Chapter 1
We are destined to be with OTHERS.
I'm always afraid about doing what my heart intends to do. I know my heart that I'm an artist. A painter. A singer. A dancer. Maybe an actress. All of these are significant deep inside of me. I live believing that I am an artist but right now, my heart is not in charge on what I am going to be after I graduate.
Attending school has been very hard for me. Mostly because I'm living like somebody else. Pretending. This is not me: sitting in a class of Math, History and science. Its not like I cant pass these subjects its just that I want something me. I want something for me to be as Me!
I hope it is easy as one, two, three...or A, B, C. In my case that would not gonna happen. How can a girl like me protest in her parents who chose what path should I take, which is not favorable to me and they all got this threat: "Disobey us and you're out of the family."
I'm the only child of Mr. and Mrs. George Baker. I'm Alyssa Baker and this is my day.
"Alyssa! It's time to get up and have some delicious breakfast down here" my mom intone. She's nice and pretty cool mom and.. " After you shower and.. school is waiting. Late is out of your schedule" .. pretty strict as well.
School. Yeah.
I got up and took a 15 minutes shower. I wore a typical blue skinny jeans and a v-neck white shirt for my top. Wearing my converse I am ready for a whole day burden.
"Oh. Dear, here you are." my mom said "c'mon have a sit and eat. Your dad departed a little early. . . and that would be for good so I'll be the one who will drag you at school. Everyday from now on."
"Ok mom." I simply answered and shoved a bacon in my mouth.
Typical boring day for me. First, head to a history class, math class, physic class and etc. Second, sit there and float in the harmony of all academic stuff. Third, leave. Walk through the hallway and leav---
"Aww!! Hey. Watch ou--" I cut my words when my eyes set on the person who hit me. 1...2...3...4....5..6 . . . Im wrong. Completely wrong.
This is not a typical day.
" I'm so sorry. Sorry. Im in a hurry. Really. So. . Bye. Sorry!!" she managed to say to words without looking at me and while getting her papers. Then, she run.
I remain in my position, just standing. Stiff. Alone. Its less than a minute yet it feels like more than a lifetime. Her face. Her voice. It's all remarkable. I certainly saw her hazelnut eyes but she didn't saw mine, not even a glimpse. Her eyes were too busy on the papers scattered on the floor.
Who is she?
My memory of her made me prompted look for her . I already know that theres a least or no chance of finding her. Because I stood in the hallway for almost half an hour - base in my calculation.
I sit on the bench recalling the little incident earlier. Why am I feeling like this? I felt like not leaving here without seeing her again. Do I like her? It's Impossible! Im not a gay and I used to like a guy and not a girl... but--
What my heart wants again didn't make it. My mom called me and she said that she's been waiting for me for almost an hour or something.
"Here you are. Where have you been? " she said. See? She even know my professor. " I ask one of your professor--" I cut her
"Mom please...Just somewhere."
I took the lift with my mom who's talking but I don't know what is it. I'm drawn by that girl. It's been decided by my heart. I like her.
I flopped myself on my bed. Wandering when I started to like a girl? After so many times of browsing my memory and searching the history of it, I can't found any. This means one thing, It's my first time.
"How'd she do it?" I ask myself. " Why are you always picking the complicated things base on our situation heart?"
Stupid.
..
It was a very stress-full yesterday. I didn't got a good sleep. The moment my mom dropped me in the front space of our school my eyes starts to navigate where is that girl is. I can't still figure out why I am acting like this. I mean how did I come up liking her.
I walk pass through the entrance. No shadow of her. I made my way in the hallway, locker, restroom and in any corner of our school. Still no. I gave up on seeing her and just sit on my cozy chair in my math class. I actually didn't attend my first two class just to search for nothing. Nothing.
Folks here are having their own business. Busy on reviewing or studying in advanced our lesson for today and for the other next day. I wanted to be this class to be ended as this moment. In that way, I can start on finding her again. Just a glimpse of her. I can't just be absent in all my subjects because it's certain that my mom will be inform.
This day last without her. Typical day.
I brought out my guitar from its case and play. Music are always comforting. It always as it is.
. . . .
I woke up before my alarm rings and before my mom starts on yelling for dinner. I only took 10 minutes of shower. I was planning to go in our school as early as I can so I can guard in the entrance and of course hoping to see her. I ate my breakfast faster than usual.Okay. You need to understand that this is not REALLY my usual routine everyday, okay? okay. I'm just making some revision for her.
"Early bird huh?" my dad said.
"Yeah. um. I'm just thinking on taking a lift with you dad so mom doesn't need to drop me" I excused. " It's my way of helping for...saving money, you know.. gasoline have been increasing lately"
I got a scowl but they just nod their heads and Yeah!
Before my dad start his engine I told him that he or mom don't need to drive me back home because we will be having a practice or something which is not true. And I can take care of my old-enough-self.
As expected the student are few in this hour. Lazy . I stand near the entrance of our school as what I planned. Students are starting to multiply and I'm just standing here, waiting. Where is she? I'm sure she is one of the student here. Nobody will come here with lots of books or papers in her hands just for visiting. you know.
Thirty-minutes left and my first class will start.
Soon.
Sooner.
Five minutes left. I should go but I don't want. . . .
The bell finds its time to ring. I'm so disappointed. I'm so.. ugh!
I run across the walls of our school. Fast. Faster. Faster and faster. I don't usually do this, again just because of her! I sat down in the back row catching my breath. Taeyeon, my classmate now seat mate disgustingly look at me. Probably because of my sweaty self.
"Hi" I said "so much attention for me. Mrs. Anderson doesn't want that"
"Whatever" she said
Yeah. whatever.
After the class, I started on running again way down to the entrance/exit. This is tiring.
The sky is giving its signal to just go home without seeing her. I pulled my phone , 5:30 p.m. hoping to see her. 6:00 p.m.,still hoping. . . 7:00 p. m. I should go. I stepped backward. Walking backward. One, Two, Three, Four, five... And right then a laughter filled the air. A group of students laughing and. . . she is one of them.
Stop.
I stopped and it seems that the universe stopped as well.
There she is, laughing and walking 30 meters away from me.
Twenty-five.
Will she spare me some glance?
Twenty
She will! I can sense that she will !
Eighteen
Finally, I can say hi.
Ten.
I'm scared.
Five.
Four
I'm scared that she won't..
One.
She passed by - - -
She didn't notice me. She didn't even bother just to look at me. Am I invisible? I felt like crying.
I froze. I can hear a car stopped. She bid a goodbye to her friends. I turn around and there she is kissing someone-a guy. Her boyfriend? My heart is aching. Stupid. Stupid! Stupid!!!
I find my way home, walking. Slowly. Full of sorrow.
Comments