>>Author's tip<<

Listen to Sam Tsui's cover  of "Clarity"  while reading it :D

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“Come on, is a party” Sunny pushed me towards the door

“Okay” I sighed while knocking on the door that got open quickly

“Hi guys, come inside…the drinks are on the kitchen and the food is on the living room” Our friend explained while I just nod to her.

I wasn’t really in the mood for a party, it has been a while since I had been in the mood for parties. Mostly because it always made me remember about her and how we met, back on the days I didn’t knew about anything more than just get wasted.

I follow Sunny, we had some shots and then we went to dance, everything seem like a memory, going to a house, drink, smoke, dance, drink some more, hit on some random girl, drink even more, throw up or passed out.

But in a way, it made me happy, it made me feel hope, it made me think of those days where I was enlighten about what love was, when party time was actually just time to see her, to hang with her, to know her better.

I pulled her closer by the waist, letting her hip bone collide once in a while with mine, her arm over my shoulders didn’t let me feel the cold night. I swear that I’ve never felt so complete in my life like I was feeling now.

“Sorry for making you leave early” Her voice sound like a whisper to me

“No problem, is not like I would miss a lot, they were pretty wasted already” I smiled to her while continue walking

“I should have known that those were tequila shots”

“Haha, you should have known indeed…but you have fun, you dance with me” I lean closer to her

“I think I embarrassed myself and you…I told you that I don’t like to dance in public”

“You were great…you don’t have to do something you don’t want when you’re with me you know…we could just hang at a café or at the movies…I know you don’t like to party that much” I felt a breeze passing between us

“But you like to party” Her husky voice made me feel goose bumps

“But even I have some breaks” I chuckled at her

“Smoke breaks…right…smoking is bad you know, it makes your lungs weak and can cause you cancer” Her husky voice turned serious for a moment

“Whoa…that was seriously romantic” I sighed softly while pulling her closer to me

“I’m being serious here Tae” I smiled when I heard her voice getting lower, something she would do when she thought I was upset or mad at her

“I know…thanks for caring, and I mean it” I kissed her cheek to let her know I wasn’t mad

“Thanks for walking me to my house, and I mean it” She winked at me

I found myself standing on the other side of the living room, near the food, just standing there watching the people dance, eat, drink and talk. I sipped my glass enjoying the music blasting from the speakers, I smiled when I notice all of my friends dancing happily, some of them were dancing in a circle and other were dancing with other persons. I took my time drinking the content of my glass, ron with ginger ale.

I try to enjoy the small time by myself, I had reached my point and I needed to be alone. The perks of being an introvert who actually likes to party, as my friends will say to mock me.

“Sorry”

I rolled my eyes to the guy that  had passed running in front of me, he had pushed my hand a bit and my glass had tilted spilling a bit of my drink over my chin and lips, I my lower lip and clean my chin with the back of my hand.

Great

As I clean the back of my hand on my jeans, I feel the need to turn upwards, it was then when I saw her, she was standing on a corner of the room, wearing a pair of kakis with a red t-shirt and black sneakers, just standing awkwardly there, just like the day we met.

She didn’t like to dance in public, because she wasn’t good at it, and the people in these parties were always too good, she said this to me more than once.

But as far as I knew, she dance better than a lot of them combined.

I looked at her, ignoring the curious eyes of some of my friends, even with the long distance between us she looked at me too an she smiled to me, I felt my breath caught behind my lips the moment she smiled at me. How much I missed that smile.

Hi

It was in times like this that I wonder why we weren’t together, we even had our secret language, we only need a moment to look at each other eyes and we were talking, it was a secret language that we had learned in the past, a way to convey our feelings and our secrets, a language than only us could use.

Come here

I walked towards her and she walked towards me, we found in the middle of the room, she took my free hand softly while I just stare at her eyes, I let myself wonder on the deepness of her brown eyes and for a moment I forget what had happened.

I smiled at her and her smile got wider. It was just like we were alone, just the two of us there, just like the day we met.

I put my jacket on the chair, I had just come inside after I had finished my smoke time, I my lips, there were more people than when I went to the backyard to smoke.

I notice a girl in the corner, her eyes were hollow, and she was just standing there with a red cup on her hand. She was wearing black jeans and a pink t-shirt with grey strips, her hair was on a weird low and lose bun, she had black plugs on her ears and pink sneakers, I felt pulled at her like a magnet.

It was like it was just the two of us in the room.

“Hi…I’m Taeyeon” I wave at her and she just stood straight

“Ahm, I’m Tiffany” She wave awkwardly back at me

“Wanna dance?” I smiled widely at her but she just seem shocked

“I…I don’t really dance in public and they are too good too” Her voice sound awfully soft

“Are you sure you don’t wanna even try?” I tilted my head at her but she just smiled kindly at me

“Yeah…thanks for asking anyway” She looked down a moment before nodding to me

I walked to the bunch of people dancing on the living room, and I start dancing with my friends, letting the music blast through or bodies and our laughs. But even when I was having the time of my life, I couldn’t stop thinking on the girl on the corner with the hollow stare.

“Hey Tae, wanna smoke?” Sunny asked me while drinking from her cup

“Yeah…let’s go” I follow her to the backyard

We stood near the door smoking because it had began to rain, it wasn’t really big rain drops but it was still bothersome, we didn’t really talk, we just smoke and made small talk, but just like the cigarettes, it die slowly.

“I’m going inside, are you coming?” She had finished her cigarette quite quickly, I shook my head at her while letting the smoke escape from my mouth, I still had half of mine

“See ya in a bit then” She winked at me and went inside.

I stood leaning on the wall, it had began to rain harder and I was starting to feel cold, I cursed to myself for forgetting my jacket. I put the cigarette off on my boot when I notice a figure on the corner of my eye.

I looked up and I saw the same girl of earlier standing in the center of the backyard, she was just standing under the rain, she had her arms stretched out to her sides and she was just looking to the sky.

I stood there looking at her, there was something in the entire scene in front of me that made me tear up, I felt how my chest tight up as she looked down to the floor and her hands came to rest on her sides, she crouched on the floor, I found myself walking towards her, I put a hand on her shoulder and she just turned to see over her shoulder.

“You shouldn’t be here…you’ll get sick” I crouched next to her

“I like it when it rains” the moment she talk I felt how my chest lose and I could breathe again

“Taeyeon” I blinked the moment I heard my name coming from behind me. I turned around breaking the stare contest we had. My friend Sunny was frowning at me, but she then turn to see the person holding my hand.

“Its fine Sunny” I smiled to my friend who was now frowning at the person standing in front of me

“I need to smoke…wanna join me?” I dare myself to ask even when I knew she hated when I smoked

“Sure”

I swallow hard realizing she had say yes, I nod to her and made my way. She followed me to the front door, I remember to grab my coat and my lighter, I wait for her to close the front door, then I walked to the side walk and sit there, she sat next to me without saying anything.

“Want one?” I offer her a cigarette but she just looked at me with a smile

“I thought I had been clear about what I think about cigarettes” Her voice was low but I still could feel she was trying to sound like she was teasing

“Right…smoking is bad” I said softly while lighting mine

Smoking was easy, it was just inhale and exhale, two steps and then repeat, that was one of the reasons I like to smoke, it was easy.

A thing about myself I had learned to hate. I liked easy stuff.

 I watched the smoke leave my lips, I wasn’t even sure I was still letting smoke out because it was really cold outside and I was a bit drunk, so I start wondering if maybe I had pushed all the smoke out and now I was just pushing hot air out.

“Do your friends still hate me?” Her voice always so soothing took me by surprise

I had forgotten she was here with me.

“They don’t hate you, Sunny is just concerned, okay maybe she hates you a little bit but I still don’t know why, I was the one who broke up with you” I my lips trying to sound confident

“I guess they hate me because I made you stop hanging out with them…Jessica told me this is the first party you assist in months” I heard her blow some air and with the corner of my eye I could see she was trying to warm her hands

I try to finish my cigarette quickly ignoring what she had said but just as I was just inhaling I felt a drop on my cheek, I exhale while looking to the sky, the dark sky seemed to be angry, I start to notice some lightings and then I hear a thunder, I closed my eyes.

I pulled the blanket closer to my head, just in time as a pair of arms sneak under the blanket and wrapped around my waist, I felt hot air on my neck and then a pair of lips near my ear.

“Don’t tell me you’re afraid of thunders Tae?” Her teasing was something I always enjoyed but at the moment I was too scared to even notice it properly

“I’m not scared…I just don’t feel all happy about them” I cursed softly to the pillow when I heard another one

“Don’t worry…I’m here…I won’t even let you think about them” I relaxed after I felt a small kiss on my cheek

“Why did we break up?” I closed my eyes while counting the drops that were falling over me

“You broke up with me because I’m not easy” Her voice sound amused

“Right” I inhale and then exhale

I turn the engine off, I took my backpack and then I made my way to my front door, I open the door and when no one answer my “I’m home” I just put my keys on the small bowl and made my way to the couch, I turned the TV on, and then I pulled my cell phone from my jacket pocket and turn it on, I had turn it off for my last class.

I frown when I saw one missing call, I checked and saw it was Tae, I called her back but she didn’t pick up, I decide to text her, I was sure she had fall asleep.

“Call me later…love you” I read while writing the text

I send it, I put the cell phone aside and then put my entire attention to the TV. I guessed I fell asleep because when I open my eyes everything was dark and I had a blanket on, I stood up and walked to the kitchen but I stopped in front of the fridge, I remember that Tae had called me so I went to the couch to grabbed my cell phone but I didn’t had a reply or another missed call.

I had a weird hunched and I called at her again, I wait on the dark until she finally pick up.

“Hey” I felt relief when she answer

“Hey…are you okay?” I bit my lower lip

“No…but is okay, how was class?” I heard some rustling noises

“What’s wrong?” I wait for a reply even when I knew what it will be

“Everything” her voice sound different, a bit too soft for my like

“Tae” I sat on the couch

I didn’t like to fight with her but I was starting to feel tired of the same replies, I should have know in what I was getting myself into the moment I start dating her, the same thing that seem to attracted me as a magnet, the hollow eyes, the sadness hidden in every smile, the way her hand seemed too tight and then too lose, or how everything she did was beautifully sad.

I should have known but I didn’t.

“Is okay”

“No, is not okay…why can’t you just try?” I sighed while grabbing my head

“I try okay…don’t you dare to say I don’t try Taeyeon”

“I’m sorry Fany, I’m tired and I just…” I sighed again

“Tae just do it already” her voice start to be a bit louder

“Do what?” I was now annoyed

“What you want to do the entire week…just do it…is okay” That tone I used to love was bothering me now

“What are you talking about?” I rolled my eyes at her, knowing she couldn’t see me

“How many times have you hugged me in the past week? When was the last time you called me? And this time doesn’t count because I called you and then you text me and then called me…when was the last time you said you love me and you meant it?” I felt like I’ve been slapped on the face

“Fany” I closed my eyes

“Just do it…you’ll feel better and I’ll be better”

 I stood up from the couch trying to think

“I don’t want to” I felt hot tears rolling down my face

“Sometimes what we need is not what we want…so just do it”

It was in times like this that I wonder how she could be this wise, how she could be so selfish and still so selfless, how could she just be okay with me wanting to break up with her even when I knew she had too much pain in her life and this would just be an addition to it.

How could she make me love and hate her at the same moment.

“I don’t want to be your girlfriend anymore…is too hard” I bit my lip hard so she couldn’t heard me cry

“Okay…thanks Tae…I know I’m quite a handful but thanks…” She hung up and I just stood there on the dark crying

I hugged myself when a breeze passed us, I blink when I felt the wetness on my coat, I looked up and saw it was now raining, I turned to my side and she was still sitting next to me.

She was looking to the sky, she was smiling but her eyes show the truth. I could feel her pain, I could feel her frustrations and I could feel her happiness.

And then it hit me.

“You never told me why you liked when it rained”

“You never ask”

I laughed at the reply, it was true, I never asked her because I thought I will knew the answer at it’s right time but with Tiffany, things weren’t like that, she would tell you some stuff but not all of it, you needed to ask. To show interest, because that way she knew you were really going to stay. But I didn’t, I couldn’t.

Because it wasn’t easy, like smoking.

“Why do you like when it rains Tiffany?” I stood up throwing my finished cigarette to the floor

She stood up and then she walked a bit into the street, she looked up and smiled. And in that moment I saw the same exact thing I have saw the day I met her.

I saw something beautifully sad.

“I like it when it rains because I get wet, my hair get frizz and the ends of it start dripping, I like how my clothes feel heavier and my toes got squishy under my soak socks, I love how every rain drop feels like the sky is crying…and I love how I can cry and no one knows I’m crying…I like it when it rains because somehow it makes me feel like I’m not the only one sad, it makes me feel alive…it makes me remember that I’m still alive…and that I need to try harder” I swallow the lump on my throat while letting my tears disguised themselves with the rain

“Fany…I’m sorry” I grabbed her hand but she just shook her head at me

“The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. You know, when sad tries to bit its lips and not cry and smile and go, that’s when it’s really sad” She lean her forehead on mine

“What was that?” I frown at her

“A quote…by John Mayer…I never expected you or anyone else understand it…I never expected you to love me or that you fixed me…Just like I’m not expecting people to understand why I’m sad or why I can’t stop being sad sometimes…the only think I expected from you was that you didn’t treat me like everyone else does…and you didn’t, you never did…Thanks” I looked into her eyes and I saw happiness.

She was happy under the rain, she was happy getting wet, she felt happy crying without no one notice it. Because she had to deal with people telling her she should try harder, that she didn’t had reasons to be sad, that she just needed to go out and live her life.

She had used to people judging her, calling her an attention seeker, but she was more than that, she was more than all those things.

I leaned closer to her and I kissed her, under the rain, while crying under the rain. I kissed her because I want her to know that I still love her, I never stopped loving her, I had just acted like a jerk because I was scared.

“What that was for?” She smiled shyly at me

“I just want to give you another reason to like the rain…just so you remember that I’m here…and I’m not going anywhere…I’ll stay”

She smiled at me and leaned to kiss me again, I kissed her back, she slipped her arms under my coat and pulled me closer to her, I pulled her closer to me by putting my hand at the back of her neck.

We kissed there, under the rain, not caring about anything, and just like the day I met her, it was just the two of us, shivering.

But everything was clear now, as clear as the raindrops falling on us.