With the pictures all downloaded almost an hour later, the four decided that was enough time in the room for then and took the computer with them to the living room. It only took a cable and a few minutes and they were set up with a slideshow on the TV and Kibum’s playlist on the shared computer playing.

Taemin had the middle seat on the couch, Jinki and Jonghyun on his sides and Minho on the ground between his legs. While none of them said why; he knew it was for supporting him. That was something he was thankful for.

There was no talking when the pictures started, but silence as they watched memories coming to life before them. Even though there were so many pictures, the cameras only went back to a little over two years before. And the pictures themselves were random—hotel rooms and gardens and places they went and skies and crowds at concerts. For the first camera, there was nothing at all with any of them in it. The next was the opposite; full of pictures of the others having fun fooling around and not even realizing they were models in the seconds. Taemin getting pushed into a fountain by Jonghyun and Minho, the four riding on bikes down a mountain—Kibum must have been a master biker to take that one—and in parks, playing around backstage. It was all there. Everything always stopped in March of that year though. Right before I got sick.

The next one picked up then though, with pictures of Taemin in the hospital and around the apartment—at least one per day. They smiled and gave broken laughs at some, simply looked at others. The maknae didn’t want to see the timeline of him becoming sick, but at the same time, he did. And while it was painful for all of them, he was the only one in tears at the end of the show. He wasn’t sobbing or even crying, just letting them fall as he saw changes that he hadn’t when they were happening.

It was hard.

They’d already been there for a while, but that didn’t matter when the next set started. They were all self-shots of Kibum or him with others, always smiling unless the point was to not be. That was the hardest to get through, they thought. Because he was so full of life from the first to the last.

That life was robbed from him.

None of them could do anything as Taemin stood and walked out, but as he started into the hall, he went the opposite way from his room. It didn’t take a genius to know where he was.

But it was still heartbreaking to find him an hour later, laying asleep on Kibum’s bed and holding the stuffed animal with tears still rolling down his cheeks.

“I’m going out with Amber-noona for a little while on Saturday.” Taemin gave the news without any room for arguing at breakfast the next morning, still looking like he had cried a whole night.

He probably had.

“Okay then.” It might have been that they trusted Amber more than anyone beside themselves, but there was no objection to Taemin’s statement. And that let them continue breakfast as normal as it would be for them from then on. It was one of the only times things were normal.

As they washed up the dishes after, though, Jonghyun brought up a point none of them had thought of. “Should we start watching the videos today?”

Taemin froze, the dish he was washing still in his hands and the water running. Three gazes him, two agreeing with the third. He was the last answer. The dish was laid down in the bottom of the sink, the water shut off, and his hands dried before he answered. “We should, shouldn’t we? He would have wanted us to by now…”

“We can watch his last, if you want Minnie. Since each of us filmed every day, we can watch his for the first day last.” And that little information was what Taemin needed to nod and not regret it.

As if they were watching a movie, they were gathered in the living room in the same formation as the day before with a bowl of popcorn on Taemin’s lap for everyone. He was the only one that didn’t touch it at all during the videos. The maknae’s went first against his will and they all watched him be awkward for the camera. “‘Speaking of which… that’s why I’m up at this godforsaken hour of the morning. I woke up in the middle of the night and went to use the bathroom and I just started coughing and it felt like my heart was going to burst and my chest was so tight…’” Taemin could feel the stares on him, but he tried his best to ignore the three and focus on the video even though he didn’t want to. It was better than being questioned by them. “‘I don’t want the hyungs to know about that, but I guess they will when they see this. So I’m sorry I’m hiding things from you, but you already have so much to worry about promoting without me and I know you all are already really worried for me, so there’s no need to not have more.’” The video was paused by someone and Taemin finally looked away to the three staring at him. “What?”

“That’s really how you felt?”

“I don’t know, that was months ago. Probably. A lot has changed since then though.” Before anyone could say anything else, Taemin reached over for the remote from Jonghyun’s hands and let the video continue, ending the conversation completely.

Only a few lines later though, Taemin stood and walked out, trying his best to not cry. The videos were going to have to wait for another day. “‘Kibum-hyung, I know you wanted me to do this so you will have something to look at if I die and remember me by, but I’m not planning on dying.’”

Taemin made sure to bundle up in layers of clothes and jackets and wear his mask and a hat like Kibum always had him do before Amber picked him up the next morning. He still sat in the wheelchair, a blanket over him, but had a bag with all he needed when they left early in the morning.

And he couldn’t help but notice she had lost what looked like a lot of weight since he had last seen her. Otherwise, she had a small smile and greeted him normally. Yet, if he looked into her eyes, Taemin was sure he could see tears Amber was trying her best to hold back. He didn’t mention it then, but as soon as they were in her car alone, he made sure to. “Are you okay, noona? Really okay?”

“Yeah.” The way she breathed out the word wasn’t convincing, but she started the car and started to pull away before anything else could be said.

“Really?”

“It’s just hard, even still.” A few tears spilled over onto her cheeks, but she blinked her eyes quickly to stop more from coming. “We all miss him and you’ve been in the hospital for so long and things are just different. But I’ll be okay. I should be asking you, not the other way around.”

And now it was Taemin’s turn to be silent for a few seconds as he watched the city pass by outside the window. “It’s definitely different. And it’s hard. But I’m getting used to it, slowly.” He gave a little nod and placed a frail hand on top of his chest, the many layers of clothes between. “I just miss him a lot sometimes.”

“It’s okay to miss him.” Amber gave a sad smile at him before focusing on the road once again. It seemed everyone was more careful after what happened. “That just means he was special, but everyone knew that. We just have to move on in our own ways.” They pulled to a stop outside a store and she looked at Taemin and then to the back. “Do you want your wheelchair for this?”

“I got it.” He let her help him out of the car and allowed himself to be kept close, but walked on his own into the shop, still holding the bag. The man behind the desk was already waiting for them and as he unloaded all he was carrying, everyone else was surprised at the sheer amount. But it was what he had to do.

It was hours later that Taemin and Amber returned back to the dorm, and his chair was pushed in with a large box on his lap. He struggled to get it into the bedroom that only he entered with Amber’s help before meeting up with the other members in the kitchen. Not a word was spoken about where they went and what they did, because the three knew a peep wasn’t coming from either if it wasn’t meant to. And it definitely wasn’t.

What Taemin and Amber did that day would remain a secret only they and the people involved would know until the day it was revealed. And it was best kept that way.