'A boy who looked at things beyond comprehending, A boy who is drown by his own influxed feelings'

"You used to always hold me gently, now you only push me away.' Somewhere in the midst of midnight where a young boy could not blink himself to sleep, he took out a journal and wrote such words with his heart yearning for the exact truth.

280112007

LuHan tied his long hair using the black-colored hair band with his eyes travelled to the side to look at ChanYeol’s side-profile. He noticed that the latter was puffing his cheeks couple of times with his eyes wandering from left to right as if he was looking for something interesting to bore his eyes on but LuHan knew him to well; those acts of puffing his cheeks and eyes rolling non-stop were the way ChanYeol acts if he were to be nervous of something.

He might stutter next if he were to ask him a question, which is for sure, will happen. LuHan smiled at the tall boy in adoration because of his never ending cuteness. LuHan smiled too because the person who can see ChanYeol acting so nervous now is only him.

Both of them were wearing their middle school uniform with shawl wrapping around their necks because coldness tickled their extremities enough to make them shiver sometimes even though they were seated in a bus, filling the seats for two.

“ChanYeol. We will be okay, I promise you that,” LuHan chuckled before he placed his gloved hand onto ChanYeol’s broad shoulder and gave it a small pat.

“W-W-what if you get to enter that sp-spo-sport school you have been d-d-dying to go to?” ChanYeol’s breathing was not even as he turned his body to face LuHan and he looked like as if he was pinning LuHan at the corner.

“A-and w-what if you passed them exams like the good student you are? And just got accepted into the prestigious school that you selected for the second option? What if you are leaving me.. behind?” LuHan was drop dead serious when he noticed fear in the giant’s voice and he chuckled again, causing ChanYeol to frown and looked straight into his eyes.

“Park ChanYeol.” LuHan huffed and his eyes rolled to the other side.

“You are an idiot, aren’t you?” ChanYeol frowned deeper.

“I will never leave even if I got accepted into one of those schools because you, had been my life-line of existence, do you know that?” He grinned as he leaned and pecked the boy’s cheek.

“And the bane of my existence too,” He smirked then letting out a chuckle and it was ChanYeol’s cue to roll his eyes, his body shifted to face front with his back leaned to the cushion of the seat.

“I wonder why you are my best friend,”

“No, you are wondering why do you love me,” LuHan cooed with a big grin plastered on his face as he fetched his phone out from his pocket.

“True that sometimes,” ChanYeol groaned.

He wondered if he should take ChanYeol’s reply seriously or as a joke.

That time he opted for the latter because he should not let his hope fly high.

03032008

On the first day of high school, LuHan faintly remembered that he already planned in his very mind that he shall gush out from his class to head over ChanYeol’s class and to pick up the giant to join him for lunch like the usual. As soon as the recess bell rings, he sat up from his seat but to only be reprimanded by his teacher to seat down and to his doom he was delayed by the teacher’s long lecture about how they should be serious about their studies from the first day of high school (it was somewhere along the lines of ‘This is what determines you future! You understand?!’) and it went on until the whole class was approximately 13 minutes late for recess (LuHan could be that calculative) and he thanked God that he was distracted by JongIn’s few curse words flew out of his plump lips and he remembered he had a hard time to suppress his laughter because of JongIn.

The teacher almost threw his marker at their direction too, in fact.

When he walked out from his class after the teacher dismissed him, ChanYeol was nowhere to be found. Neither in his class nor the corridor, LuHan sighed loudly.

“Wanna have lunch together? We have another five minutes—sadly.” JongIn stood beside him and made a face that somehow made LuHan chuckled.

“Why not.” He replied with a grin and ended up sharing Butterscotch bread with Jongin in their class.

14042008

Luhan was fumbling with the hem of his white shirt with his eyes darted on ChanYeol’s direction. He did not know what went wrong but he felt bitter feeling started to crave in his heart. He should not felt this way—this is not, yes, he was certain, he should not felt that way because ChanYeol is his best friend and he should be happy for his best friend?

He should let his heart felt spring instead of winter but he can’t.

He never knew that ChanYeol swings that way, not like him.

He always thought ChanYeol was like him, ChanYeol always resembles him in a way.

LuHan’s expectation failed so him so bad. He had hopes that somehow, somehow ChanYeol was feeling the same way like how he did for the taller boy. He expected too much that the boy will reciprocate his feelings, turned out the chances were likely no.

ChanYeol tugged that girl’s hair behind her ears, smiling so fondly at the girl’s gestures as she continued to speak of whatever that sparked their conversation. LuHan felt sick, so sick for the first time in his life for a view that had ChanYeol in it.

He had been so friendly with that girl for these past few weeks and ChanYeol must have thought that he did not notice it.

“Lu Haaaaaaaan!” He heard a voice called out his name which sounded more like a whining from the side and he turned his head to land his orbs at the tanned skin boy who sat beside him with little interest at first.

“Hmm?” The latter’s index finger was pointing at a certain diagram on a page of a textbook which LuHan noticed it was at a cell structure. Biology.

“Lulu, what is this thing? Goddamit, I could not even understand a from this page.” A groan escaped from JongIn’s lips.

LuHan heaved out a sigh and he alleviate the matters pertaining ChanYeol from his mind to concentrate on the diagram that JongIn was pointing and put on a pure intention in his heart to help the boy out.

Ah, simple stuffs.

“Ah! It’s Metaphase. Look,” LuHan fetched his Pilot branded mechanical pencil and dragged his chair to scoot closer to JongIn’s desk, drawing the circle around the diagram. He inspected the diagram intently as he tried to form right words to give JongIn the right explanation.

He felt JongIn’s eyes were boring to his side-profile which made LuHan felt so weird. No one has really inspected so close like how ChanYeol always does. He chewed the inside of his cheek and not because he was thinking, he was nervous of JongIn’s stare.

“So you see; the chromo--”

“You are handsome, do you know that? I think you do.” JongIn’s words cut him through and as a result, LuHan’s attention was diverted and he turned to face JongIn with widened eyes and they were blinking in disbelieve for a moment.

No one does that too except for ChanYeol and LuHan could not help himself but to let adrenaline ran through his vein.

“I… I, thank you?” His words came out as whisper instead as he looked at JongIn with his eyebrows rose slightly.

JongIn let out a faint chuckle as he then tapped LuHan’s head lightly with his hand, ruffling the older boy’s hair came next and in reflex LuHan to swat the latter’s hand in order to defend his appearance.

“Stop it,” He hissed with little exaggeration trying to sound like he was mad but failed when he let out a faint chuckle.

“Sorry but not so sorry,” JongIn smiled at him brightly,

He felt his breath caught up.

This is killing LuHan in a way—ChanYeol  who was the only who caught his breath before.

23042008

“LuHan! Honey!” His mum called for him in Chinese alongside with her distinct Beijing accent as he was flipping through some old pictures of him and ChanYeol together. The pictures that both of them took whenever both of them went out for some outings or just simply both of them were on the mood to take pictures. Like during the result day of their middle school entry exams, in the bus on 28^th of the Novemeber, last year.

“Yes ‘Ma?” LuHan put aside the album as he walked to the kitchen and leaned his frame to the kitchen’s countertop with his orbs following his mother’s hands that were holding a container filled with dumplings. ChanYeol’s favorite.

He knew what his mother wanted him to do so his face was blossomed with a big grin. At least he could spend times with ChanYeol this time around after a long time being caught by a packed schedule (the school’s football training was horrendous but at least JongIn was there and the captain was nice)

He thought that he could use this chance around to catch up with ChanYeol. Admiring the giant’s handsome face all over again and felt his heart falling for the taller boy like it was his first time to have such feelings for ChanYeol.

“You know what to do right honey?” His mother giggled at him.

“Of course,” He replied in Chinese still with big grin splattered on his face as he grabbed the container into his grasp and made a small run to the front door. He halted his steps when his mother called out from his name again.

“Honey, do you think ChanYeol will like it if you stop by his house only wearing shorts and a worn out shirt? Go change sweetie.”

Right.

He arrived at ChanYeol’s front door by half past five in the evening with a better purple top alongside with jeans clad to his legs. Feeling slightly giddy (like a girl) as he waited ChanYeol to open the door and greet him. But his giddy feelings were immediately replaced when ChanYeol opened the front door with his hand holding his cellphone and the device was leaned to his left ear.

“Ah! Hold up Nana,” Nana. Must be that girl.

“Hey dude, come in.” He smiled brightly at LuHan before his long fingers laced with his, pulling him in.

“Okay, meet you up at the cafe tomorrow at five, alright? Hmm? Kay, bye.” ChanYeol quickly hung up the phone call as if he did not want LuHan to hear any of his conversation with this Nana girl. LuHan felt infuriated in the side but as usual, he showed no expression to ChanYeol as he stood at the hallway with his eyes squinted.

“Are you going somewhere tomorrow with someone?”

“Yeah with a classmate of mine, nothing big.” ChanYeol grinned at him and as per usual, LuHan melted in the inside and how he wanted to brush his lips on ChanYeol, smothering the boy’s face with his kisses but this time around he felt dead.

ChanYeol is not telling him stuffs anymore. Not like how he used too.

Usually the boy will pester (not really a pester to LuHan) him by telling him things not caring if it is day or night or even it was three in the morning, most of them are the trivial ones. Totally trivials.

“Oh you know? The patbingsu that JoonMyun’s mum made are the best! Better than the one that we always went for.”He received the text when he was taking a dump.

“I saw a cat ate a mouse for the first time.”One in the morning when LuHan really need his sleep.

“I want to plant Azaleas around my house some day.”

At first LuHan felt uncomfortable like “Why the would you tell me every single things that you do and see?” but it made him realize later that if ChanYeol did not tell him things, he would not knew ChanYeol that well. If he were to receive any Bachelor certificate or PhD, it will be on how well he knew ChanYeol. He would be proud of it, of course.

And it killed him so bad ChanYeol did not do that anymore.

“LuHan, are you okay?” ChanYeol’s fingers snapped in front of his face. His body jolted and his eyes blinked furiously, trying to regain himself for the stupor.

“I don’t know,” He sighed and rubbed his temples.

“H-Have fun tomorrow, with that date of yours.” LuHan turned his back quickly, waltzing back to the front door.

He did not even register the shock face that ChanYeol was wearing when he slipped his feet into his black sneakers before he ran out from the compound of ChanYeol’s house. He did not even bother to turn back when ChanYeol was shouting his name couple of times in somewhat LuHan noticed was in frantic manner.

“LuHan?” He almost fell to the ground when he heard a soft voice calling his name because of the way he abruptly stopped himself from running.

He blinked his eyes couple of times when he saw JongIn walked to his direction with the latter’s left earphone was tugged into his ear whereas the other one was hanging loosely around his neck.

“Why were you running?” JongIn frowned at him, obviously curious, “Chased by the dogs?”

“N-Not really,” He said between the not so heavy pants as he left palm was resting on his chest, feeling his heartbeat in allegro rhythm.

“Then from what?”

“From something that I am scared of.”

JongIn laughed at the words that LuHan used but he worried his canine teeth to his lower lip to cover his laughter from escaping more, shaking his head lightly next.

“That's deep, but just say that you are afraid of dogs. I understand you, man.” I am afraid of the ‘dogs’ that bark my fears of course.

“Whatever.” LuHan laughed with his eyes rolled to the other side.

His body jolted when he felt fingers lacing themselves around his—it was Jongin’s--- --- His breath were caught again, he hated this.

“Let me walk you home.” He wondered why it was like ChanYeol’s voice that said those words instead of Jongin’s.

He wondered why JongIn was being so nice to him the past few weeks.

As if being in hallucinating state, he let JongIn became the ChanYeol that he dear so much--- he chuckled at Jongin and nodded his head with a big grin. He did not know what threw him to be in this state. Maybe the desperation for ChanYeol?

The fact that he kept his feelings for the taller boy in a really long period of time and it seemed like it was tolling him so bad now?

“Yeah, you should walk me home always.” He did not know why he even muttered those words for Jongin to listen when those words are only for ChanYeol.

“Swooned by me aye?” JongIn laughed as he swayed his hand with LuHan’s as Luhan started the journey for them.

“Tsk, don't get your hopes high.” LuHan chuckled.

Silent filled their journey as LuHan kept on leading the way and he could noticed that JongIn was occasionally stealing glances of his face, they were not a bother to LuHan anymore as he was used to JongIn random time of compliments or just simply corny jokes that were worth of his punch or just rolling his eyes including the way JongIn looked at LuHan from head to toe.

“Is there someone you like LuHan?”

“There is,” LuHan did not even hesitate to answer the younger boy’s question.

“Who?” JongIn immediately threw another question and LuHan failed to notice the fidgeting boy behind him even though their fingers were still lacing.

“Not for you to know,” The Chinese boy laughed before shrugging his shoulders for no obvious reason.

“It’s not like you even know that boy.”

JongIn bit the inside of his cheek.

27052008

Both of him and ChanYeol were avoiding each other as if both of them were made out of plagues. It felt like time or whatever was mocking them because ever since he ran out from ChanYeol’s crib, he started to see ChanYeol around the school. Literally ChanYeol was everywhere except for in his class.

He purposely left his house early last two days because he was scared that ChanYeol would be in front of his house to walk him to school which by LuHan felt himself was not even close to ready to explain why he had ran off without even telling ChanYeol why.

When he came home, his asked his mother whether his crush came to stop by in the morning but he felt deflated when his mother said no and she saw ChanYeol was riding his bicycle without even looking at their house.

Things had gone worse when he dug his own grave by brushing his lips on JongIn’s cheek during a football practice and JongIn returned a peck on the lips. The lips.

He felt himself drowning into a pool of feels which left him to be ambiguous by his own self because this is not what he wanted. All he wanted was ChanYeol to love him back, reciprocate his feelings. He did not know how JongIn was caught in the picture as well.

Because the boy reminded him so much of ChanYeol when he had lost contact with the giant for quite a long period of time?

He snapped out of his reverie when he felt big hand clasped around his small one, his feet involuntarily started to move themselves and following whatever direction that he was pulled to. He felt he could hyperventilate any moment.

ChanYeol—holding his hand—dragging him to somewhere—he wanted to jump off from the school building and just--- die.

Flight of stairs came next as his mind made a marathon couple of times as he tried to really comprehend what was really going on and at the same time he was thinking what ChanYeol could have want from him.

The slam of the door metal was being shut drifted into his ears; strong breeze swept his bangs off from his forehead. He was staring directly at ChanYeol who rest his back on the rusty door, looking hurt and mad at the same time.

“We need to talk.”

LuHan’s stomach lurched.