I had one perfect family. Mom loves me, as well as Dad. Though the uncountable times of my brother and I fighting, we love each other. But just one thing broke all my trust in them.

They said life was easy.

Why? None of my parents experienced heart breaks. Mom never paid attention to boys. Well not until she marries Dad. Dad was her first boyfriend, first love, first everything. Like Mom, Dad too. Mom was his first girlfriend, first love, first everything. They were both loved at school, loved at everywhere they go.

Brother? Although he was so annoying he actually got friends in school. Not literally friends, but they at least acknowledged his presence and would sometimes get him involved in class activities. He didn’t enter the world of love, and he was never planning to; well that was what he told me. He’s just like Mom, probably he’s like Dad too, love is second, after studies.

And I, was so dumb. Now that I realized it, everyone was right. I was too young for love.

That boy, he was fat. Ugly. Tan skin. Man, his physical appearance is not even close to my ideal boy. We were just team mates in a camp. Just team mates. I’m an introvert. And I barely could get along with the girls in my team, and I don’t even know how the boys got along with me.

But the fact that out of all four boys there, he was the closest.

He used to care so much, he was close to a brother for me. He would even let me use his jacket during night activities when he knew I left mine in the tent. He would let me eat his food although he was starving. He cared so much, so so much.

I was so plain though.

I thought they were stupid, saying that love isn’t for my age. I didn’t even understand what love is back then. He just simply start texting me after the camp and..... that was where it all started.

He would usually help me with all my homeworks since he’s going to an international school too, like me. Well though it isn’t the same school but at least, same curriculum. Singapore’s curriculum. He’s two years older than me, so automatically he understands my work. He would go and give me an unending lecture when he found me awake by twelve. Saying that I’m too young, sleeping late is not healthy, bla bla bla. I couldn’t care less about that.

To be honest though, I miss all of it.

I could ask nobody now for helping me in homeworks, not even problems. No matter how annoying the scoldings were, I miss it. I miss the care he used to give me. And it was all because me myself, me, myself, and I. My fault.

“Who’s the crush you’ve been tweeting about?”

The question that actually brought our friendship to an end.

I was joking around with him. No, scratch that. I thought he liked me; I’m telling you, I was so stupid. I was actually tweeting nonsense but an idea popped out in my mind; making him confess to me. I know, it was so stupid. In fact, why would he like someone like me? But that time I didn’t think far, so I just keep giving him clues about him himself since he forced me to tell him.

Until I came to an end,

“Fine, it’s Louis. But remember that you aren’t the only Louis in this world.”

“Who is him then? Tell me. I’m your best friend so I should know.”

I ignored his text for like around 30 minutes before replying again,

“You know him very well.”

“From the clues you gave me it sounds like me, but you told me he isn’t me.”

He knew it, I thought. For a moment that day I thought he had found out that I’ve been trying to confess to him.

“You knew it. It actually is you.”

There wasn’t any reply. Not even until now. He hated me since then, he ignored me during the camp this year and he called me a . Sometimes I seriously feel like slapping him in the face for calling me a .

But then, on second thoughts, he’s right. I am a .

I cut. Nobody knows about it; nobody even asked what about the scars on my arm though they saw it. It is indeed fun,  and addicting. In fact, cutting may not be the solution but it helps calming me down.

She cut because she tried to kill the monster inside her. The one crushing her heart apart. She thought hurting herself physically by cutting can help equalize the pain she feels emotionally and mentally. People call her a nerd, freak, and many more. She get bullies at school, scoldings at home; hated by people wherever she goes..

2013.08.20

Rest in Peace, Lila.