He can hear Jonghyun raging at Jinki inside his bedroom. Minho stands listlessly, somewhat shocked, in the corner of their living room. Apart from Woohyun and Seop, everyone else looks like they are waiting to make good their escape from the now ruined party. Taemin stands by the entrance, shuffling his feet and trying very hard not to look anyone in the eye.

As usual, it is left to him to take charge.

“Go and dry off,” he tells Taemin “In my…in Minho’s room”. Things have changed since he was here last, and if Taemin is even aware of the change, he says nothing as he complies with Kibum’s directions.

When Taemin leaves the room, everybody starts talking at once. He cannot make out what any of them are saying, but it is easy enough to guess. Belatedly, he realises that he’s still holding the red package in his hands.

“Thanks for the party and everything,” Kibum says “but I think it’s about time to call it a night.”

Nobody argues with him; after all, they are in bands of their own, and they all know that ‘family meetings’ are sacred, no matter how close an outsider might be to a member. One by one, they collect their discarded jackets and shoes, arrange transportation between themselves and wish him many happy returns once more. Minho stands at the doorway too, bowing slightly to their guests as they leave, manners still impeccable despite his tipsy state.

Woohyun claps him on the shoulder as he leaves, and he’s grateful for the things that one gesture communicates; I’m here for you, like I’ve always been. It’s all the more touching coming from him, since he was there for the fallout the last time Taemin had decided to do something unexpected. Kibum gives him a tight smile, tamping down the unpleasant memories, and tries to give him the unfinished bottle of wine he so loved.

His best friend declines the gift. “I think you’ll be needing it more than I do.”

At last, it is only him, Minho and Seop left. Now that the noise has died down, he can hear that Jonghyun demanding to be let out of his room and Commes Des and Garcons barking their heads off. Kibum feels drained already.

“Do you want me to stay?” Seop asks. He’s heard of Taemin, seen the MVs and variety shows and heard the rumours that had been circulating around the idol community about his disappearance, but he doesn’t really know Taemin.

“It’s fine,” Kibum says, kissing him on the cheek and lightly pushing him out into the corridor. “I’ll text you.”

And then it’s just them.

The five of them.

Minho eyes their shared bedroom warily. “Why did you ask him to come in?”

He doesn’t know. “What was I supposed to do?”

Minho shrugs and crosses his arms over his chest. “Throw that stupid red thing in his face and tell him to off. Does he really think he can waltz back into the band after everything he’s done?” His eyes narrow. “Aren’t you angry?”

“What sort of stupid question is that? What do you want me to do, start beating him up like Jjong did?”

“Get him the hell out of my room, at least. I want to sleep.”

~

The last thing Kibum expects to see when he goes into his room is Taemin sitting on the edge of his pink-blanketed bed, crying helplessly. He has taken the liberty of discarding his wet clothes on the floor and helping himself to some of Kibum’s clothes from the laundry basket, and the complete impropriety of the situation seems to have flown over his head.

At first, Kibum is furious. What right does Taemin have, as Minho said, to waltz back into their dorm and behave like he belongs here? What right does he have to sit and cry on the floor as if this is his room, after everything he has done? Does he expect sympathy?  

Kibum marches over with the intention of pulling him up and throwing him out, but as soon as his hand lands on Taemin’s arm, the latter starts sobbing loudly.

“Umma,” he wails. “Umma, umma…”  

Dread smothers Kibum’s previous anger. Taemin never cried. Sadness made him withdraw, frustration made him petulant and happiness always made him laugh, but he never cried. It was a joke amongst the members that the reason Taemin wouldn’t cry was because his tears were diamonds.

They were wrong. His tears are just as human as theirs, leaving wet streaks down his cheeks and causing his nose to run. He doesn’t look pretty.

Something is seriously wrong.

“What have you done?”

Taemin’s choked sobs are his only answer.

And then, as angry and confused as he is, Kibum cannot be distant any longer. He sits down beside the weeping boy and pulls him close, encouraging him to lay his head on his shoulder. “Okay,” he soothes, like he has for Jjong on many occasions before. “Hush. You’re okay.”

Commes Des and Garcons have stopped barking. They look confused and Commes Des paws at the corner of the little enclosure he keeps them in.

The door opens; both Minho and Jinki stand on the threshold, probably drawn here by the sound of Taemin’s wailing. Minho’s jaw tightens and he looks like he is about to come in to wrench them apart, but when Kibum shakes his head minutely, Jinki pulls him back and closes the door.

 Kibum turns his full attention to the crying boy in his arms. “It’s okay,” he says again and again. “Whatever happened, whatever you did, it’s okay.”

He’s sure, despite Taemin’s repeated calls for his umma, that the Lee matriarch is alright; he calls her every now and again, when they aren’t busy, because he remembers the kindness with which the woman treated him when he was a homesick trainee.

When Taemin’s wailing gives way to silently dripping tears, Kibum pulls the unresisting boy back until Taemin is lying against him, lengthwise on bed. “It’s okay,” he says, for the umpteenth time. “Whatever you’ve done, whatever’s between us, we’ll deal with that in the morning. Tonight, you’re safe. I won’t let anything happen to you.” Those seem to be the magic words, because Taemin makes a first, visible effort to stop crying. He takes a few shuddering breaths and curls into Kibum like the latter is a blanket.

~

Being the only child in a reasonably well-to-do family means that he has had a whole room to himself for as long as he can remember. Now that he is forced to share such an intimate space with five boys, Kibum learns that patience and tolerance aren’t really virtues of his.

He hates it when Jjong talks in his sleep. The older boy is his closest friend and he is ridiculously attractive at times, but when Kibum knows that they will never work out as a couple because he’ll strangle Jjong after a week or so of being woken up by ‘Noona Neomu Yeppeo’ being mumbled out-of-tune next to him.

And Taemin. Gold help him, he loves that little foetus as if he were his own, but his endless grinding and kicking around in his sleep constantly interrupts what little sleep Kibum’s own insomnia allows him.

Which is why he notices when Taemin suddenly becomes silent as they prepare for their A.Mi.Go comeback. There is no more talking, no more unwitting removal of clothes. At first, he thinks the punishing pace of their schedule has tired Taemin out to the point where he’s completely knocked out when he goes to bed, but he soon realises that this isn’t the case. Taemin starts tripping and making mistakes. He forgets his lines. He zones out when the others are talking. Kibum then notices that the maknae hasn’t been sleeping at night; his nonsense mumbling has been replaced with quiet tossing and turning.

Kibum first tries to remedy this without letting slip that he knows about Taemin’s problems; he tries to induce sleep by feeding him warm milk and herbal teas before bed, but this doesn’t work.

His performance suffers visibly. It becomes a vicious loop; the criticisms seem to keep him awake, and being awake makes him less functional the next day.

One day, as they’re being shuttled back to the dorm from some performance or another, he finds himself squashed in the backseat with Taemin and three other boys. They are giving a lift to some hoobaes whose driver had an emergency, and their usual seating arrangements have been disrupted. Taemin is in the corner and Kibum finds himself pressed against the maknae in an effort to avoid the horrific stench of sweat emanating from the slightly-overweight boy sitting next to him.

That is when he notices something interesting. Taemin’s breathing matches his, and he is blinking like he does when he’s about to fall asleep. Experimentally, Kibum breathes slower and deeper, and he’s ecstatic to find Taemin unconsciously mimicking him. He closes his eyes and Kibum fist pumps internally when he rests his head on his shoulder. He’s quite happy to sit in the back for all time if it means that he can sneak Taemin some sleep.

Unfortunately, that is when the van comes to a stop in front of their dorm. Taemin practically rolls out of the van, and doesn’t protest when Kibum picks him up bridal style and carries him inside. Jjong and Jinki laugh, accusing Kibum of wanting to show off his strength to their hoobaes, and Kibum wonders whether his bandmates are all blind to their maknae’s struggles.

As usual, when they’re all in bed, Taemin loses the ability to sleep. Kibum waits until everyone has succumbed; waits for Minho’s telltale snoring and Jjong’s singsong whispers to tell him its safe before he climbs out of his upper bunk and makes his way to Taemin’s bed.

The restless child only notices that he’s slipped into his bed when Kibum wraps his arms around him. Taemin stiffens, probably questioning his hyung’s intentions, and Kibum quickly reassures him. “It’s okay, Taeminnie,” he whispers. “Whatever the choreographers and manager-nim said, we’ll deal with that tomorrow.”

“If I don’t improve, they’ll replace me, won’t they?”

“I won’t let them. I won’t let anything happen to you.” It’s a horrific lie, because Kibum has no more say about the composition of SHINee than their postman, and if Taemin is made to leave, the band will learn to make do without him, but he says it anyways because that is what Taemin needs to hear.

Taemin relaxes then, curls his smaller body into Kibum’s, and falls asleep. Kibum stays awake for a while, congratulating himself on a job well done and wondering whether he will even attempt to keep his word if the thing Taemin fears comes to pass.

If the rest of the members are surprised to find them asleep together the next morning, no one says anything about it.

~

Outside, the rain pounds against the windows. It hasn’t rained this heavily in a long time. Taemin’s breathing evens out and Kibum watches as he drifts into sleep. It’s somewhat disconcerting, he finds, to realise how deeply Taemin has been ingrained into his body’s memory. Even after two years, he knows exactly how his body moulds against the younger’s; the angle of his arm that allows Taemin to comfortably lie on the pillow, the degree to which he can bend his knees and the feeling of Taemin’s shoulder blades against his chest.

Kibum closes his eyes, inhales the long-lost scent of the maknae and tells himself what he told Taemin just moments ago.

They’ll deal with this in the morning.