Final
mel·an·cho·li·a
You know when you have that itchy feeling crawling up your skin, but there’s nothing there? And then you search, believing that their would be something there, but again it’s just your mind playing tricks on you, making you believe that you have something, but honestly you have nothing on you.
That was what Lu Han felt every day walking throughout the masses of the people. People running into him, not on purpose, but because they had places to go, things to do, and no time to have the modesty of saying, ‘I’m sorry,’ or ‘please excuse me.’
Lu Han knew this. He knew that he shouldn’t be affected by this, but he couldn’t help it. It was too much for him, his hands clenched up into fists, his fingernails rubbing against his raw skin, his foot tapping impatiently. He felt trapped and even though he was breathing, he was suffocating.
The light turned red, the little white man signalizing that it was time to cross, but Lu Han just stood there. His legs unable to move, his mind telling him to, but his legs wouldn’t cooperate. It was just a blur of colors, shapes, and sizes whizzing by him when he heard the cars whooshing past him and he knew that he had not manage to move again. He had been standing there for fifteen minutes now and he knew he was going to be late if he did not get his act together, but that did not bother him at all. He would not have mind if someone carelessly, or purposely, pushed him into the curb, where his fate would then be decided by a car. He would not have mind that at all.
The light turned red.
⇄
Lu Han fixed his tie, adjusting it at the nook, and then he glanced at the clock. Five more minutes and the meeting would start. He was surprised that he actually made it on time, that his legs actually let him reach the main doors of the building, that his mouth moved to say ‘hello’ to the receptionist, that his finger had pushed the button to the elevator, and that he had walked throughout the hallways, leading him to the executive office. If only this morning was as easy as it was right now, but nothing would ever be easy for him, unless he, was by his side again, but he wasn’t. He was gone.
Walking to his desk, he placed down his briefcase, a thud resonated throughout his office, when he heard the door creak open. He already knew who it was, as the smell of smoke and ashes spread throughout.
“Hey,” it wasn’t a greeting, but more of a, ‘are you okay?’ Lu Han merely shook his head and he heard the door close, but he didn’t knew the person was still in there. Going around his desk, plopping himself down on his chair, he jumped back a little as there was someone standing in front of him.
“I thought you had left,” he asked as he dug throughout his cabinets, trying to find the right documents for this meeting. He heard the chair squeak, as he pulled it back and then placed himself on it.
“No. I didn’t,” he replied. “He made me promise that I would take care of you.”
“Jongin,” he stopped midway as Jongin glanced at him with dark eyes. “Fine Kai.” Kai’s lips turned into a smile and he nodded at him to proceed. “It’s been months... no wait at least a year. You don’t have to uphold his promise anymore you know.”
Kai just played with his fingers, he knew he didn’t have to, but he owned him that much at least. “I know, I just want to.”
Lu Han glanced up at the clock again. The little hand had stopped at ten, signalizing the meeting was about to begin. “Come on Mr. President. You have a meeting to give way too.”
Lu Han was standing at the same crossing he always stood at to get to work. Just like always people ran into him and yelled at each other. The city was not a place for Lu Han. He despised it. It was hard to hear anything over the noises, things that you’ve never smelt in your life made way to you olfactory system, and the worst was all the people. They were never ending. They came and went as quick as you saw them. None of them made the effort to say ‘hello’ and it made Lu Han feel down. He was used to having people come up to him, telling him nice words, trying to be friends with him, but here. It was different. Nobody stopped to make friends and it made him lonely. More lonelier than he already was.
He broke down that day. It was his first day at his new job and he already hated it. His colleagues didn’t seem to like him one bit. Rumors spreading around that he had graduated from Yonsei University and had gotten special privilege to be at the position he was at right now. Lu Han knew better though. He had graduated from Yonsei, but he didn’t get any brownie points for that. If anything, he would like to think that he got his position through the various internships he took over the summer, familiarizing himself with everything that took place in an office. It wasn’t luck or smartness, but through hard work. Apparently his colleagues didn’t take it that way and they ostracized him from then on.
He had nobody in that workplace. Everyone hated him.
After some months of working there, he got used to the looks and the gossip. He just let it pass over him and he got on with his work. Quickly adjusting himself in his job, the supervisors took notice and within seven months was offered a higher position, to become the secretary of the executive office. It didn’t seem like much, but it was. You had more leeway and he wouldn’t have to listen to the harsh comments or see the dirty glances directed at him. He immediately accepted the new position.
Just like every other day, Lu Han was making his way to the crossway, his hand wrapped around the handle of the umbrella, the tassel hitting him in the in the chest with every step he took. He liked this weather now. Back then, he wasn’t a fan of gloomy skies, thundering clouds, or the cold water that fell. He liked it when he could hear the kids play around, their laughter bringing a smile to his face, the warmth that the sun radiated, but now, he had gotten used to it. In a huge city like this, it was more bound to rain more than normally back home.
Today was his first day at his new position and he was a bit excited. Maybe he would meet some new colleagues who liked him, or he could even be invited out for a drink. He didn’t put his hopes up high, but he hoped he got welcomed more than his last welcome.
Walking through the glass doors, he stopped right at the main door, his breathing picking up. It was like when you went back to school all over. Pushing his phone power button, he read the note he had left himself yesterday night. It said ‘fighting!’ Pushing the doors in front of him he was scared, but he got over it the moment that someone threw confetti in his face. Numerous of welcome’s reached his ears, pats made his way onto his back, and donuts were offered to him. Lu Han simply smiled and waved at everyone of them, making his way to his desk, and sitting down quickly as the others dispersed.
“Hey, how about we go out for drinks to welcome the new guy. Drinks on me.” Someone yelled and everyone cheered. Lu Han merely shook his head yes. He wasn’t going to miss out on this.
“Would you like to go out for drinks tonight with us Mr. Lu?” His workmates asked as he packed up his last files, Kai standing at his desk, playing with his rubik’s cube.
“No thank you guys.” Lu Han answered as he scurried around his office, picking up the last of his things before he left.
“But today was your last day working with us,” one of them said. “Just for tonight,” another one said and everyone chorused “yeah Mr. Lu!”
Kai looked at Lu Han, his back facing them before he responded for him. “He’ll go guys! I’ll make sure of it.” He told them, as they cheered and left his office.
“Why?” His voice broke out as Kai’s laughter died out with the others.
“Just let loose for tonight Lu Han. I might not ever see you again.”
That night, Lu Han had got drunk. He hadn’t let loose like this from the first day of his work because he was never invited out, but this time it was different. He took sip after sip and before he could process what was going on, he had ended up with someone in his apartment.
Their breathing fast-paced, their hands tugging at each other, before they ended up on his bed and their legs got tangled up with each other. Hands tugged at his white collared shirt, cold air hitting his chest and then lips made their way down from his lips to his clothed member. Soon he was left with just his boxer and some clammy hands pumping him up and down. His voice giving out a moan with every touch and the other one moaned along with him. Impatient to release himself, Lu Han found himself flipping the other one underneath him and taking off his clothes before leaving him . Taking the into his small hands, he moved it to his mouth, long and heavy moans resonated out from beneath him. He knew he wasn’t going to last long, so he took his own member in his hands, going along with the pace of the one he was taking on. The other one shook beneath him and then he felt the saltiness in his throat. It was too late to take his mouth out so he swallowed it, taking his mouth out before going back to his needs and letting the other one get down from his high. He soon came after and he collapsed down next to him, his body bouncing a little until he settled down and hugged his pillow.
The next day was Saturday and he woke up to a pounding noise in his head. Chugging down two pain relievers, he looked around his apartment, trying to see if yesterday night had happened or it was just a dream. He deemed it was just a dream as he found no trace of something out of place before his eyes caught a sticky note stuck to his lamp.
The handwriting was neat, red ink writing was over it and Lu Han had to rub his eyes before he could read it, it said, “Thanks for last night! Call me 010-845-6692.”
Lu Han just threw the note in his trash can. He didn’t need to get involved in work affairs. They never brought good things along with them.
⇄
It was a Monday, which meant another day at work, which meant he would met face to face with the guy who he had slept with, but Lu Han hoped inwardly that the guy he had hooked up with, was a random stranger at the bar and that he just was there for other reasons and not his welcoming party. He just prayed it was like that.
“Mr. Oh is calling you into his office,” his workmate named Xiumin, told him as he was stapling papers and filing them away.
“Okay. I’ll go. Thanks.” Lu Han smiled at him. It was an honest smile and he was happy that he was settling down right, with no implications or disrupts in his life. Knocking on the oak door, before hearing a faint ‘come in,’ someone stepped out. He was tan, tall, and his side profile was breathtaking.
“Oh! Hello there,” the stranger smiled at him, before bowing down and Lu Han did the same. “I’m Jongin, but call me Kai okay.” He told him as he patted his back and left the office of the executive chief.
“Hello. You must be my new secretary right?” A voice spoke out as Lu Han closed the door.
“Yes I am. Lu Han at your service,” bowing down 90 degrees and then he noticed the man in front of him. His face looked younger than his, if not, Lu Han looked old against him and that was saying a lot. Brown, trim cut hair, laid softly against his head and his eyes were a warm chocolate color. Lu Han gasped as he with took the sight in front of him. The other one noticed his surprised and just coughed a small laugh as Lu Han took his eyes off him.
“I’m Oh Sehun. Sehun for short. It’s nice to meet you finally.” Sehun held his hand out and Lu Han stood there not really knowing what he was asking until Sehun made his way around his desk and grabbed Lu Han’s hand in his, shaking it, and then Lu Han remembered Friday night vividly.
“Nice to meet you.”
⇄
The next months of work were... delightfully if he thought it to himself. After that introductory meeting with his boss, he thought things would get awkwarder between the both of them, but it was the opposite. If anything, Sehun become much closer to him than the rest of his secretaries he had, had before, or that’s what Xiumin told him one day as they ate lunch in the breakroom, but Xiumin also said that the rest of his secretaries had all been women with the exception of Lu Han, but if he was wearing a long wig, Xiumin would have thought otherwise, earning a playful punch from the latter.
It all started one night when he was asked to stay overtime to finish filing, but actually it was Sehun’s way to take him out for some dinner and then they went back to Lu Han’s apartment, sheets tangled and their breaths out of pace.
Then it started at work. Little chats between them became steamy makeouts, usually ending when Sehun’s phone started to ring, telling him he was needed somewhere else. Sehun would pinch his when no one was looking, or slowly caressed him. Touches turn into kisses, and glances turned into a war to see who could make the other one faster. Nudges of feet underneath the oval desk during meetings and the impatience of Sehun was lower than Lu Han’s, who wouldn’t give in that easily to him, but in the end, ended up between Sehun’s arms, his legs around his torso, and his hands running through his hair.
It continued on like this for at least five months, until Sehun stopped by Lu Han’s desk one afternoon and told him to be ready at five and he would take him out to dinner early today. Lu Han thought nothing was wrong when he asked this, so he just complied with it and at five o'clock sharp, he was ready, his jacket on and his work all accounted for.
Xiumin was still working when Sehun stepped out of his office, telling him that he and Lu Han had to go to a meeting across the city and Lu Han’s mouth formed a pout, he had thought they were going out for dinner.
Pushing the button for the elevator, Sehun entwined his hand with Lu Han’s, placing a quick kiss on top of his head and when the elevator door closed, Sehun perched himself onto Lu Han’s lips, his hands freely roaming along the contour of his body. His knee brushed along his clothed member and Lu Han knew that tonight was going to be a long night. The elevator doors dinged as they arrived at underground parking lot, Sehun pulling away, his eyes full of lust and something else. Tugging Lu Han’s hand they made their way to his car when they ran into Kai and Sehun quickly pulled his hand away from him, placing it inside of his coat. Lu Han took notice of this and as Kai asked where they were going, he felt lonely. Was Sehun embarrassed of him? Was it that?
Along the way to the restaurant, Sehun placed his hand above Lu Han’s, who was glancing out the window, the first snow of the winter falling. Rubbing his fingers against his knuckles he asked, “what’s wrong?” Lu Han who was in his thoughts just replied with a ‘hm,’ before turning around and looking at Sehun’s eyes.
“Nothing is wrong.” Placing a quick kiss on his lips, Sehun just smiled and looked back at the road, his hand still on top of Lu Han’s, but Lu Han’s mind was far away from there. He still felt lonely.
“Chukahaeyo!” Screams were heard around the bar and confetti shooters shot out, glass cups clanged against each other. Lu Han put a smile on for them, but it was just an act. Just an act, to make it seem he was fine. To make sure nobody knew what he felt. Kai kept a close eye on him throughout the whole night, even when he was drunk out of control and was just grinding up against the females.
“I think that’s enough for tonight,” Kai told the girls, as they groaned when he pulled Lu Han away from their clutches. Kai put Lu Han’s arms around his shoulder and dragged him out, the cold air hitting them as they left the bar. Lu Han muttered some incoherent words as Kai gently pushed him in the back of his car, his body falling on the seats, sprayed out. Kai made his way around his car, putting his keys into his car, and turning the ignition on.
The car speed throughout Seoul, lights dancing off the car, people just a blur, and snow falling on the windshield. It was winter yet again, which meant it was time for couples to spend time together. Decorating the christmas trees, going out to temples, and sneaking kisses in the dark.
“Sehun,” Lu Han murmured out as he turned to his side, his back facing Kai’s chair.
If dreams could become reality, Lu Han wished that his dream would come true. One where Sehun was still with him. Where they were still happy.
Nothing could have prepare him for what Sehun had asked him at the restaurant. Not even when they were in Sehun’s apartment, their chests rising up and down, hazy eyes and tingling touches that sent them both to euphoria.
Not even when Sehun was ramming into him, earning a long groan from Lu Han as he touched a delicate spot. How Sehun stuck his tongue in Lu Han’s warm cavern, fighting for dominance, but losing to the older one as he bit down his tongue. The soft touches that Sehun lift on his skin burned and he didn’t even remember what he had asked him, until Sehun slowed down, his tempo turning into an adagissimo.
“So what do you say?” Sehun managed to ask as he kept a slow grip on Lu Han, who was withering below him. “If you say yes, you could experience this day,” Sehun whispering into his ear, tongue dipping in, “after day, after day.” He stopped and looked into Lu Han’s eyes, his hand cupping his cheek and Lu Han just reached up and pulled him down.
“Yes,” he murmured against his neck, groaning out as Sehun quickly picked his pace up and steady himself by grabbing onto his hips, Lu Han rolling them with each of Sehun, maximizing their pleasure, until Sehun screamed out and filled him up with his warmth. Lu Han coming quickly after that.
⇄
It only took three days for Lu Han to pack all his belongings, placing them into the truck of Xiumin’s car, who he had convince to help him move, of course not telling him that he was moving in with the executive chief. Xiumin didn’t question anything, but just asked to invite him for a meal when he finally settled in. Except Lu Han never planned to do that because then Xiumin would know about his relationship with Sehun.
Speaking of relationship. What was his relationship with Sehun? They ate together at least once a day, kissed each other quite often, leading them to every night, unless Sehun was out of town. If people knew that they were together, not in the sense of a relationship, but that they were together, they would claim that they were boyfriend and girlfriend, or at least a married couple as Sehun had told Lu Han to move in with him. Was Sehun planning to marry him? Was he going to be able to get the privilege of calling him his finance and then his husband? Was this the reason that he had asked him to move in with him? Because he was ready to take it to the next step?
Lu Han didn’t know the answers to these questions and as he stood outside of Sehun’s apartment, his worries increased and his breathing became irregular, like he was choking for air, his heart started to pace up and as he felt the air ran out from him, it came back just like that. It was brief, but it was scary.
Lu Han quickly opened Sehun’s apartment door, pushing his things in before he went down the elevator and reach the busy streets of Seoul, grabbing the bus to see his doctor. This had happened to him before, but now it was coming back with a stronger occurrence. He had thought he was over it, but apparently not.
⇄
“Anxiety disorder,” Lu Han just looked at his doctor wide eyed. His panic attacks had come back after all.
“Are you sure?” Lu Han timidly asked him, as the doctor went to check his eyes, telling him to follow his pen as he put a light against them.
“I’m afraid so,” he paused as he counted in his mind. “When was the last time this happened. When it really started?” He asked as he wrote down some notes on his notepad, his pen checking various boxes on the paper.
“High school,” Lu Han replied, his hand clamming up. He had his first anxiety attack when he was in his last year of high school, the pressure of tests and his parent’s expectations stressing him so much that he took it out on his own body, where it manifest until he passed out from it all. Soon afterwards he was sent to a psychologist, Dr. Kim was assigned to him and he had prescribed medicine to calm him down, but apparently he was going through stressful things again, or maybe he was building it all inside and he finally let it go.
“Dr. Kim,” the doctor turned around, his soft smile reminding him that they weren’t in a place where formalities where needed, at least not in this moment. “Suho... can I just take the pills again?” He didn’t want to be cut off from the world like last time, where he felt ostracized and worthless.
“I think you should, but do remember it would be better to pull through this without the needs of medication. You can’t be dependent on it your whole life.”
“I know.” He replied as Suho signed off the prescription sheet and gave it to him. “Come back within a month okay.”
Lu Han just nodded and left the building with the RX and went to the pharmacy to have them ready when he left the grocery store, buying food to make dinner for him and Sehun. His last boyfriend had left him when he had become too ‘clingy’ or that’s what he claimed that made a wall grow between them and he couldn’t blame him. His anxiety wasn’t something to be ignored. It was a bother and a hassle and he couldn’t do much about it.
⇄
“Where’d you go today?” Sehun asked as Lu Han walked in, his things were not in the doorway as he had left them and he merely looked at Sehun. “Oh, I put them away already. See how nice I am?”
Sehun stepped his way towards him, grabbing the bags of grocery from him and setting them down on the table. “How cute, you bought us food.” Grabbing his keys he pushed Lu Han out of the door. “Let’s go somewhere today though.”
Lu Han just nodded, his pills revolving around his pockets. “Okay.”
“So how is your new job?” Kai asked Lu Han as he sipped his caramel mocha, Lu Han looking out of the window, snow was still falling and it was getting colder, but it didn’t bother him much.
“Good,” he sipped his coffee. “They are nice to me. They even gave me this cute little plant and I put it in my cubicle.” Lu Han had quit his stressful work and gone somewhere where he would feel much at ease and that was at a library. It didn’t pay anything near his old job, especially that he had just got promoted to executive chief, but he didn’t want that job. It was stuffy there and he didn’t feel comfortable. He felt overwhelmed and that was the last thing he wanted.
“Well that’s good,” Kai responded. He looked at his watch, Lu Han noticing this, but he wasn’t going to tell him goodbye yet.
“Hey... would you like to come over today?” Lu Han muttered out. “Just to see my new apartment and maybe I can even show you around my workplace.” Kai stared at him. His face was blank before a smile started to crack.
“I thought you'd never ask.”
“We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,” the English song sung out from the radio as everyone started to pack their things up for their holidays. It was still the beginning of December, but their office took their vacations early than others, a perk from their boss, as he had left to Hawaii for the break.
“How about we have a party at the bar on Christmas Eve?” Someone yelled out and the rest of them hollered.
“You heard that Lu Han?” Sehun asked as they were cooped up in his office, the heater buzzing and the windows sweating. “You want to go right?” Lu Han spinned around his chair and just gave a docile smile to him. “I’ll take that as a yes.” Sehun’s laughed sounded out and Lu Han smiled along with it.
He enjoyed his chiming laugh and if he could, he would capture it in a glass bottle and never let it go. He was that greedy to keep Sehun’s laugh to himself, but honestly he was just greedy to keep him all to himself.
“You guys going?” Kai popped his head in through the door, his hair messy as snow was stuck on it. Lu Han just gave him some thumbs up and Sehun started dancing around his desk. Kai broke out to a laugh, his hand grabbing his stomach. “Sehun...please never dance like that. You look like an old man in need of a cane!”
“Shut up Kai,” Sehun pouted as he crawl up into a ball. Kai just tsking at him and making fun at him till Lu Han pushed him out of the door and shut it with the lock.
“Lu Han you're no fun!” Kai shouted over the door and he walked away.
Lu Han turned, Sehun was still hiding in shame underneath his desk. Bending down to his eye level Lu Han cupped his face and stared straight at him, Sehun’s face was a scowl and he was muttering incoherent words toward Kai. “He thinks he’s a much better dance because he took some jazz and ballerina classes when he was a kid, but I’m good too!”
“Well I think your the best at it.” Lu Han reassured him.
“Really?”
“Really.” Lu Han pulled him in for a quick kiss, their breaths growing heavy and Sehun’s eyes started to get hazy.
“Let’s get married!” He blurted out and Lu Han’s cheeks turned a bright red.
Lu Han was shocked, surprised that he didn’t even know what to say until his brain finally racked up an answer. “Don’t be stupid Sehun. What, are you going to just marry me because I told you that you are a better dancer than Kai?” Lu Han questioned, his head tilting and his hair hiding his eyes.
“No.” Sehun paused. “I’m going to marry you because I love you. Because I can't see a day without you in it and I rather be greedy and keep you locked up in a cage because I'm just like that. Though I don't think you'll mind that? Although I'll love to say that you make me weak in the knees, its not true, but to be quite upfront and completely truthful to you, you make my body forget it even has knees."
"You stole that from somewhere didn't you?" Lu Han laughed at his corny confession and he was about to start crying because of it.
"… maybe," Sehun shyly said, putting his head down and started to play with the strands of the carpet that were sticking out.
"Well then maybe I do want to marry you since you're so honest." Lu Han replied, grabbing Sehun's hands in his. "So when's the date?"
⇄
The date was set for February fourteen, the corny idea of Sehun, who said what better day to marry than on the day of love?
They didn't tell people in the beginning, but some of them caught on. Especially at the Christmas party, where Sehun drank overboard and fully made out with Lu Han in front of them. It didn't surprised some of them, but others were taken aback.
Apparently it was a sin to love someone of the same gender.
However when they went back to work the week after New Years they weren't working there anymore, courtesy of the boss, who unlike them, thought it was fine to love someone of the same gender.
And of course it was for him, since he was married to his own big idiot husband, Park Chanyeol.
Things quickly moved faster than they expected and no sooner than that was Lu Han standing at an altar, cladded in a white suit, with Sehun on his side sporting a black suit in contrast to him.
Friends from each side of them came, more for Lu Han than Sehun, but he was caught off guard when he saw his doctor, Suho in the crowd.
Exchanging some glances with each other, Lu Han excused himself from entertaining the guests and walked over to him. A smile taking up his whole face. They hugged and made brief talk when Sehun appeared, his arm making his way around Lu Han's petite waist.
"Who's this?" He asked politely, checking him from up to down.
"He's my pysch…," but Suho butted in before he introduce him.
"I'm his psychologist friend, I study with him in Yonsei and I was his senior. Nice to meet you." Sehun just shook his hand before leaving, telling him that he'll let him borrow his new husband to catch up with him, but he can't keep him. Placing a tender kiss on his cheek, Sehun left, whispering some dirty thoughts into his husband, making him blush beet red.
After composing himself, Lu Han asked "why?," but Suho again cut him off, telling him some things that made Lu Han question if it could be true.
That night, he thought he'll ask Sehun instead of letting his worries eat him up alive. They were in there second round of the night when Lu Han blurted it out.
"Would you leave me if I was sick?" Sehun stopped abruptly and looked at him in the eyes.
"Eh?" His chest heaving up and down.
"Would you leave me if I was sick?" He repeated himself.
"Sick? What type of sick?" Lu Han bit down on his tongue. "If I had like some mental sickness." He stated.
"Like Alzheimer's?" Sehun joked, but saw the look in Lu Han's eyes. "Lu Han look at me," Lu Han's head had rolled to the side, his bottom lip trembling, when Sehun's warm hand touched his chin to look at him.
"To death do us part." He simply said and Lu Han took a while to process this before he understood.
"To death do us part then."
“And this is my cubicle,” Lu Han pointed to his little workplace, Kai arranging his scarf around his neck.
“It’s small... but it suits you, you know.” Kai said as he went in it and started to play with the rubik’s cube that he had given to him, something that would calm him down when he was nervous he told him. He had bought it for him when his life had gone berserk. At first he was always mad at it, telling Kai why he had given him a useless toy as this, as the color would never match and that even though one side was fixed, the others would never be. Kai instead told him to look it otherwise, because even though one side was fixed, at least you were able to fix it again and again. The color would never change or run away. It could be solved again, just by giving it some time and patience and he would be able to figure it out.
It took Lu Han three days to solve it and three days to understand Kai’s message.
But it took a year and three days to let someone else into his life again.
The days turn into weeks and the weeks into months. However just like every other couple, things hit you out of nowhere. And just like almost every other couples, sometimes relationships dissolve over the time. The love that was once there consumed up by stress, fights, and guilt. Guilt that eats at your bones, breaking you down piece by piece. Stress that made you tired and angry. And fights that came along with every relationship, because what is a relationship without them. It’s just boredom.
“You can’t be serious right Lu Han?” Sehun shouted at him as they walked into their apartment, Sehun throwing his suitcase at the floor, breaking it.
“I’m sorry... I can’t help it.” Lu Han was crying, his tears being muffled by his hand and his hair disarranged.
“You embarrassed me in front of my parents! What are they going to think now? That I married an incapable person of doing himself! Was that want you wanted? Huh!? Answer me!” Sehun harshly shook Lu Han, almost breaking him, when Lu Han let out a gasp, his air leaving him.
“Lu Han! Lu Han!?” Sehun shouted at him as Lu Han closed his eyes, giving way to the darkness end of nothing.
⇄
“Is he going to be fine?” Sehun asked Suho, as he checked that the vitals were alright.
“Yes...,” he momentarily paused, his fingers touched Lu Han’s cheek. “Don’t leave him though.” He merely said as Sehun just looked up from his lap, his face reflected nothing but weariness and desperation.
“Don’t leave him. He loves you too much.” Suho patted his back before going away to check his other patients.
Sehun glanced at Lu Han’s phone screen. He had about seven missed text messages, five unanswered calls, and two voicemails. Meanwhile when he checked his own phone, he had none.
“I’ll change,” Sehun Lu Han’s hair, the strands falling through his fingers. “I’m just so stressed at work Lu Han... I let out my anger to you. I didn’t mean to, but I’m so sorry that I hurt you. So please... please wake up and don’t be mad at me. I don’t know what I was thinking,” tears started to stream down his face, his voice cracking and his body giving out to everything. “I’m so sorry.”
“I’ll change. I swear.”
⇄
And he did. Sehun did change.
Things went back to when they weren’t married. Dinners, glances at each other, and chaste kisses. Lu Han couldn’t have been any happier and Sehun tried hard to not get mad at him, because he knew that Lu Han had nothing to do with his job. He was just an .
Sehun would sometimes ask Kai to take care of Lu Han when his work couldn’t let him take Lu Han home or when he was out of town, which was now turning frequent, Baekhyun promising that if he did this right, that he could become president of the company. Lu Han cheered him on, by the sidelines. Cooking him dinner so he could take, making sure his clothes was ready for him tomorrow morning, and everything else he could be a help of, because unlike Sehun, his job didn’t ask much of him, other than filing and checking that clients and accounts were good in standing.
This went on for a while and soon their 1st anniversary approached.
But then, a few days before their anniversary, everything crashed. It was over before it even started.
“Kai, would you hand me that hammer please,” Lu Han asked as he was ontop of a chair, leaning towards the wall, trying to determine where he could hang up the pictures that they had bought the day before.
“Be careful,” Kai told him, handing him the hammer and letting his hands hang around his back so if he was too fall, he would catch him in time.
“I will,” Lu Han stuck his tongue out to him, his face scrunching up into a laugh before he hit the first nail into place. Their house was looking more cozy, something that Kai said was Lu Han’s doing, because he was the feminine one of their relationship. Lu Han just shrugging and accepting it, because it was true. He was.
“Why did you buy this picture?” Lu Han questioned as he looked at frame, a boy and his puppy squishing their noses together.
“Huh?” Kai looked at it before his mind lit up. “It’s you and me. I’m the boy and you're the puppy.”
“Seriously?” Lu Han asked him with a quizzical look, his sassy side coming out.
“Yup!” Laughter broke out between the two of them, their smiles contagious to each other.
“Well then. How about we replace it with us doing it?” Kai just blurted out.
“Fine, but I’m the boy.”
It was February.
It was also the last straw.
“Our anniversary is coming up Lu Han. What do you want to do?” They were sitting on the couch, watching reruns of ‘Save the Last Dance for Me.’ Lu Han had already teared up, Sehun wiping his tears away when Hyunwoo forgets about Eunsoo. Sehun also cried, but he swallowed it up before Lu Han could make fun of him.
“... how about we go to Lotte world.”
“Lotte world?” Sehun was confused. Wouldn’t he asked for something elaborate, like dinner underneath the skies or a blimp? Fireworks? Skating rink?
“Yeah. That way you can relax and have fun. Also we can wear matching headbands and we should buy the VIP ticket that way we won’t have to wait in line and...” Sehun’s lips were already attached to his own, prodding at them, making Lu Han queasy and his toes turned inward.
“That sounds perfect,” Sehun breathes out. “You’re perfect. You’re too good for me Lu Han, you know.” Standing up, he walks over to the kitchen, refilling their cups with soda and grabbing the leftover bag of chips.
“I’m not perfect though.”
⇄
“Freaking ! Again Lu Han?” Sehun screamed at him as he had dropped a glass cup. His hands were shaking and his breathing grew irregular. “Are you taking your pills? Or are you just doing this to have all my attention on you. You know that I’m so packed at work and this is the 7th cup. Soon we aren’t going to have any left.” Lu Han just stared at his feet.
“Are you even listening?” Sehun shouted out, cutting himself with the glass. “.” Blood started to come out and he just threw a rag in Lu Han’s way. “I’m leaving... this better be picked up when I come back from the drugstore.”
Lu Han cried that night. His tears never ending and his attacks came back with a stronger force. Sehun never came back that night.
Lu Han looked like he had been kicked. The expression on his face was... indescribably. “Lulu... it’s just a cup.” Lu Han just clenched his hands, his hair hiding his face from Kai. Kai started to panic. What if he had got cut? If he was in pain? If he was bleeding? Would he need to go to the hospital? Fretting over every thought he was going through he didn't notice that Lu Han was bending down to pick up the shards on the floor.
"Wait stop. You'll get cut," Kai's hand shot out, preventing Lu Han from continuing on.
"Aren't you mad?" He croaked out, his voice almost about to break at any point.
"Why would I be mad? It's just a cup… your more important than a cup. I can buy a million of cups. I can't buy another Lu Han though. That'll be awesome though because I'll have a million of Lu Han's liking me. And why are you crying harder now?!" But Lu Han just shut him up by squeezing him as tight as he could.
And Kai didn't say anything. He just patted his back, mumbling things into his hair and clasping his shaking hand.
Sehun never came that night. Nor the next day. Nor the next, next day. It was their anniversary date and he still had not come back home.
Lu Han fell into a depression. He asked to be given a vacation from his work, Baekhyun gladly accepting and giving him two weeks off to himself. Lu Han did everything he could during that time to forgot about Sehun, but it did not work. Everything he did, constantly reminded him of Sehun. He went deeper and deeper into the darkness of his heart before he finally snapped and turned to the only way out of his pain.
Alcohol.
He drank and passed out. Repeating the cycle the next night. It went on and on until it was a day before his last vacation day. He did not want to go back. He knew that Sehun was there and would have to face him, but he did not want to see his face. Nobody had gone to their apartment the whole time he was on his vacation and no one bothered to contact him. He was nonexist and he blamed it on Sehun.
The day before going back to work, Luhan headed out. His phone turned off and his wallet in his hands. If anything he would make sure that nobody knew that him and Sehun were having problems in their relationship, because that would ruin everything. Everyone claimed them as the perfect couple, but they were far away from that. They were anything, but perfect. They were monsters.
So the next day when he went back, he was scrutinized by watchful eyes everywhere.
“Whoa... what did you do to your hair?” Kai asked as he stopped by his desk, his hair messy and his breathing irregular.
“What did you do to your hair?” Lu Han just mumbled, his hand on his mouth, while his eyes were glued on the computer.
“I ran because I was going to be late... but I like your hair you know,” Kai ruffled Lu Han’s hair before he left, yelling out, “you look better with silver hair than blonde!”
A smile formed on Lu Han’s face, but disappeared all entirely when Sehun walked out of his office, stopping when he spotted Lu Han. He stood there, watching Lu Han, who was ignoring him by continuing to play Starcraft on his computer. Sehun just coughed, but that did not get Lu Han’s attention at all. If anything he became more absorbed in the game, quietly yelling out a “yes,” when he took down his enemy’s army.
“Lu Han!!” Sehun yelled out, his face fuming red and his eyes dark. The whole office had their eyes on them, watching how their future president bursted out.
“Office, now!” And with that Sehun went back into his office, slamming his door loudly. Lu Han just went back to playing, before standing up and walking out of the office. His co workers starting to whisper things, but he left before he could catch anything.
Sehun came home that night.
“So we go to Lotte world, go on the rides, eat, take a rest on the grass, go play again, and then came home really tired. Is that what you want?” Kai questioned as Lu Han told him want he wanted to do for their first anniversary.
“Yup. Oh and you forgot the matching couple headbands,” he reminded him, before taking his hand into his and getting in line for the VIP tickets.
“But you hate heights,” Kai told him as they went into the park, noises coming from everywhere and people running around.
“Yeah... but why not? Suho says to try out new things, to try and live my life with no hassles. To be as free as possible because you only have this life you know.” Lu Han was looking at the map, to get to their first rides when Kai planted a kiss on his cheek. Lu Han’s face went red, before Kai pulled back and glanced over his shoulder.
“Where should we go first?” Kai looked at the map, the colors confusing him.
“Here,” Lu Han pointed to the Giant Loop, “is our first ride.”
⇄
“I told you~” Kai sang out, his hand patting the other’s back.
“Shut up Kai...” Lu Han said before he went back to throwing up whatever was left in his stomach.
“But I told you,” Kai said again, earning a weak punch on his shoulder by Lu Han. “Well at least now we can go on the carousel. I will even sit with you on the horse so you don’t get scared.” He was answered with another hit, this time on his . “And I’ll be your dashing prince.” This time he was answered with a hug.
The doors were slammed and yells were heard that night from their apartment. Lu Han shut himself in the guest room, while Sehun kept on kicking the door. Even though Lu Han was the one who had gone to alcohol, Sehun made it became his life support. He depended it like Lu Han depended on his pills to keep him sane.
One alcoholic.
One depressed.
Both under the same roof.
One had to snap faster than the other. Sadly it was the alcoholic who did.
Breaking his promise to change.
If cheating was considered changing, then he got an A+ in relationship skills.
⇄
Tao was his name. Young and hardworking. Tall and handsome. Normal and not with mental problems. Everything Lu Han was not.
At first, Lu Han didn’t notice anything out of the odds. Sehun was now coming home, late, but coming home. Lu Han still made dinner leaving it out for him, but they didn’t sleep in the same bed. Sehun should apologize first. He did nothing wrong. He was sure that he would come one night, crying and telling him to forgive him, but it never happened.
Tao appeared out of the blue. New ‘assistant secretary’ he was called, but Lu Han knew better. He was getting fired, but he did not think anything out of this either. Sehun was paying their bills, food, and everything else he needed. He wasn’t an at that. Lu Han taught Tao everything he needed to know and in a few months he surpassed him. Lu Han didn’t mind because he had someone doing his job and all he had to do was supervise, but that was not enough. Lu Han did not stay overnight. Lu Han did not go with Sehun on his business trips. Lu Han did not give pleasure to Sehun anymore.
Tao did.
But Lu Han could not bring himself to hate him. He could only bring himself to hate himself. Tao had nothing to do with his mistakes in himself. Tao did not have anxiety attacks. Tao was normal. Lu Han was not.
And when he caught them doing it one night, Sehun telling him to stay overtime, he saw and Sehun saw him. He stood there, with papers needing to be signed by Sehun, who was just watching him staring at them. He didn’t even try to stop or say something. Nothing came out. He just continued on doing what he was doing, before Lu Han dropped the papers, and Tao turning around with a shocked face. Tears were streaming down his face, his body becoming weak and his mind crashing down.
Nothing could have been worse than this. Nothing could ever compare to this. Nothing could ever be the same again.
Lu Han didn’t go to work the next day. He didn’t show up for a whole week before Sehun came in their apartment one day.
Lu Han who was sitting on the couch, his eyes blank and his back turned to him, didn’t even bother to say anything. Beers were around him and empty boxes of food scattered around him. Sehun walked over to him before stopping himself. He didn’t have the heart to even look at him.
The once beautiful person he had met had now become a broken doll. And all because of him.
He tried to say something, anything, but his voice didn’t want to say anything. He was broke too... broke because he had broken Lu Han.
Lu Han was the first to speak out.
“Your letters are on the table,” his voice had no life to it. It was like he was dead. No, he was dead. He was just roaming around because he knew that dying would be pointless. He would still feel empty wherever he went.
Sehun just picked the letters up, looked around, before leaving. Going through each one of them at his new apartment, one of them caught his eyes. It was from Lu Han. It was dated six months ago, a few days from their anniversary. Sehun opened it and cried.
My lovely hot y husband,
It’s our first anniversary! Can you believe it? I can not! I think we’ve been married for like ten years instead of one! It feels like we’ve know each other from like more than that right? Even though we fight a lot... (but we make up) I still love you! Even though I am not ... I guess normal in a sense, you forgive me and that’s really sweet of you. My old boyfriend would have left me by now, but you haven’t. I am so happy that I meant you, even if it was through us being drunk and unconscious, but I don’t regret it. I love you to the ends of the world and back. You are a cheese ball too at points and it makes me squeal at your cuteness, because I am the cute one in the relationship not you, you know :)
You are more to me than I. I love you more than I can bear. So much at times I wish to die, so I can end this on a high.
-Lu Han
p.s. I stole that from somewhere too lol :P
p.s.s. A flower cannot blossom without sunshine (aka I am your sunshine and you are the flower boy keke)
“Lu Han!” Kai yelled out. He had good news and bad news, but he hoped that they would both turned into good news.
“Eh?” Lu Han poked his head out of the kitchen, his apron and hair full of flour. “What?”
Kai stood there before he started to laugh, slapping his knee in the process. “Are you trying to make Lu Han cake?” Lu Han just looked at him quizzically before getting his statement.
“No you pabo. If anything I am making carrot cake which came out delicious!”
“I’m sure Lu Han cake is more delicious,” Kai pointed out before a smirk came on his face.
“Who knows,” Lu Han poked his tongue out before running back into the kitchen.
⇄
“You know my cake probably is burned by now,” Lu Han flipped his body over to look at Kai’s face.
“Yeah... but hey I was right! Lu Han cake is much better,” a smile started to form before getting wiped off when Lu Han pushed him off the bed. “You did not just do that,” Kai groaned as he got up from the ground.
“Me?” And Lu Han pointed at himself, innocently as ever. “I did no such thing.” He said before getting up and running out of the room, Kai chasing him until he gave up and fell to the floor.
“Kai... are you okay?” Lu Han ran to Kai’s body, poking his body with his foot when Kai grabbed his ankle and pulled him down to the floor.
“Ouch,” Lu Han yelled out before Kai whispered ‘sorry’ and ‘please forgive me.’
“What was it you wanted to tell me?” Lu Han asked after he had gotten ice on his head and back, Kai massaging his shoulders.
“Ah, yes. Well the good news is I got a promotion.”
“Another promotion? What can you become promoted to if you are the president?”
“To become the president of everything, duh.” Kai poked his tongue out and Lu Han just rolled his eyes. “But seriously, I got promoted to another branch. To become the president of our US branch.”
“US? As in the United States of America?”
“No, as in the United States of , yes of course the Americas,” Kai’s sarcastic voice rang out, Lu Han just crying to himself as to why he chose him.
“So what’s the bad news?” Lu Han asked.
“We have to move to the As- I mean to the Americas,” Lu Han butted in with, “To America Kai, not Americas.”
“So we are moving?” Lu Han questioned, looking at his foot.
“Yeah, but only if you want to and we have,” but Lu Han interrupted, “Okay let’s go.”
“Eh? You want to go?”
“Yeah. I want to go.”
⇄
Packing his things, a letter came out of his stuff. It was addressed to Lu Han from three years ago. It had no addressor.
Dear Lu Han (because I don’t deserve to call you mine anymore),
I am sorry. I am deeply and truly sorry. You have no idea what I felt when I saw you dead... you had no life in you and that was my sole purpose. To make you feel the most alive possible. But I failed. I failed horribly. That night... I finally snapped and turned away from you. I just couldn’t anymore with the stress and I can’t believe I did that to you. When I started to see Tao... I did not feel the same as I did with you. There was nothing, but pleasure involved in there. I just substituted him for you, and that was so wrong for me to do. He wasn’t you. He was never you. And when you saw us... I thought it was for the better. Maybe you would run away and escape the cage I had put you in. Maybe I would forget you and not feel as horrible as I did.
But I was wrong. So wrong.
I killed myself by killing you. I bathed myself in red when I killed you. Every ounce of me wanted to go back to you, but I was scared. Scared of being rejected. Scared of being ignored. Scared because you were the only thing that I need and if you left, I would die.
I am so pathetic aren’t I? I cheated on you, but yet I still hope that we can get back together. I keep on dreaming and why? You could call it quits and I would fall from my pedestal. I am pathetic. I still want you even after I hurted you. I don’t even know why I did. I still have no idea why I did.
I don’t like you. I love you.
I don’t want to be with you forever, I have to be with you forever.
I wouldn’t cry if you left, I would die.
- Sehun
p.s. I wanted to be the flower that blossomed for you.
p.s.s. I also stole the last thing again.
Comments