Kyungsoo gulps, still trying to catch his breath as he reads the apartment number written on the door plate, checking if he is in the right place.

Apartment Number 12

Taking one deep, shaky breath, Kyungsoo rings the doorbell once. 

Kyungsoo stood there, waiting, trying to calm himself down and waiting for someone to answer the door. Only that he is scared that someone else would open the door. Someone that isn't Jongin. He just really wants to confirm. He came in here to know if Jongin is fine and also maybe because a small part of him wants Jongin to try and explain to him everything. His second reason may not happen but at least,  for the last time, he gets to see Jongin.

A few more minutes pass, and Kyungsoo checks his wristwatch.

What if Jongin isn't here anymore? What if Jongin had already left? What if Jongin doesn't want to see him anymore?  

A part of him dies. 

He rings the bell again twice.

Please.

And again.

But no one answers. 

Maybe he's not here anymore. 

Or maybe he doesn't want to open the door and see me.

Kyungsoo sighs, ultimately giving up, before he decides to leave.  

Why would you want to see him again, Kyungsoo? Didn't you want to end this all? He already knows the truth yet he still keeps hoping. There wasn't even anything to hope for.

He takes one last look to the door in front of him, silently whispering his goodbyes, hoping for anyone on the other side of the door to hear his silent plea. 

Maybe some day it can be possible. Maybe someday they can meet again. Somewhere beautiful, where the sky meets the horizon, where the earth can compare to the heavens, where flowers bloom and never wither. Maybe there, they can meet again and this time, genuinely fall in love again. Or for his case, fall deeper in love again.

The sound of the beeping of the door's lock catches Kyungsoo's attention and his heart that had been sullen starts to beat fast, pulse racing in anticipation and fear of what might welcome him.

What he doesn't expect is a pale Jongin, completely looking ill, staring at him. 

And just like the first time,

the second time,

and every single time they see each other,

To them, time stills. 

They stare into each other's eyes, both with longing and sadness.

"Kyungsoo..." 

Jongin's voice was so soft and small that Kyungsoo almost didn't hear him if not for the close distance. And for the first time, Kyungsoo takes note of Jongin's current look. His lips are dry, eyes tired, hair messy, and skin pale. 

The first reaction of a doctor is, of course, to worry.

"J-Jongin, a-are you okay?"

Of course he knows that Jongin isn't okay--

"Kyungsoo!"

—and Kyungsoo gets pulled in a tight hug; very tight, as if Jongin isn't willing to let go anymore, as if he is scared to let go. 

And maybe Jongin is. 

Then it occurred to Kyungsoo that Jongin is radiating too much heat.

"Jongin— Jongin you have a high fever!"

But does Kyungsoo know that?

****

Is this a dream?

Jongin keeps asking himself that as he stares at a Kyungsoo wringing a towel and putting it over his forehead.

"Kyungsoo..."

His voice sounds raspy and it hurts his throat to talk but he doesn't stop. His head is aching and it feels like it’s splitting into two. His vision is spinning but even when the world spins, everything continues to be blurry in his vision... everything except one person. Do Kyungsoo. It feels and looks surreal. Everything, except the Kyungsoo in his sight, is blurry. He tries to reach out his hand but he can’t, for his whole body feels heavy and his limbs are killing him.

The Kyungsoo he sees doesn't answer, nor does he look at him. Jongin's forehead wrinkles.

"Kyungsoo..." He calls again. He hears no answer again.

"Kyungsoo..." He calls again, voice coming out raspier. 

"Stop talking. You're hurting your throat." Kyungsoo finally answers as he tucks him under the blanket more comfortably. 

"Because you're not answering..."

Kyungsoo doesn't answer again. He feels Jongin's cheek with the back of his palm to check his body temperature and Jongin closes his eyes, feeling the other's touch.

"I missed you so much." 

Jongin felt how Kyungsoo flinches away after what he says and he opens his eyes to look at Kyungsoo who looks away.

"I'll go get some medicine in the store—" Kyungsoo stood up and was about to leave when he feels Jongin's fingers wrap around his wrist.

"Don't go..."

Kyungsoo looks into Jongin's tired eyes and it seems that he couldn't look away. He couldn't quite figure out what to make out of the look on Jongin's eyes. Is it guilt? Sadness? He couldn't figure it out. It feels like he doesn't know Jongin anymore. When did he anyway? He thought he knows Jongin enough. It turns out he never knew anything about him.

Kyungsoo sighs. 

"You won't get better if you don't drink any medicine, Jongin. I'll just get medicine and come back fast so—"

"I need you..."

Kyungsoo watches in worry as Jongin pushes himself to sit, the towel sliding off his forehead. There’s a part of him wanting to hold Jongin and tell him to not move further and rest. But most of him tells him not to, because he knows that it would take just one touch for him to start crumbling down and the emotion he had been trying to keep to himself to start exploding in his chest like a time bomb, waiting to explode with just one wrong move. Touching Jongin was the wrong move that electrocutes his every nerve, making him yearn and hold Jongin only to never let go again.

But what if Jongin doesn’t want him back? Or never wanted him in the first place?

To build something on a foundation that wasn’t stable in the first place was a death sentence itself. And that is what this, whatever they call this thing they have, this relation is built on poor foundations. It's one of those relationships that won't last long. And Kyungsoo can’t be greedy to the only person he loves. Kyungsoo is willing to let go if it’s for Jongin. He’d rather be in pain alone.

"That's why I'll bring you medicine. I'll return quickly as soon as-—"

****

Jongin isn’t like Kyungsoo.

"I'm so sorry I lied. Please, don't leave me."

Jongin had always been the type to let go. Not once has he asked someone to stay. Every person in Earth used to be just objects that he can use for his own survival.  They come and go, it doesn’t matter to Jongin. He doesn’t associate with any of them unless it would benefit him.

But then here comes Kyungsoo--the person who changes the way he sees the world. The dull world full of faceless people became filled with color, lighting up because of Kyungsoo’s presence. Being left behind was never an issue for him before. In fact, he used to be the one who always leaves. But not anymore now that he had meet Kyungsoo—or knew him.

Kyungsoo fills Jongin’s dark night sky with stars but one star outshines the others—Do Kyungsoo. He fell in love so easily that it frightened him at first. But he had never wanted anything as much as he wants Kyungsoo. And he knew right from the time he had seen Kyungsoo’s sweet smile that he will never be able to really let go of Kyungsoo. It doesn’t matter if he had to be greedy because he had always been one. The only difference is that this time, the reason is to keep someone by his side.

Jongin wishes he could someday be the reason behind the same smile that had him falling so easily in love with Kyungsoo. But words stay unsaid. Jongin continues to hesitate, fearing that he might receive answers that could only take them apart. He wants to spend every waking day with Kyungsoo and he is willing to do anything for that to happen.

“Jongin, let’s not talk about this now. What’s important is—“

“You are what’s important to me, Kyungsoo. You.”

And you are to me.

Kyungsoo stills, staring into Jongin’s eyes again, gradually feeling his heart clenching.

Oh how he wishes for Jongin’s words to be true.

Kyungsoo averts his gaze to Jongin’s bony fingers that are wrapped so weakly around his wrist.

“Alright,” he then looks at Jongin with glassy eyes. “I get it.  I understand. I forgive you. Now let me go so I can—“

But Jongin can’t wait for any minute longer. He doesn’t want to lose sight of Kyungsoo anymore for this time could be the last. He can’t let Kyungsoo leave him and empty the part in his own heart that he never knew was missing.

“No,” Jongin painstakingly gulps. “I don’t want you to go. I don’t want you to leave. Please.”

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo sits back down on the side of bed, “I need to go and get medicine so that you’ll get better soon. I’ll just be back soon—“

“It doesn’t matter,” Jongin whispers, eyes shimmering with unshed tears. It’s the first time Kyungsoo sees tears in Jongin’s eyes and gets taken aback by the tears he sees falling from Jongin's eyes. This is the first time he sees Jongin crying... “It doesn’t matter if I don’t get better if it means you not leaving me.” Jongin cups Kyungsoo’s face with a free hand, Kyungsoo flinches at the sudden touch that sends volts throughout his whole body. “I only need you. I don’t need anything else.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t know which caused him to cry: the sight of the man he loves crying or the words the man he loves is saying.

Silence reigns as they stare into each other’s eyes, silent tears continue to squeeze out of the corners of both their eyes. Their gazes speak of emotions more than words could ever manage to and It’s then that they realize how they both miss each other.

The walls that Kyungsoo had gruellingly built around him fell the moment Jongin pulls him in a tight, desperate hug.

“I only need you.”

Kyungsoo closes his eyes, feeling the tears running down his cheeks as he lets Jongin hug him close. It hurts. It hurts because no matter how much he tries to convince himself that Jongin isn't lying to him, That Jongin is saying the truth right now, he can't. He just can't believe it anymore. And that's what's more painful because he couldn't even fool himself.

Jongin hugs Kyungsoo closer, tighter, desperately, scared that once he lets go Kyungsoo would go and leave him again.

Kyungsoo closes his eyes and sighs in defeat.

"Alright. I'm not leaving. Just get some rest then. Go to sleep now."

There was a pause, Jongin still does not let go. "Will you join me in bed then?"

No.

Kyungsoo wants to scream and cry in frustration. He knows they are both lying to themselves but he still continues to let all of this happen. Why does he hurt himself? Why does he continue to lie?

"Please?," Jongin hugs him tighter, clinging to him like a child. It clenches Kyungsoo's heart.

He closes his eyes as he answers. "Alright. I'm joining you. You have to sleep."

Jongin, although slow, is trying to make sure that Kyungsoo joins him to bed and holds Kyungsoo close to him, hugging the smaller male in his chest tightly.

I'll never let you go again.

But he doesn't see the tears that slowly began to flow down from Kyungsoo's eyes. He misses this; he misses being held by Jongin like this. And then more tears flow because he realizes that all those time he spent with Jongin, none of what he thought they shared is real. He had been trying to hold onto a rope that was torn before he could even hold on to it.

Tonight, Kyungsoo tells himself. Just tonight.

Kyungsoo closes his eyes, still listening to the calm breathing of Jongin and wondering how he finds his calm breathing beautiful.

****

Days passed and Kyungsoo's words, yet again, turn to ashes. At first he promises himself that he would leave when Jongin wakes up. Jongin woke up but he couldn't find it in him the courage to leave. Just until he finishes eating. Jongin finishes the food he has been feeding him and decides to let time pass by. Just tonight, he tells himself again. But morning came and still, he doesn't leave. He could not leave Jongin, not in this situation.

Sometimes, Kyungsoo cowers away from the man he loves, fearing that he might not be able to pull away and stand back up when Jongin's sickness ebbs away and he becomes just a someone to Jongin. Sometimes he holds him close because when Jongin recovers, he can't do it anymore. He can't hold him close anymore. He is treasuring the last moments, that is. He can't keep on deluding himself like this. He tries and tries to convince himself that this is just the doctor side of him, treating someone in need. A public service. He knows he is lying to himself again, but it's not like there's anything else he can use as an excuse to his actions.

****

The world continues to spin and turns everything into blurry images. It feels like there is a light switch somewhere and someone controls it so that he can wake up when that someone turns on the switch and uncontrollably falls asleep when it is turned off.

But it's okay because everytime he wakes up, no matter how dizzying the surrounding is, Jongin can make out one person. Just one important person. Kyungsoo.

Sometimes, he wakes up to see Kyungsoo staring up at his ceiling and Jongin would stir, sending Kyungsoo's attention back to him. Jongin feels reassured because finally, he knows this is Kyungsoo taking care of him. Then someone turns off the switch. Jongin falls back to sleep.

Some nights he wakes up feeling someone's heat beside him. Kyungsoo is leaning on the headboard while reading a book. Jongin, although he feels like his body is very heavy, lifts an arm to wrap it around Kyungsoo's waist. He feels Kyungsoo flinch in the touch but doesn't move away. Jongin sighs in relief and someone turns off the switch again.

Other times, he would wake up, seeing Kyungsoo sitting beside the bed on a chair, and using his folded arms as his pillow as he sleeps silently. Jongin reaches for Kyungsoo and slowly caresses his cheek. The switch is being turned off again, Jongin drifts away.

Other nights, he wakes up to see Kyungsoo watching the news. Jongin would reach for his hand and intertwines their fingers. Kyungsoo's hand fits perfectly in his. He lets himself drift away again as the switch gets turned off.

Everytime he wakes up, the first thing he does is look for Kyungsoo. He reaches for the other and sighs in relief when he feels Kyungsoo beside him or holding him back. He has Kyungsoo, that's enough. He drifts away again.

Most of the time though, it is Kyungsoo who would wake him up to feed him medicine or the soup broth that he prepares for him. Jongin would painstakingly sit up to eat, being careful and obedient, scared that if he does something wrong, Kyungsoo might leave him in his sleep.

Kyungsoo, he noticed, doesn't speak that much anymore. Jongin knows Kyungsoo still doesn't forgive him but at least he has him by his side, for now that is enough for him. Being able to hold Kyungsoo is enough.

He doesn't know how many days he has been sick. He doesn't want to count the days.  He doesn't want days to pass by fast. He doesn't want to recover again because being sick, no matter how foolish it sounds, is the only way he can keep Kyungsoo by his side.

He doesn't know what day it was but he fears that the day he dreaded has come. Jongin wakes up and does what he always initially does right when he wakes up. He reaches for Kyungsoo, and tries to find him, to feel his presence, but there is nothing. The warmth of Kyungsoo is nowhere.  Jongin's heart races. He opens his eyes and although he feels better than all the days that had passed, Jongin still feels dizzy. But in his spinning world, he doesn't see that certain figure. That certain person. Jongin's heart falls all the way down to the ground. Kyungsoo is gone.

Jongin, although struggling, tries to stand up. His world is spinning and his head feels like it is splitting into two but he tries to walk.

"Kyungsoo!"

But there was no answer.

Jongin falls forward with a loud thud. But he doesn't even notice the pain.

"Kyungsoo!” He calls again.

Still no answer. Jongin closes his eyes tightly and opens them to try and still his vision. It doesn’t work. He tries to stand up again, only to fall down, unable to balance himself. That's when he hears footsteps coming near him. He looks up and sees him.

"Kyungsoo!" He calls and this time there's an answer.

"Jongin!," the voice was frantic. Jongin feels warm hands holding him. "What happened? Are you okay?"

Jongin doesn't answer and instead pulls Kyungsoo in his arms and hugs him tightly.

"Jongin," Kyungsoo starts rubbing his back. "Jongin, calm down. What is it? What's wrong?"

Jongin is breathing heavily but opts to bury his face in the crook of Kyungsoo's neck, unwilling to let go.

"Calm down... It's okay now... It's okay now..." Kyungsoo continues to rub his back as he whispers soothing words to him. It does work, for Jongin is slowly beginning to breathe calmly.

A few minutes had passed and when Jongin calms down, Kyungsoo tries to pull away only to be pulled back by Jongin.

"Don't go. Please."

Kyungsoo's eyes widen. Jongin's voice cracked as he spoke and there's no mistaking it. Jongin is crying. Worried, Kyungsoo hugs him back and rubs soothing circles on Jongin's back. 

"I thought you left me already..."

Kyungsoo doesn't know what to make of that. He had wanted to leave but he just can't. No matter how much he lies to himself, he knows deep inside that he loves Jongin no matter what. He might be physically away from Jongin but his heart and soul will always be with the other.

He begins to caress the back of Jongin's head.

"I'm not going anywhere, Jongin. I'm not going to leave."

They stayed still for a few moments before it was Jongin who pulls away. He cups the side of Kyungsoo's face and looks him in the eyes. Kyungsoo can't look away.

“I’m so sorry I lied to you. Please. I was so scared that you won’t accept me for who I am. I was so scared you would leave me when you find out how I live my life—I," He pauses to hold Kyungsoo's hands and looks at them. "I was never proud of my life, Kyungsoo. My life had always been filled with shame and sins just for the sole purpose of living. But you gave my life a meaning and I can’t continue living this life without you..." And when Jongin looks up, Kyungsoo's heart clenches at the sight of him crying. "Please, Kyungsoo... believe me.”

Kyungsoo thinks it’s stupid how just one touch and a few words could have the tower he built around himself crumbling down to the ground and him running back to the person he said he would let go.

Kyungsoo pulls away, gently. And although there’s a trail of tears on his cheeks, he smiles softly at Jongin. There's no more running away. He knows that it could hurt him again but seeing Jongin like this, so broken, is enough to have him risking his heart again. Jongin can break him again, he doesn't care anymore. The uncertainty of what Jongin really feels for him can break him to pieces so easily but he is willing to take the risk.

“Stupid. I fell in love with you not because of your status in life.”

A pause.

Jongin stares into Kyungsoo’s eyes, head still heavy and dizzy. But one thing registers in his head.

“You… love me?”

 A smile began to form on Jongin's lips.

Kyungsoo stills, realizing what he just said. It might have been because his head had been swimming with the thought of Jongin that he doesn’t even realize his heart beating at an unhealthily fast rate. It beats so loud that he worries the other might hear it. He looks back at the other, ready to re-state his words in a less embarrassing choice of words but Jongin cuts him off before he could even have the opportunity to speak.

Jongin's lips are on his and flowers blooms in Kyungsoo's heart, the butterflies starts to flutter. 

When Jongin pulls away, Kyungsoo’s eyes are downcast as a pretty blush spreads on his cheeks. The feeling of Jongin’s lips on his lingers, like it never left his lips. It was their third kiss. Chaste, sudden, and it has Kyungsoo’s heart beating louder.

Jongin cups Kyungsoo's face again, his thumbs caressing Kyungsoo's blushing cheeks. Kyungsoo still doesn't look up. “I can hear your heart beating loud...”

Kyungsoo eyes widen as he looks at Jongin unbelievingly. Impossible.

Jongin laughs a little at the look on Kyungsoo’s face.

“You’re not allowed to take back what you just said.”  

Kyungsoo’s face reddens even more. And he thinks that it’s okay to run back into Jongin’s arms and hide, if he is welcomed with open arms.

“Because I love you too.”

There is a static ringing in Kyungsoo’s head. He stares into Jongin's eyes, at first not believing. 'Till a smile begins to form on his lips. 

Jongin’s world is starting to move faster.

And Kyungsoo is feeling dizzy. He feels dizzy with all of Jongin.

But...

Their dizzying world stops on its axis and Kyungsoo leans forward to place a kiss on Jongin’s lips. Their fourth kiss happens inside Jongin’s room, under his recently glow-in-the-dark covered ceiling.

It was slow, romantic and most importantly,

…it’s a kiss filled with love.

Kyungsoo realizes that maybe, this is where that beautiful place is. That anywhere with Jongin is a beautiful place where the sky meets the horizon, where the earth can compare to the heavens, where flowers bloom and never wither.

That anywhere with Jongin is a beautiful place where they could fall into each other's arms in love,

over and over again. 

[140915]

Yeah so as I've said before. this had been posted before but then I had it on hide because I didn't like how it ended. I just couldn't really concentrate because schooooool. but I feel like I need to compensate you guys for I am always not around so I wanted to give you guys a better chapter. The previous updates weren't so much to my liking.  Also, I've received complaints about my layout codes, making it hard for mobile readers to read my story so I decided to take off the codes :>

I hope you like this chapter and the changes I've made and please please do subscribe/ upvote/ comment. They encourage me to update faster! haha.^w^)/

P.S. thank you to all those people who recommend this fanfic of mine. really guys, I don't even know if I really deserve being recommended but thank you sooo much! it means a lot to me that you guys appreciate this little story and would even recommend it to others. uvu 

This is unbeta-ed so please forgive the mistakessss haha. I'll try to umm check them later?  :>

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