Jongin doesn't have to work on weekends, but Kyungsoo isn't so lucky, and today he has an early shift. But before he can get out of bed, he notices the body pressed against his back, a comforting presence that spreads tingling heat across the expanse where they are connected. Carefully, he turns to face Jongin. His husband's face is close to his, and he can see the whispy shadows cast by thatched eyelashes, the subtle fluctuation of skin tone, the dusting of a stubble across Jongin's cheeks and chin.

 

Kyungsoo misses this.

 

They were in love, once. Kyungsoo remembers the feeling. He leans forward and presses a kiss into the skin beside Jongin's lips. Yes, they were in love, and maybe in some way they still are. This relationship, it's not anywhere near perfect, and they're not pushing to fix what's broken -- but they're not leaving, either. They're both still here. And that is enough for Kyungsoo.

 

Kyungsoo slides out of bed to leave for work and doesn't see the way Jongin's eyes open, staring regretfully at the empty space beside him and filing away the feel of Kyungsoo's lips against his skin. It's a feeling he had forgotten.

 

 

 

 

 

Yifan sidles into the space beside Kyungsoo in the breakroom. Kyungsoo eyes his store manager wearily. "What," he snaps.

 

"You're fired," Yifan immediately replies.

 

Kyungsoo scoffs and rolls his eyes. "You keep saying that, yet I still see myself scheduled, don't I."

 

Yifan cracks a smile. Kyungsoo can never decide if he thinks Yifan's smile makes him look more attractive or more ridiculous. Probably both. He contemplates this as he pops another grape in his mouth. Yifan snatches a grape from the plate in front of him. "How did you ever manage to become the store manager," Kyungsoo whines, "you're barely what I would call professional."

 

"I am very competent in management, mind you."

 

More ridiculous, Kyungsoo decides with finality. "Just not in friendship,  huh?"

 

"Hey," Yifan says, pitching his voice lower and leaning closer. "Are you okay?"

 

He really should've expected this. Kyungsoo mentally kicks himself. Leave it to Yifan to notice when Kyungsoo's in a fix. It's a testament of how long they've been together, really, the way Yifan can notice a change in Kyungsoo's temperment just by the minute shifts in how Kyungsoo holds himself. "I'm fine, Yifan," Kyungsoo sighs.

 

"You don't look like it." Yifan says it as a matter of fact, not a suggestion, not a command to tell him more. Kyungsoo laughs without humor and shakes his head.

 

"It's not important."

 

"You sure?" Yifan asks, already knowing the answer.

 

Kyungsoo thinks back to his morning. He thinks about how close Jongin and him were in their bed, and how far they were in their hearts. Kyungsoo smiles sadly. "No," he admits, staring at the table. "No, I'm not okay at all."

 

"Is it Jongin?"

 

Yifan, always so perceptive.

 

Kyungsoo's heart aches. He misses Jongin. He misses Jongin with such an acute pain it's like a part of his soul has been slowly sawed out and pried away.

 

And Yifan doesn't need words to understand that.

 

"Maybe you two need a break from life for a little while," Yifan suggests. "Go on vacation or something, god knows you have enough time saved up. You should use it."

 

Startled, Kyungsoo's eyes slant at Yifan. It's as if he knows about the conversation they had over the weekend, about Jongin's grandparents' property up north. He studies Yifan's face, sees only an earnest wish for his well-being. No, Yifan doesn't know. The suggestion just comes at a convenient time. "But...we're so fragile right now. What if we just end up making things worse while on vacation? We'll be miles away from home in an unfamiliar environment, which is stressful enough. We won't have our jobs to give us space from each other. We'll only have each other to be focused on. That could be disasterous!"

 

Yifan is ever calm and logical. "That's the point -- to focus on each other. Your marriage needs that. If you just--"

 

"Who are you to tell me what our marriage needs? Last time I checked, you weren't married to me or Jongin, were you?" Kyungsoo snaps without thinking. It's only after the words are out that he realizes what he's said, and he slaps his hands over his mouth, eyes wide. "I-I'm so sorry," he squeaks. "I don't know where that came from..."

 

Yifan just eyes him steadily. Kyungsoo tenses under his sharp gaze. "You obviously still care about this relationship, Kyungsoo," Yifan finally says. "If you can't do anything to put it back together, then maybe it's best for both you and Jongin to move on."

 

 

 

 

 

Kyungsoo can't imagine a life without Jongin.

 

No, it's not like it's too painful to imagine. He literally cannot imagine a life without Jongin. Jongin is his other half, his soul mate. Kyungsoo knows this. Kyungsoo has always known this. They're just having a slump in their relationship right now, but it's nothing too serious, right?

 

Deep down, Kyungsoo knows it isn't that simple.

 

If there were any way to talk this through, Kyungsoo would have done it in a half a heartbeat.

 

If you can't do anything to put it back together, then maybe it's best for both you and Jongin to move on. That's what Yifan had said, but Kyungsoo can't fathom moving on without Jongin. It's a notion that is inconceivable to him.

 

....Unless it's only him feeling like this.

 

He's always assumed that Jongin and he have a two-way relationship. But he's never actually stopped and considered Jongin's feelings these past few months. Maybe Kyungsoo is the only one who's deluding himself into thinking that their relationship is something that will work out. Maybe Kyungsoo is the only one who wants their relationship to work out.

 

Maybe Jongin has emotionally moved on already, and Kyungsoo's the one left behind in deep waters, being pulled down, down, down.

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe there are divorce papers somewhere in their home already.

 

 

 

 

 

Kyungsoo refuses to entertain that thought, and pushes it out of his head along with nascent visions of unfaithful romances and office affairs. Instead, he focuses on the sky beginning to darken with heavy gray clouds, and the song currently trilling out of the car radio, except then he realizes the song in question is about breaking up and missing someone, and, no, he can't, he really can't right now. He turns off the radio, then curls his hands tightly around the steering wheel.

 

He comes home and the first thing he does is call out his husband's name. He doesn't get a response, and his heart sinks. Jongin should be home. It's a weekend. After a cursory search of the apartment, he calls Jongin's cell phone, but he hearrs the familiar jingle coming from the kitchen counter, because of course Jongin would leave his phone at home, even when he leaves without telling Kyungsoo where he's going, when he'll be back, who he's with.

 

Those nascent visions are coming back, chaotic and all jumbled up. Kyungsoo feels tears pricking the backs of his eyes, and when did he get so emotional? What is wrong with him?

 

He sinks down onto the couch and stares out through the balcony door, watching the clouds get darker and darker. At one point it begins to rain. He hopes Jongin at least has a sweatshirt if not an umberela.

 

It's a veritable storm that shakes the apartment by the time Jongin comes back. The man is soaked through and through, and Kyungsoo moves toward him but stops in the center of the room, almost ten feet away from his husband. Jongin glances up through dripping strands of hair.

 

"Hi?" he greets tentatively.

 

Kyungsoo's mind immediately flies to scenes where someone else is listening to that voice murmur sweet nothings. No. No, no, no.... That voice, the one that Jongin uses -- used -- to croon confessions into Kyungsoo's ear, is for him.  It's Kyungsoo's.

 

"Hey..." But Kyungsoo's voice gets uncharacteristically thick and watery.

 

He has no reason to cry. He's never cried about this before. It's not like he's been making any real effort to fix what he and Jongin have become. He doesn't have the right to cry. But here he is anyways, unable to move past one ing syllable because there are now tears spilling over his eyes and down his cheeks, breath becoming stuttered.

 

"Kyungsoo?" Jongin questions hesitantly. "Kyungsoo, hey, what...?"

 

It's so awkward. This is so, so awkward. Kyungsoo's face burns with embarassment, and Jongin hovers hesitantly. They're married but they've forgotten what that status means, apparently.

 

"I'm sorry," Kyungsoo says. He's not sure what he's apologizing for. He's sorry for missing his husband, so maybe for that. He feels sorry for missing Jongin. Maybe he shouldn't, but he does. He feels like he hasn't earned the right to miss Jongin.

 

"No, baby, it's okay," Jongin says, finally stepping closer to wrap arms around Kyungsoo. "It'll be okay...."

 

Jongin hasn't held Kyungsoo like this in what feels like ages. Even with skin and clothes chilled with rain water, Kyungsoo finds warmth in Jongin's embrace. Kyungsoo's face turns to Jongin's neck and he tries to focus past the tears. He doesn't see any red marks there, and part of him is overwhelmed with relief. It doesn't cast away all of his insecurities though, and Kyungsoo hates himself either way. If Jongin is still loyal to Kyungsoo, then Jongin deserves better than what Kyungsoo's given him. If Jongin has found love somewhere else, then Kyungsoo knows he's not good enough to his husband, and Jongin should get all the love he can find, if Kyungsoo can't give it to him.

 

"Please don't touch me," Kyungsoo says, pushing Jongin away. Jongin lets go and stares widely at Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo looks away. "I'm sorry," he mumbles again. "I'm glad you're home." He returns to the couch, curling up into the corner farthest from his frozen-in-place husband.

 

"Kyungsoo, what's wrong?" Jongin pleads.

 

Kyungsoo just shakes his head. If he speaks, he knows he will cry again, and he wants to stop being so pitiful.

 

Jongin approaches Kyungsoo, and the latter shrinks away. He pauses, sighs, and leaves the room.

 

Leaves Kyungsoo alone.

 

Kyungsoo falls asleep to the sound of Jongin's shower.

 

 

 

 

 

He wakes up when he feels someone moving him, and he knows it's Jongin.

 

He's delirious with sleep. He presses closer into the chest that he's cradled against. "Jongin," he breathes out.

 

"I'm here."

 

"Please don't leave me."

 

"I won't."

 

They speak so softly. There is something here that is fragile, and even one wrong word will be sharp enough to break it into pieces. They won't be able to fix it this time.

 

"Can I go up north with you?"

 

Jongin is quiet as he deposits Kyungsoo into his side of the bed. He crawls over his husband's body to settle into his, and then, daringly, holding his breath, he drapes an arm around Kyungsoo's side. When Kyungsoo doesn't protest, Jongin breathes his relief with one whispered syllable:

 

"Yeah."

---

 

ahahahahahah oh wow my heart hurts writing this what
is this relationship weird? like, i know that it isn't described adequately, but what i'm trying to convey is that what's happened between kyungsoo and jongin is similar to what would happen if you have a falling out with your best friend. like, you have so much history, so many memories, but now, when you see them in the hallway, you'd be lucky to get a glance. but you know that if that person is hurt, you'd go running to their side, right?

idk though