The sky outside had gone dark without me noticing. Living in this apartment, knowing the time wasn’t necessary. One process just went on every now and then. It was some kind of hauntingly tiring round that had no opening and ending…

“Please stop, please!”

My heart skipped a beat after I heard the terrifying screaming sound. I put the knife I was holding down onto the counter and washed my hands, before I rushed to his room. I could still hear his begging voice asking to stop whatever the other person was trying to do to him in a very heartbreaking way.

“Please, don’t do this! Please!”
“Kiseop.”

I called his name as I reached the room that was located next to mine. I jumped onto his bed holding his body that was moving in a weird way, probably trying to escape from something. His body was full of sweat, his blanket and pillows were already on the floor and tears were all over his face, mixed with sweats.

“Kiseop, open your eyes, it is me, Hoon.”

I said when I pulled him into my embrace and hugged him tightly so that he would stop struggling. It took him few seconds to realize his face was buried in my chest, and he was actually safe. I put my head on top of his, and rubbed his back hoping that it would comfort him. Everything was going back to normal, but his sobbing was still clearly heard.

“It’s okay, you are safe now. You are with me, remember?”
“He came just now, I saw him!”

Hoarse and trembling, his voice slowly went through my ears and down to my heart, giving me a slight pain there. His weak pair of hands was trying to hug me tighter, telling me that he believed that his dream was real.

“What did he want?”
“He said he would never let me go, he said he would haunt me forever…”

I carefully leaned backward and lifted his head. He stared at me with his red and puffy eyes for a while. Kiseop looked very terrible. His face was pale and his hair was messy. Not to forget his skinny body. Hugging him like this was like hugging a lifeless doll.

“Kiseop ah, that won’t happen again. I’m with you now and I’ll be forever with you. I won’t let him do that to you ever again, I promise.”
“Do you love me, Hoon Min?”

My lips curved up to form a small smile as he asked. I didn’t wait too long to give him the answer.

“I do, I really do.”
“He told me the same.”

He said before looking down to his hand. I could see tears start to well up in his eyes, and the way he was biting his lips, I knew he was about to cry. I knew that I had made a mistake but it was the truth anyway.

I really loved him, and I didn’t care about his past.

“Does love mean… torture, Hoon Min? Does love really make us suffer?”

He said between his sobs. His hands started to clench on to the bed sheet. I immediately pulled him back into my embrace and let him cry on my shoulder. The atmosphere became tenser as I didn’t say anything to stop him from crying. I thought it would be better if I let him cry as much as he wanted. Again, for the umpteenth time, I didn’t know if I should regret.

I slowly pulled his small waist so that his body could rest on my lap. I didn’t know for how long I have lent him my shoulder to cry on, but it didn’t mean I enjoyed his cries. It didn’t mean I hadn’t tried to stop him from crying over the same thing.

I just didn’t know what else I should do.

This was not the first time he had cried in his sleep, shouting and screaming for help, begging that dead person to stop beating and hitting him. Since the day I saved him from their shared house few months ago, Kiseop had been like this every day.

The doctor said that Kiseop was still in trauma. He had been abused for too long but he kept it as secret since he didn’t want to lose Jaeseop. I had always wondered what it meant to keep that guy when all he did to Kiseop was hurting the poor boy. It was usually said that love was blind. But really, was it really love or just some kind of obsession?

“Kiseop ah, let’s take a bath? You’re full of sweat now…”

Kiseop weakly stood up clinging onto me for support. His shaking hand seized on my shirt. Even when he was with me, Kiseop seemed so lone and lost. The situation we were in was just like a razor that had two blades, one keeping us together and one torturing both of us.

Slowly and carefully, I stripped him off of his clothes, not daring to take a full look of his appearance and led him to the bath then the faucet, the same process I had been doing every day these past few months.

The first cool stream of water made Kiseop shudder lightly. But it soon went lukewarm, enough to calm the boy in bath down. He hugged his knees not so tight, leaving a space that was big enough to nuzzle his face in. Letting me do everything to him, Kiseop appeared as if he wasn’t living. He was just breathing.

The shampoo bubbles started to cover his sticky hair as I rubbed it on his head. The light smell of spring flowers from the shampoo made him relaxed a bit. His shoulders went less tense. He looked absolutely like a good kid, but no one knew how rebellious he was inside.

After washing away the shampoo, I began to clean his body, the worst part of all. Reaching out to take the body wash, I could feel my eyes stinging. I was going to see it, that haunting image. However, I couldn’t hide away from it. It was me that chose to face it every day, anyway. But it hadn’t been me, who would it have been? Who would I have allow to do all of this, instead of me?

There was his back. The ugly scars lied all over that back which used to be flawlessly white. In the past, Kiseop knew well that he had a nice body. He would take off his shirt every now and then when he felt hot. Everyone, no matter boys or girls, would go crazy at that scene. What mistake had he made to deserve this cruel present? It was his so-called love, I blamed on.

I had a profound hatred of them and… the person that created them. How could he take away a graceful Kiseop, do everything he wanted to him then leave a shattered Kiseop here? How could he do that whereas I could sacrifice my life just to keep the Kiseop I used to know stay the way he was born? Life was so unfair and I felt like I was being humiliated.

Ignoring the newfound ridiculousness, I went on my work. The body wash followed my hand running over his skin and paused at some protrusion of the scars. They had no longer hurt and recovered for a long time. But they hadn’t gone yet. They hadn’t given back Kiseop’s flawlessness.

The feeling of those scars on my fingertips made me shiver. Not because I was afraid of them… okay… I was afraid of them… I was afraid that they would take the Kiseop I knew away forever like the way they stayed on his back. Trying to hold back my fear, I continued caressing his back.  

But the feeling didn’t go away, it never left. It had been built up in my mind for too long. The strong it became, the weaker my heart went. Till the day it exploded, I would be exhausted. And before that, I thought my tears would have already depleted since my eyes were now welling up with water.

Although I let tears fall freely, I quickly silenced the sobbing sounds. Kiseop shouldn’t hear it. He needed a stable shelter, not a crying mess. Every day I told myself that. And every day, I sank back into my rut. Hugging his shoulders tightly, I dropped my head on the crook of his neck. Tears were mixed with water and body wash. The time my face and my shirt went wet and dirty was just as short as the time I could hide my weak and fearful heart.  

 “I’m sorry…” Kiseop whispered fiddling his fingers together.

I would rather Kiseop kept silent all the time in this endless circulation. His words just span my world even more. He knew I was crying for him, he knew how to apologize, he knew everything. But why, why didn’t he make a move? Why must he cling onto this process every day? What on earth would change this? Someone, please tell me… Kiseop, please tell me…

The voice inside my head was screaming so many things but nothing but sobs came out. I wanted to yell a wake-up call at him, wanted to plead him to love himself, wanted to speak out millions words to him… But not a whisper was heard, just cries and sniffles…

Misery, worry, regret, doubt, sourness, hatred, blame, fear, uselessness, shame, aspiration… so much to handle… and all I had was just my depressing love for him. I wondered if that was enough. No one knew the answer, except for Kiseop. And the one that had the ability to swing the situation was him, and him only.

~oOo~

The sky outside has put on a light blue cover. No need to check the watch, I know another day has begun. Rubbing the sleepiness out of my eyes, I inhale deeply still keeping some strings of hope for a better day. At least, this brings me some strength to face that process. And in my opinion, it doesn’t cost much to live on the bright side.

After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I change into something better than my sleeping suit. I look at myself one last time before leaving my room. Kiseop may take a glance at my appearance, mayn’t him? Anyway, this is a part of my routine.

I take a breath before pushing the door to Kiseop’s room. Without a sound, the door is opened narrowly. Sneaking my head in the crack, I quickly lay my eyes on the bed. To my horrifying surprise, no one is there. Kiseop is supposed to lie there with his back curled up almost pathetically. Pillows and bed sheets are supposed to be kicked elsewhere not on the bed since Kiseop always stirs a lot in his nightmares. However, the scene in front of me is totally different. 

The bed is already tidied up. It’s been quite some time since it was last in that condition because Kiseop spends most of his time there. I swing the door open swiftly and am greeted by an extraordinarily unexpected view immediately. My heart nearly stops beating at that moment.

On the window frame is Kiseop sitting. One leg is hugged by both of his arms. The other is falling down loosely, swinging in slow gentle motion. He drops his jaw on his knee with his eyes glancing out the window. He hasn’t noticed me coming in. That’s good since I am now granted a chance to hear his soft voice humming some incoherent songs or just words, in a relaxing way.

The outfit he is putting on also helps a lot. A white T-shirt has wide and deep neckline and long sleeves that are pulled up half-way. White pants fit his skinny legs in a perfect way. Kiseop reaches out one of his hand to touch the glass surface of the window. The sunbeams reflect on his pale skin making it look like Kiseop has an invisible aureole around. My mind, in a silly way, wonders if the creature in front of my eyes is an angel. But for that reason as well, Kiseop looks so unreal and distant like if I approach, he will disappear anytime soon. So I just hesitantly stay where I am now admiring the dreamy sight.

It doesn’t last long as I expected, Kiseop quickly realizes my existence in the room. Slowly turning his head around, his lips tug up a little, something like a… smile…

“Hoon.” he says softly.

All of a sudden, I’m at a loss for words. Ever since I took him here, never has he called my name in such a gentle, yet so sure and true way.

“Morning.” Kiseop greets.

“Let’s have breakfast. I have prepared it.” He continues because I haven’t let out a word.

His face starts to blush faintly. He hopes off the window walking straight towards me with his head hung low as if he is embarrassed, or maybe he really is?

“Wait… you prepared breakfast?” I snap out of my trance after realizing what has just slipped out of his tongue.

Without speaking anything, Kiseop just nods his head swiftly and pulls me out of the door leaving the room in the comfortable morning sunlight. What’s the date today? Why is everything this mind-blowing?

Kiseop leads me out heading for the kitchen. There on the table are lying two white plates. On top of them are some plain doughnuts. In addition to that, there are also two cups of chocolate milk. The breakfast is simple, but healthy enough to start a new day. I can’t help but smile gratefully at the sight. How long has it been since I was last prepared breakfast for? I moved out long ago to chase after my dream. At first, I skipped breakfast to save money. Then some fast food full of fatty was what I chose since it didn’t take much time. And finally it has been me, preparing breakfast for Kiseop.  

This is too good to be real…

“I bought them this morning…” Kiseop starts.

“It’s been quite some time since I last went out… so I just found some bakeries. And I wondered what you preferred for breakfast… there were so many choices… and…” he explains.

His fingers are fiddling together. He is such a cutie that I can’t help but…

Hug him right then and there.

Hug him close.

Hug him tight.

Hug him like my life depends on it.

Kiseop doesn’t protest. Just slowly, shyly… hold me back. His hands make their way to my back, carefully wrap around it. My shoulder gradually feels some tender pressure as his head drops on it. For the first time of all these months, Kiseop has held me in such a peaceful way, not fearful, not shaking, not broken, not depressed, not desperate.

“And I miss you.” He whispers in the hook of my neck.

The warmth from his lips and nose ghosts over my neck and spreads wide on my body entirely sending an electric wave through wherever it goes. Those words combined with his soft voice are like music to my ears driving me over the edge.

“I miss you, too.” I reply, unable to hold back my emotions.

Tears fall freely down my cheek. Why am I crying right now? Why do I cry every day? Why do I look so weak in front of him? How can he trust and depend on such a guy like me?

“I’m...” I am going to apologize to him for being such an emotional and unstable guy but he cuts me off right there.

“Thank you, Hoon. For everything.” The sentence comes out almost unheard but the non-existent space between us doesn’t let that happen.

“Thank you, Kiseop.” I respond, finally gaining some strength to quiet my sobs.

He shakes his head lightly. His soft hair brushes my skin tenderly. Everything is so gentle, so silent that it brings me a feeling of fragility and loss.

Suddenly he lets go of me then looks straight into me. His eyes are dry, but shining, unlike my teary ones. He smiles, again, for the second time in this magical morning.

“I’ve been torturing both of us for too long. It took me so much time to recover. But I have thought a lot. You know I know everything happen around me. I just couldn’t find a way to react. I was sinking so deep in my trance that I hurt you so severely. I won’t make you cry in pain anymore, promise.” He blurts out while holding my hands eagerly.

“What about making me cry in happiness?” I say lifting up one of his hand to wipe away the strained tears on my face.

“I’m doing right now, aren’t I?” he chuckles initiatively caressing my cheek.

“I’m a big crying baby.” I sniffle for the last time.

“Breakfast is waiting.” Kiseop reminds.

“Let’s go.” I pull him to the dinner table.

Dragging out a chair, I let him sit down then take a seat opposite to his. Our breakfast starts in silence as we both take a bite of the doughnuts. Their softness and fragrance are mixed together so well. Sipping our chocolate milk, I can feel the sweet bitterness melting on my tongue. This is just simply perfect.

“Can I ask you one question?” I speak.

“What’s that?” he puts his cup down.

“What made you change? Why today?” I query.

“That’s two.” He laughs awkwardly. However, I don’t see anything discomfort in it.

“Last night, I couldn’t sleep and couldn’t call you either since my dreams in the late afternoon had bled you white, I knew that for sure. Everything bothered me too much. So I went to the living room. Knowing nothing to do, I searched through the pile of paper on the stand there. Interestingly, I found your old schedule notebook. On the last page, you had written some red-letter days. Today is one of them, our friendship anniversary. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It’s been ten years, you and me. I have been such a bad friend. I have caused you so much trouble. I’m really sorry.” He looks down, not daring to look at me anymore.

“I don’t mind at all. You are who I care the most and I’ll do anything possible to make you happy.” I take his hands in mine. Giving them a light squeeze, I reassure him.

Kiseop gives me a nod and smiles before continuing.

“You know what? I ran to your room in my mental breakdown but found you curl up on your bed. I never saw you like that before. All the tiredness and discomfort were shown through your sleeping figure. I wanted to hug you like the way you hugged me every day, wanted to take care of you like you did to me. Everything I did when you showed me your weak breaking side was just keeping silent and whispering some useless apologies. I knew and realized it before but I couldn’t find the right time and sufficient courage to show you that. The nightmares and things like those were my habit already. I had sat by your bed, observing you and hugged that notebook for hours, thinking about everything about you and me… and him too. Hoon Min, I have made up my mind. It’s high time I needed to change. I’ll change as long as you stay by my side.” He finishes his explanation.

Knowing nothing to do or what to say, I keep silent holding his hands even tighter. The last sentence is enough.

Misery, worry, regret, doubt, sourness, hatred, blame, fear, uselessness, shame, aspiration… so much to handle… and all I have is just my depressing love for him.    

After finishing our breakfast, Kiseop insists on washing the dishes so I just let him do what he wants. Sitting at the table, I look over to the sink to observe his figure. His moves are moderate and calm, as if he is used to this task long before. Without expected, I make a wish that I would see him like this every day. Being oversentimental I am, I begin to wonder how much strength he needs to change this much in such a short period of time. Worry slowly crawls up in my stomach making me feel sick.

“Hoon Min ah.” Kiseop suddenly calls.

“Hum?” I reply vaguely.

“Would you mind if I prepare breakfast for you in the rest mornings of your life?” he asks really, really softly.

“Kiseop ah.” I call his name sweetly.

“Hum?” he imitates me.

“Would you mind if I eat the rest breakfasts of my life, with you?” I put some more pressure in the last two words.

Kiseop lets out a giggle and resumes his work, without answering my question. However, I won’t ask for more.

Maybe a little more, it’s okay anyway, I think.

I walk to him and give him a back hug. Catching his fluttered face, I can’t help but kiss him on the cheek. It is quick and tender but enough for now, in the first morning of our new life.  

A/N: Flufffyyyyyyyy, isnt it?? XD

Hope you enjoy and please comment!!!~~