The choice should be easy: it’s between someone who has yet to breathe and the man she loves more than life itself. It should be easy when only one of them has a fully formed heart - with emotions and all.

  But it isn’t.

  There’s far more to it than what it’s supposed to be, and that’s how she finds herself blinking back tears as he walks past her. The goodbye isn’t said (and it never will be); she fools herself into believing that maybe he’ll come back.

  Because maybe he’ll turn around, give her a warm smile. Maybe one day they’ll be able to smile at their baby with adoration and love.

  Maybe.

***

(it doesn’t happen)

***

  A stone hits the side of his head hard. It bounces off and rolls on the ground, next to the feet of the (taller, stronger, better) boy. Sunggyu doesn’t look up, but he clenches his fingers into a small fist as he stares at the ground.

  “Look at me,” the voice commands.

  When he doesn’t respond, a rough hand pushes him backwards. Sunggyu stumbles a few steps before he catches himself. Still, he refuses to do so.

  “You’re so stubborn, seriously. How can your mother even stand you? After all that she had to give up, it’s you.”

  The words sting more than he wants it too. It burns a hole through his chest; it pierces knives through his heart, because it’s been on his mind for ages -

  “Fatherless Kim Sunggyu,” he taunts. “Kim Sunggyu whose father left. Your poor mother who has to live with a mistake -"

  Something in him snaps at the last word. He spins on the heel of his feet before stomping off angrily. He can take it most of the time. He’s used to the teasing and the bullying but this. This is too much for him to take.

  He knows he’s a mistake, but that doesn’t mean he has to acknowledge it.

***

(isn’t bliss ignorance after all?)

***

  Perfect, Sunggyu whispers, you’re perfect.

  Myungsoo has sparkling eyes and a pretty face which a permanent smile is painted on. Myungsoo, in Sunggyu’s eyes, is more than beautiful. He’s the splash of colours in Sunggyu’s life of black and white.

  If only, he thinks, if only people were more like dolls. Then the world would be perfect.

  “Wouldn’t it?” he asks Myungsoo. Myungsoo stays silent. Sunggyu laughs softly.

  He doesn’t see his mother at the door, a pitiful look on her face. He doesn’t see the way his mother shakes her head in disappointment. He doesn’t see how his mother raises a shaky hand to wipe away her tears of desperation.

  He focuses on Myungsoo instead, because Myungsoo is the only star worth looking at.

***

 The next time they meet, Sunggyu is holding on tightly to Myungsoo. Only Myungsoo is able to calm him down, and he needs to get his message across to the other boy - Woohyun - that he isn't going to play this game anymore. Sunggyu's going to go by his own rules - he's never going to bow down to Nam Woohyun ever again.

 "I want you to stop."

 His voice is loud and clear; internally, he thanks Myungsoo for being there with him. Because Woohyun's glare is harsh and full of disgust and Sunggyu has no idea how he's going to fight.

 "What?" he suddenly chokes out, disbelief colouring his voice. "You want me to stop? Am I hearing right? Is the "mistake" - "

 "I told you to stop!" Sunggyu shouts, the words shooting out of his mouth before he realizes it. His eyes widen slightly in fear, and then he grits his teeth and stands firmly at his spot. He refuses to be pushed around anymore; he isn't going to let Woohyun walk over him again. He's going to be strong.

 As he prepares himself to speak, a fist knocks him down onto the ground. Sunggyu clenches his eyes shut, his legs wave around and his fingers release their hold on his lucky charm. There's a soft clatter as Myungsoo rolls away. It's as though his breath is stolen, as though someone is strangling him. He can no longer feel the warmth that he relies on, and he panics.

 He hears a scoff, a noise of derision. And without looking, he knows that Woohyun has seen Myungsoo.

 "Are you actually serious? You do know that this is a girl's toy, right? What are you even doing with this?" Woohyun laughs. Slowly, Sunggyu's eyelids flutter open. Myungsoo stares back at him from Woohyun's hands.

 Somehow, he sees what's going to happen. A frantic desperation claws at his chest; he struggles to stand up. He lets out a cry of despair - Woohyun smirks at him before bending Myungsoo backwards - 

 And he breaks. Myungsoo becomes two halves. Sunggyu gapes in horror at the awful sight. Before he can pick up the pieces of his best friend though, Woohyun's foot comes down. A sickening crunch can be heard, and Sunggyu tears up at the sound.

 "You don't need to be any more terrible than you already are. Be more useful around here, how about that?" a sharp voice says.

 Myungsoo continues to smile.

***

(and as he gathers the remaining parts of his dolls, he swears for revenge: no one - not even Nam Woohyun - can stop him, for the fire burning in him is too hot for him to bear)

***

  "Doctor Kim - your files."

 Sunggyu glances up at the nurse and smiles gently. "Leave them on the table. I'll get to them later."

 The nurse hurriedly bows down, leaving almost immediately. Rubbing his eyes tiredly, he reached out to grab his papers. He enjoyed his job, he really did, but sometimes it becomes something he regrets. There are times when he asks himself why he's doing this. Then he remembers - 

 Be more useful around here, how about that?

 He swallows thickly and picks up his pen hurriedly, scanning through the document. It's stupid that he actually remembers each and every detail of his childhood- his terrible childhood. And even though it's been a long, long time, the scars still don't fade, and the burn is still there. He has proven Woohyun wrong. He's a well-known surgeon now, practically everyone knows his name. He's more than he needs to be.

 But it isn't enough. Myungsoo's smile lingers at the back of his mind; he can't let go of the past. The rope in his heart still tugs strongly. He has breathed for a total of eight years without his doll, and it's more than he can handle. He can no longer feel the sense of security in him anymore. All he knows is to push himself forward, and that it doesn't matter if he falls. It never matters. He pushes himself beyond his boundaries, but it's starting to hurt.

 There are scratches along his arm and a bruise found at the side of his cheek. Time doesn't heal them. No, but he knows what can. All he needs is to have Myungsoo back.

 As he flips through the papers absent mindedly, he spots a name too familiar for him to let go. The face on the profile is handsome, yet terribly disgusting at the same time. Sunggyu can't help but frown. Slowly, his eyes dart from the name to the picture, placing the puzzle pieces together.

 He stretches his arm out; the answer is at his fingertips - 

 Then he loses it. It swims out of his grasp and runs away.

***

 It hits him suddenly when he's on his way back home, and he wonders why he didn't realize it earlier. It becomes so very obvious the more he thinks about it. Everything is strikingly similar: from the color of his hair - a careful mix of brown and black - to the mesmerizing eyes.

 Nam Woohyun.

 How coincidental it is, he thinks to himself, that they'd meet again. To think that Sunggyu's wish might come true. And perhaps Woohyun...

 The name repeats itself in his mind. For some reason or another, he begins to hear another whispering to him.

 Kim Myungsoo.

  ***

 Nam Woohyun, male, age twenty. Lymph nodes. 

 And Sunggyu's just the right man for the job. 

 "So I will be okay?" the person opposite him says, looking relieved. The image somehow seems hilarious in Sunggyu's mind - his personal bully, the one that made his life a living hell, relying on him to save his life.

 "Yes, I'm very sure about this. Now Myungsoo - "

 "It's Woohyun, actually."

 There’s a pause. Sunggyu blinks slowly at the other, his brows furrowed in concentration. Myungsoo...Woohyun...Myungsoo?

 Woohyun.

 "I'm sorry," he smiles apologetically. "I'm not very good with names."

 Woohyun accepts the excuse and smiles, eyes twinkling. A sort of hatred pierces through Sunggyu's skin. He doesn't like how similar they are, and he hates how different they look. 

  He wants very badly to hit Woohyun with punches and kick him hard, but something stirs in him, something full of hope, desire and hatred.

***

  There are times when Sunggyu really wishes that he has the ability to disappear from the face of earth. It’s when he remembers that he has no one to lean on, and that he has no memories to comfort himself with. It starts with Myungsoo, but the story becomes Woohyun’s.

  Sunggyu just wants the ground to swallow him up because Myungsoo has already left him, and Woohyun is his new chapter.

***

  “Kim Sunggyu,” a voice calls out. He turns back and spots a face which he has dreamt of for nights. He cringes slightly before smiling back at the waving figure.

  “What a coincidence,” he laughs. “That we meet each other here.”

  I thought I’d be safe from your intense gaze a long, long time ago.

  Woohyun grins at him. He has one hand behind his back, and when he meets Sunggyu’s eyes, he turns slightly pink.

  “Well,” he says. “I wanted to thank you for helping me, so...”

He pulls out a bunch of brightly coloured flowers (Sunggyu thinks he might go blind from it) and hands it to the other.

  For twenty seconds, Sunggyu simply stares. He stares at the pretty flowers in his hands, and he wonders why everything is so odd all of a sudden. Woohyun, the boy - now a handsome man - who used to inject poisonous words into his blood, the boy who used to push his mother and him apart, is giving him flowers as a thank you.

  He mouths a surprised “what” in confusion.

  “Of course it helps that you’re cute too,” Woohyun laughs.

  Sunggyu turns red and chuckles awkwardly. Does it, really? He thinks. Nothing stopped you before.

  He grits his teeth together. Maybe it’s a joke that Woohyun’s playing on him, and if it is, then it’d be the last one.

  Because nothing - not even Nam Woohyun and his smile - can stop him from getting Myungsoo back. Absolutely nothing at all.

***

(and he learns from Woohyun that the flowers are Anemones, and they are supposed to represent anticipation – which, according to Woohyun, means that they should anticipate for the change that’s about to happen to their relationship. Sunggyu though, he think that it’s really all lies.)

***

  “Woohyun,” he says suddenly, interrupting the silence of the restaurant.

  Woohyun blinks at him, placing his glass down gently and asks, “Yeah?

  “How do you feel about me? About,” he gestures at the space between them. “us?”

  There is a hesitation, and Sunggyu wonders if he’s allowed to ask that. Perhaps it’s too early, perhaps it isn’t going to work, and -

  “I think that we might be getting there, you know? I mean, you are a really important someone in my life. I just really - let’s just say that when I gave you those flowers and told you that out relationship was going to change, I wasn’t kidding. I’d do anything for you.”

  Sunggyu stares into Woohyun’s eyes; he sees sincerity swimming in them.

  “Really? Anything?”

  “Anything.”

***

(there’s a part of him that begs him to reconsider, but he has gone too far, and his longing is tearing him apart. No one is perfect, but Myungsoo is - was - and Sunggyu is desperate.)

***

  So he ignores the voice at the back of his mind and goes on. He promises Woohyun that it’s okay, and that he’s going to be fine. He promises that it’s not going to change him. He intertwines his fingers with Woohyun’s, and leads him to light.

  The world (and Sunggyu) just needs someone as perfect as Myungsoo to breathe.

  It’s for the greater good, he tells himself, pressing the guilt down. He’s being useful, isn’t he?

***

  It’s on the headlines the week after.

  Missing Man: Nam Woohyun, it reads. Sunggyu flips to the next page and reads about the prayers made by his family, reads about the fear they feel - what if he has been kidnapped, or worse, killed? He scans through the article, and sees Woohyun’s face plastered at the side.

  The face has become unfamiliar; for some reason, he has mixed feelings about it. He’s supposed to be happy, but it’s… different.

  Putting the paper aside, he takes of his reading glasses and walks up the stairs. The door at the corner is open, and Sunggyu invites himself in. A sense of pride envelopes him as he looks at the sleeping figure in front of him.

  He has a smile (drawn) on his pretty face and a pair of sparkling blue eyes hidden under the closed eyelids. Or, in other words, he’s perfect.

  Nam Woohyun and Kim Myungsoo are one.

***

  It becomes a routine: on the days he’s not needed in the hospital, he’d stay in the basement, accompanied by his doll. Woohyun’s different, but that’s what makes him perfect. It’s a forever this time, Sunggyu just knows it. Woohyun can’t be taken away from him.

  “Woohyun,” he whispers. “Woohyun, who are you?”

  There’s a pause before he hears, “I’m Woohyun and I am yours.”

  Sunggyu’s lips turn up as he nods approvingly. It brings him a sort of pleasure to hear the words spill out of Woohyun’s mouth. He brings his hand up to the raven black hair lovingly.

  It’s all worth it, he thinks to himself, isn’t it’? I have him back with me now… what else is there for me?

  He leans forward slowly before pressing his lips against Woohyun’s gently. Woohyun’s eyelids flutter shut; Sunggyu realizes that he tastes of honey and rain. It’s almost bitter, yet at the same time sweet: it feels like thunder and lightning dancing together - beautiful and deadly at the same time.

  He pulls away, and then sighs.

  “Woohyun,” he mummers. “You’ll be here with me forever, won’t you? You aren’t going to leave my side, are you? The eight years that I had spent without you was so painful for me. I thought I was going to die and -

  “But it’s okay now. You will stay with me. I won’t let you go. And you know why?”

  Automatically, Woohyun replies, “Because I’m yours.”

  And because I’d do anything for you.

***

  The glass of flowers sits on his desk.

  In the dull office, it is his only source of encouragement. He remembers the shy smile that Woohyun had given him on that day and -

  No.

  That person, he scolds himself, that person isn’t Woohyun. Get yourself together, Kim Sunggyu. What’s wrong with you?

  Nam Woohyun is the doll with sparkling eyes and a pretty face which a permanent smile is painted on. Nam Woohyun is Kim Myungsoo. Nam Woohyun is perfection.

***

  “What is outside?” Woohyun wonders out loud.

  Surprised, Sunggyu blinks at the other thrice. “What? Why would you ask that?”

  “I was just wondering,” he mutters, tracing intricate patterns on the ground. “I’ve never been anywhere outside here before…”

  “But isn’t this enough?” Sunggyu asks urgently. He isn’t going to let Woohyun out; in the end, it’ll just result in trouble. He knows it. History can’t repeat itself. Woohyun is his.

  Silently, Woohyun nods in agreement.

***

(maybe, he thinks, maybe that’s why it happens, that’s why disaster strikes. Maybe that’s why his doll breaks again.)

***

  The hospital buzzes with activity; an air of lost hope hangs above them heavily. It’s all don’t you dare leave me and why you of all people. Nurses and doctors run about, and Sunggyu is not spared. He passes by weeping wives and crying children, rushing to help the next victim.

  Maybe, he thinks as he helps the bleeding man onto the bed, maybe the guy is crazy. No one with a right mind will do something like this.

  From what he has heard, it’s a shooting spree at the street, started by a man with dark hair and even darker eyes.

  “It’s okay,” he says softly, holding on to the hand of small child. “You’re going to be okay.”

  “Sunggyu,” someone says from behind him. “Go to the other side. I’ll deal with this one. There are a few there who have no chance at all; some are already gone. Find their families and if you think they can make it, then help them.”

  Immediately, he takes off.

  The smell of blood is strong, but Sunggyu is used to it. He bends down over each and every one of them, checking their breathing -

  Then he stops. He freezes over completely. His insides turn cold; his hands fall limply to his sides. Lying in the middle is a man with raven hair and glassy blue eyes that he can never forget.

  “Woohyun,” he chokes out.

  He all but runs towards his doll, towards the only good he has done to the world and falls to his knees. Woohyun’s breaths are shallow - almost gone. His lips move soundlessly as he stares at Sunggyu with muted fear.

  Sunggyu leans in closer to Woohyun, and faintly, he hears the words that the dying man is trying to say.

  “I’m here… don’t be so rash… I never wanted to leave you… it wasn’t my intention… Boohyun… I didn’t mean to make you lose control… I should have been there for you… I’m so sorry…”

  And finally, he doesn’t speak anymore, his last breath leaving him.

  And finally, Sunggyu learns what it means to lose hope, what it means to be left alone, and what it means to live.

***

(anemones, he learns later, also symbolizes parting and being abandoned - perhaps Woohyun has known it all along, and Sunggyu is the puppet after all.)

***

Note: If someone else had written it, it would be a lot better. It's so weird. Why must I write so... *sighs* Anyway, thank you Mylifekpop for subscribing and lockspicatic for voting it. I'm really sorry for this though. I should run away now, shouldn't I?