasn’t the fact that he’s a seventh wheel that made his night so bad.
“You’re welcome. It was fun watching you be amazing.” And Jongin laughs.
“Good night, hyung.” He whispers softly and he can’t help but think of how tempting it is to kiss Kyungsoo on the forehead because he does this in his visions, but now, with Joonmyun in the picture, that would be crossing the line of their friendship.
“Good night, Jongin-ah.” Kyungsoo’s eyes turn into crescents again as he smiles and walks in the opposite direction, and all Jongin can think is that it definitely wasn’t being seventh wheel that made him want to go home. But because there are all these couples around him and he remembers in his visions how he used to be together with Kyungsoo in the same group. There was no Joonmyun and Kyungsoo, only Jongin and Kyungsoo.
Later that night, as Jongin lies on his bed, when he closes his eyes, he sees Kyungsoo holding his hands, he feels his arms wrap around Kyungsoo’s waist and when Kyungsoo turns to look at him in the eyes, he wonders how old they are and what year is this. Kyungsoo whispers something in his ear but he can’t register the words. And then Kyungsoo pulls on his hands and they’re facing a mirror and Jongin is a bit shocked to find himself wearing SOPA’s standard toga for graduating seniors. Kyungsoo kisses his cheeks and he hears him whisper, “Congratulations valedictorian.”
He opens his eyes and finds himself in his room. He takes a moment to remind himself of the situation. He’s an incoming Junior. Kyungsoo is Joonmyun’s boyfriend. Kyungsoo is just his friend. Maybe when he graduates, Kyungsoo will be his boyfriend. He shakes his head.
Maybe when he graduates, Kyungsoo will still be his friend.
He sighs.
He’d be lucky if by the time he graduates Kyungsoo will still be his friend.
Friend. Soon enough, Jongin begins to hate that word because he never wanted to be just friends, but now all he can be is a friend. A small voice in his head wonders if it would hurt less if they weren’t friends at all.
Jongin closes his eyes.
He starts doubting the future again.
It’s easy to fall back into the routine of studying and dancing. Sehun, busy with his own life, has stopped pestering him about it. Jongin doesn’t mind because it’s his own fault for pushing people away. He’s stopped going to the store, too busy perfecting dance routines and learning new techniques and styles, too busy getting good grades just in case he doesn’t get scouted. That’s what he tells himself when he’s so tired and he’s falling asleep and dreaming of Kyungsoo.
Because in reality, he’s not busy.
Because in reality, he just doesn’t want to see Kyungsoo.
“Hey,” Jongin looks up from his book to see Sehun sitting in front of him. “You look like you’re dying, you know that?” For some reason, Jongin laughs. He laughs so hard even though it’s not funny but Sehun smiles anyways because he understands why Jongin is laughing, why Jongin is pushing himself.
“You know, being like this won’t make it go away.” Sehun says when Jongin is done laughing.
He doesn’t look up from his book as he eats his lunch.
“Make what go away?”
“The pain.”
Jongin snaps his book close. The sound it makes is deafening even though the noise in the cafeteria drowns it out. He sighs. “That obvious?”
“Very.” Sehun smirks as he steals some of Jongin’s food. He doesn’t notice or care for that matter. He’s not really hungry anyways. He looks at his Chemistry book and it feels like it’s mocking him for being a coward.
“I just--” Jongin begins, but he doesn’t really know what to say, or how to say what he wants to say. But Sehun waits, because that’s what Sehun does, he listens to Jongin when no one else would bother. “I don’t know how to deal with this. I didn’t think it’d be this hard. In my visions he was already mine, I had no idea this was going to happen.” His hands take refuge in his hair, messing it up.
“He asks about you. Kyungsoo hyung.” Sehun starts when he knows Jongin is done and is going to listen to every word he says. “I bump into him sometimes and he asks me why you won’t reply to his texts or why he doesn’t see you around the store anymore. I think he’s genuinely worried for you.”
Jongin sighs. That’s not what he wanted to hear.
Sehun smiles as if he understands what Jongin’s thinking. And maybe he does.
“Love is never easy, Jongin. Especially true love. But you’ve got all these opportunities in front of you, don’t throw them away. Joonmyun may be his present, but you’re Kyungsoo’s future.” Sehun finishes, a serious look on his face and Jongin is almost surprised that it’s not his usual poker face. Jongin smiles, in what seems like a long time (it has been a long time actually).
“Thanks, Sehunnie.” Sehun visibly cringes at the nickname but smiles anyways and laughs. Jongin laughs as well. His phone vibrates in his pocket and out of habit, takes it out and reads the message.
His heart stops.
From: 도경수
Hey.
He sees all the other messages that have been left unreplied but read. At the top he sees ‘are you okay?’ the one before the most recent says ‘are you still alive? :)))’.
To: 도경수
Hey yourself.
He tucks his phone back into his pocket and finds Sehun smirking at him. He just grins back and they finish eating whatever’s left of Jongin’s food.
It’s easy to fall back to his routine of studying and dancing but Jongin knows it’s time to stop.
“I can’t believe you managed to waste more than half of Junior year sulking.” Sehun mutters as Jongin peers at the different drinks inside the freezer.
“Whatever, at least with my grades I can get academic scholarships from various universities.” Jongin shrugs as he grabs a can of Chilsung.
“Dude with the way you’re practicing you’re dancing, I don’t think you’re going to college.” Sehun jokes and they laugh as they proceed to pay for their things.
“Jongin ah!” Jongin recognizes the voice and on instinct turns around to face the person he’d least expected to see.
“Kyungsoo hyung, Joonmyun hyung.” Jongin gulps at the sight of Joonmyun’s hand on Kyungsoo’s waist. It’s such an intimate gesture that it makes Jongin want to sprint out of there.
“Long time no see, Jongin ah.” Joonmyun says with a bright smile. Sehun puts an arm around his shoulders.
“We heard from Sehun you were busy.” Kyungsoo adds his smile lighting up his eyes.
“More like hiding.” Sehun whispers but Jongin elbows him anyways. Joonmyun gestures for them to sit on one of the tables that Jongin notices is a new addition to the convenience store. He tries not to think about just how long he’s been gone.
“So how come you’ve been busy a lot?” Joonmyun asks taking a sip from his slushie. Jongin swallows his own saliva. He wasn’t expecting a confrontation from the couple so soon. He takes a deep breath and tries to think of a reason why he would bury himself into studying and dancing aside from the truth of not wanting to see Joonmyun and Kyungsoo together.
“I was studying so my grades wouldn’t look bad on College applications and then I had to practice so that scouts from multiple agencies would be impressed. Plus, my instructor told me I had a lot to cover this year.” He finishes and it’s not half a lie.
Sehun scoffs. “We’re in the same year and you don’t see me studying and dancing as hard as you.”
“And that’s why you’ll always be second best.” Jongin remarks with a smirk and everyone laughs except for Sehun who speaks of revenge as he gulps down his gatorade. For some strange reason he finds himself alone with Kyungsoo after a while. This day is slowly throwing him more surprises, surprises that Jongin isn't quite sure how to handle.
“You look like hell.” Kyungsoo jokes and Jongin gives him a sheepish smile rubbing his eyes and feeling the slight heaviness in them. He hasn’t been sleeping well since he started avoiding Kyungsoo and the dreams recently make him wake up earlier than usual and finds it hard to go back to sleep. He uses the time to either study or dance.
“I feel like hell.”
“So I’m guessing you really haven’t been going to the field?” Kyungsoo asks and as Jongin looks into his eyes he can feel the slight tense of his body ebb away just slightly.
“I kind of forgot about it.” Jongin chuckles rubbing the back of his neck.
“Why don’t we go before going home? I bet it would make you feel better.” Kyungsoo smiles and doesn’t wait for Jongin to respond as he holds on to Jongin’s wrist pulling him up and out of his chair.
They exit the convenience store and make their way to the field catching up on the past year.
“You know I sometimes waited for you to drop by.” Kyungsoo admits a pinkish hue tainting his cheeks. Jongin smiles at Kyungsoo’s obvious embarrassment and tries not to think too much of it. He tries not to think about how that is exactly the reason why he didn’t go to the garden, afraid of running into Kyungsoo, or maybe Kyungsoo and Joonmyun. He’d rather shield his eyes and heart from even more heartbreak. The hand holding is already too much.
“Really?”
“Yeah, well you stopped replying and I couldn’t really talk to you. I was beginning to think you were avoiding me or something.” Kyungsoo shrugs not meeting Jongin’s eyes. “But then I kept bumping into Sehun and he told me you were just really busy and that you were doing it to him to.” Kyungsoo laughs at this and looks at Jongin, and when their eyes meet, Kyungsoo swiftly looks straight ahead. “You have a tendency to be a bad friend when you’re so focused with your career, Jongin ah.”
Jongin laughs as he looks straight ahead because it’s true and he can’t say anything to that. He shrugs and says, “I’m sorry. I’ve always been like that since middle school. Which is why I only have Sehun.”
“But now you have me, too, right?” Kyungsoo asks and when Jongin turns to look at Kyungsoo, time seems to stop because Kyungsoo is looking at him and this time none of them are looking away. The question is ringing in his ears, echoing in his mind and he knows it’s an innocent enough question but his heart rate triples anyways and he can’t breathe properly.
“Yeah.” He manages to reply. Kyungsoo beams at him and Jongin wishes time would really stop right then and there because this is what he wants. This is also what he can’t have.
Jongin turns his head away and his breath catches in his throat as he is greeted by the sunset view of the field. The red orange sky bathes him in a relaxing ambience and he takes slow several steps to the garden, sitting down on the soft grass not even waiting for Kyungsoo. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Every exhale feels like all the tiredness of his sleepless nights are fading. There’s rustling beside him and he finds Kyungsoo lying down on the grass with eyes closed.
He wishes for a moment he hadn’t stopped going to this place in fear of seeing Kyungsoo or Kyungsoo with Joonmyun. This place would have been a magical stress reliever for him after his dance classes. He lies down on the ground, pretending he doesn’t notice the warmth that Kyungsoo’s body emanates from beside him.
“I’m going to miss this when I graduate.” Kyungsoo begins eyes still closed. Jongin keeps his eyes trained on the sky but hums to show that he’s listening.
“This is probably the only downside of dorming.” Kyungsoo says with a sigh. Jongin turns his head to look at Kyungsoo whose eyes are admiring the sky. “And of course not being able to get to see you.” Kyungsoo smiles at him and Jongin’s heart skips a beat. “I’m really glad we’re okay. I don’t think I could have handled graduating from high school thinking there was something wrong with our friendship.” Kyungsoo finishes with a laugh and Jongin smiles, albeit a little bitterly.
“Sorry again hyung. I promise I won’t push you away anymore.” Kyungsoo pats him on the head, his fingers feel like they’re tangling in his hair a lot longer than they should. A blush forms in his cheeks and he hopes Kyungsoo doesn’t notice.
“When’s your graduation?” Jongin asks when Kyungsoo’s hand pulls away.
“In a month.” Kyungsoo sighs.
“You don’t seem to like the idea of graduating.” Jongin jokes. Kyungsoo shakes his head with a smile.
“Just scared of the future, you know? I don’t know what’s going to happen. Will I still be with Joonmyun? Will I like my university? Will I be able to make friends?” Jongin pretends the first question doesn’t hurt. Jongin wants to tell Kyungsoo how it isn’t the future he’s afraid of but the present that changes the future that he knows. That the present scares him more than the future because he’s seen his future, but he guesses that somewhere along the present, he’s made decisions that altered things.
“I’m sure you’ll be fine.” Jongin reassures, although it sounds like he’s assuring himself. “The future isn’t so scary. You just have to make the right decisions.”
Kyungsoo laughs. “You know, I haven’t known you for very long but it feels like we’ve been friends for a really long time.” Kyungsoo smiles and his eyes turn into little crescents and Jongin feels the sincerity of his words because he feels the same way. He tries not to think about how maybe they’re so at ease with each other because they’re supposed have already met when freshman year started, supposed to already be in a relationship by this time.
“I’m going to miss you.” Kyungsoo admits shyly and Jongin almost chokes on air.
“I’ll miss you, too, hyung.” He whispers back, eyes trying to avoid meeting Kyungsoo’s.
“Good.” Kyungsoo says as he pokes Jongin on the stomach. “That’s why you have to reply whenever I text you, okay?” Kyungsoo holds out his pinky and it’s a little childish Jongin comments but he thinks it’s exactly how Kyungsoo is. He entangles his own pinky to Kyungsoo’s and whispers, “It’s a promise, hyung.”
Jongin stands at the back of the crowd, his uniform making him easily recognizable. He has a wide grin on his face as he holds the bouquet in his hands. He looks at the stage in front and sees he’s just in time. People don’t take much notice of him, some of the students whisper as they point in his direction but he ignores them.
“Do Kyungsoo,” A teacher says and Jongin’s heart beat triples. He looks for a graduate to stand up from his seat, and when his eyes catch the sight of a familiar back, he follows him with his eyes.
Even from a distance, he knows it’s Kyungsoo. The smile on his face widens with pride as the teacher announces Kyungsoo’s countless awards, he can barely see the smile on Kyungsoo’s face but he knows it’s there and it’s wide and blinding.
His heart aches somehow as a feeling of deja vu wraps itself around him. Fragments of something similar flash in his mind and it feels as if there is someone gripping at his heart. Kyungsoo goes to the front of the stage, eyes seemingly surveying the crowd and then it feels as though Kyungsoo is looking straight into his eyes. Kyungsoo smiles and takes a bow. Jongin swears for a moment that smile was for him.
Once the ceremony is over, Jongin makes his way over the crowd to get to Kyungsoo and his friends so he can congratulate him properly. He takes big strides so he can get there quickly, almost as if someone is telling him to get there as soon as possible.
He is just a few feet away when he spots Joonmyun and Kyungsoo tight in each others’ embrace. Jongin’s heart stops beating. He feels like the world has stopped revolving except for the two right in front of him who are moving in slow motion. They pull apart and Jongin knows what’s going to happen next. He takes a deep breath as if to somehow make time move again. Joonmyun closes his eyes and so does Kyungsoo. Jongin can’t move, he can’t turn away and he can’t breathe properly. When Kyungsoo’s lips meet Joonmyun’s, Jongin drops the bouquet. The world begins to move again. The noise of the cheering crowd deafens him. He needs to get out of this place. He needs to run away. Without thinking anymore, he runs.
His vision is blurred and he realizes there are tears in his eyes. He wipes them away but they just keep coming back.
He stops running and finds himself back in Kyungsoo’s secret hiding place. The tears don’t stop flowing no matter how hard he brushes them away with the sleeves of his uniform. His heart hurts so much he can’t breathe.
Jongin screams, he screams so loudly he’s sure he’ll lose his voice the next day. All he can think about is how it was supposed to be him who was kissing Kyungsoo congratulations.
Someone is running his hands all over his arms as if to warm him up. He feels soft plush thighs on either side of his hips and he feels the warmth from them spreading to his hands as he touches the silky skin.
He wants to open his eyes but they are too heavy. He can hear mumbling and he knows the words but they seem so far away that he can’t understand them.
Jongin’s eyes flutter open to find his arm perpetually blocking his vision. He feels his phone vibrate in his coat pocket. And with a groan, he takes it out and finds himself smiling at the person who sent the message.
From: 경수형
Today’s your first day of classes, right? Good luck! d(n_n)b
Jongin sits up from the grassy bed he’s lying down on and smiles at his phone, typing in a quick reply. He lets the wind cool him down for a moment, closing his eyes as he feels the warmth of another body pressing up against him.
When he opens his eyes, not even the cold spring air gets his body to cool down. He tries to shake away the less than innocent thoughts that are coming to form in his mind. He checks the time and decides it’s time he go to school.
As he walks the streets, he can’t help thinking about how he spent his break, different memories coming to replace less than innocent thoughts in his mind.
After Kyungsoo graduated, Kyungsoo had texted him countless times and remembering the promise he’d made, he had no choice but to reply and comply to the older’s wishes. They spent most of their days together, talking and getting to know each other. Sometimes, Kyungsoo would watch him dance, and on other days, he would dance to Kyungsoo’s singing.
They had bonded quite well over the break, and Jongin pushed the memory of the graduation kiss far behind in his mind so that it wouldn’t resurface and taint his beautiful break.
He tries not to think about the nights that Kyungsoo couldn’t spend with him because of his dates with Joonmyun or the times that Kyungsoo couldn’t meet up with him because he’d made plans with Joonmyun. Those days, Jongin would go to the field and live in his dreams, in his own version of reality where Kyungsoo is his and not Joonmyun’s. Sometimes he dances, but most times he just dreams.
Jongin arrives just in time for his dance practice and before he can even tug off his jacket uniform, their dance instructor tells them there’s no need to change.
“No dance practice for seniors today because I’m giving you guys these.” Sir Lee says as he hands the now seniors’ envelopes, all identical and official looking. All the students begin to buzz as they realize who the envelopes is from.
“All lower class students, you may proceed to Studio 3 for your dance classes.” He says as he hands the last envelope to Jongin.
Jongin’s ears are buzzing with excitement and he can barely even hear the commotion some of his friends are making from reading their letter.
The envelope only has two words on it aside from his name. ‘The Company’ is blinding him with it’s silvery font and cursive writing. His heart is thundering in his chest as he rips open the envelope. Once the letter is in his hands, he unfolds it slowly only to close his eyes to the contents of the letter His hands are gripping the paper tightly and he can’t bear to see what it says.
“Jongin! Jongin!” He can vaguely hear Sehun calling him out, as if his voice is faded in the background. Sehun has his arms around him and he’s asking him what his letter says but Jongin doesn’t know because he hasn’t seen it.
“Jongin!” Sehun says a little louder. “Jongin! You passed!” Sehun says grabbing the paper from Jongin’s hands and shoving it to his face that when Jongin does open his eyes the first word he sees is ‘Congratulations!’.
“I passed.” He whispers in disbelief.
“You passed!” Sehun exclaims, the happiness radiating in his voice as he hugs Jongin. “We both did.” He whispers and Jongin returns the hug and laughs as he nearly cries because finally, some of his dreams are coming true.
As soon as Jongin pulls away, he runs to the rooftop of the school where he knows it will be quiet. He taps on his phone and waits for the person on the other line to pick up his call.
”Jongin?”
“Hyung! I got accepted! Hyung, I’m going to dance for The Company!” Jongin can barely contain his excitement as he voices out this certain reality.
”I’m so happy for you!” Kyungsoo says from the other end of the line. Jongin can tell the sincerity is there but something is off.
“Hyung?”
”You have to show me the letter when I come home, okay?” Kyungsoo replies avoiding the question Jongin had asked. It doesn’t go unnoticed by Jongin but he chooses to ignore it because Kyungsoo will tell him on his own time.
“I will.” He says smiling softly as he gazes down from the rooftop.
”I can’t wait.”
“Hyung? If you ever need to talk to someone, remember I’m always here.” He adds before he says goodbye. Kyungsoo chuckles and he thanks Jongin before hanging up.
Kyungsoo doesn’t come home that weekend.
Jongin spends most of his days dancing or sleeping, sometimes he studies but he’s so tired from dancing and sleeping that he can’t be bothered with schoolwork.
Someone kisses him on his forehead, then the tip of his nose and he can feel the lips of the person ghost over his own for a moment before it pulls back. He doesn’t have to open his eyes to know who the person is. “Jongin.” The voice whispers, it’s deep timber sending shivers down his spine.
Jongin’s eyes slowly open and from the haze he can see milky white skin, familiar and so close and warm.
Jongin bolts upright from his bed and groggily looks around his room. He sighs out of frustration because he’s been having that dream since his break started. It’s getting harder to ignore because he’s confused if it’s a dream or a vision. He ruffles his hair and plops back down on his bed.
“I’m losing my mind.” He tells himself.
He looks at his phone to check the time and date. It’s already Sunday and Kyungsoo will probably not be coming home again this weekend, which was weird because Joonmyun had gone back. He tries not to think too much about it and begins to get ready to dance the day away once more.
Another week passes by and Jongin is certain that his dreams are a vision of one complete scenario. He’s just not sure why it’s in fragments. He is also certain that Kyungsoo is avoiding going home. He wonders for a moment if he should text him. He never really texted Kyungsoo before, and he’s not sure if their friendship allows that kind of interaction.
Of course it does, but sometimes he forgets that Kyungsoo is in a relationship because they spend so much time together. It becomes easy to make Joonmyun disappear in the background and fool himself into thinking that it is him that Kyungsoo loves. These kind of thoughts make him even more wary to initiate anything with Kyungsoo, lest his feelings become obvious.
He takes a deep breath and texts Kyungsoo anyways.
Kyungsoo replies three days later, on a Friday, just as Jongin comes home.
From: 경수형
Do you think we could talk when I get back? I’m going home tomorrow.
Jongin wastes no time in replying sensing that there might be something wrong with Kyungsoo. He bites his lip as they settle on a time and place. He hasn’t seen Kyungsoo in weeks and he’s a little bit worried at what they have to talk about. Has Kyungsoo found out about his feelings? Is Kyungsoo alright? Is there something wrong with Kyungsoo?
He falls asleep that night worried with what Kyungsoo might have to say, different scenarios playing it out in his head.
Jongin arrives just in time at the field and he finds Kyungsoo already sitting on the grass. He approaches him carefully because he's afraid of what Kyungsoo has to say.
He sits down beside the older boy and finds that Kyungsoo's eyes are a little red and puffy.
"Hyung? What's wrong? Why are you crying?" Jongin asks his voice laced with worry and concern. Kyungsoo wipes his tears abruptly and tries to smile but the cracks are so visible that it makes Jongin inwardly cringe.
"I'm--I--I don't know." Kyungsoo stutters and all of a sudden he breaks out into sobs and Jongin doesn't know what to do for a second but then he's instinctively wrapping his arms around Kyungsoo and holds him close as Kyungsoo cries his heart out.
Kyungsoo cries until he can no longer shed any tears, he cries and cries until Jongin's shirt is soaked. And Jongin thinks with the tears he's shed, that Kyungsoo has held in the pain for a long time alone.
"I'm here, hyung. It's going to be okay." He whispers kissing Kyungsoo's temple.
When Kyungsoo has no more tears to shed, he stays in Jongin's arms for a few more minutes because for the first time in weeks he actually feels safe. He reluctantly pulls away and Jongin reluctantly lets go.
Kyungsoo wipes his eyes and tries to dry his face. He apologizes for wetting Jongin's shirt and takes a deep breath. They're quiet for a while, no one's talking. Jongin won't ask because Kyungsoo will tell him so they bask in the silence.
"I think Joonmyun's breaking up with me." Kyungsoo sighs looking at the grass. He's hugging his knees to his chest and Jongin thinks that Kyungsoo looks so fragile.
Jongin doesn't interrupt Kyungsoo as he tells him when he started noticing the changes in their relationship. He listens and listens and his heart can't help but reach out to Kyungsoo.
"I don't know what to do. I couldn't go home because I was afraid of seeing him. We haven't had a decent conversation since we started going to college. It was easy to avoid him because we have different courses but when I'm here, everything reminds me of him--"
"Hyung," Jongin interrupts Kyungsoo, holding onto his shoulders and he takes a deep breath because what he's about to say will also break his heart. "Hyung, it's not over yet. You and Joonmyun hyung can still talk it out. You have to calm down."
He looks into Kyungsoo's eyes and hopes that all Kyungsoo can see in them is the sincerity and none of the pain that he feels as he lets those words go. Kyungsoo seems to take in his words and wipes his eyes again for tears that were spilled while he rambled. He chuckles. "You're right, Jongin ah. I am acting as if we're over." Kyungsoo smiles but it looks so broken and Jongin wishes he could somehow do something to change that. Jongin looks at the horizon and tries to think of something to cheer Kyungsoo up. And an idea pops in his mind almost instantly.
"Hyung, I have an idea." He smiles at Kyungsoo as he pulls him up to stand. He doesn't wait for Kyungsoo's approval as he drags him along to wherever he wants to take Kyungsoo and when he looks back at Kyungsoo with a wide excited grin on his face, Kyungsoo can't help the smile that breaks out onto his face.
Jongin takes Kyungsoo to his house where he is hurriedly introduced to Jongin's parents and rushed into Jongin's room where his acceptance letter is. When they finish gushing about Jongin's acceptance to The Company, Jongin takes Kyungsoo to his favorite restaurant. It's a little far from their neighborhood and it takes them a while to get there but when Kyungsoo's eyes light up at the sight of the cozy restaurant, he knows he made the right decision.
When they finish eating, Jongin takes Kyungsoo to his first ballet school where he still volunteers to help out. They are greeted by little girls in their tights and leotards. Jongin helps them into position and helps them master certain poses. The instructor relays stories of Jongin being a pain in his dance class to Kyungsoo while Jongin vehemently denies it all. The instructor finishes with how proud she is with what Jongin's accomplished. Jongin blushingly thanks her. He doesn't have spare clothes and the right attire so they don't stay long even though the head instructor assures Jongin that it's fine and Jongin promises Kyungsoo to perform for him the next time he comes home.
The sun is just about to set when Jongin takes Kyungsoo back to the field.
"Today, hyung, I hope I helped you forget about your troubles with Joonmyun hyung. Even if for just a little while." He smiles sheepishly at Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo's eyes widen with realization and a bright smile adorns his face. He holds Jongin's hand and squeezes it.
"Thank you."
That night Kyungsoo texts him that he and Joonmyun had made up.
Jongin barely spends time with Kyungsoo because his weekends are spent balancing his time with friends and his boyfriend whom he never sees on weekdays. Jongin wants to complain but he has no right. So, he dances and dances until he’s too tired to even think and all he can do is sleep and dream.
It’s that time of the year again when things become blurry for Jongin. When he doesn’t exactly know the dates or how many months has passed, if time did pass, at all.
His grades are still perfectly fine despite the fact that he barely listens to his classes. Sehun sometimes looks at him worriedly but he knows Jongin will be alright. After all, this has been going on for four years.
From: 김준면
Can we talk?
Jongin's eyes widen at the sender. Joonmyun and him aren't the closest of people and this is the first time Joonmyun has ever texted him. He takes a while before replying thinking of possible things Joonmyun may want to tell him. None of the possible conversation topics he comes up with sound very inviting. He takes a deep breath and replies with curt 'sure'.
They meet up at a cafe near Jongin's school. Joonmyun pays for their orders, much to Jongin's chagrin. They settle down on one of the tables by the window in the farthest corner.
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I know you're busy with your Christmas recitals and all." Joonmyun starts but Jongin waves him off.
"It's okay," Jongin takes a drink of his warm drink. "My instructor told me I've been working too hard again so he's pretty happy that I'm taking a break today." He adds with a chuckle and Joonmyun smiles.
The atmosphere is awkward and Jongin wants Joonmyun to get it done and over with. He's half expecting Joonmyun to tell him to back off from Kyungsoo and the other half is expecting Joonmyun to punch him. He focuses on his cup so Joonmyun won't see that he's nervous.
Joonmyun sighs, "I'm breaking up with Kyungsoo."
For a moment, Jongin thinks he hadn't heard right but when he looks at Joonmyun he can see no signs of joking. He's looking out the window with a sad smile on his face.
"What?" Jongin manages to utter.
Joonmyun gives him a wry smile. "Kyungsoo's not in love with me. At least not anymore. Not since he met you..."
Jongin is flooded with guilt at Joonmyun's words.
"I--I'm sorry."
Joonmyun chuckles but there is no spite in it, Maybe self pity but Jongin isn't sure.
"Promise me you'll take care of him." Joonmyun musters the most sincere smile he can give at the moment and so Jongin promises. He still doesn't really believe that Kyungsoo is in love with him, as if Joonmyun's words weren't enough to convince him. But he allows himself to hope that maybe just maybe Kyungsoo does and he will finally have his happy ending.
A week later, Kyungsoo cries himself to sleep in Jongin's arms.
The feel of soft warm thighs spreads through his hands and as he slides his hands up slowly he opens his eyes to find Kyungsoo looking at him with warm eyes. There are wrinkles by the side of his eyes and the maturity on his face is evident but he doesn't look like he's aged at all. It's almost as if Kyungsoo is still the same Kyungsoo he met back in high school.
Kyungsoo caresses his cheek and Jongin moves to sit up and rests his back on the headboard. He returns the smile Kyungsoo gives him and pulls the older closer to him.
"Did I wake you?" Kyungsoo says brushing a few strands of Jongin's fringe away and Jongin leans in to the touch.
"It's okay."
Jongin's heart is beating so loudly it's starting to deafen him. This whole situation feels so surreal. The tips of Kyungsoo's fingers feel different, the warmth is spreading throughout his body. It feels suffocating yet inviting.
"Is this real?" Jongin can't help asking even though deep down he knows this is just another vision.
Kyungsoo chuckles and the sound echoes through the walls of the bedroom and bounces in Jongin's mind. "Jongin, are you okay?" Kyungsoo sounds amused as he leans into Jongin so that their foreheads are touching.
"I--I'm not sure." Jongin closes his eyes because Kyungsoo is too close and Kyungsoo is breathing his air and he can't breathe and it's too warm. His visions have never felt like this before.
"What's wrong?" And Jongin notices that Kyungsoo's tone has changed to one of worry as Kyungsoo intertwines their fingers together. Jongin's breath catches in his throat. Their position is so intimate and feels so real and right. He knows he's seen and felt far more intimate visions but they didn't feel like this. They didn’t make him feel alive and burning.
Jongin squeezes Kyungsoo's hand and chuckles because he's confused and he doesn't know what else to do. His voice is soft like he's run a marathon and has only had the time to rest. "Must've been a bad dream."
"What was it about?" Kyungsoo pulls away and Jongin opens his eyes to see Kyungsoo's worried gaze.
"I--" he pauses, not sure what he would tell Kyungsoo. "I dreamt that you were still with Joonmyun hyung and..." Jongin is surprised at the way he sounds like what he's saying is far from the truth, as if it weren't his reality. Kyungsoo pouts as he caresses Jongin’s cheeks.
“That was a long time ago, Jongin ah.” His tone is one of incredulity. Jongin gives him a solemn smile as if to apologize as he presses Kyungsoo’s hand closer to his cheek.
“I know, I’m sorry.” But he doesn’t mean it. Because he doesn’t know, and he’s not really sorry because for all he knows, this could just be another reality he can’t have.
“Are you really mine now?” He can’t help but whisper and Kyungsoo looks at him with wide eyes and sighs. He gives Jongin a small smile, as if to reassure him and Jongin thinks that maybe he looks a little pitiful (and he does, really).
“Yes, I’m all yours.”
Jongin wakes up drenched in sweat, his room feels a little stuffy and he feels a little feverish. He tries to get up but his body feels so heavy, he decides on staying on his bed. He groans because he knows he's sick.
"Mom!" He yells despite the strain it takes to talk. His mom comes in seconds after and when she finds Jongin still lying in bed, she knows something is wrong.
Usually, Jongin would mind the fussing but his head is aching and he can't really tell if his mom is fussing or not in his dazed state so he just lets her do as she pleases. When he's drank his medicine, his mother tells him to get some sleep.
He closes his eyes and hopes he doesn't dream.
Jongin's eyes flutter open and he feels like his brain is splitting itself in half. He knows his temperature has escalated to a degree he can only assume to be enough to make him feel like he's being burnt alive. He groans as he shifts in his bed to spot a blurry figure looming over him. His vision clears, only a little, but enough for him to decipher who is looming over him.
"Kyungsoo hyung," he chokes out, voice sounding weak and pitiful even to him. He thinks that maybe he's having another vision because there's no way Kyungsoo could be visiting him. Maybe this is a continuation of his previous vision, he thinks.
He brings out his arm from under the blanket and it feels so heavy and light and he thinks he might break it and he tries not to think how the cold bites at his skin as he sets his mind to fulfill his mission which is to caress Kyungsoo's cheek. When his palm lands on the soft planes of Kyungsoo’s face, he can’t help the smile that forms on his lips as he thinks of how lucky he would be if this were a reality.
“You’re mine now.” Jongin hears himself whisper. “All mine.”
“Jongin?” The confusion is evident in Kyungsoo’s voice but Jongin doesn’t seem to notice.
“I love you, Kyungsoo ah.” He weakly says as the blurred face of Kyungsoo makes it way to his eyes and he thinks it would be so unfair if he woke up to reality now and would find an empty bedside. “Never forget that.”
And he drifts off to unconsciousness.
Jongin doesn’t hear from Kyungsoo since Kyungsoo had cried in his arms, he keeps having the same vision every night which always wakes him up in cold sweat and to make matters worse he just doesn’t understand why things are happening the way they are.
He stops counting the days or weeks that have passed since the last time he talked to Kyungsoo and has decided to bury himself in his dancing, much to his instructor’s chagrin. Sehun tries and forces him to explain himself but Jongin just shrugs and continues with life. He knows what he’s doing is unhealthy but dancing is the only thing that makes him forget about Kyungsoo, even if for just a little while.
“Kim Jongin!” Jongin stops walking down the dance studio’s hallways and turns to find himself face to face with Lu Han, whom he hadn’t seen for almost the entire school year.
“You bastard.” He says icily as he walks closer to Jongin, cornering him against the wall, not far from behind he can see Sehun running up to them. “How dare you make my Sehunnie worried?”
Jongin wants to groan and roll his eyes at the remark but then Lu Han says something else that makes him shut up. “Jongin, we’re worried about you.”
“You can’t keep living like this. At first we thought maybe it would be okay but look at you, Jongin, you’re wasting away right in front of our eyes and you won’t even tell us why.” Lu Han’s voice is almost cracking, and even though he hasn’t seen Jongin waste away this year, he’s seen enough the past years to know that Jongin has reached a stage that may or may not be his worst.
Sehun clamps a hand on Lu Han’s shoulder as if to comfort the elder and Jongin realizes that maybe it’s time to ask for help.
With a sigh, Jongin hopes that his two friends really will be able to help him.
They find themselves in the cafe where Lu Han once treated them before he graduated and as soon as their orders have arrived, Jongin explains to Lu Han what he has told Sehun before and hopes his other friend will not judge him.
Lu Han may have just been the right person to share his secret with because not only is he very enthusiastic about Jongin’s ordeal, he offers a lot of helpful insight as well, almost as if it was his doing.
“So what’s your problem now?” Sehun asks once Jongin is done explaining to Lu Han how he thinks his visions work.
“Kyungsoo hyung hasn’t talked to me in a while.” Jongin sighs.
“How long is ‘in a while’?” Lu Han asks sharing a look with Sehun that Jongin doesn’t notice.
“I don’t know, a month maybe? The last time I talked to him was the day Joonmyun hyung broke up with him.”
“But weren’t you sick the week after that?” Jongin nods slowly not really getting why Sehun would mention it.
“Didn’t Kyungsoo ssi visit you?” Jongin looks at Sehun and finds no traces of joking in his facial features whatsoever.
“What do you mean?”
Sehun looks at him in disbelief and sighs, “I told him you were sick and he asked me for the directions to where you lived. I told your mom that Kyungsoo ssi might visit. You didn’t know? Your mom didn’t tell you?” Sehun asks and Jongin double takes because his mind is piecing the details of Sehun’s story to his situation. He’s about to have an epiphany.
“I told him I loved him.” Jongin whispers as his eyes widen with realization.
“What?” Lu Han exclaims and Jongin feels his hands shake a little as he scrambles to explain what kind of a mess he just made.
“I--I thought I was dreaming and I just, I thought he was a vision and I told him I love him and , what am I going to do now?” Jongin breathes out slightly panicky now that he knows why Kyungsoo is avoiding him. They spend an extra hour in the cafe brainstorming of ways to fix the situation but Jongin finds none that is helpful, especially since all ideas seemed to require the willingness of the other party and Kyungsoo seems like he’s beyond willing at the moment.
It takes Jongin a month before he can corner Kyungsoo and talk to him. He holds onto his wrist just as Kyungsoo's exited his house, his grip tight but not enough to hurt.
"Hyung," he breathes out. And he tries not to notice how Kyungsoo visibly winces as he whirls him around so they can face each other.
"Please let me go." Kyungsoo's voice is small almost as if Jongin is going to hurt him and this sends a million arrows through Jongin's heart as he reluctantly lets go.
"I'm sorry," Jongin meekly says and he doesn't even know why he's apologizing, he doesn't exactly have to. They are enveloped in awkward silence for a moment because the words Jongin had wanted to say are now gone and have flown out of his mind.
"At least let me explain," it ends up sounding more like a question than a statement but Jongin is beyond caring because his friendship with Kyungsoo is on the line. Kyungsoo keeps his head down and won't look at him and it scares him to hear what Kyungsoo has to say.
"I'm sorry but I'm not ready..." and I don't think I'll ever be.
The implication isn't lost and Jongin sighs and balls his fist in an attempt to stop himself from crying or hitting the wall. He bites his bottom lip and closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Right now Jongin hates the world, Joonmyun who made him hope, his visions that have always lied to him and himself for believing every bit of it.
He turns aways just as his tears begin to fall and he remembers sadly how he originally had wanted to invite Kyungsoo to the Christmas showcase. He wipes his tears away (even if they keep on falling) and thinks bitterly that he should've known this was how things would have ended.
Jongin buries himself in practicing for the Christmas showcase but this time he's so tired he just wants to drop dead and sleep. But sleep means having to have the same vision of Kyungsoo straddling him and whispering in his ears that he's Jongin's and that makes him wake up hot and bothered. He can't go back to sleep after that, no matter how tight he closes his eyes and he knows if he does fall back asleep he'll only dream of the same vision.
He rests his back on the wall of the dressing room and closes his eyes. Today's the day of the showcase but he thinks any second now he will fall from fatigue.
"Hey, you ok?" He feels Sehun's hand on his shoulder and he weakly replies with a small yeah. He hears Sehun sigh but he doesn't open his eyes.
"If it makes you feel better, I think I saw Kyungsoo ssi among the crowd." Sehun finally says and Jongin doesn't know whether to believe him but it's enough to push him on to perform.
He’s standing on stage waiting for his cue when he spots Kyungsoo on the front lines. He doesn't know how he can see him but it's all that he needs not to break down and fall and make a fool of himself that night. When he's done performing, Jongin uses the last of his energy to chase after his hyung. He doesn't see him amongst the crowd and he blinks multiple times because he thinks maybe he was just seeing things.
"Jongin, what are you doing?" Jongin whirls his head around only to be met with the worried eyes of his best friend.
"I--I thought I saw Kyungsoo hyung." He breathes out and Sehun looks out at the crowd looking for a familiar face.
"Weird, I saw him too, he's not in the spot where I saw him. Maybe he left?" Sehun offers and Jongin hopes his best friend is right because if he's starting to see things then he might as well jump off a cliff right now.
Jongin requests to be allowed to go home early and not finish the showcase. His instructor gazes at him, eyes scrutinizing before sighing. Jongin is let go and he doesn't have to guess why he's allowed. He's pretty sure he looks like hell right now. He's seen himself in the mirror and he knows this is the worst he's been.
As soon as he gets home, he takes a warm shower and immediately feels a bit lighter. He dresses up in warm clothes and wraps himself in his warm blanket. He wants to sleep but he can't because he doesn't want to dream of Kyungsoo, he doesn't want to see or hear lies. He grabs his phone and tries to see if there's anyone he can call or talk to.
He sits up on his bed and reluctantly dials Kyungsoo's number. There is this need inside of him to explain his feelings, to relay his emotions and not be avoided anymore.
Kyungsoo picks up on the second ring and answers with a small hello. It sounds so weak almost as if he was afraid to pick up the call in the first place. Jongin takes a deep breath and gathers his thoughts.
"I know you don't want to hear what I have to say but I have to tell you, hyung. So please allow me this chance and not put the phone down, please just hear me out." He pleads and Jongin only hears shallow breathing on the other side and he takes this as a yes.
He takes a deep breath and begins his story of a boy who only knew how to dance until he started dreaming of a boy, a boy he fell in love with, a boy he could only be with in his dreams. He ends his story with a soft murmur of how much the boy loves the boy in his dreams and how much it hurts that he can't have this one particular dream come true.
There are tears rolling down his eyes as Jongin finishes and his voice is shaky when he says "Good night, hyung." His heart whispers those three words he wishes he could say out loud. He sighs shakily and wipes the tears away. Despite it though, when he closes his eyes that night, he feels lighter and better than he has in a week. But what makes it all better is that he doesn't even dream that night as he goes to sleep.
Jongin doesn't hear from Kyungsoo after that. Before he knows it, his graduation draws near and he realizes with a bitter smile that even though he's accomplished a lot in his past four years, the one thing he wanted to achieve the most, he wasn't able to obtain.
"Stop brooding." Sehun smiles down at him, handing him a bottle of gatorade. Jongin thanks him with a small smile as Sehun sits beside him in the empty dance studio.
They'd been practicing for their last showcase and Jongin and Sehun had stayed behind because of their solos that would determine their position in The Company.
Jongin takes a gulp of his gatorade and thinks of his past showcases and how far he's come. He never expected to excel this much in dancing and even though what drove him on half the time was his unrequited feelings for Kyungsoo, he can't help but think that without Kyungsoo, maybe he wouldn't have bothered to push himself so hard. He thinks of it as ironic really that his depression had made him the successful dancer that he is.
"By the way, Miss Kim wanted me to tell you that you're part of the Top 10 students so you can't miss graduation practices." Sehun says and Jongin nods.
"Did she say what my place was?" Jongin turned to look at Sehun who only shook his head.
"Nope, she said something about it being a surprise." Sehun shrugs. "Anyways, I'm part of it, too so don't look so nervous." Sehun chuckles and Jongin joins in as he throttles Sehun.
Since that day he called Kyungsoo, Jongin had found himself gaining a sense of normalcy in his life. Even though he'd screwed up their friendship, the knowledge that Kyungsoo knew how he felt was enough of a compensation to gain him some sanity in his otherwise very confusing life. The visions had lessened, only threatening him at least once a week. The vision was still the same but Jongin paid no more attention to it because he was finally seeing a world without Kyungsoo. It had hurt at first but he realized that he would be fine.
"Hey," Jongin began as he finished his gatorade. "Thanks." for everything.
Sehun turns to look at Jongin and returns the smile that his best friend is giving him, fully understanding the meaning behind the short sentence.
Jongin closes his eyes and takes a deep breath as he waits for the cue of the music before he begins and looks up to the eyes of the audience. He tries not to think about how this is his last dance on this stage that has made his dreams come true. He tries not to think about how the boy he’s dedicated this whole routine is not here and focuses on his breathing, on the silence and waits for the music to play.
This moment feels like I was born as a child who knew nothing
Jongin hears the music begin and he looks up at the crowd, the lights blinding him for a moment. He’s thankful he doesn’t have to start dancing as soon as the music plays so he has a moment to adjust before he dances in time with the beat and the lyrics.
He tries to survey the people and looks for a familiar face, for those wide eyes who needs to see this dance because this whole routine is dedicated for him. Because this dance and this song are the words Jongin can’t say. So he relays them the best way he knows how, through dance.
Taken by the soft wind to your world
He does a swift turn and that’s when he spots him, wide eyes glistening with the way lights shine on him. He’s sane enough to know that this time he’s not seeing things, that Kyungsoo is watching and seeing this. So Jongin closes his eyes, and begins to dance the message of the song, bringing the song to life and pouring his heart and soul out for the boy in the audience to take.
This is all Jongin can offer, and he’s not sure if it’s enough but this is all he can give and all he has, really, so he hopes and prays that it is.
It will be paradise.
Jongin clutches the front of his shirt tightly as he pants feeling the weariness in his muscles but feeling the sense of accomplishment course through his veins. He turns to face the audience and looks for that boy who he has offered his everything to and smiles at him. He straightens his body and bows. Before Jongin can even pull up, the crowd is already cheering and clapping for his wonderful performance and Jongin has never felt like this before. It feels amazing as the rest of the dancers clamber on the stage and hug and congratulate him and the others for a job well done.
The dancers line up horizontally and take a bow as the crowd continues to grow wild. Through it all, Jongin never takes his eyes off Kyungsoo. The way the older boy looks at him, he knows he has conveyed his message and he thinks that maybe this is why it feels so different.
Jongin adjusts his yellow jacket, dusting off imaginary dirt. He looks at his reflection in the mirror and somehow he smiles because he knows the face that looks back at him. It's the same one he saw that time he first had a vision.
He exits his room with fond memories of the past four years, a road littered with regrets and pain but glittering with hope and dreams. He thinks about Kyungsoo and how he'd manage to bring out the best and worst in him. He thinks about their friendship and the visions he had. He thinks and thinks and he remembers and remembers until he finds himself seated in the gym along with his batch mates.
His heart hammers in his chest and he takes deep breaths to calm it down. He looks around surveying the crowd, he's not really looking for someone, not this time.
He looks to his left and finds Sehun dozing off and he takes a quick snapshot for remembrance. "Hey, wake up. We're about to start." He says and Sehun glares at him as he wakes up and fixes his uniform.
The MC stands on stage and tells the crowd to quiet down. She proceeds to invite the graduates to stand up and Jongin can't quite believe that he's made it this far.
"Congrats by the way." Sehun leans in and whispers as they sit down again.
"What for?"
Sehun looks as if he wants to laugh when he says, "For being valedictorian."
"Thanks." Jongin smiles and his heart begins its thunderous drumming once more.
He can dance in front of a million people but he's not quite sure he can deliver a valedictory speech. He gulps and tries not to think about it, tries not to curse his best friend for reminding him of his predicament.
Once the diplomas are handed out, the MC calls on stage the Juniors for their intermission number and tells Jongin, the valedictorian, to be ready with his speech. This doesn't exactly help his nerves so he tries to take even deeper breaths. He doesn't even know why he's so nervous.
He doesn’t even know how he makes it to the stage without tripping or making a fool of himself. He fumbles with his speech for a minute before looking down at his classmates and takes a deep breath. He looks up for a moment, just trying to calm himself down when he spots Kyungsoo smiling softly at him, and their eyes meet for a moment but Kyungsoo doesn’t look away. Jongin finds that it’s the only thing that calms him down enough so he can start his speech.
Jongin reminds his batch mates of everything they’ve been through the past four years, showcases that started in tears and sweat but ended in smiles and laughters, exams that almost killed them (although there was a lot of negative feedback about how Jongin barely even needed to study for exam week), and a whole lot more. He talks of lessons and experiences they’ve gathered throughout the years but most of all, he elaborates on the people who’ve touched their lives, that have left their mark in their hearts that even if they’re no longer all together in one school, they will always be in each others hearts. It’s a bit cheesy and it has some of the guys snickering, but they all agree and half the girls are on the verge of tears so he thinks that his speech is a lot better than he originally thought.
The graduation ceremony ends with a song sung by the graduating batch and almost everyone is crying. Jongin has to admit he is near tears as well as everyone envelops him in tight meaningful embraces and whispers in his ears variations of friendly, encouraging messages. He’s been with these people for four years and it’s sad to think that now feels like a goodbye.
Sehun is the last one to approach him, to put his arms around him and he whispers, “Glad you made it.” Jongin tries not to burst into tears at those words, knowing full well how close he was to losing himself in his visions. “Congratulations and thanks for everything.” Sehun finishes and smiles at him, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. He watches his best friend walk away with a fond smile plastered on his face as he sees Lu Han run to him arms wide and welcoming.
When Jongin turns to face away from the couple, he finds himself bumping into someone he least expects to see.
“Kyungsoo hyung,” he breathes out just as his heart beat begins to echo in his ears. Kyungsoo is holding a fairly large bouquet and hands it to him with a shy smile.
“Can I talk to you somewhere in private?” Kyungsoo doesn’t look him in the eyes, as he says this but Jongin nods anyways and he finds himself dragging Kyungsoo to corner in the gym he usually uses as his hiding spot.
“I—um—congratulations,” Kyungsoo’s face is tinted with a soft pink and Jongin thinks he may be seeing things as Kyungsoo hands him the bouquet. Jongin wordlessly takes them and holds them, not really sure what to do with them.
“I saw you at my graduation, you know.” Kyungsoo begins as he stands beside Jongin so Jongin can’t really see his whole face. “But you ran just as I turned to face you. I got your flowers though, uhm, this is kind of a thanks for that. Sorry, it’s kind of late.” He scratches the back of his neck still refusing to look at Jongin.
“I thought about what you told me a few months ago.” Kyungsoo starts again, his voice a little shaky and nervous and Jongin is not sure what to expect from this conversation. Because hasn’t Kyungsoo already turned him down? What’s all this for? He can’t help but be even more confused as he feels his heart suddenly weigh like a ton of boulders were on its way to crush it. “I’m so sorry, Jongin ah.”
Jongin thinks his world has just ended. He thought he’d been fine all along, that he was finally beginning to see a world without Kyungsoo but this, what was happening right now, was making him realize how wrong he was. He stops breathing for a moment as his world slowly deteriorates and he thinks he might faint or something.
“When Joonmyun broke up with me, he told me that it was because I didn’t love him anymore and I thought he must have been stupid.” Kyungsoo breathes out a broken chuckle and Jongin tries to focus on his words and he doesn’t understand just what Kyungsoo is trying to tell him or why he is even still speaking because he’s already turned him down, right? “And then he told me that you loved me and that you were the right one for me and I needed to stop fooling myself that I was still in love with him because I wasn’t, not anymore.”
There are tears in the corner of Kyungsoo’s eyes and Jongin knows he’s trying to stop them from falling. He takes another deep breath and Jongin kind of shuts his ears off, afraid of hearing a more elaborate speech of Kyungsoo’s rejection. The words ‘I’m so sorry’ are still ringing in his ears, echoing in the depths of his mind and he’s just graduated, this is probably the worst thing that could have ever happened in his life.
“—but I realized he was right.” Kyungsoo wipes at his cheeks and continues to speak, “I originally didn’t want to believe you and your story when you called me,” he laughs a little as he says this, “but it makes perfect sense now.” He turns to look at Jongin, his eyes a little red and his cheeks marred with tear stains. He holds onto Jongin’s hand and squeezes them lightly.
Jongin is still a little at a loss for words as he silently gapes at Kyungsoo who is smiling despite the tears. “You and I are meant to be, Jongin.” Kyungsoo smiles so brightly despite the tears decorating his face and Jongin’s heart skips a beat, or maybe a multitude of beats, he’s not sure, but he feels like his world has stopped, rebooted and restarted all over again. “I couldn’t keep lying to myself. I told myself I didn’t want to see you, but I kept having this need to be with you. And I’m so sorry it took me this long to realize it, but I want you to know that I love you, Jongin ah.”
There are fireworks in Jongin’s heart or maybe it’s in his head, he’s not quite sure but he ends up blinking confusedly at Kyungsoo who laughs as he wipes his tears away and repeats in a whispered manner, leaning in close to Jongin, “I love you.”
Jongin’s face threatens to split in two as he smiles so widely and envelops the older in his arms and he thinks, “Finally!”
“I love you, too.” Jongin half whispers, half shouts into Kyungsoo’s ears, not letting go because he’s still a little afraid that maybe he’s still dreaming. Kyungsoo laughs into his chest, burying his face into the material of Jongin’s jacket as he holds on just as tight.
“Are you mine now?” Jongin finds himself softly uttering and he doesn’t expect an answer because he was sure Kyungsoo hadn’t heard but he hears the reply, loud and clear but only for his ears to hear.
“Yes, I’m all yours.”
Jongin pushes Kyungsoo just far enough so he can see all of his face. Kyungsoo’s smiling so brightly and Jongin feels his lips mirror the expression. He feels like he could cry at any moment. He’s so happy right now that all he wants is to kiss Kyungsoo, taste those lips he’d only ever kissed in his dreams, and so he does. He closes his eyes and leans forward and Kyungsoo meets him halfway. When their lips touch, Jongin feels as though finally, finally, he’s no longer living in his fantasies.
And he never has a vision again.
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