i.

Heechul intently watched the sun as the huge bright star set slowly with tears still blurring his vision. Every second that he spent eyeing the setting sun made his heart ache even more; how could this ing thing be beautiful when he was there wallowing in the most miserable state of his life.

He clutched his aching chest and flashbacks of what happened years ago played right before his tired eyes.

A leap back in time. . . A leap of faith. . .

Three years ago. . .

It was a hot summer evening; I could clearly see how stars glowed brightly in dark sky through the glass roof. The crickets were doing their business, making sounds that enhanced the ambiance of that night. The band started playing as my most favorite voice also started filling the whole place.

I saw him strode from dark stage with his eyes gleaming under the beautiful moonlight. I felt my heart beat rapidly. It was one the most beautiful yet saddest scene I’ve ever seen in my life.

“So this is how goodbye feels like?”

Tears started streaming down my cheeks; an invisible knife started stabbing my heart. It was painful.

I tried to smile but it didn’t help me keep my tears from falling.

A leap back in time. . . A leap of faith. . .

“Jungsu.” I called put his name yet he barely noticed me; he was too engrossed with the spotlight he was in.

A droplet of tear fell from eye. Yes, I was crying. I cried not because I was hurting but because I got tired of hurting. I got tired of waiting. I got tired of calling his name. I got tired of him, ignoring me. I got tired of chasing him around. I got tired of loving him.

I walked out of the place with tears freely falling from eyes. I let myself drown in my tears as I stared at the dimly lit streets. I let out a sob when I felt the warm summer wind prickled my cheeks that were soaked with my own tears.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

I reached for my phone in my pocket and dialed his number and surprisingly, he picked it up.

“Jungsu.” I uttered.

“Why? Make it faster, I’m busy.”

“I know. It’s been always like that.”

A short minute of silence passed between the two of us.

“Heechul.”

My pain faded a bit after hearing him say my name, but it was not enough to make me forget the reason why called him.

“Jungsu.” I let out a deep sigh. “We have to talk.”

“I can’t.”

I chuckled to keep myself from sobbing, covering up my voice that was a tiny bit too close to cracking.

“Leeteuk-ssi.” I heard a woman called him on the background of the other line.

Leeteuk, yes, that was his stage name; it meant special and it matched him perfectly. Leeteuk, what a very beautiful name but it was one of the million things that kept him away from me – our fame and the fact that it was impossible for him to love me back.

“I’m just outside the building. I’ll be waiting.”

“Heechul.” He called out again.

“I’m hanging up now.”

I ended the call and again, let myself drown in tears until I was finally drained.

He never came that night.

ii.

It was an amazingly perfect summer night; the bright moonlight lit the place as the stars sparkled in the dark night sky. I smiled and slowly walked to the stage as the band started playing the song that I’ve always wanted to sing for someone…

I let my eyes roam around the place and my heart started beating rapidly as soon as I spotted the person I was looking for. I watched the pair of beautiful brown orbs gleam under the beautiful moonlit sky as I sang the song to him… hoping that the words and my music would reach him ..

“Your love forever…
Hitomi wo tojite kimi wo egaku yo sore dakede ii
Close your eyes, let me paint your picture, even if my heart
Tatoe kisetsu ga boku no kokoro wo okizari ni emo
becomes deserted through the changing seasons, this much would do me good”

I saw him smiled at me but I could somehow sense sadness in his eyes.

Why?

“Jungsu.” I saw him muttered my name.

If I could just run to you now…if I could just hug you tight…I will never let you go.

My heart sank when I saw him stood up and marched out of the place. I just stared at him, watched him as he walked away from me, as he vanished from my sight.

My song ended. He was gone. I wasn’t sure what happened but I will never forget the phone call that I got that night.

“Jungsu.” Hearing that familiar voice from the other line made my race once more.

I tried to calm myself and acted cool…or more like cold.

“Why? Make it faster, I’m busy.” I said as I clenched my fist to help me control my hidden feelings.

“I know. It’s been always like that.”

I felt pain in his voice which made me ran out of words to say. I wanted to go wherever he was and just wrap my arms around him to ease his pain but I couldn’t ..  I wouldn’t ..

“Heechul.”

“Jungsu.” My heart jumped for nth time after hearing him mention my name. “We have to talk.”

We have to talk.

Those words…it echoed in my head, in my heart. Those were the words that I’ve been scared to hear, the words that I’ve been trying to avoid to hear from him since the day I gave up my heart to the person I love the most. . .

“I can’t. . .”

I heard him chuckled but his fake laugh failed to hide the pain that was feeling. I knew that I was the reason why he was hurting but I refused to do anything to save him.

“Leeteuk-ssi.” One of the staffs called my name, my stage name.

“I’m just outside the building. I’ll be waiting.”

“Heechul.” I called out his name again.

“I’m hanging up now.” The call ended without him, saying any other word.

I clutched my phone and stared at it for quite a while, hoping that maybe it would ring again so that I would hear his soft voice once more. It didn’t.

Tears started to blur my vision as I ran outside of the building, ignoring the weird looks that everyone was giving me.

I need to find him. I need to see him.

I looked for him everywhere until I found him…standing right beside an old street light with tears falling from his eyes.

I wanted to hug and comfort him but I didn’t. I wanted to tell him how much sorry I am was that I would never hurt him ever again but I didn’t. I wanted to go to him and give him my promise of forever but I didn’t. I wanted to tell him that my heart was beating for him, only for him, but instead, I just watched him drown himself with his own tears. I just watched him sunk in the pain that I caused him.

Like what I was doing now…watching the love of my life…Kim Heechul…as the setting sun filled the sky with different sad yet so beautiful colors…still crying over misery that I had caused him three years ago. . .

I was scared and I didn’t know why. I was too frightened to tell him how I feel. I was too weak to even show him that he was special to me…

Up until now…I still couldnt tell him that he was the only person that my heart beats for…that he was the person I loved…still loving…and will love until eternity.

iii.

I was done cursing the beauty of the sunset; it was not really helping me anyway. I stood up and dried my tears, hoping that this would be be the last time that I would cry because of him, which I knew was impossible in my case. I turned around. I saw a very familiar face, too familiar that my heart started aching as soon as our tear stained eyes met.

Wait? Is he crying? I stared at his used to be always smiling brown orbs, and I saw pain. But why? Was he hurt too? He’s not suppose to be, he should be happy.

I took a step forward; I wanted to comfort him in my arms. I wanted to wipe his tears. I wanted to stop him from crying…I wanted to stop him from feeling the pain he was in….but my own pain stopped me.

I was too hurt to even lay a finger on him or to even bear the fact that we were breathing the same air.

He deserves it right? He deserves to be hurt. He chose this. . .He wanted this. . .and I didn’t. . .yet I’m still suffering. . .Curse you Park Jungsu. . .damn you and this love that I have for you. . .

*****

Why am I so weak? How could I just watch him drown in pain that I caused him? Why am I so stupid? How could I be so stupid?

He was just looking at me…with pain burning in his eyes. I knew that he was hurting and I knew that I was the reason why but all I did was watch him….like what I always did.

I saw him took a step forward as the pain in his eyes softened. I wanted to comfort him in my arms. I wanted to wipe his tears. I wanted to stop him from crying…I wanted to stop him from feeling the pain that I caused him…but my cowardness stopped me…it had always stopped me.

He doesn’t deserve this. I know he doesn’t. He doesn’t deserve to be hurt like this. I chose this…I wanted this….He didn’t…yet he’s the one who’s suffering the most…I love you Kim Heechul...I love you so much…and I’m too scared to face that…

I looked back at his eyes, only to see that those two brown orbs were again, filled with pain. He took another step forward…and another one…and another one...until he was just inches away from me.

*****

I walked towards him not because I wanted to be near him..but because I wanted to leave…and that was the only way I knew.. to walk past him…unless I swim to my way home…Home? I almost chuckled at the thought.

I took every step slowly and as calmly as possible…I couldnt let another tear to fall from my eyes…not in front of him…I never intended to stop but I still did…I looked at him and a smile automatically curved my lips…why? I had no idea.

“Heechul….” I heard him choke my name as an invisible knife stabbed my heart once more. Hearing him utter my name used to be music to my ears but now….it was just painful…just plain painful…

*****

“Heechul…” His smile faded as I whispered his name. I remember him saying before that he liked hearing his name from me…but now, everything I did only caused him pain.

I looked down but I could still see how another smile curved his lips…and this time it was different. He put on his mask…like he always did…to cover up the pain that he was feeling. He was back to being Kim Heechul, the oblivious one, far from the vulnerable Kim Heechul that I made him….

“Teukie-ah, let’s go home. They’re probably looking for us now.” His smile grew bigger, the wider it is the faker it became…and it was breaking my heart.

“Hee-” He walked pass through me, ignoring whatever it was that I was planning to say and I just let him…I watched him walk away from me…all I did was watch him…just like before….just like always…

NO…I can’t let this happen again…I can’t let my cowardness and stupidity take over me again…I can’t let those take over my heart…not again….not ever….

I walked towards him, grabbed his arm, and pulled him close; let his slender figure crash with mine as I pulled him in a tight embrace.

*****

He ran after me. He hugged me. He didn’t let me go.

I felt him tightened his hug as tears started to fall from my eyes, washing away the mask that’s been keeping the world to see my sufferings. . .

“Heehcul-ah….I’m sorry….saranghae…”

Why Jungsu? Why now? Why now…when my heart is already too numb from the pain that my love for you caused me? Why now…when I’m too numb to feel your love?

Iv

“Teukie-ah.” I whispered as I felt the arms around me tightened its grip. “Let’s go home.” A tear almost fell from my eyes when those words escaped my lips. I felt him loosen his hug and I took advantage of it. I freed myself from his torturous embrace and walked, this time, faster than I should.

I tried running away from him, again, but I felt like every step that I took only lead me to nowhere. No matter how hard I try to run away, he would always find a way to make me come back to him. The only choice that I had was to just ignore his presence, and so as the pain the knowing he was around was causing me.

I need to get away.

“We can’t run away from each other forever, Hee.” I felt my heart beat furiously when he grasped my arm to keep me from walking. “We can’t be like this forever.” He pulled my arm and forced me face him and I almost lost my control when my eyes met his.

“What are you saying Teukie?” I tried to put my porcelain mask again and started to fix the wall that I built around me.

“Let’s fix this Heechul. Let’s fix us.”

I smirked as another teardrop almost fell from my eyes.

“What us? There’s no us Teukie. There’s no us anymore. The us you were talking about already ended three years ago.”  His teardrop fell and I almost kissed it away but I stopped myself. I had to be strong. “You ended it Jungsu. You ended us. Remember?”  

I freed my arm from his grip and started walking as fast as I could, half-mindedly. I needed to run. I didn’t care if tears were again, freely falling from eyes. I didn’t care if every people that saw me gave questioning looks. I didn’t care where my feet would bring me. I didn’t care if my injured leg started hurting, the pain that I felt in heart was worse anyway. I just needed to get away. I had to get away.

“Of all days? Why did he choose to bring that up now? Why today? When I finally decided to move on?” My knees suddenly became really weak as I lost my balance and fell on my knees. “Why does it still hurt?”

I looked up at the sky and saw how lightning almost cracked the dark skies. “Are you also hurting now? Maybe you can also feel my pain right now. Are you gonna cry too?” Thunder roared. “It’s okay. Crying isn’t a bad thing; it won’t make you any weaker. Just go cry…and maybe…your tears can wash away mine.” Then and there, rain started pouring, washing the stains that my tears left on his face. I bitterly smiled as cold droplets of rain caressed my cheeks. However, every single drop just made my pain even worse.

And just when I though I was already at my worst, a familiar song started playing, only this time, sung by an unfamiliar voice.

ano hi miseta nakigao 

That day you showed me your tear-stained face 

namida terasu yuuhi kata no nukumori 

The setting sun shined on your tears, the warmth of your shoulder 

keshisarou to negau tabi ni 

When I want them to disappear 

kokoro ga karada ga kimi wo oboeteiru

My heart and body remember you 

Your love forever 

Your love forever 

hitomi wo tojite kimi wo egaku yo sore dake de ii 

Closing my eyes, I draw you to myself, and that's all 

tatoe kisetsu ga boku no kokoro wo okizari ni e mo
Even if the seasons leave my heart behind 

“It’s our song.”

I chuckled and not too long after, my chuckle turned into laugh…a very hysterical laugh. I laughed and laughed and laughed until I got tired of it. I didn’t care if people thought that I was crazy all I care about that moment was to ease the pain that I was feeling, and I thought that laughing like madman would help.

“You’re gonna get sick if you continued doing this.” My heart sank into a deeper despair as I felt a pair of cold arms wrapped around my shivering shoulders, it were Jungsu’s. “But I know that you’re not gonna listen to me so I’ll just stay here with you.”

Jungsu never uttered another word after that and just like he said, he stayed there with me. We just stayed like that, him hugging me while we let each other drench in the cold autumn rain.

“Park Jungsu.” I muttered. “Why are you doing this to me?”

He only tightened his embrace and snuggled to my already wet hair. I could feel his hot breathe on my nape and it brought shivers down my spine. I knew that if we stayed that way long enough, the wall that I built around me for three years will just collapse like nothing.

“Because I don’t want to lose you and so I will do everything to keep you constantly by my side.”

I felt another set of tears formed in my eyes. Hearing those words from him was once my dream, but that was three years ago; I already let go of that dream. I already threw those dreams away.

“You already lost me three years ago Jungsu and there’s no coming back.” I whispered with a stone cold tone.

“I know and I regret doing that in every single day of those three years. I’ve hurt you before and I want to make up to you. It took me three years to gain enough courage to do this so please give me another chance.”

“Your chances already ran out and it also took me three years to be where I am right now. Three years Jungsu! Three years! Do you know how long that is? Do you know much pain and suffering I’ve been through? Three years of savoring every bit of pain that you caused me, do you think your words will make me come back to you? I don’t think so.” I stood up even though I can still the numbness of my legs.

“I love you Kim Heechul. I really do.”

“I love you?” I chuckled. “Don’t you think it’s a little too late for that? My heart can’t even recognize what those words mean anymore.” I looked at the now also standing man and caressed his beautiful face; my hand even lingered on his cheek longer than it should. “But you know what, I should actually thank you. Hurting me made me a really strong person. I learned how to get through life without giving a damn about pain. You taught me how to be strong. Thanks Jungsu. Thank you very much.”

“Heechul please.” A tear fell from his chinky eyes and I almost hugged him after seeing that but once again, I let my pain control me.

I avoided his eyes and continued my speech. I am going to end this now, everything, at one shot.

“Does it hurt Teukie? Does it hurt knowing that the person you love doesn’t give a damn about you anymore?” I tried to smile to keep my tears from falling again. “The pain is scorching right? Knowing that you don’t have room in the person you love’s heart.” I let go of his face and turned my back on him. “Now you know the feeling.”

“I’m sorry Hee…”

“I’m sorry to Jungsu.” The rain stopped pouring and soon after that, my tears began leaving stains on my cheeks again. “Don’t worry, I am not going to leave the dorm. I will stay there, so that every time you will see me, you will remember how much pain you caused me. This face will make you remember how much it hurts to be rejected by the one you love the most.” I wiped away my tears and started walking away from him and this time, it’ll be the last. “Goodbye Park Jungsu.”

***

reposted: 2013.07.30