Jonghun and his band mate Hongki had been stick out together since the first years after their debut which made issue that ‘Jongki couple is real’ filled all Blog, fan cafe, web, homepage, even social network every members. For Hongki all he did with Jonghun just for fan service, that’s all. He keep said that he does like girl not man. Different from their Lead Vocal, Jonghun had weird feelings toward Hongki. He has loving him since they first met. He has been hiding his feeling for years until he feels can't keep it anymore and decided to tell Hongki.

Everything didn't go as his expected. He told Hongki, but he just stared at him with his dark brown eyes. Those beautiful eye that Jonghun like the most. Cheerful and happiness which you can always see in his eyes turned into anger and wrath.

“Hongki?” The silence grew heavier in the air. He hopes Hongki also feel the same way, but it seems Hongki doesn't. He holds his breath while waiting for an answer.

“ JONGHUN!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?! YOU WANT TO DESTROY FT ISLAND?? CRUSH YOUR DONGSAENG DREAMS?? YOU ARE LEADER!! YOU SHOULDN’T BE LIKE THIS!!” Hongki blurted out.

 Jonghun looked as if he had slapped him. He resisted the urge to cover his ears. He deserved it. Jonghun knew he shouldn’t love Hongki more than a friend. That’s disgusting. If their CEO heard about this, maybe FT ISLAND will be disbanded. Since they formed CNBLUE, FT ISLAND no longer got ‘attention' from their CEO. It doesn't matter how small the scandal their member created, they will make that as an excuse to make FT ISLAND disbanded.

“I didn’t...” Jonghun cleared his throat before he continued, “I didn’t mean to destroy our band or hurt Jaejin, Seunghyun, and Minhwan for God’s sake,” he murmured under his breath. Hongki stared at him with a gaze that made Jonghun more hating himself.

“You know? YOU RUIN OUR FRIENDSHIP WITH YOUR ING FEELING!!” Hongki point his finger on Jonghun chest. His last words pierced Jonghun’s heart. Made sharp pain twisted inside his chest. 

“I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean that.” His voice was shaking. He lowered his head to avoid Hongki gaze.  He could feel his eyes getting teary. He knew this day will be come, he knew that his heart would shattered into pieces yet he still confessed. Because it was just so hard for him that he had kept this feeling toward Hongki for too long already. He gritted his teeth as he tries to holding back his tears. He didn't want to show that he’s broken, not in front of Hongki.

“It’s too late. Don’t ever talk about this again.” Hongki said before he left. Jonghun grabbed the table next to him and let out the pain. His heart sank and felt like someone stuck a knife inside.

Hongki didn’t even glance at Jonghun afterward. He has been avoiding Jonghun. He made everything as an excuse whenever Jonghun tried to talk with him. He made Jonghun worried because he rarely returns to their dorm. Jonghun sent him a message and called him, but didn’t get an answer or replay until one of his dongsaeng told him that Hongki spent night in another place or hang out with his friends. Once he returned to dorm, he came past midnight and left early morning. Jaejin, Seunghyun and Minhwan realized there's something happened between Jonghun and Hongki.

“Hyung, what’s going on? Did you and Hongki hyung fight?” Jaejin asked, looking at Jonghun directly.

“We’re not fighting,” Jonghun muttered gruffly.

Jaejin sighs “That’s what Hongki hyung said too.”

“Because it’s true” Jonghun insisted as he patted Jaejin head. “Don’t worry Jaejin-a, everything will be alright.” I hope, Jonghun wish.

FT ISLAND participates in IDOL CHAMPIONSHIP along with another idol. Hongki didn’t come. He used to be other variety show filming.

Jonghun let out a nervous sigh as he stands in wrestling arena. He was forced to attend this event. He throws his gaze to the side of arena. Smile slightly as he heard some people screaming their support for him. Referee told them to take a position. He is staring at his opponent in front of him, MBLAQ Yang Seungho. He bowed before put his hand on the shawl that wrap Seungho’s hip. As soon as they heard sound of whistle, they start to attack and pushing each other. Jonghun didn’t’ bother to win, but he gives his best. Sweats pouring Jonghun face. His breath become heavy and his legs began to give up.

Seungho tried to tackle Jonghun’s feet, he moves fast to avoid it, but he lost his balance due to his fast movement. Seungho takes that chance, he pulled Jonghun’s shawl and throw him. Jonghun slammed into the ground and pulled Seungho along with him because Seungho’s shawl still wrapped around Jonghun’s palm until wrist. Both of them landed hardly on the ground. Seungho fell on Jonghun’s hand. A sharp, piercing pain shoots through Jonghun’s wrist and up his arm. He groaned in pain. The audience gasped, some people shouted Jonghun name. Seungho stood and realized there is something wrong with Jonghun. He still curled on the ground while holding his hand on his chest. Seungho helped Jonghun to get up and took him off the arena for medical treatment.

“Hyung, are you alright? How’s your hand?” s run to him soon as he treated. He lifted his hand which had bandage cover from his wrist until his palm. They look worried. He could see Minhwan’s eyes shining by tears.

“It just sprained, this bandage make it look worse” He convinced them. Paramedic gave him an injection to reduce the pain, he wish they can do the same for his pain inside.

“How about we go to hospital?” Minwhan begged. He is the most caring member and they love him because of that.

” It’s alright Minari, It doesn’t even hurt now.” Jonghun chuckled. Minhwan bites his lip. He still insisted that they need to go to the hospital and Jonghun knew it from his gaze.

“We need to make sure Hyung.” He showed his miserable eyes as he grabbed Jonghun lower shirt. Jaejin and Seunghyun just nodded. They know Minhwan won’t give up easily.

“Alright, if it still hurt for few days, I promise I’ll go. Seungho hyung will feel guiltier if we go now. You know, he didn’t stop apologize to me even though I've said that this is accident, wasn’t his fault.” He flashed his smile as he tried to persuade his maknae. Minhwan considered it for a while before he nods slightly.

Starting from today they’ll practice like crazy for their single. Jonghun getting frustrate since he can’t use his left hand and only watch the practice. It was hurt like hell when he tried to play his guitar. Their manager and came suddenly in the middle of their instrument practice with huge grin on his face, Hongki followed him behind. Hongki didn’t even ask about his condition, He didn’t care.  He could feel a sharp pain stabbed him not in his hand, but in his chest. Their manager revealed happily that Hongki hyung agreed to participate in We Got Married International. The show filming will be start tomorrow. Jaejin and Minwhan bounced around Hongki happily. Seunghyun glanced at Jonghun who looks shocked and disbelieved.

After the day they met for WGM first episode, Hongki and Mina became close. They often met even when there’s no filming schedule. Many fans said that they matched each other and they’re will be a perfect couple. Jonghun know that it's better for him to not watch that broadcast. It will just make it more garbled.

Jonghun walked into their dorm, closing the door gently behind him and take of his coat. He frowned as he heard familiar laughter from kitchen. He also heard woman speaks in seductively.

“Hyung, finally you back.” Minhwan said approach him. “What is that?” He pointed at Jonghun's plastic bag.

“Our dinner,” He handed it. Jonghun usually cook by himself for breakfast or dinner but due to his hand they have to delivery or buy it outside.

“Chicken!”  Minwhan screamed happily for a sec before he sighed. Jonghun titled his head as he raised a questioning eyebrow.

“Mina nuna came to dinner with us. Nuna and Hongki hyung preparing for it now,” He said uneasy. Jonghun didn’t say anything until they heard Minhwan called by Hongki for dinner.

“Coming” He yelled back. “Hyung, let’s go.” He grabbed Jonghun’s health hand and drags him to dining room, ignored his protest all the way. Minhwan ate too much. Though Jonghun already said it’s ok, he insists to eat all the chicken that Jonghun bought. Jaejin and Seunghyun are betting silently whether he will vomit or not. Mina acted cute during the dinner toward Hongki and the other members. She did too much skin ship with them. She feed Hongki and Hongki did the same. Jonghun threw his gaze away when they’re did that.

“Jonghun-ssi, you don’t like it?” Mina reached across the table and grabbed Jonghun’s injury hand. Jonghun gasped. He felt snapping and burning sensation on his hand. Mina doesn’t know about his wrist, Jonghun wears long sleeve to cover it.

“It’s my favorite, but I’ve eaten,” He lied as he pulled back his hand slowly. Clenched his teeth while the process. “I’m tired, Thanks for your cook” he said with a shudder and walked into his room while holding his hand.

He sprays painkillers on his hand. The effect begins to kick in and his hand begins to numb as he heard knock at his door.

“Hyung, can I come in?” Minhwan asked. Jonghun took a deep breath before answer him. Minhwan popped his brunette head then stepped in. He sat next to Jonghun on bed, glanced at his wrist worriedly.

“It has been several days.” he said sadly.  “Keep your promise hyung.” Jonghun nodded in agreement. He barely forgot his pain in his wrist because of the overwhelming agony inside him is more hurt than it.

“I’ll go tomorrow.” He decided. He doesn’t want Minhwan or the other feel worry anymore.

“I’ll come with you.” He said, seems he doesn't believe that Jonghun will do it. Jonghun gave him ‘do you think I’m lying’ look then he sigh. “Alright, we’ll go before practice.” He smiled serenely.

Jonghun entered examination room. He asked Minhwan to wait for him outside. Jonghun explain what happened to the doctor while nurse take his bandage off. He startled. His wrist is swollen and bruised. The doctor frowned and stared at him.

“I wonder how you can stand the pain. It’s terrible.” Jonghun trailed off since he also didn’t know the answer when it isn’t the only one pain that he felt. The doctor examined carefully.

“Can you bend your finger?” he asked. Jonghun nodded slightly and showed a little to him.

“How about hold an object?” The doctor gave him pen. He reached out to take the pen, yelped in pain when he tried to grab that and makes him dropped it. Tears begin to form in his eyes as he tried to endure the pain.

“How about your sleep lately?” He asked after a while.

“Sorry?” Jonghun looked at him confusedly, whether he misheard or not. He couldn’t find the connection between his injury and his sleep.

“How about your sleep lately? I mean it must be hurt like hell.” He repeated.

“Bad, I almost couldn’t sleep” He murmured. He barely sleeps at night after what he went through. He could cover up what he felt in his heart all day but when it comes to night, he spilled everything out, the suffering, the longing, the lost, the grief, the agony. He often awake during the night because all of the pain he felt, either of his wrist or else.

“Is that so? That’s why you look so pale and lifeless.” He entwined his fingers above the table. Yeah, but my injury isn’t the only reason. Jonghun Thought.

“I expected you have a ligament injury of the wrist” He said. “Its caused you have decreased grip strength, loss of feeling in the fingers, and a loss of strength and coordination at the base of the thumb. If this condition is not treated, it could result in permanent deterioration of muscle tissue and loss of hand function.” He explained worriedly.

“There are two options to cure it. First choice wears a cast or splint for six until eight weeks to allow the ligament to heal. After that you have to work with a physical or occupational therapist. Treatments are used to help you regain wrist range of motion, strength, and function. Second choice is surgery, but there is no single operation that is used to fix ligament injuries of the wrist. Several surgical procedures are used depending on the problem then Physical or occupational therapy sessions may be needed for up to three months after surgery.” Jonghun didn’t believe what he heard. His heart beating fast and he begins to trembling.

“Whichever your choice later, you’re still not allowed to lift a heavy objects or do activities that burden your wrist.” He continued. Jonghun give him ‘what the hell’ look. He hope that the doctor will said he was just fooling around or this is secret camera, but no. he wasn’t kidding and there’s no secret camera.

“It’s not true right?” He asked pleasingly. “I’m sorry.” The doctor replied

There’s one thing important. “Can...Can I still play guitar?” His voice sounds like whisper. The doctor broke his heart by shook his head. “It’ll be hard for you to play guitar.” He felt sorry for him. Jonghun stood suddenly and left. Jonghun run passed Minwhan who stood as he saw Jonghun. Minhwan called out to him, but Jonghun just speed away. His wrist ached from shaking, but he still run, moving his feet step by step as tears rolling down his face. His world fallen apart. Nothing can describe what he feels now. He entered his room. Slammed the door and locked it, makes Seunghyun and Jaejin glanced each other.

“What’s wrong with him? Doesn’t he suppose to be at hospital? Where’s Minhwan?” Seunghyun shrugged by Jaejin questions.

“How can I know the answer hyung? I'm with you all day” Jaejin rolled his eyes and smacked Seunghyun head even though he was right. Jaejin walked to Jonghun room. He knocked slowly.

“Hyung? Are you ok?” he asked. After a few second he heard Jonghun voice.

“Just a bit tired. Leave me alone,” He said. His voice sound breaking and hoarse. He doesn’t want talk to anyone at this time. Jaejin was about to ask for more when he felt a familiar vibrate on his pocket.

“Ne, Minhwan, where are you?” He picked up his phone.

“Hyung, I lost Jonghun hyung, he’s home?” he panted. Jaejin can hear his panic tone. He walked away from Jonghun room.

“Yeah, he’s home now. Locked himself at his room, what’s wrong?” Minhwan let out sigh of relief.

“I don’t know hyung. He ran crazily after met the doctor, have you tried to talk with him?” he asked

“I don’t know hyung. He ran crazily after met the doctor, have you tried to talk with him?” he asked

“Yeah, but he just said that he tired and not to disturb him.” Jaejin said. He scratched his head. They didn’t quite understand what happened.  “Just go home, we’ll talk later,” he said and pressed end call.

Later Jonghun told them that he felt frustrated because he must to wear a cast or splint for several weeks. He apologized to Minhwan because he left him. They surely knew how Jonghun feel. They give him encouragement and support, but that didn’t make Jonghun feel better. He didn’t tell them the whole truth. He can’t even accept it. All he can do now is just pretending to be fine.  

The CEO announced the date for their single release. The meeting was over. Hongki was the first who leave the room, said that he had an appointment with Heechul. Jaejin left to follow Minhwan and Seunghyun who have went out first. They planned to have lunch at the café next to the FNC building. Minhwan asked Jonghun to come along, but he refused. Jaejin was about to catch up Seunghyun and Minhwan when he heard their CEO voice speaks to Jonghun.

“Jonghun, can I have your time? There’s something I want to talk.” The CEO said.

“What?” Jonghun said in monotone tone.

“How’s your hand? You can’t play guitar, can you” The CEO asked

“It’s fine.” He replied indifferent. He heard sound of hitting table.

“Don’t be kidding me!” The CEO snapped. “I’ve heard from your doctor about it! You won’t be able to play guitar like now!” What? What is he talking about? Jaejin Thought.

“We need to publish about your ligament injury and make J.TUNE Camp pay for all of this. They must take responsibility!”

“No! It was accident not their fault!” Jonghun yelled. He does have a bit of resentment to Seungho, but he doesn’t want all MBLAQ members get into trouble because of him. They have their dreams to be achieved, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have one too, but he won’t drag them with him as he won’t drag his own members.

“It was their fault!! You have to blame Seungho for that! What will you do now? You can’t play guitar. You’ll become a burden for your band!” The CEO shouted. Jonghun winced heard that words.

“No, I won’t. I’ll make this my last single and play piano for the instrument instead” He could still move his finger to play the piano after take amount of the painkillers. He already thought about it before and maybe this was the best solution. “Then you can use the same reason as for Wonbin.” He said and left. Jaejin hides his self behind the wall when Jonghun open the door. Luckily he didn’t saw him. Jaejin stood frozen with his hands over his mouth. He didn't believe what he has just heard.

Seunghyun POV

We finished recording for our new album. The tempo of the song was changed. It becomes ballad song, maybe it because Jonghun hyung haven’t been able to play guitar now. They asked me to clean-up this place because I was the last person to record. Damn. Hongki Hyung must left early because he has wedding filming this evening. The rest of members waving hand to me before leaved. I'm freaking sure there’s imperialist blood in them except Jonghun hyung. I’m glad he offered to help, although he wasn’t much helpful due to his hand. We kept cleaning in silent. He’s really different lately so is Jaejin. He’s still Jonghun hyung I mean, in physically. He always told us he was fine, but I know he lied. He told us there’s nothing happened between him and Hongki hyung, but it also lies. They didn’t talk each other and Hongki hyung always avoid him. Jonghun hyung looks depressed. I didn’t remember the last time he laugh and joking around with us. It’s been a while. I’m sure Jaejin knew something, but he didn’t want to talk with me.

“Hyung, I know you’re hiding something from us,” I spoke bravely out of nowhere. He glared at me with dark circle under his eyes. “You can find someone else if you got rejected by Hongki hyung,” I said without thinking. He startled when I said that. I jumped in surprise when I saw his eyes getting teary.

Omo, What have I done? He cries? Daebak, did I make him cry? I’m really a black hole, Useless confident, damn 16D. I cursed myself.

“I...I’m sorry hyung.” Its first time I saw him cried. Not exactly, He cried at our concert, but it’s different. What to do? Hongki hyung hugged him that time. Should I do it? It’ll be awkward though. I think it’s what they called the real mental collapse. ARRGH!! I’M GOING INSANE!!

“You don’t have to. It’s alright,” he said in agony. What does he mean? I don’t have to hug him or I don’t have to felt sorry? He seems in pain and sorrowful. “How do you know?” his voice broke lower.

“Instinct” I shrugged. “Did they also know?” he asked referred to Jaejin and Minhwan.

“They haven’t talk, but it’s too obvious.” I doubt if they didn’t. I mocked.

“Is that so? Can you keep this as secret?” he pleaded.

“O-Of course hyung. You know, you can talk to me anytime” He stands and ruffles my hair. “Thank you.” He showed me a bitter smile and left. Bravo Seunghyun, because of your damn big mouth now you must clean the rest by yourself!

Jonghun Pov

‘It’s too obvious’. He was right. I sat on bench near the building. A tiny smile formed in my lips when I saw some little kid running around cheerfully. Hope I can be like them, no burden. I reminded of the choice I had made, to leave FT ISLAND. That choice will be changed my life completely.

 I hate my life. Every single night I drowned myself in tears to sleep. No matter how loud I laugh, I’m still not happy. No matter how hard I cry, the sadness inside grows. I couldn’t even try to move on. The pain never stopped. I thought if I ignored the pain, the pain would go away and things would change, but I was wrong, the pain is getting too much to bear instead. What should I do?  I’m nothing now. My live is crushing down. I pulled out cigarette from my pocket and light it.

“Hyung, I’m looking for you. What are you doing here?” That voice realized me from my thought.  My eyes drifted towards the voice were coming.

“Nothing, I think you already back to dorm or prepare for his wedding,” I said to Jaejin who shook his head. His eyes widen when he saw the cigarette. 

“You are smoking?” He asked disbelieve as he sat in the empty space next to me.

“Ehm...Ne, sometimes.” I smacked it to the ground and stepped on it. I do it to distract my mind but it’s useless. “What’s wrong?” I reminded him.

“Manager asked us to sing at Hongki hyung wedding later.” I stared at him blankly. “Why so sudden?” He shrugged. “Seunghyun will play the guitar, you just need to sing the first part like usual.” He explained. I think manager already knew about my hand. I sighed.

“What song?” I asked. “Ee...Your song,’ I hope you will be my lover’.” He answered. Perfect. “But there is a word will be replaced. From ‘I hope you will be my lover’ become ‘I hope you will be my bride’.” He murmured.

“Why is that?” He seems uncomfortable and doesn’t want to answer. “Why?” I repeated.

“Because Hongki hyung had to kiss Mina nuna cheek when there is the word ‘bride’.” He muttered and looks guilty. Why is he like this? Did he know it too?

“Alright, let’s do it then.” I get up and stretch my hand. Pretend that’s not a big deal when it’s killing me inside.

“What?” I asked as I felt Jaejin had been kept his gaze on me.

“You’ve been weird lately hyung. You sure you okay?” I forced a smile. “Nee, don’t worry about it” He looked hesitant for a while but nodded.

I want to escape from this life and get rid from this sorrow. I'm tired of lies to everyone. Keep on pretending I’m happy when I couldn’t even smile. I’m sick of it.

Jaejin Pov

There are many questions in my mind but I don’t know where to begin is and how to ask. He crushes and I can’t do anything for him. Maybe I should tell Hongki hyung about this. Yes, it must.                       

                                                                                                **********

All of FNC ENTERTAIMENT family came to attend Hongki and his partner Fuji Mina weeding day. It’s just for the show. But they make it like a real marriage. They even called someone to be their Priest to bless their weeding. Hongki looks gorgeous and hot. He wears white shirt covered with black tuxedo, paired by skinny black trousers. His hair was permed and pulled into a small ponytail at the nape of his neck.

The ceremony was over. They spread petals and sprayed fake snow towards the bride. It’s time for them to sing. The song started with Jonghun soft and sweet voice. All guests made a line and clapped their hand, following the rhythm of the song.

Jonghun holds his gaze as he sings for a moment to the couple in front of him. When it came the time Hongki had to kiss his bride, Jonghun turned his face away and closed his eyes. He let out a deep sigh as his heart cringed.

MC pleased them to congrats the couple. One by one said their wish and bless. Minhwan comes after Seunghyun. He cries as if Hongki is real getting married.

“Yaaa, why did you cry? Babo...” He ruffled Minhwan’s hair. “It’s just show” He whispered.

“I know that Hyung, but still these silly tears is coming out,” He said in shame. “You’re so cute” Mina said in her Japanese tone made Minwhan face turns red.

“Thank You Minhwan” Hongki said and hugged him when the camera approaches him. Jonghun is the last person who give his bless. Jaejin didn’t miss how Jonghun expression changed once he steps closer to the platform. The cameraman focus to CNBLUE members Jung Yonghwa who fooling around with the firecrackers, he burned his hair tip and makes everyone laugh out loud.

“Should I give both of you my bless Hongki Hyung? The camera isn’t here anyway.” Jonghun gazed down at him. He called him hyung purposely to make Hongki frowned.

“Jonghunnie, How’s your hand?” Hongki asked. He sounded worried. Jonghun was surprised to hear that. He admitted that he missed when Hongki called his name. He missed the time Hongki talk to him.

“Why do you care now?” he said sarcastically. Hongki raked his fingers through his hair, he didn’t answer. “It’s fine” He said. The same lies as he said to everyone here who asked about it.

“Jonghun,” Hongki lowered his voice. “About what I’ve told you before...” He worded it carefully. Jonghun doesn’t want to hear anything about it. Those memories about he got rejected still clearly plays in his mind. It’s not just a simple thing which he can just throw away easily like that. It haunted him every single day.

“Don’t worry, I still remember.” He convinced him. Hongki shook his head desperately.

“That’s not what I mean...” Jonghun cut him off. “Congratulations and the best to you always” He read out the script. Noticed the cameraman turned to them. Jonghun grabbed Hongki’s hand with his health hand for a while, Make it looks like he congratulated him. He startled when Hongki pulled him in to his embrace. He stunned and couldn’t even move. “Can we talk tonight? 9 pm at dorm,” He whispered against his jaw before broke the hug. Jonghun can’t help stared at him blankly as he nodded. Hongki give him his usual smile.

He wondered what Hongki want to talking about. He sat on the couch. It almost midnight and Hongki hasn’t come yet. His phone turned off. Jonghun walked into his room. Lie down on bed and put his backhand on his eyes. How much longer will I have to endure this?

 He sat down, buried his head in his hand. Tears fell from his eyes as all the sweet memories he had been through played inside his mind. He reminisces about Hongki’s smile, voice and touch. He cannot pretend as if all those time he spent together with him was just some kind of meaningless memories even though Hongki is the one who make him suffering.

The hollowness inside threatened to swallow him up because now he’s nothing. He doesn’t have anything. He had no reason to live anymore. It’s over. All of his dreams, his future, and his promises had slipped out from his hand. The pain is everywhere, radiating through his body in waves that made ​​him unable to think clearly.

 He took out a bottle of painkiller that he purposely buried in a corner of his drawer. He unscrewed the cap and dumped them into his hand. He looks at the pills in his palm for a while as the voices in his head are getting to loud to ignore and keep repeated the same word ‘I want to stop the pain’.