January

“Pretty boy shouldn’t cry.” That’s the first sentence you told me, who helplessly hiding and cry. I still remember it clearly in my mind though more than ten years already passed. Back then, you still the same, the warmest person I knew.

Then, in my black and gray world, I learn a warm and color named Choi Jonghun.

I remember how I clutched your t-shirt, make it crumpled in between my fingers while I crying my heart out. You the only one who cared enough to approach a 10 years old me, when the others are mocking and treat me like a trash. When they busy yelled at me such a hurtful words because I have no mother and being abused by my only dad, you wiped away my tears and kindly take care of my wound. You see how it attracted me to you?

We were ten, but you take care of me like a mom, like a friend, and an older brother. You become everything I wish I have. Always with your soft-hearted, you hold my hand and stand with me through all the mock, the accused look they gave me. You taught me how to be strong, to endure and defend myself.

I remember how furry you are when they started to bully me. It’s the first time I see you that angry. You scared them all, even me. You make them who soaked me with cold and dirty water, get on knees to apology.

On our way home, we walked in silence. Me, because I don’t know what to say nor what to do. It’s merely a month we knew each other, yet you defend me so sincerely. It’s not like I could give you something in exchange, I keep wonder what makes you that kind. I also feel a little fear that you’ll realize how foolish you are and started to ignore me, just like any smart person will do.

But then you stop and face me. With those shining eyes you tell me. “Lee Hongki, you are precious.  Don’t ever compare yourself with them. You are far better. If you don’t believe in yourself, then believe in me.”

I don’t know how such a ten years old kid could be so wise like you. Think about it, I merely know a thing about you. You never complaint, never looked so weak. It’s always me who run to your arms, crying with uncontrollable emotion in me. You always so steady beside me. The words you said back then, being a turn point in my life. With you, I brave myself to once again embrace the world.

 I wondered when our relationship changed. What happened to us now? What happened to those two ten years’ old kids?

February

I shouldn’t be too surprised to learn that my dad will marry another woman. It’s the fact that unspoken yet lingers in the air. Opposite, I should be quite thankful he intended to do it when I was 14, when we already being a best friend for 4 years.

Just by 4 years, you know me too well, even better than me myself. You know how break down I am before I know it myself. I remember how those 4 years you tried hard to show me what is happiness, how beautiful the world, I still remember what you said to cheer me up. “Hey, you know the orange color sky? Mom told me it’s the color when sun being the most warm. I think it likes your smile.” That’s when I decide orange as my favorite color, and when I look at your face which showered with the warm orange, I know you resemble warm, resemble orange.

I don’t know how my mother looks like. She died while bringing me to the world. I never know the warm of her touch, never know how it feels to being hugged by her. Even so, I still have this connection with her. When dad told me about his intention on getting married, a part of my heart breaks, crumpled down for my unknown mother. I try hard to hide my sorrow from the world, scared he’ll beat me again if he knows how displeased I am.

I told you the news on our way home, I thought I did it; I could make you not to worry about me. I put on my best smile, and bid my goodbye. I should’ve known I can’t deceive you. It just makes you very worried and decided to sneak up to my house at night. At such cold night, only clad in your pajamas, you came through my window, even your hands feel cold and your face paled, but you pulled me in your arms, and soon I feel warm.

“Silly. You don’t need to hide it from me,” you said with uncontrollable breathe. With that, I burst into crying mess and once again depend on you. That night, I realized, for 14 years of my life, you’re the only one who ever hug me. I know that I can’t feel how my mother’s touch, but it’s fine. With you, I’ll be fine.

 “You must promise me you won’t hide it again,” you said when we get to bed together. How I could remember each word you said? Simple, it’s because my world started with you and revolved around you.

“I promise,” I swear to you. Jonghun, do you remember that? Can I still do that now? Do the promise still valid now?  Because I want to tell you how hurt my heart now.

March

Later then I know the marriage was good for him. No more abuse and cursed, I treated like any other normal child. The new mother makes dad go softer, and he treats me better. Not that I suddenly becomes his apple’s eye, there’s awkwardness and tension between us. He never talked to me more than necessary, but for me it’s thousand better than abused.

My relationship with the new mom is kinda hard to explain. She is kind, and a cheerful mom, but she found it hard to approach me, just like the others because I far too long closed myself and shut from the world. It’s only you who could see behind my mask and touch me. I remember how scared I am when she lightly touched my arms. The sensation sent a painful feeling through the pit of my stomach.

My mind filled with the abused my dad gave me, and every wound I got because of him and others. I don’t know I was that scared until she touches me, my body’s trembling and my mind went blank. You, who saw it, hurriedly jerked myself off her and brought me to your embrace, calm me with your scent and warm.

Since then, she’s very careful not to touch me, it makes a big distance between us, but one thing I thank her is her acceptance about you. She allowed you to come whenever you please, not that you need the permission, but it means to me, especially on my sixteenth birthday.

Do you remember on my sixteenth birthday, you were there to celebrate it? My first birthday ever to celebrate. With a cake and candle, then you sang me a happy birthday. You said your voice wasn’t good, you just relied on your amazing guitar skill, but do you know Jonghun? I could stay awake just to hear your voice, the sweetest music to my ear. I could listen to you forever, and never getting bored. It’s the first time I feel so happy that I could burst. You brought me a puppy, cute little puppy to accompany me anywhere, puppy that resembled you so much. I told you her name is Alyssa, but in me, she called Hunnie.

Five days later, on your birthday, I don’t know what to do. I don’t have something you don’t have. Nobody taught me how to celebrate someone’s birthday. I asked you what you want and you just smiled kindly, saying those beautiful words. “Just you will be more than enough.”

It turned out I sing for you, and that is the first time I saw your tears, for hearing my voice. I stopped in the middle, wondering where did I do wrong. Next time I know you wrapped your arms around me. You show me how thankful you are, make me feel precious.

That’s also the night when we sleep together, hugging each other so that’s no room for doubting for me. Maybe it’s that night when I realized that I love you, maybe I already realized it before, but that night is when I accept it.

Jonghunnie, how about us today? Is there still ‘us’? I miss being with you, feel you. Can we being like that again, just like the past days, when we were inseparable? I miss you Jonghun, I really miss you.

June

Days and years passed. I’m 22 now. We grew together, becoming an adult. You still there whenever I need you, and unlike before, now I’m letting people entering my life slowly, just like you. Even though there’s another person, you still the most important, the existence in my life.

Things flow like water between us, being a couple didn’t feel strange at all, considered that you’re my life. Of course there’s a doubt in my heart, for didn’t know how to love, afraid for losing you, but you never left enough room for all the fears and doubt, never until now.

We become lover for the almost 3 years, the most beautiful time in my memory, but now everything’s ruin.

I don’t know what I did wrong, why you suddenly moved away and put some space between us? Why you never touch me again? Why you barely talk to me again? I didn’t see when it’s coming but slowly you ignored me till the distance between us grow wide and the interaction between us become zero.

It really broke me, it turned my world upside down. And my life back to meaningless and colorless.

Every day I come into your house, wanting to look at you, seeing you even just a glimpse, but you’re unwilling to see me. Always, your mom will be worriedly come to me, asked me to stop waiting because you won’t meet me, but I need to, I don’t know what to do if I stop waiting.

Till one day, I found out that your door didn’t lock, and I come inside, just to find you hugging another girl. You hugged her warmly, like how I miss it. Do you know how badly I want to feel it? Do you know how hard I cried that night? Do you know how right at the moment, I felt cold through all my body? I felt sick and everything went black.

Why you did this? I wanna asked you that, but the little part in me I know I’m just worthless.

August

Maybe there’s really something wrong with me. No matter how hard you tried to push me away, I still come back to you, still stubbornly held on our broken bond. I guess I just can’t let you go, can’t let myself stop loving you. It just means I’m died.

Up till now, I’m still glad I become that stubborn, it leads me to one rainy afternoon, when your mom finally come to me, crying and hugged me who soaked from head to toe. She told me about everything, about your illness.

Now I know how you could be that strong, how you could be so wise at such a young age, and how could you be that caring to me. It’s all because the sickness isn’t it? You know it since young, when you still a little kid.

Heart problem.

She told me that you can’t be healed, that there’s not much time left. At that time, I don’t want to believe, I don’t want to hear it. But she pleaded me, asked me to fulfill your last wish. That’s when I feel the true parting will be happen.

I wondered how it feels, being prepared for your dead since young. To know that you can’t pass the early twenty’s. Now that I know, everything seems clear. How paled and uncontrollable your breath after being a little tired, how worried your mom when you sneak to my house in the night, and how you always disappeared mysteriously once in a week.

I wondered how you could hide all your pain from me and take care of me instead. The thought make me run to you, and I found you there, hand clutched on your chest when your heart placed, held it tightly while crying broken heartedly. I don’t know where I got the strength but I come toward you and bring you into my arms. Finally I feel complete.

I never see you so lost before. You must be so scared for long time. I feel like crying and I don’t want to see the reality. So that’s why you ignore me, you don’t want me to find out about the sickness and you want me to move on so that I wouldn’t be sad.

Silly Jonghunnie, who do you think you are deceiving? Who won’t be sad? I’ll hurt more if I don’t know. You know that much too, you just didn’t have the heart to tell me that. You are afraid too, aren’t you? I held on your hand.

“We will get through this together. If you don’t believe in yourself, then believe in me,” I said, just like he once said to me.

November

He is a healer, my personal healer. He heals me, he shows the world to me. But he is a wounded healer. He heals me with a bleeding wound inside his heart, with a fear and doubtful. Even so, he never once tells me that. Jonghun, you know what? You mustn’t care that much. You shouldn’t put me on top of yourself that badly.

Even in your last time, you still thinking about me. “Don’t cry, my love,” you said, held my hand with the last power you had. “Be happy. Smile like the orange in the sky. Meet thousands new people and shine, like those stars you like. Fear not, I’ll always be with you.” Among those promises you promised me that the only one you can’t keep.

I held you in my arms till your last breath, not once move from your side like you wish. Also, I didn’t cry. Jonghunnie, I really don’t cry, like you hope me to. Just like you, I’m already prepared, I’m not cry, even my world’s collapsed, I fix it, like how you taught me. I’m not thinking about wasting my life, because I live it for you. You might be not here with me, but you’re here in my heart, wherever I go.

And when there’re times I don’t believe myself, I believe in you, then I know I’ll be alright, I can pass everything.

***

Hongki stopped writing and closed his journal, looking to the white tombstone in front of him. “It’s been a year,” he said smiling, put the flowers, forget-me-not, right on the grave. “Like you see, I live my life fullest, being happy and cheerful. I have another awesome friend too.”

The brunette placed his journal in the middle of flowers he just put. For most likely an hour, he stayed there, let the wind plays with his hair, looking through the white tombstone with his sparkling eyes.

“Hyung!” called his friend, Minhwan.

Hongki turned and nodded, signaling he’ll be come right in the minute. “So, I’ll see you next time, Jonghunnie.”

Like you wish, now I’m happy, I learn to open myself and let people enters. I meet lot of new friends. I also miss you, miss you very much. Sometimes I cried but its okay, I just miss you so much and I’ll rise again.

The strong wind hit once again, ruffled Hongki’s journal to the end page. In the end page, scribed in neat written, Hongki saw a familiar hand’s writing of Jonghun.

I love you, my little baby.

Hongki closed his eyes when a tear escaped. “I love you too,” he whispered, gone with the wind.

Written by : Honey June

I hope many of you could enjoy it. Thank you so much for spending time on read this. whether you comment or being a silent reader, I still appreciate it very much. After this, I will get back on track. 

royalPRI my dear, thank you for your kindness, it really gave me a support I need. ^^

HongMir baby, once again happy birthday.