I clearly remembered everything.

First time we had meet, I stunned by her beauty. Blue and white dress along with her brunette flocks who passed her shoulder just a little. It is wavy and her brown eyes are lenient despite how anxiety was clearly drawn over her face. She would’ve burst onto tears seeing her father who is on agony, but she remained silent and just bent on her knee before hugged his father.

“I've come for my father. Please, let him out, can't you see? He's sick!” she pleaded. But I warned at her about how we made the deal at the first place and that’s how we work, making us argued which ended her pretension to exchange place. I was happy yet I kept it lock. Our first day wasn’t going in a good manner anyway, she refused to have dinner. It was an ignorant decision to make because I assumed it was a disdain when the fact she just upset. I tried to suave her, using genteel words yet she still refused. In the end, I yelled at her before stormed out from the hallway.

Later in my room, I found out I was quite dumb, wait. Scratch that quite. I was dumb. Woman is like the rose calyxes who can fell anytime that you should look upon it carefully. Then, I heard the noises on the kitchen. It was Jongdae voice who echoed and I know he was serving the dinner for the girl and I knew I was true when a loud giggle can be heard. It is thrummed like a music tremor and I wanted to go down, joining the dinner and have some joy. But I know, my arrival will just ruin everything up. Minutes passed and I strode toward the balcony to enjoy the full moon, and that’s when I heard the door shrieked open. It made me glanced back only to found her.

Her eyes showed nothing but curiosity and it took all of my strength to not suddenly move and warned her about privacy. She walks slowly and seems like she was truly shocked by everything she sees. She wandered around, looking, and knocked over a table, but she caught it before it crashes to the floor. The time when she rose up, a pair of brown orbs of hers met mine. I don’t know but my heart likes just stopped before it continued to pulse.

“I’m sorry” she said before bowed and spun or her heels. And just like few hours ago, I was stunned.

 

 

It is usually be Luhan’s job to take care of woman members. If they’re not smart enough to bootleg illegal things either not talented enough to be an executor, the only path they had is to be a e. It is cruel though, but that was the deal. You can’t pay the debt, you paid it with your proficiency.

Much from my expectation, she got a good grade on wrestling although it’s still in need to polish. Beating Minseok is definitely a surprising start. Although she’s a part of the group, I couldn’t meet her like as often as I did to Tao. Being the leader, I shouldn’t being biased over someone and personal thing definitely is forbidden when I sat on this chair. Therefore, I still placed my eyes on her.

It is not a long time before she became Tao assistant and hence I met her frequently. Despite the fact I argued with her the most, we grew closer. Not that short of high-school romance who lovey-dovey as they grew close, we still had that distance though. Mine is pride while hers is herself.

Uneasiness drawn over her face yet I didn’t ask, I knew it already. It just happened when I’m around. She looked entirely different when she with the other member, have to admit I often purposely passed Tao workroom to check on her. And to be honest, I don’t even know myself at that moment. I became more lively and happier, although I never showed it.

And this one is quite dumb.

She was on the library, reading a rather thick book. And I already knew she likes books, thanks for my connection. Ha. I was pretending to search some books, walking here and there and looked confuse and well, I didn’t forget to took glances over her until she irritated and shut her book closed, making a loud thud before her footsteps filling the hallway. I stopped searching for a book and peeked only to be piled by books. My fingers accidentally pulled those books and well, I fell with first and groaned. It couldn’t be embarrassing if no one found it out. Where I should put my face when everyone scuttlebutt about me, ‘the leader of Longwei is injured by pile of books.’ That’s really embarrassing and yet she ran back and removed the books.

Much for my surprise, she looked extremely anxious.

The second time I saw her like this, first is when she pretension to exchange place and now. Whenever I met her, she looked composed and collected. But now, it’s the otherwise.

“You okay?” she asked as she removed the book then helped me to stand up. Her hand was on my back, supporting me and although our skin not literally brushed, I felt the adrenaline rushed over me. I gave her a nod and tried to support myself by holding the bookshelf. “I’m okay.”

I can felt her eyes on me, scanning me from head to toe to find cuts or bruises perhaps, before she crossed her arms and smiled in vilify way. “I guess, you’re not the head of ‘Longwei’ for nothing.”

Then she just left me. Dumbfounded And somehow, that moment, I got a feeling that it is the start for something new.

 

“What’s wrong with ya?”

Is the first questioned that I got from no other, the panda guy, when I looked joyful. He eyed me suspiciously with eyes slanted into strips as if he wanted to look through me, typical Zitao. I rolled my eyes and stared back at him, “You want me to look smug all the time?.”

He cracked and shook his head, “Nope. It’s just a weird thing to see someone that is an intimidating person but surprisingly a lazy- person being a vigorous by just a night. So, what happened?.” He moved closer and our distances just separated centimeters away. “Hm?”

 

Using the rolled newspaper I swatted him and he squatted down almost immediately, hands on his head while his mouth grumbled some incoherent words, perhaps cursing me. And although he said I changed person just by a night, I’m still a mean, laughing over his woes.

But I guess he’s true. I even realized it. I’m no longer a distant giant, who build those walls around him anymore. I’m no longer Kris, just Yifan that still remains. And aside from my futility life I’ve desired to immerse myself on art world, especially drawing. Although it is impossible to withdraw from chairman place, i am someone new. And the reason for my change, it’s what they described as what they called the most powerful thing in the world.

 

 

It’s long story until I decided to make a confession. But not the confession is the matter, she agreed almost immediately and hugged me. I was flustered on her action but in the end I pulled her closer and buried myself on her neck crook. That time, I think everything perfect, but just like what Lemony Snicket has said on his book, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid. “Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.”

A mess

That’s happened when I think everything is going on the right place, I mean. We made for each other, she’s a lively girl meanwhile I’m sort of grumpy. I’m a tower meanwhile she had sort of petite body, tall and petite couple. Don’t you think that’s perfect?. She, is what I think my everything yet seems like the fate determined us.

We’ve been a mate for almost two years, not only a mate though, she’s like a friend and enemy at the same time. Hence, I think it’s right if I purpose her. I already prepared everything, we went to Paris for a week. It’s under the Eifel tower when I purpose her. Sort of unusual for me since I prefer on a restaurant, but that’s what she prefer, she once told me. I rent some street musician and made them play the wedding chorus, it took me half of the day to found a bunch of black tulip and gave it to her. Like what I said, she’s unusual and the reason why she loves black tulip instead of other flower just make me adore her more.

I kneeled down, gave her the flowers who she receive happily, the surprise not that sort anyway. I brought a sketch book, filled with out story. When we first meet until our 2nd anniversary that is that day. I know my drawing is really good since she laughed her heart out, until I can see those tears formed on her beautiful eyes. In the end, when it’s reached its last page, I took out a small red box and her cry went audible, I opened it and showed the ring. A simple platinum ring with no ornaments, there is only two ‘K’, tangled and carved beautifully.

“I’ll not ask much, but will you be my one and only?. Be the mother of our child?” I asked.

“I will, Yifan. I definitely will” she answered and I felt the nervousness on me gone, brushed away along with the zephyr. I slowly reached her right hand and placed the ring on her annularly. Then, she threw herself to me, making us fell to the green grass of summer.

Indeed it’s a beautiful day for us.

 

 

We walked slowly, hands tangled as she rested her head on my arm. The night is getting late but I didn’t feel the darkness, cause I have the moon right next to me. She often brought her right hand up to admire the ring before she gazed up and sent me that smile. I guess she didn’t believe on what finally happen. My mind went away, to the next years when I’ll sit on the couch with her, fire burning on the fireplace, spreading the warmness to the cold December and there be a tree with presents. And when there are presents there must be the children. My son along with my daughter will busy open the presents from their uncles and I feel something heavy on my shoulder. It’s her head, resting on mine as she placed her hands on her belly. Our present from the god on the white Christmas, a baby.

“Yifan” she called me in a sudden and I pulled out from my thought, tilted my head to her. “Yeah?”

“Why people gathering there? Is there any celebration or else?” she asked and pointed the crowd in front with her chin. I raised my brow as I saw the crowd, it dominated in black hence I got a feeling that there’s something unpleased about it and I should take her away. “I don’t know” I replied. “Let’s just take another road then since them blocking our way.”

She nodded and we about to turn when I felt cold thing is placed to my temple. Knowing what was it, I ducked and sent a jab to his abdomen, making him pushed back to the ground and threw the revolver to the air. I took it and glanced at her and she already prepared with her guns. That man prepared to run but I threatened him with the gun. “Who send you?.”

He didn't budge

“Who send you?” I asked him again. And he didn’t budge. It’s enough though, they’ve been agreed to not spill the bean out and I only need to send a bullet through his brainpan. I shot him and ran, didn’t forget to take her hands. But lady luck wasn’t in our side, bunch of man dressed in black appeared. She gave me another revolver and I settled it on my empty hand before we pressed our back together, moving in circle motion as our awareness increased. Without a sign, we started to send bullets to them. Most of them was surprised and didn’t have the time to dodge. So it was remaining us and two guys. Guess they’re the most talented since our bullets didn’t hit them.

Then, out of nowhere. Their reinforcement came up, meanwhile one of my revolvers is in need for bullets.

“Damnit!” I hissed as I pressed the triggers few times. And it’s really a bad timing to retract. “Babe, you go first. Let me handle this rogues. Call Chanyeol, he’s nearby” I hissed in which she spat on me, “No, we go together and back together. I guess you already knew about that”

“Just do what I said!”

“No Yifan. If you really need to die. Let’s die together” she declined as she shot a rogue. If she said that, I can do nothing to about it. Her stance is just the same as rock. I sighed but didn’t let my guard down, “Then how we gonna call Chanyeol?. He’s with Tao and the rest and they could be our ‘surprise’ factor to survive.”

“I’ll take their attention and since you’re the one who bring the pager right now, call them.”

“It’s just the same like I’ll sacrifice you, damnit!” I growled. “That’s different, Yifan” she said, sounded composed just like her tone as always. “Just do it. I’ll survive. Just like always, okay?.” It is true that she always survive on those attempted murders by people who don’t like me and my criminal enterprise. And knowing she’s someone important for me just made it frequent. I sighed and signaled her that I’m ready and she started send the bullets meanwhile I’m squatted down and pressed some numbers and send it to Chanyeol. I rose up and shot some people, right on their head since it’s the more effective. I don’t want to lose more bullets and stake my life here.

As their reinforce came up, we lost on numbers and equipments. I heard her revolver didn’t spew some bullets and so do mine. She was busy with her revolver and didn’t realize that someone sent bullets to her. I whereabouts to hugged her and used my body as the shield, yet I came late.

It pierced through her chest and she bewildered, right in front of me. Her eyes rounded in shock but it changed, more collected as she saw me walk near. I don’t know but those rogues stopped shooting me and I hear Chanyeol’s voice. But I’m not sure, in my view there’s only me and her. It’s just everything went in slow motion. There were no shooting voice, it’s only our breathe that hitched that can be hear. Her cry is muffled by the fabric of my shirt and I just hugged her closely, afraid that I’ll lose someone important by no time. As I hugged her, my mind were backtracking the event from those dark years, where my mother bewildered right in front of me, just like she did. Father just stopped shooting and ran toward her, hugging her closely. And just like what I do. And in his embrace, mother passed away. It’s like déjà vu. Those events and I’m terrified that she will pass away on my embrace. Just like what mother did.

I withdrew when she said something and she told me to come closer. Using her blooded hands, she reached for my jaw and caressed it gently as a smile planted on her face. I don’t know why she could smile at this kind of time, what I do is only stayed at her touch, like a statue. Though, after two years, I still can feel those electricity on me. She calls me; “Yifan.”

“Please don’t tell me you’ll go” was the only thing that passed my lips as she reached for her rings and took it off. “I want to be selfish and keep it until my time end, but I guess it’s not the right thing to do, Yifan.”

“What are you saying?. It’s yours and gonna be yours forever” I said and she replied it with a shook, a faint shook. “You can be selfish, it’s okay for me” I said as I placed the ring back. It’s shone under the moonlight, so do her face. It’s pale but for me it’s still as enthralling as always.

“I love you, Yifan.”

“I love you too” i kissed her crown rather long before finally she closed her eyes. I stared at her blankly, couldn’t do nothing. I felt something wet on my cheek and I raised my hand to touch it. It was a transparent liquid and soon my view is getting hazy and I could only bury my face to her neck crook. My shoulder moved uncontrollably as tears streamed down on my cheek.

I know she’ll never back.

 

author's notes.

` ✦ INSOMNIA