It has been…what? Two…no…three years? I covered my face with both my hands. Three long years since you left me. His face suddenly appeared in my mind, and just the thought of him made my heart skip a beat. I love you. Once more, I wanted to call out his name. Even if rivers of tears were starting to fall down my cheeks, they didn’t stop me from calling out the name that he and I will forever share.

                “I miss you, Kim…”

FOUR YEARS EARLIER…

Someone, anyone, please tell me that this is JUST a dream.

                “I think that this is what’s best, Kibum. Please try to understand that I’m doing this for you.”

I felt teardrops forming in my eyes but I knew that they weren’t enough to express the pain that I felt when I heard him say those words that I’ve long dreaded to hear from him. Memories after wonderful memories suddenly came flooding, making me hurt even more. Not once did I ever suspect that this would happen. Despite all the confusion running through my mind, and not to mention, the surfacing anger within me, I managed to just calmly look at him.

                “Why?”

He let out a sigh as he gently kicked on the pebbles scattered on the ground. With calm eyes, he looked at me and I couldn’t help but notice how both of them were swollen. Hands in his jacket pockets, he fell silent. I, on the other hand, was also silent – crying my heart out.

                “Jjong, answer me.”

Silence. In response, he came closer and reached out to wipe my tears but I pushed his hand away. As I was on the brink of utmost grief, it appeared like he was nowhere near that point – as if nothing was happening. Irritated by what I was seeing, I quickly clenched my hand into a fist and hit him hard. He fell a couple of steps back but he still didn’t seem troubled in any way. Swiftly, he drew a finger to his now-bleeding lips, and then looked back at me. More of a stare, rather, and I felt it course right through me. However, I was, at that time, in no position to be affected by that.

                “Talk to me, damn it! Now is not the time for you to be acting all cool and…”

I then felt his arms around me, and I couldn’t find the strength to push him away but instead, I, too, wrapped my arms around him. In one fast blink of an eye, he managed to pacify me. Unfortunately, my anger may have subsided but my heart still ached of the sorrow that he, too, caused. To tell you the truth, the one person who could let my heart feel calm and agitated at the same time is none other than Kim Jonghyun. Unbelievable, but true. As I gave in to my longing for him, I knew at the back of my mind that this is the last time that we could be like this. I desperately tried to push away that thought, but the more effort I put into doing it, the more tears I cried. I need to know why. I need a valid reason for me to let go of you. Love, the great martyr designer, successfully transformed me into one.

                “Jjong, you’ve already gone so far as to hurt me so why don’t you just…”

                “I…love you, Kibum…”

A tinge of happiness was suddenly present. Don’t…be delighted just yet. I was right, for the next string of words that he said shattered every inch of my heart.

                “…but I…I guess, you seem more of like a best friend to me.”

So much for that hope of happily ever after. I breathed out a depressed sigh as I hugged him tightly, for the last time. You asked for this, Kibum. You were the one who wanted to know why. I was in the midst of convincing myself to, literally, let go of him, but he gladly did the honors for me. Before he could say another word, I cut him to it.

                “Let’s…uhm…work hard…then?”

                “Uh, yeah, let’s. Look, Kibum, I’m so-”

               “DON’T…say that. It’ll just make me feel that you regret your decision. And don’t worry about me, I could manage. They didn’t call me Almighty for nothing, y’know.”

He nodded, I smiled. And after what seemed like a grateful smile, he walked away. As he did, I bit my lower lip to keep me from running towards him and pulling him back into my arms. As soon as he was out of sight, I dropped down to my knees and cried…alone.

LATER THAT YEAR…

                “SURPRISE!”

Literally surprised, I fell over when they suddenly jumped out of nowhere. Luckily, someone caught me. Had that someone not been there at my back, I would have bumped my head.

                “I knew that would happen. Good thing I thought ahead.”

That voice. I looked back at him, and his warm cheerful smile welcomed me, as always. No matter how harsh I could be to him at times, he still has my back – figuratively and, this time, literally.

                “You wouldn’t want to get hurt on your birthday, now, would you?”

                “Onew hyung…thanks.”

He pushed me up and I pulled him to his feet, in return. We came into close contact with each other, which felt rather awkward, and he instinctively moved a step away. But we just laughed it off. Honestly, Onew is that person who I feel comfortable with…next to him. I quickly scanned the room, and eventually, I found him. As soon as our eyes met, he smiled.

                “Okay! Since Kibum’s here, let’s start the party!”

                “Yeah! Woohoo!”

Jinki suddenly pulled me towards the middle and gestured to the others. Minho put a party hat on me, Taemin held the cake, while Jonghyun lighted the candle. I couldn’t help myself but stare at him as he did. Some part of me wanted to let go, but majority didn’t want to. One thing that I noticed was that he seemed relatively skinnier compared to how his physique was before. Probably due to the stress at work, I thought. As soon as he was done, he motioned to the others with both hands.

                “Ha, dul, set! Saengil chukahamnida, saengil chukahamnida~”

I know I’ve heard him sing almost a billion times, but I couldn’t seem to recall the last time he sang for me. The others joined in the singing, as well. Teary-eyed, I joined in by clapping my hands together. After the song came the birthday wishes, together with the gift-giving. To tell you the truth, I was deeply moved by each of their messages. To them, I give my wholehearted gratitude for being a part of my life. For a day, I was able to forget how I’ve been struggling to move on. In addition, I was able to laugh, smile, and cry, truthfully. In that moment, I was able to show them, once again, who Kim Kibum really was. That was a day truly worth reminiscing. Or so I thought.

The following day, we started off with our usual daily routine however, I felt something different, though I couldn’t point out what it was. As I was busy hustling and bustling around our dorm, it was then that I noticed that we were lacking one member. My heart quickly pounded to that realization – worried. No specific reason why, but my heart instinctively reacted that way.

                “Taemin, do you know where Jonghyun hyung is?”

                “Hmm? I…uh…ask Minho hyung. He…knows.  I’m sorry, Key hyung.”

Fidgety, Taemin scurried away from me. That, and the look on his face, made me worry even more. I looked around and saw Minho, but as I started to walk towards him, he said that he has to take care of something important and immediately fled out of the room. My eyes were immediately filled with tears, and how I wished someone would just tell me what was going on.

                “Kibum…”

Jinki, our ever-composed leader, approached me. As soon as we were face to face with each other, he held both my hands and looked at me. His eyes, b with tears, told me that something was wrong – terribly wrong. With every second that he remained silent, it just made my heart pound harder, faster. I’m trying as hard as I can to read Jinki’s mind but I just couldn’t.

                “Yah~ Hyung, if this is just one of your pranks, call it off. I might just go insane because of this.”

Both of his hands suddenly tightened their grip on me. Faintly, I heard him breathe out muffled sounds. The only word I could make up was his name. That was enough for me to think that he may be in trouble, but I chose not to believe my speculations.

                “How I wish that this was just a prank, Kibum. The others and I…we couldn’t accept it either.”

At that time, Jinki had his face towards the floor, and with one deep breath, he tilted his face towards me and started telling me everything that I needed to know.

I ran out of the dormitory and towards the hospital where Jonghyun was being confined. Dazed and dumbfounded, I let the tears flow. Word per word, what Jinki told me kept playing in my head. Now, I understand why both Taemin and Minho couldn’t look me in the eye and tell me where Jonghyun was. In fact, even Onew hyung had trouble saying it.

                “He has a severe heart problem, Kibum. The doctors just realized it months ago, and when they did, it was already fatal. He didn’t tell you about it since he didn’t want you to worry. I told him that you had the right to know but he was persistent that you, of all people, shouldn’t. He…really loved you, Kibum. Even if he was in a lot of pain, he still thought of you.”

                “But...yesterday…”

                “He said that he wanted to be with you on your special day. According to him, that was how he wanted to spend his last day.”

                “Wait…what did you say? His LAST day?”

                “I’m so sorry, Kibum. The doctors couldn’t find any other way to help him.”

Running through the busy streets never seemed as heart-wrenching as it did now. As soon as I got to the hospital, I asked where Jonghyun’s room was and I immediately went to where it was. I was already standing right in front of his door but I couldn’t find the strength and the courage to turn the knob and to walk right in. I took deep breaths and finally, I went in. It was then that I saw him, in his true state. My heart honestly couldn’t bear it – needles, dextrose, and a machine that was barely keeping him alive. I crept towards his bedside and I held his hand.

                “Jjong… You know how much I care for you, right? Then you should also know that I would understand. But how could you be so stupid as to not tell me? We could have faced this together; we could have made even more wonderful memories together. Damn it, I never even got the chance to tell you how much I love you. I love you, Jjong, so much. Never forget that.”

He seemed so fragile, so vulnerable. I wanted to protect him, but at this point, there was nothing I could do. I suddenly remembered how Onew hyung described Jjong being in a lot of pain, and I instantly knew what I had to do. Nervously, I asked for Jjong’s doctor and we had a very long talk. And indeed, we were able to save Jjong from hurting even more. I, on the other hand, was relieved. From this day on, I promise that no matter how far apart we may be, my heart will only belong to you, Kim Jonghyun.

***

It was a fine morning – the bright sun, the clear blue sky, accompanied by the cool breeze – a perfect day to go out and take a stroll. The seaside would be a perfect spot, and it sure was. You’d see wave after wave crashing amongst each other towards the shore. You would see flock of birds in the distant horizon, flying freely to their hearts’ content. But amidst all these captivating sights, I was there, trying to put back together the pieces of my shattered heart. Around my wrist was a bracelet – a bracelet that meant the world to me for it once belonged to someone who I’ll forever hold close to my heart. Someone who had left me not so long ago. It has been…what? Two…no…three years? I covered my face with both my hands. Three long years since you left me. His face suddenly appeared in my mind, and just the thought of him made my heart skip a beat. I love you. Once more, I wanted to call out his name. Even if rivers of tears were starting to fall down my cheeks, they didn’t stop me from calling out the name that he and I will forever share.

                “I miss you, Kim…Kibum.”