Seoul, Korea. 2013

My Beloved, Lee Hongki

Hello there Hongki, how are you? Fine? Happy? The weather starts to cold again, don’t catch a cold.

Do you remember how many times passed? It’s exactly two years after the last time I saw you. It feels like forever, but I do will continue it forever. I guess I just have to bear with it.

You must really hate me now for mentioning that time again, I’m sorry. Ah, have I told you that I miss you? I miss you, hardly that it’s hard for me to breathe. I want to see you, really want to hear your voice.

I started to forget how it sounds. Yes, I forgot how your voice sounds when you pronounce my name. It's a good thing that you are a famous singer and we were on the same band, so that I could at least never forget the color of your voice. And hearing you sung one of my songs, my song for you, is really bliss. Even though hearing it live will feel a thousand better, but I can't be greedy. I listen to our music every night, hoping at least to lessen my longing over you, but no, I just missing you more than I already do.

I’m really a fool for forget your voice, but you know I’m always a fool.

Now I know what you tried to tell me. I don't know how to start it, but you know the most about how I can't pinpoint what I really feel.

Back then I was really happy. Very glad that I have you. Of course you don't know about it. You probably didn't feel it. Because I never tell you what I feel. I never tell you the 3 words you always want to hear. The words you always said to me. But, Hongki, I want you to know I'm really happy to hear it that I thought I'm the happiest person in the entire world.

Why I didn’t say it? Because I’m afraid, and I didn’t know. Yes, I didn’t know how to love you, to secure your heart. I even didn’t know how to hold you. I didn’t know what to do to return your lovely touch, your affection.

I’m just a fool and young who didn’t know how to treasure you.

It’s not that I don’t love you. I love you with my whole heart, my whole life. It never changed and never will.

But now I know. I know how to hold you. I know how to say those three words I want to say. I understand how to treasure you. Now that I know, you’re not here with me.

I don’t want to share these feeling with everyone else. It’s you and always be you. I regret it’s too late for me to understand, but I don’t regret sending you away. You deserve a better person than me.

Ki, are you smiling now? With Jaejin make you happy, right? I’ll pray every day that you’ll be happy my love, like how I was happy when we’re together.

Maybe you already forget about me now, its okay. For giving you such a terrible memories, and make you cries, even sorry cannot express how regret I am. But I hope a little, just a little part of you will remember me, and the memories we shared, the good one. Please carry it with you like I carry you in my whole heart.

One last thing I want you to know, my love, is being with you, every single day with you, is my precious memories. Even back then I didn’t understand love; it will stay with me forever.

Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. Next time we meet again, I’ll greet you with my biggest smile, just the way you like it.

I love you.

Sincerely yours,

Jonghunnie.

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I said it based on FT Island's song. It's 'Because I Didn't Know How to Love'