Fanservice. I guess there’s not an exact definition, but the best way to explain it is… well… it’s…something we do to please the fans. In our case, it usually involves some kind of skinship. You know, hugging, holding hands, generally being affectionate with other members. The fans love it, especially the girls. If one of us interacts with another member of the group, the crowd gets louder and all you hear is fangirl squeals and shouts of  “Oppa Saranghae!”  They love me, they love us. I love hearing them scream, I love hearing them scream my name, it’s what makes me thrive, and if all it takes is for me to interact with another guy in a not-so-brotherly-way, then I’m all for it, especially if it’s with him.

I look over and I spot Key waving and smiling into the crowd. He’s holding the award we just won for best music video of the week, voted for by our fans. I walk over and stand beside him. He smiles at me and I can’t help myself, I grab him by the waist and pull him towards me, tucking him into my side. He tenses slightly, but I grip him tighter and he relaxes. As expected, the fans cheer slightly louder than they were before. Huh, if they think that’s something…

Onew barely gets two words of an acceptance speech out before the MC takes the mic and announces that it’s time for our performance. . The stage is cleared except for the five of us. I release Key and he moves into his position right before the music starts. We’re set to perform two songs tonight. The first one includes all five of us. We dance in sync, sing in harmony, and everything goes off without a hitch.

After our first performance, Minho, Taemin, and Onew leave the stage. Only Key and I stay behind. We’re performing a duet tonight. The first one we’ve ever done. The fangirls’ll love it, but I’ll admit that I’m nervous. The song we’re performing to is...a little bit y. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve performed a song like this before, with Taemin, but that was different. This time, for the first time in one of our performances, we’re going to kiss.

Of course there was a lot of debate on whether or not we should actually do it. Afterall, my performance with Taemin was subject to all kinds of backlash. There might have been a bit of half- hair pulling and chest touching, and I guess some fans just couldn’t handle it, so when our company suggested we go for it, I was skeptical. We’ve never gone that far before. In other groups, members kiss each other all the time. We’ve alluded and we’ve pretended, but never has there been a real lip to lip kiss. I’m worried that the fans will react harshly again yes, but I’m even more worried about myself.

For the past couple of years I’ve been nursing a crush on Key. I don’t know when it started, how it started, or even if he knows about it, but I long for him. I want to kiss him and touch him in the way a lover would, but I can’t. I don’t know how he’d react. Especially because of where we are. In South Korea that type of relationship is perfectly fine on stage because after all, its fake right? But off stage, it’s a completely different story. Show any signs of homouality and your career could be over. I definitely don’t want that.

I pull myself out of my thoughts and notice Key standing in front of me, his back to the audience. The intro music begins to play as he whispers, “Are you okay?”

I smile tentatively and nod, “I’m fine.”

He grins, and then instantly his face changes. He gives this smoldering look and his eyes are like fire, his performance mask is in place. I take note, get myself in character, and sing the first note. Just like before, we dance the moves and sing the lyrics and when the song nears the end, it’s time.

I grab Key’s hand and intertwine his fingers with mine. This is nothing new, we hold hands often enough, even when we’re not performing. It’s comfortable and reassuring. Which is exactly what I need right now. I look into Key’s eyes and they say “I’m here, let’s do this.” He slides his left hand down my chest, grabs my belt buckle, and pulls me towards him. We’re close now, barely any space between us. He releases my hand and drapes both arms around my neck.  I hook both of my arms around his waist.  Out of the corner of my eye, I can see on the big screen that the cameras have zoomed in on this moment. They’ve gotta see this. I feel his fingers slide into my hair and caress my scalp before he jerks my head forward and… stops. Of course we’d discussed this beforehand. It’s me who has to initiate the kiss. I get closer to his face and touch my forehead to his. He’s breathing heavily and biting down on his lip. I look into his eyes and they’re blazing just like they were at the beginning of our performance. He flares his nostrils and I feel mine flare in response.  Key’s eyes flutter closed. He’s waiting for me. I pull back, take in his face, and suddenly I don’t think I’m performing anymore.

I wish we weren’t in front of thousands of people and that we weren’t on stage performing, but most of all I wish this were real. My body is warm all over. I want to kiss him so badly. So I do.  I lean in and he opens his mouth just enough so that I can feel his hot breath trace my skin before I press my lips to his. Our lips meet and I swear I can feel a spark shoot through my body. His lips are warm and soft. The kiss is gentle yet firm at the same time, and I really want nothing more than to hold him closer, deepen the kiss, and somehow communicate every last feeling I have for him through this one simple touch, but far too soon the music stops. It’s over.  Key bites my lip briefly before pulling away. I open my eyes, but before I can even get a good look at him, the lights fade to black. The performance is over, we clear the stage, and for the first time ever, I don’t notice the fans screaming my name.

******

“Are you guys ready?”  Onew asks, peeping into the room.

“Almost,” Minho answers while slipping on a pair sneakers.

We follow Onew into the living room. Taemin and Key sit on the couch fully dressed and ready to go. Taemin’s attention is fully focused on some portable gaming system, which I’m sure is Minho’s because he lost his last week, and Key’s busy peering through a fashion magazine.  I take a seat on the arm of the couch closest to Key. He glances up and mumbles a quiet “Good morning,” before going back to his magazine.

“Morning. Did you sleep well?”

He nods.

“That’s good,” I respond.

Key smiles slightly, but adds nothing to the conversation. He’s been like that for a few days now. Ever since the kiss a few days ago he’s been acting a little off. He’s usually so energetic and talkative, but he’s barely said two words to me. I can’t stand it. Out of the other four members Key’s the one I’m closest to. I definitely have to talk to him and work out what’s going on but now’s not the time, so I settle for placing my hand on his shoulder instead. He may not exactly be talking to me, but at least I can get some comfort from a little contact.       

Minho calls out, “Manager hyung’s here guys!” and we all get up and leave the dorm. We walk through the building and outside. Key walks along silently while Onew and Taemin ahead, Taemin laughing at something Onew said.  

Before we all load into the van, Minho grabs my shoulder to get my attention. “Jonghyun, at the interview today, you know they’re going to ask you about that kiss with Key right? What are you going to say?” he asks as we take our seats in the van.          

“Nothing really. I’ll probably just tell them I enjoyed it and that Key’s an amazing kisser. I think I’m in love with him now,” I laugh while elbowing Key in the side. Everyone laughs and I look over at Key. He chuckles halfheartedly and then stares out of the window while fixing his bangs. I sigh and put my headphones in before closing my eyes and settling in for the ride.

******

After the interview and a scheduled photo shoot, we all return to our dorm for some much needed rest. Taemin, Minho, and Onew clamber into one of the rooms, turn on one of the gaming consoles, and start playing a soccer game. Key sleepily heads off to his room, but I grab his wrist before he manages to get there.        

“Come watch a movie with me?”

“I’m tired. I want to sleep.”        

“Pleeeease?” I ask him again, making sure to put on my best pouty face complete with puppy dog eyes.

Of course he doesn’t resist any longer and sighs, “Fine, but don’t expect me to stay awake for the whole thing.”       

We go into the living room and decide to watch a movie we’ve seen together many times before. I don’t particularly like romantic comedies, but Key loves them, and since I need to get him talking to me again, I figure I should be able to sit through two hours of sappy romance to make it happen.        

We settle into the couch. Not even ten minutes into the movie and Key lies down in my lap. An hour and a half later, and he’s asleep. I take my eyes off of the movie and notice that at some point in time, he shifted in his sleep and now he’s lying face up on his back. I stare down into his face and run my fingers through his hair. His eyes flutter and he lets out a small sigh.

It’s crazy really, how beautiful he is. I really think it should be a crime for a guy to be this gorgeous. After living with Key for five years I know he’s insecure about the way he looks, but I don’t know why. What I’m seeing right now is absolutely flawless.

I place my hand lightly on his cheek. I rub my thumb over his cheek, then his nose, then his mouth. His breath hitches and his breathing changes. He’s awake. I stare at him for several seconds, but he makes no move and he doesn’t open his eyes. I start to think that maybe he’s not actually awake, but I’m quickly proven wrong when I see his eyelids flutter and open slightly before closing shut again.

I look back at his lips and instantly I’m remembering that brief kiss we shared. I want to do it again, for real this time. Now would be the perfect opportunity. Since he’s feigning sleep I could easily kiss him and get away with it. He probably wouldn’t confront me about it because then he’d have to admit to pretending to be asleep. And if I asked him why he was pretending, I’m sure he wouldn’t want to talk about it, because then we’d have to talk about this kiss and he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to talk about the first one. He’d have no choice other than to pretend it didn’t happen.

I decide to take my chances. I lean in slowly and stop, I look at his face and he still doesn’t move, but he breathes a little deeper. I close my eyes and close a little more of the gap between us when I hear it.

“Jonghyun,” I open my eyes and see him looking at me. “What are you doing?”

I pull back and look away from him. He gets up from my lap and sits right beside me. “What were you just about to do?”

I look at him. For a moment I think about going for the obvious choice and outright lying to him, but I remember that I want to talk to him and now is as good a time as ever.      

“I was about to kiss you,” I tell him.

“Why would you do that?”

“Because I wanted to.”

“Do you have feelings for me or something?” he asks in a way that makes it sound like he’s joking.

I hesitate, but I nod in reply. He says nothing and stares forward, looking at the television. He’s watching the scene in the movie where the main character finally works up the nerve to tell his love interest that he madly in love with her. She confesses the same and they kiss passionately. Key puts his head in his hands and says, “You can’t.”

“What?”

He tells me, “You can’t do this to me.”

“Do what?”

“It’ll hurt too much.”

“I don’t understand.”

“It’s perfectly fine if you have feelings for me,” he slides his fingers through his hair and sits up. His eyes are red and I can see tracks from several tears running down his face. “It’s perfectly fine, but please don’t force them on me. If you ever kissed me again, I don’t think I’d be able to handle it.”

“I…I’m sorry. I guess I was only thinking about me. I was being selfish. Of course you don’t feel that way about me.”

“But you’re wrong,” he says. I raise an eyebrow at him. I know he sees the confusion on my face, so he goes on, “I’ve liked you for a long time now, but I decided to keep it to myself.”

“You have?” I ask, getting a little excited. “Then what are you saying. Why would it hurt? Why can’t I  kiss you?”

“Are you asking because you don’t know? If you kissed me again, what would happen then? What? Are we going to start dating or something?”

I smile. “I’d like that, yeah.”

“ Yah! What are you saying? You don’t possibly think that we could be together do you?”

“Why not?”

He looks at me with a completely with a look on his face that say “are you crazy?”. And then he literally says, “Are you crazy? You might as well stick a flower in your hair! We couldn’t possibly be together. Do you know where we are? What would everyone think? They’d hate us. You can’t be gay in Korea.”

“Of course you can. There are plenty of gay people here.”

“But they’re not in the public eye like we are. If we were to ever become anything more than friends and people found out about it, do you know what would happen?”  His voice becomes solemn and quieter.” We’d lose everything. Our careers, our friends, and probably even our families.” He shakes his head and stands up. “Like I said, it’ll hurt too much.” Key leaves the room and I don’t do anything, but stare after him.

******

A few days after, I walk into our dorm just after taking my morning jog. I grab a towel from the pantry and wipe the sweat off my face and neck before walking into the kitchen and grabbing a water bottle from the fridge.

“Are you going to say goodbye to Key?” Taemin asks me.

“What? Why?”

“He leaving. Said he can’t stay here after-”

I don’t stick around to hear the rest. I run to the back and into Key’s room. He’s standing there peering into his closet. His suitcase is lying open on his bed, his clothes and shoes already overflowing.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going home. I can’t stay here.”

“But you can’t. I don’t want you go.”

“It’s not about what you want. I told you I can’t stay here.”

“I know this is about the other day.” I walk further into the room and guide him over to his bed. I sit down and pull him down beside me. “You can stay here. You don’t have to leave. I promise you I won’t ever do anything. I’ll keep my feelings to myself and we can pretend none of this ever happened.”

“We can’t pretend it never happened. It did…and every time I see you, I just keep wondering why I didn’t let you kiss me a second time. I wanted you to, you know? “

I reach out and hold his hand. I intertwine our fingers and I feel him squeeze tightly.

“Then why didn’t you let me?”

“I’m scared. I’m not sure I can handle the consequences of what would have come with that kiss. The one on stage was fine. It was just for show, but a second kiss would have been real. I just couldn’t…”          

“Then you should have talked to me. Don’t leave. We’ll work it out,” I tell him, rubbing the back of his hand. “Stay here.”       

“I told you I can’t.”        

“You don’t have to run away Key.”         

“Who said anything about running away? I have to go, my mom needs me.”       

“What?” I ask.

“My aunt died. I’m going back home to help her out and comfort her. I’m not running away. I’m coming back.”

“Oh. I thought...” I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter.”

Key leans down and rests his head on my shoulder. We sit in comfortable silence for a while.

“I don’t know what I want,” he says quietly.

“You don’t have to know right now. Okay? You’re confused and so am I, but we’ll work through it together. Promise me something will you?”

“Hmmm?”

“Promise me that we’ll talk about this properly when you get back.”

“I’m not-“ he pauses. “Okay, I promise, but don’t expect much. I still don’t think it would be a good idea if we became anything more than friends.”

“Fine. I just want to get it all out in the open. Just a proper talk is all I’m asking for, not anything more.”

We sit for several more minutes in silence when I ask him, “Don’t you think you should finish packing?”

He lifts his head from my shoulder. “You’re right, I should, but I think I’ll stay right here for now, it can wait.”

Key puts his head back down on my shoulder. I put my arm around his waist and this time he relaxes instantly upon contact. He presses tightly into my side and I place my chin on top of his head. I don’t know how this whole thing will work out, but he’s absolutely right. It can wait.