March 19, 2011

The sound of graphite being roughly scribbled onto paper seemed to echo in the confines of Jongin’s room, within Jongin’s mind. He doesn’t mind the sound at all, in fact, he finds it comfortable. He looks up from his laptop to see his best friend, Kyungsoo, write in that little leather-bound black notebook of his that’s basically like another limb; he keeps it with him always. Kyungsoo had gotten the journal just before their first year in high school. Sometimes, when he thinks the other’s not paying attention, Jongin attempts to sneak up on Kyungsoo and look over his shoulder to see what the latter wrote down but to no avail. Kyungsoo seemed to have this sixth sense, as he would call it.

“What are you writing, Soo?” Jongin would ask.

“Words,” Kyungsoo would answer and it would end like that, with the younger pouting and the older chuckling.

Jongin didn't know what Kyungsoo kept hidden in that book but he always assumed they were just song lyrics, because he knew of the latter’s passion for singing. But something deep within his mind told him otherwise.

One time, Kyungsoo had gone to the bathroom, leaving his notebook unattended within the other’s room. Jongin knew how much his best friend valued privacy but friends tell each other everything, right?

So disregarding the doubts and uncertainty in that head of his, Jongin grabbed that little book when he heard the bathroom door down the hall snap close, locking with a distinguishable click.

First, he just held the book in his hands. He held the dainty, light-weighted thing in his right hand first, and then transferred it over to his left. He ran the pads of his fingers delicately on the worn out leather that started to fade to a brown hue. There was a brown string that wrapped around the book, and slowly, Jongin started to unwound the string that was between him and the inner thoughts of Do Kyungsoo.

Once unwounded, he gently opened the cover to the first page of the book, which was slightly wrinkled but blank, except for a few dark spots that faintly resembled stains. He wondered what had caused those stains briefly. He was about to turn the dog-eared page to the next when he was pushed backwards onto the covers of his bed, and the book being roughly wrenched from his calloused hands. He looked up at Kyungsoo in astonishment, who only gave him an undistinguishable mask for an expression. His eyes seemed dead for those few seconds and his chest seemed to rise at an unhealthy rate. It took Jongin a few moments to realize that the pants he was hearing not only belonged to him to but Kyungsoo as well.

“Soo…”

“Did you finish question 9 of the packet while I was away?”

Kyungsoo pretended like that little moment never happened, like Jongin had never even touched the others journal.

Jongin felt both relieved and hurt at the others nonchalant behavior. He was relieved that his best friend was angry at him, but he had to admit that Kyungsoo was a saint and he wouldn’t be mad even if Jongin killed his cat. But he was also hurt by Kyungsoo.

What are you hiding from me, hyung?

Jongin slowly let a small, fake grin appear on his face as he attempted to give the other what would be a sheepish, innocent expression.

“It was a bit hard… I tried but after the first word, it all became a completely different language to me.”

“It is a different language, idiot. It’s English for a reason. How I put up with you for years, I’ll never know,” Kyungsoo jokingly said.  He sat himself down next to Jongin, but winced.

“What’s wrong?” Jongin asked, worried.

“Back ache, it’s been hurting for a few days actually. My shoulders sort of hurt too.”

“Want me to give you a massage?” Jongin asked, half jokingly, half serious.

Kyungsoo let out a laugh.

Jongin didn’t fail to notice how Kyungsoo’s laugh seemed a tad strained.

---

Jongin doesn’t remember when he started to see his best friend in a new light. He doesn’t remember when he started to find Kyungsoo attractive. He doesn’t remember when he started to enjoy the other’s hugs and he certainly doesn’t remember when he started to wonder how the other’s lips would feel against his own.

All Jongin knows is that some time along the way, he fell for Kyungsoo, his best friend. Some time, during those long years of friendship, his like for the other became something more than just liking. For some odd reason, Jongin didn’t feel strange at all at the revelation of him being gay. Maybe he wasn’t actually gay. Maybe it was just Kyungsoo. He wasn’t attracted to men in the slightest but for some reason, it was all about Kyungsoo.

The few things Jongin remembered though, throughout the years of their friendship, is the amount of times he cried himself to sleep, and the amount of times Kyungsoo would unknowingly break his heart.

It was always heart-clenching hearing, especially when you were the gay best friend in love with the other, who was undoubtedly straight.

“Jongin, didn’t HyeMi look gorgeous today? She dyed her hair blond and it looks really nice on her.”

“Jongin, SungHee and I are singing a duet together for the Chorus concert in December! We’re the only juniors who got a solo in the concert!”

“Jongin, JinRi confessed me today and honestly, her blush was the cutest thing ever. You’re now looking at a taken Soo.”

And after each conversation with Kyungsoo (which normally took place at one or the other’s house) Jongin would cry himself to sleep, waking up the next day with red swollen eyes. His excuse was that he stayed up late the night prior practicing and perfecting a dance he had choreographed. Kyungsoo never questioned his answers. Jongin was glad that he wasn’t easily flustered, and that he rarely blushed. He could come up with a lie in a second flat and have others believe him without a doubt.

Their friendship consisted of skinship so Jongin learned to never take the other’s action to seriously.

Jongin came to accept his unrequited love for the other, and he played the ever-supportive role of Kyungsoo’s best friend. He played wingman often.

It’s impossible to count how many fake smiles Jongin had done in his life.

---

February 2, 2014

Jongin was a bitter type of person. Not personality wise, but rather, preference wise. He believed that if he had bitter taste buds, Kyungsoo had sweet taste buds. They were basically opposite.  He had always favoured dark chocolate while Kyungsoo adored milk chocolate. Jongin liked his coffee black where Kyungsoo wouldn’t even get coffee; he’d get hot chocolate with extra whip cream, topped with a cherry. Jongin would always restrain himself whilst Kyungsoo drank his hot chocolate. It was so tempting just to kiss the whip cream off of Kyungsoo’s upper lip but his restraint was impeccable.

Jongin was waiting at the coffee shop that he and Kyungsoo would habitually hang out at, Bitter Sweet. The name described their relationship perfectly. The quaint little place had an occupancy of 20 people and had comfortable leather couches placed conveniently around the shop. It was a basic Mama/Papa shop.

It was 3:30 pm. They were supposed to meet 15 minutes prior. The last time that two had met up had been a week beforehand because they were both busy with their second year of university life, going to different universities and all, but they still kept in contact via text.

Jongin started to become worried. It wasn’t like Kyungsoo to be late, that was Jongin’s job. Jongin called his friends phone multiple times but it went straight to voicemail, baffling the boy even more. He sent texts after texts, the messages consisting of “Hyung, where are you?”, “I’m already here”, “Why are you late?”, “Are you okay?” and more.

10 more minutes passed and bells chimed as the door to Bitter Sweet opened. Jongin looked up from his seat on a white couch, to see his best friend enter. Jongin got up to greet his Kyungsoo at the door. He grinned but his grin started to fade as he approached his friend who was leaning slightly on the door frame. It disappeared completely once he got a good look at Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo’s skin was paler than its usual fair tone. His pouty lips were chapped, also being redder than their usual cherry hue. He had dark circles under his eyes, making him appear quite haggard. He also seemed to be sweating profusely, and it wasn’t even hot outside. In fact, it was cold, being in the middle in February. All in all, he looked sickly.

Jongin’s eyebrows furrowed in concern over his best friend. “Are you okay?” He reached out to touch the other’s forehead, but his hand was slapped away by Kyungsoo’s gloved one.

“I’m fine. I was just a bit busy beforehand.” Kyungsoo gave a small, tired smile. Jongin narrowed his eyes at Kyungsoo and opened his mouth to voice his concerns when Kyungsoo abruptly turned away and walked to the counter to order something from the young male barista. Jongin watched him closely and noticed how his posture was no longer straight, slouching forward slightly and clenching his eyes as if he was in pain. Jongin returned to the couch from before and proceeded to wait for Kyungsoo.  He had his usual Hot Chocolate in his hands and sat down across from Jongin, avoiding his eyes.

“Hyung, are you sick?” Jongin grabbed Kyungsoo’s chin, forcing the other to meet his unwavering gaze.

Kyungsoo looked at the other for a minute, and proceeded to slump against his own will. He sighed. “College has been stressful. I’ve been up studying for hours every night and yesterday, I fainted due to exhaustion and malnutrition. I haven’t been eating much lately. This morning, I overslept because I had a fever but I was still determined to come here.” Kyungsoo stared at the cup of hot chocolate in his hand, waiting for Jongin’s reply.

“You idiot. It doesn’t matter if we were supposed to meet up, put your health first. You’re more important than our meet-ups. I don’t want you to faint again.” Jongin let out a sigh. He leaned forward to lay his forehead against Kyungsoo’s warm ones. They made eye-contact.

“I don’t know what would happened if I lost you,” Jongin whispered, his heart already cracking at the mere thought. Kyungsoo’s eyes had a certain glint to them, something that surprised the younger greatly.

It seemed to be a glint of pain and regret, but of also longing.

---

Jongin and Kyungsoo didn’t see each other for the longest time after that one coffee hang-out. Jongin thought it was perhaps due to the others hectic schedule, being a student and a part-time worker was quite hassling. The two also didn’t talk each other through out that time. There were no texts, no phone calls, no late-night Skype chats. Jongin felt awfully lonely.

He would always hang out with his friend from University, a fellow named Byun Baekhyun but he wasn’t enough to fill that small gap of loneliness.

It was two months since they had last contacted each other when Jongin received a phone call in the middle of a Saturday night.

“Hello?” He groggily greeted, rubbing his eyes as his phone had awakened his from a dreamless slumber. The caller ID was “Momma Do.”

“Jongin, you need to come to the hospital, please.”

---

April 5, 2014

Jongin opened the white double doors of the hospital with a loud slam. He looked at the waiting area of the hospital on the first floor and saw Kyungsoo’s mother sitting on one of the chairs, head in her hands, sobbing violently. He ran to her, not even caring about being in his pajamas. He embraced her in his arms, trying to console the older woman.

“Jongin, Jongin… Oh god, I don’t know what to do!” She wailed loudly within his arms.

“What happened?” Jongin asked quickly, scared of the answer.

“It’s Kyungsoo.” His blood ran cold and his face paled considerably. He lost his breath as well and went still. He felt his chest tighten painfully and air was being restricted from his lungs.

“W-what?” he croaked. He couldn’t even look at the woman in the eyes. He jumped out of the chair and ran to the receptionist, leaving a sobbing woman.

“Do Kyungsoo. What room?” He asked surly. The woman looked at him with wide eyes, and then typed the name in the hospitable database.

“5^th floor, room 543,” she answered and without a second spared, he ran to the elevator, practically punching the up button over and over again.

He arrived on the 5^th floor and the first thing he saw made him drop to his knees.

“5^th floor, Cancer Treatment.”

“No…” he whispered to himself and he slowly got up. He finally reached room 543. He his lips nervously and shakily reached for the door knob.

He opened it only to see a man in a white hospital gown, staring blankly at the wall. He broke down right then and there.

This wasn’t Kyungsoo. This stranger was all skin and bones, too pale, hair thinned to an extremity. This wasn’t, couldn’t, be his best friend. The man turned to look at him and Jongin gasped to see that those widened eyes that could only belong to Kyungsoo widen even more, despite their sunken state.

“…Jongin…?” a frail voice softly whispered.

“K-Kyung…soo…” he replied barely audibly.  He stumbled to the side of his bed, blindly grasping at the older’s hands. Kyungsoo stared at him blankly and lifted on the hands to wipe at Jongin’s face.

Crying, I’m crying. Jongin started to laugh at his own stupidity.

“How long?” Jongin murmured.

“How long what?” Kyungsoo replied quietly, looking back at the wall.

“How long have you been sick?!” Jongin all but screamed at the other.

“…For a while.”

Jongin closed his eyes and started to breathe deeply, telling himself to cease his tears and to not scream at his sick best friend.

“I’ve been sick for a while, Jongin… After we last met, I fainted while visiting my mom… and she took me to the hospital. Two months ago, I was diagnosed with Lung adenocarcinoma… It’s a form of lung cancer. It’s funny, you know. I did nothing wrong in my life. I graduated high school with honors, never did drugs, never broke the law, earned money enough to live comfortably, and I have lung cancer. I’ve never even smoked a cigarette in my ing life!” Kyungsoo’s body started to wrack with silent sobs. He bit his lips harshly to contain his cries, to the point of bleeding.

“What stage, Kyungsoo?”

“I’m in stage 4.”

“Out of how many stages?”

“…4.”

“Soo, why didn’t you tell me?” Broken whispers to a broken person, from a broken person.

“I was scared Jongin. I also thought I was going to get better when I came, that I’d return all good and dandy and that you didn’t need to know. It’s obvious I was in over my head.” The optimistic Kyungsoo had been replaced with a man who knew nothing of hopes and dreams, who didn’t look towards the future and instead found regret in his past.

“When I was diagnosed, they decided to have me here for treatment. I went through chemotherapy for 3 days, then went a few days with rest. Then I did it again, and the cycle continued. They said I was getting better, that the tumor was getting smaller. But they lied to me, Jongin. It didn’t work. I don’t want to die!” Kyungsoo had finally let out his cries and he sobbed into Jongin’s shoulder, who had climbed into the small hospital bed to embrace his best friend. They let out their cries together, full of anguish and despair.

“I can’t lose you,” Jongin choked out; he vaguely remembered he had said that once before in the past. Kyungsoo started to breathe heavily due to his need to take in air from the harsh crying. But soon enough, he finally fell asleep due to exhaustion. Jongin quietly cried as he caressed the older’s thin cheeks, remembering when he used to poke them.

“I can’t lose you,” Jongin repeated. He delicately kissed the others dry lips and parted after a few seconds, breathing shallowly. He continued to cry silently until he too fell asleep.

None of the staff had the heart to part the two boys.

---

Jongin visited every day for the next few weeks. He never asked Kyungsoo about this cancer. He never asked whether he was okay or not. He liked to pretend that Kyungsoo had only a mere fever, and that he would be fine in no time. He wouldn’t accept reality.

“You’ll never guess who I saw yesterday when I went to get you some hot chocolate. I saw JinRi. Remember her, the girl you dated throughout high school and the first year of college? I remember you two were always together. You really loved her, didn’t you?” Jongin whispered, mainly to himself. Kyungsoo gave him a look that he couldn’t decipher at all.

“Well, she asked about you. I told her that you were doing fine, but that you were currently in the hospital. I gave you her phone number, hope you don’t mind—“

“Jongin.”

“—She said that she’d come to visit you soon, isn’t that great, Soo? She really wants to get back in touch—“

“Jongin.”

“—with you. She really misses you too. It’s so obvious that she still loves, I mean, why wouldn’t she? You two were basically the greatest couple ever. No matter what happened in the past, I completely support you two—“

“JONGIN, I LOVE YOU!” Jongin stopped mid-sentence. His breath was taken away but his mind refused to cooperate with his heart, which was beating at 30 miles per hour. He laughed nervously.

“I’m not kidding, Soo, she still loves you—“

“And I love you.” Kyungsoo gave him a look for of completely certainty. His gaze was strong despite his weak state.

Then Jongin started to cry.

“Jongin?! Jongin! What’s wrong? What did I say?!” Kyungsoo started to weakly fret over the other who was sobbing harshly in the uncomfortable hospitable chair next to his equally uncomfortable bed.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this!” Jongin wailed and wailed. Kyungsoo appreciated the sound proof room his mother paid extra for him to be in.

“I wasn’t supposed to be in love with you! I was never supposed to! You were never supposed to be here! We were supposed to grow old together, stay as best friends, name our children after each other and have our graves next to each other, saying we did at the age of 80! YOU WEREN’T MEANT TO DIE NOW AND YOU WEREN’T MEANT TO FINALLY SAY YOU LOVED ME BACK!” Jongin continued to cry clamorously. Kyungsoo was shell-shocked.

And then he too started to cry.

The younger clambered onto the bed and gave a rough kiss to the other, momentarily forgetting the Kyungsoo’s condition.

They shared a chaste kiss, their first kiss, at 4:27 pm on May 3, 2014. Along with their kiss, they shared quiet confessions of their love, consisting of 3 simple words to one another, “I love you.”

At 8:41 pm, on May 15, 2014, Do Kyungsoo went to sleep, to never wake up again.

---

It had been a week since Kyungsoo’s burial, and a week since Jongin’s heart stopped beating. He became unaware of his surroundings, and unresponsive to others. He no longer cried, for he ran out of tears. He no longer screamed, for he had lost his voice.

It had been Kyungsoo’s last wish to give his most precious item to Jongin. His mother’s eyes were still red and swollen when she knocked on the door of Jongin’s apartment. She was surprised that he even got up to open the door.

“For you,” she choked out, basically throwing a messily wrapped item to Jongin, and walked away before bursting into tears.

Jongin just slammed the door and looked at the thing that laid on the ground. He slowly bent down to pick it up, and started to peel away the wrapping. To his surprise, he found a familiar old leather journal. He went to his room and sat down on his bed.

He unwound the string and opened up the book to see a familiar blank page with stains. He turned the page only to see a simple sentence.

Why do I keep thinking about you? – June 4, 2008

Jongin noted that this was the summer right before their freshman year of high school.  He then saw another message a few lines below.

You’re amazing at dancing. Keep doing what you love. –August 25, 2008

Jongin read more and more of these little messages within the journal, all related to himself. He barely noticed the little drops of tears that splayed on each page as he read through and through. Each page had multiple entries spanning between multiple days. So many of Kyungsoo's inner thoughts.

One message struck him though.

Why don’t you fight for me?—April 13, 2009

He remembers that day well. That was the day that Kyungsoo told Jongin about JinRi, and how he was dating her. He read the next line directly below it.

I give you all these chances to fight for me, to make me yours, yet you pass me off to some girl. Fight for me; please tell me I’m not the only one hopelessly in love.

Jongin started to chuckle and it soon turned into a hysterical laughter. The laughter soon transitioned into sobs.

Oh god, I’m so stupid. So, so, so stupid.

Jongin skimmed through and went to the last entry, attempting to read the numerous amounts of messily scrawled words through his tears. As he read, his crying became even more uncontrollable until he finally broke down. Somewhere though, in his heart, he finally felt relief. For the first time in weeks, the rain had ceased and the sun came shining through tinted windows.

Jongin fell asleep, clutching Kyungsoo’s most valuable possession tightly. He held it to his chest, and placed on his sleeping face, a small smile.

---

Jongin, you’re reading this right now and you’re probably crying. I know you. And I know this is probably cliché but let me tell you a story.

There was a young boy named DO who immediately became friends with another young boy, Kai, on the first day on Kindergarten. They instantly became attached at the hip. As years passed, they shared classes with each other and their friendship blossomed. But deep within the petals of their friendship, was a small seed and sometime along the way, the seed started to grow and grow. That seed was the love DO had for Kai. It grew and grew but it seemed like the seed would never blossom into a beautiful flower. DO was hopelessly in love with his best friend, which already was hard enough. What made it even harder though was that the best friend was male, but DO didn’t mind in the slightest. Love is love.

He tried every chance to see if the other loved him in the way that he loved Kai. He would talk about girls and would hope for some type of reaction but all he got were smiles and words of encouragement, “Go for her hyung!” That hurt DO greatly. Soon, he gave up and settled for being best friends, and best friends only.

DO had been having back pains for a while. His shoulders ached as well and sometimes his chest felt tight. He felt fatigued often, but he thought this was all due to the stress of college life and brushed it off easily without consulting his doctor. If only he did so earlier.

Back aches became breathing problems. Dizzy spells became bloody coughs. Then a few days after having coffee with the best friend he was still hopelessly in love with, he fainted. He went to the hospital and was announced to have a type of cancer that the doctors proclaimed could still be treated. DO was relieved that he would live. He couldn’t leave Kai in this world by himself.  Who would take care of him? But the chemotherapy wasn’t working for a reason even the doctors couldn’t fathom and soon, DO lost all hope. He could only wish he would pass quietly, and that Kai would never have to know the pain he went through.

But DO had a surprising visitor one day. On that day, Kai found out that he was dying. But on that day, DO found out that Kai had loved him. How?

DO felt lips touch his own, while he was supposedly sleeping. 

But DO was scared to admit his own feelings to Kai, even though he knew that the feeling was mutual. He didn’t have much time left, and he didn’t want to love Kai with all his heart, only to leave him in the end.

But at the thought of Kai once again giving him to another person, he snapped. He told Kai that he loved him when the latter brought up his old girlfriend. And they shared their first kiss on that damned hospitable bed that couldn’t even be considered a bed. It was much too stiff.

That’s the love story of Kai and DO.

This is also the love story of you, Kim Jongin and I, Do Kyungsoo.

Their fairy tale had yet to end but they both knew it was coming soon, and they both knew that the approaching end was inevitable. It ends with DO, Kyungsoo, passing away and entering a place where he’d wait. He’d wait for his love to join him eventually.

I love you Kim Jongin. I only have one regret, which is not telling you sooner. We could have had so much more time.

I’m probably gone by the time you read this, but I want only one thing. I want you to be happy. Never forget about me. Remember me, but be happy. Don’t lose your beautiful smile, don’t lose that amazing laugh. Follow your dreams; continue on in being a dancer, because that’s what you’ve always wanted to be, right?

I want you to live a long life, die when you’re old. You better not meet me here next year. Don’t worry, Jongin.

I’ll stay in Heaven, waiting.

It's all over! Oh, just to clear this up, the cancer that Kyungsoo had is one that most Asians tend to get. It's also one that most non-smokers get as well.