He had moved to cloud nine since the moment she whispered the magical sentence before letting him taste her lips for their first kiss, because of which he shamelessly declared himself an instinctive good kisser. He had seen her under different light for too long to believe the mere fact that she liked him back. This was so unreal when finally reality was more beautiful than all the dreams he had ever experienced summing up. 

He wondered if it was just him or everybody was all so cheesy if it came to first love. Her hair was like cotton candy to touch. The tattoos on her back were the iest things ever although they were just religious quotes. Her voice singing a Chinese lullaby for him through the phone at the end of the day was the sweetest sound to hear. Rihanna, Miranda Kerr or Shin Min Ah with fully make up didn't reach the beauty of her half sleeping face in the early mornings when he came to her place, just to carry her to bed again so that she could rest on his chest and sleep a little more, so that he could watch the sleeping beauty a little more.  He would hug and kiss all over her face for a whole  day if she let him to and started missing her in 2 seconds after sending her home. It wasn't much better on her side. Writing love songs and quoting poetries were not enough, she said something on radio which according to his personal rephrasing was she would love to have him as her husband. Just because of this, his feet barely touched the Earth surface almost a week later.

The loving birds enjoyed the thrill of secret dating about 3 months before being caught while making out in the agency building's stairway, by Chanyeolie. They came to a deal that the happy virus was allowed to spread the news only within their two groups. It took some descriptions about the poor guy's ugly sequels to add guaranty for the deal. Chanyoel would not die very nicely if he failed to keep it. Mostly the threat came from her because he couldn't wait more to go around bragging about their status and claim his territory around her.  He felt like a king officially introducing his girlfriend to the rest of the gang of which one third had their crush on her. Her outgoing tendency and natural attraction were all turning to crimes for him seeing boys hugging her like nobody's property while she was his in deed. The only optimistic thing was his girlfriend's clueless humility about her raising popularity in males.

Among her satellites, Kris was the most irritated one to watch. Visibly, he hadn't got over the shadow of their former relationship, judging by the way he treated her like his lady highness. He doubted it when the older one told him about considering Amber his little sister. But what kind of big brother had longing gazes and obvious behaviours toward his sister like that? Even Kris fans who mainly coming from overseas, started to believe and support their bias' delusional love. Frankly, it tortured him to keep their relationship low profile for a promise. She didn't want to be ripped alive by his exaggerated domestic fan girls. How pathetic he was when even her fandom liked Kris. She just kissed away his jealousy, stating clearly that Kris was no more but a long term friend but he couldn't care less. They were each other's first love, having history to share and like people said, first love never faded. Deep down inside, he raised the thought that he forever was the party giving more love to the latter in their relationship. However, loving her, he learnt how to sacrifice his selfishness to accept the girl for who she was and he knew she did the same thing. His stubbornness was not always easy do deal with.

In one year and a half of their relationship, pressure, insecurity, age difference and the lack of time being together only drew them closer, so that together they could unseal the secrets being enveloped beneath the masks of each other's soul. Above being a lover, a confidant, she was a drug that the more he tasted, the harder he quit. Though, he found no reason to quit, they were born for each other. 

Eventually, magic ended and now only regret contented underneath the wall of his heart. Throwing glass with the remaining wine into the wall, he looked blankly at its shattering sharp pieces. Whiskey was useless to forget the last thing he said to her:

“Have you ever loved me?”

One simple question and those crystal brown orbs were no longer reflected his face.  Those velvet lips were no longer his privacy. And Amber was no longer the name of his girlfriend.

It was a quarter after one - 29 days, 1 hour and 53 minutes - since the day they broke up. She took the morning flight to New York the day after, following the schedule of preparing f(x) new US album and they didn't contact since then. Running both of hands into his messy hair and everything on the day before her trip, which they supposed to spend together but she failed to show up as promising. Vaguely, the odd day reran in his brain like playing and old tape: 57  missed calls and 30 messages, disappointment, anxiety, despair, late night, the narrow path in front of her place, heavy rain, she and Kris, long embrace and face caressing. And the most painful part: hands intertwining, the interaction they saved only for each other, or at least he thought so, was now involved a third person.   Blood ran upstream inside his vein and anger wrenched his heart. It hurt, to the point that he didn't bother to understand a single thing she said to explain. He just blindly spitted those words and she answered with teary eyes wide opened in crumble trust, scratched self -honour and heartbreaking.

"Fine, Sehun, if you think so, then we're done."

With that, again she left. This time properly she was not going to coming back.

Everything made sense when Kris returned to Vancouver to see his father for the last time several days later while there was a well-known story among EXO members about the disharmony between Kris and his father. Before departing, the huyng came to make clear his misunderstanding but it was no longer important why they picked up that fight in the first instance. The thing was he couldn't take them back, those word he had thrown onto her face.  He made a sin to disclaim her love, to took their love for granted.

“One year and a half of love and efforts was all in vain, Sehun ah, from the second you said those words.”

He couldn’t breathe normally ever since waking up from his anger and acknowledge its consequence. The advantage of dating a celebrity was the ability to see how they lived after breaking up despite not having enough bravery to ask. He watched her through fancams and pictures people uploaded on her fansites.  She professionally looked nothing like a broken hearted girl but he knew her long enough to get the fact that she may cry out loud for a small injury but refused to display her sorrow publicly.  Her poker face couldn’t be differed from hatred, pain or anger. Reality punched him square in the face when the maknae of her group call to demand the reason why her unnie cried her heart out upon recording a new song. She cursed and he knew he deserved it.

Every second ticking and his heart was dying. He was the coward who was incapable of finding a way to beg her forgiveness, too afraid to face her and worst situation that she would never forgive him for what he had done. Never had she heard a bitter word from him much less something cut her this deep. He was a mess of complicated emotions who discovered no word possible to complete his unfinished apologizing email to her.

Beyond everything, nothing was much more desperately suffering than missing her. Being drunk almost every night to sleep, he would rather sleep forever than waking up with the obsession of already losing her.  Nevertheless, he had to live awakening with it which he believed to be the cruellest punishment. He wondered if he ever crossed her mind for once or it was too painful and disgusted for her to remember his face. She was always there for too long for him to bear the fact that she wasn't anymore, that he was so weary with her leaving his side.

His hand unconsciously found its way to the cell phone and before thinking he pressed the speed dial number 1. He was a little drunk and he didn’t want to think much. He just simply needed her now, needed her back to his life, needed to pay her the debt of an apology, needed to hear her voice even though just from her voicemail automatic reply.  Her phone was silent after in the fifth ringing tone and his heart skipped beating. She picked it up.

“Amber, it's me.”

“I know...”

“I miss you. Please, I need you...”

He couldn't hold it anymore. His sobs filled space between them.

She cut their phone call halfway, and his pain couldn't be more subsistent. She had walked past his life for real without forgiving. Here he was sitting motionless for how long he hardly knew, numbed, hopeless and broken, unable to feel anything, with tears silently falling. The last lesson she taught him was it would rather hurt than feeling nothing at all.

“Sehun ah…”

He startled, thinking about how he could already get insane to hear and see illusions or something because she was here, standing right at the entrance of his room, wearing one of his shirt and looking at him, tears stained. But it wasn't, he felt it when unknowingly lifting his limb and moving forward her sight. No illusion could be this warm and trembling in his embrace. It was her, Amber Liu, the girl haunted him since forever.

“You've back, Amber... You've back... I'm dying here, of missing you.”

 "You don't know how much it hurt me, the word you had said..."

And he swallowed her sobs in a deep kiss rooted from his heart, a lost then found kiss.

"I'm sorry Amber... Forgive me...don't leave me"

"I miss you too."

"This is not over. How are you going to make it up for me?

ShouId I pay you with all my life, Amber?"