[Written in Minhyuk's POV] 

 

            The first ray of light I saw from above had my eyes squinting and my ears received sounds, beeps, from the machine near the bedside. My breathing was shallow yet even. My nerves started to jolt one after another. And later, my brain started to register everything that was around me. By this time, I knew I was alive.

            I looked at the sides and saw a guy resting his head on my bed, his hand on mine. Who the hell is this ginger-haired guy? I don’t remember anyone with ginger hair. I twitched my hand for a bit and suddenly another voice came into my ears. “Hyung?” and the same voice went louder saying the same words, “Hyung! Hyung! You’re awake!”

            I looked from the sides and realized that it was Sungjae, his voice cracking – showing his worry. And the rest came after – Peniel, Hyunsik and Ilhoon. They were all teary-eyed.

            “YAH!! YOU’RE ALIVE!” A scream from the other side of the bed made me realize that the ginger-haired guy was Eunkwang; who was again showing his usual worried face, and seemingly sobbing. “Thank Goodness you’re alive. How could you do that to me?”

            I looked at the rest of them as Peniel rubbed Enkwang’s back from all his sobbing. Hyunsik calmly explained everything.

             “We were all having a good lunch when you left, you said you were meeting a relative and just before Changseobie hyung went collecting our lunch bowls, manager-nim went busting the door and told us you had an accident. Everyone else was shocked until Eunkwangie hyung went ballistic, almost getting the crap out of all of us. Immediately manager-hyung took us to the hospital as soon as the van was ready. The paramedics and the trauma in-charge in the hospital told us that you had an accident – hitting yourself in a concrete wall head on. Immediately, Papa Hong requested to run every test possible. Your parents were notified as soon as you were brought to your room. The doctors said you had something like a contusion, you were still unconscious and we were all worried. Your parents came to check on you for the morning and all of us took turns in looking after you in the evening. And the fans got worried too. I don’t think you could handle this along when you go out of here.” He then pointed at the couch behind him that was filled with gifts and a huge teddy bear that read be well, Minhyuk-oppa!

            “How long have I been here” I asked, feeling dazed.

            “Two weeks.” Hyunsik replied. “We had to cover you up and after every schedule we come here to check up on you. And just now, we all decided to take a break to keep up on you. Changseobie hyung was here all night that’s why we left him asleep on the couch just now. We prayed that you’d recover soon, but now, we’re thankful you’re fine.”

            I looked up at Eunkwang who was already quite a mess in all his sobbing. I really felt sorry and all my actions were irresponsible, I should’ve just stayed.

            What really happened – I don’t really remember anymore. I wish I could just pick up all the pieces together and maybe move on…

            But how can I move on if the hurt I feel inside still remains? How can I move on if I cannot deny the hurt I feel inside?

            My head started to hurt and I winced in pain. The pain was enough to get my thoughts off that painful event – that painful scenario – but the pain will remain as it is.

            “Call the doctor fast!” I heard Eunkwang say that and immediately Ilhoon pushed the button on the wall. In a moment the doctor came and before I could decipher anything, everything around me just went black.

           

            “Lee Minhyuk-sshi, how are you feeling?” I heard the doctor say before I could think of something to reply. I moved myself up a bit and looked at him.

            “My head still hurts, but the rest of me is fine.” I replied sluggishly, restraining myself to moving really sudden.

            “That’s good. And do you still recognize the people you’re with earlier?” he asked.

            “Yes.” I answered straightly. “My group members. Where are they, by the way?”

            “They went outside to give you space, and at least some air to breathe.” The doctor went through a long chart and as soon as he closed it, he smiled. “If you’re still getting headaches, it’s just an effect of what happened, but it will just wear off in a while. I’m really thankful you can remember the people around you. People with serious head injury tend to forget events that happened recently.”

 

            Two days after, I got out of the hospital and just like any other comebacks, I was welcomed with bright sunlight and bright camera flashes. I gave a small wave to the people and went inside the van immediately. I sat with my parents and immediately we went home.

            Being back home took me away from any distractions both in my career and my personal issues, but no matter what comfort home gave me, the pangs of everything that happened just now made me think of the pain I felt inside. I tried to place every single painful thought at the back of my mind but somehow it just made me feel worse.

            Yaesom.

            The thought of her name pains me. The thought of her hurts everything in me.

            I wanna hate her. I wanna loathe her. I wanna forget her like I’ve never met her or loved her before. But how can I hate, loathe, and forget her when all I can think of aside from all the pain inside me is HER? Damn it! Can someone please just shoot a bullet straight in my head and kill me!

            I got a phone call from the company and they allowed me to rest for a week, but my group would suffer numerous performances without me. It’s really hard to have either Sungjae or Peniel covering up for me, knowing that they’ll have to modify the choreography. Sigh. And when I get back, I know people will ask me how I am, and maybe the last person I want to see is Dongwoon. I just hope he wont show up in front of me and ask me of how I am because I’d definitely kick the hell out of him.

            Looking through the screen of my phone, I realized that my wallpaper was a stolen picture of Yaesom while we were waiting for a bus near Hongdae. I remembered how it was when I got this picture of her – so pure, innocent, so divine. I always asked myself as to why I fell in love with her, but the question still remained unanswered. I guess I just loved her in a rather obscure yet certain way. I know it was hard to forget her, most especially when I realized that I cannot even erase her in my mind.

 

            Three years passed by and there was nothing more in my mind but my career and future. I lived as if I was a new person, changed in a way that only I know about; as if nothing horrible happened to me; as if there was only me and my career. I already have this post as an assistant DJ in a local radio station together with Eunkwang and Ilhoon every weekday nights; greeting and entertaining fans with the witty cracks of my colleagues. I welcomed this new life as if it was a long lost friend that came back from overseas; I have missed this life and for this, I am certain I was going well.

            Tonight I was in the station together with the rest of my group members. We were promoting our latest album and we dearly welcomed all questions from the fans. I was already having fun until there was a question from a random fan which Ilhoon received via phone patch.

            “Minhyukkie oppa, I am sad. I just broke up with my boyfriend because he left me with another girl.”

            “Oh, I’m sorry.”

            “Oppa, I want to ask. Have you regretted loving someone if ever you had loved someone before?”

            I was lost for words, still trying to keep a smile just in case the cameras are on me. Have I regretted love? Have I regretted loving? Or have I regretted the one I loved?

            Three years has passed and I think it was enough for me to move on.

            “Is love ever worth regretting? I don’t think so. Take it as something like a lesson you really need to learn. As you move on, you can still look back, but never regret. I never regretted love, nor blamed love on anything that didn’t work in my life; rather I embraced it like it was a friend.”

            The whole room resounded applauses of both teasing and awe. I know it wasn’t like me but at least I learned.

            I never heard of Yaesom until now; her whereabouts I know nothing of. The last time I’ve seen her was in the bookstore, holding on to Dongwoon in a tight embrace and a rather passionate kiss – some minutes before the lifechanging event came into me and after that, I haven’t heard of her anymore. Well, I wont even care if someone would tell me where she is.

            But what if I’d care to find her, just know where she is? It wouldn’t even hurt a bit anymore. Three years is long enough.

            “Eunkwang-ah, do we have schedules tomorrow?” I asked Eunkwang as we were heading out of the station.

            “No. No schedules until Monday.” He coolly answered.

            If everything goes well tomorrow, I would at least give time to ask around. Maybe her friends are still here.

           

            The next day, I was off to the hospital where she last worked. I asked the administrator’s office if she was still working there, but the kind personnel said she resigned some three years ago because of some personal matters. I tried contacting her friends but they were out of reach, I guess they changed their numbers already. The social media was not even that helpful. I drove off to her house, but it seemed that it was already owned by another person. I asked the old ahjusshi from next door where she could be, but she only said Yaesom sold the unit three years ago and said she had to go somewhere else – I then remembered packing all my clothes that day I left. I was getting desperate; I was not getting the answers I want for my questions. She couldn’t have vanished into thin air, could she?

            Suddenly, all the memories came crashing into my conscious mind. I was already panicking like I was looking for something really important and it meant my life.

            God, Yaesom. Why do you have to appear like this just so suddenly?

 

            The next few days was like a gush of adrenaline pumped into my systems. The eagerness to look for her was like something that I never had before. Not even the excitement and nervousness of promoting our new album could level with this. I asked around, showing people a picture of her on my phone. They asked me who that was; I said it was a relative. Until I went to a coffee shop near a broadcasting station and saw someone really familiar – I know I have seen that person in the face but no matter I still walked up to him.

            “Annyeonghaseyo,” I said as I bowed and made the person face me.

            “Lee Minhyuk?” the person asked as I looked up at him and bowed back.

            “I know this is not the right time, but I’m really thankful you can still remember me. I wasn’t really sure if you were the right person I thought you were but thank God you really are.”

            “What can I do for you? Please come and sit down.” He called the waiter and ordered for a cup of coffee. I organized my thoughts as I sipped through the coffee he got me. I breathed deeply and started.

            “I know that it’s been a long time now, things have changed, but lately I have been looking for someone we both know of.”

            “Yaesom?”

            “Yes,” I nodded. “It has been a long time and I know I have been really unmindful and I admit that I didn’t put on any effort of looking for her after what happened.”

            “And your point is?”

            “I want to know where she is. I don’t care if I wont see her, I just want to know where she is, that’s all.”

            Hwanchan was looking at me like he could crush me into pieces that very moment, but I wouldn’t complain if he actually did that.

            “Yaesom left.” He said vaguely.

            “What do you mean she left?”

            “Yaesom left for Canada after what happened to you. Her conscience was killing her already. You don’t know the guilt she was carrying while you were there in the hospital; she was even there in the operating theatre praying that your operation will go on successfully. You were in a coma for two weeks and all she did was pray that you’d be able to recover fast. The next thing I knew is that she was already in the airport – she had her house for sale in the bank, and left for Canada.”

            “Have you heard of her since then?”

            “No. We didn’t communicate since. Not even Miina and Soorin.”

            I felt hopeless as I listened to him. It seemed that there was no chance for us to meet again -  not even a chance to communicate.

            As I left the coffee shop, grateful of Hwanchan’s statements, I felt there was nothing left for me to look back but mere memories, photographs, blurred visions of her in my mind. How could I just let this come in my life like I have been living a lie?

 

            “Hyung, where have you been?” Changseob asked as he got up the couch in the dorm’s living room. “Manager-nim has been looking all over for you.”

            “Somewhere.” I replied. “Tell him I’m not coming to the radio station.”

            “Why?”

            “Just tell him that, please. I don’t really feel good.” And there goes the bang on the door. I’m sorry Changseob-ah, but this hyung of yours seriously needs a time out.

            But as the door closed, tears have crept non-stop, falling without any sense of control.

            I know there was nothing more for me, for us. I swore to hate her, forget her. But what do I get? I end up here, breaking down for the loss that I seemed to have regretted. I felt pain, the pain worse than what happened years ago. I the realized that I have loved her, and I did love her – deeply.

            Yaesom-ah… How can I tell you I miss you? And I’m sorry.

 

            I decided to take a walk on Han River Park -  the cherry blossoms were blooming and seemingly the cool afternoon breeze was inviting me to go along the small walkways. The ambiance was great but it was enough to remember everything that happened. I looked back at the past few days and I realized that everything came crashing down. I was empty, emptier than before.

            Breathing. Feeling thankful I was still alive from the sadness and pain I felt inside me. The whole world seem to go on as slow as it is and as quiet as I wanted it to be, until I felt something hit the back of my legs and I heard a dull thud from behind. I looked back and saw a little girl lying down on the ground, struggling to get up. I felt alarmed and quickly picked up the poor little girl.

            “Are you hurt? Are you okay?” I asked her as I bet down. I saw a pink ball rolling near us. “Is that ball yours?” I asked, but she only stared at me blankly. I picked the ball up and gave it to her. “Are you okay?” I asked her again, concernedly. “Where is your eomma? Your appa? Your oppa or your eonni?”

            But the little girl was just staring back at me. I looked around me and something came into my senses. I felt something weird – a feeling strange to me. A feeling that never came to me until this little girl came to me. Could this be…

            “Soyeonnie!” I heard a faint voice from afar. “Soyeonnie~”

            The little girl grabbed her ball from my hands and turned back. “Eomma!” she cried with her little voice.

            And coming from afar I saw a woman dressed in a white blouse, blue jeans, and rubber shoes, donning a faint pink trench coat running towards our direction. “Soyeonnie!”

            “Eomma! I’m here!” she said, waving her hand at her mother. The woman ran towards us and hugged her tightly. “Soyeonnie~ don’t do that to me again, alright? Don’t run so fast as if you’re in a rush. You almost killed eomma to worrying.” The woman then stood and said, “thank you. I’m sorry if my little Soyeon bothered you.”

            “No worries madam, I-“ I was lost for words the moment I saw her face. My breath stifled. My heart raced.

            Yaesom.  

 

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OTL 

Part 4 will be posted next week.. ♥