It has only been three years since Junmyeon’s death but sometimes, to Jongin, it feels like a lifetime.

“What are you making?” Jongin asks as he walks up to the kitchen worktable, plucking a strawberry from the bowl beside the cook.

“A dessert for the dinner tonight.” Kyungsoo frowns at the strawberry Jongin is eating. “I need as many of those as possible, if you don’t mind.”

“Would you like it back?” Jongin holds up what remains of the strawberry. Kyungsoo makes a face and Jongin laughs, popping the rest of the berry in his mouth.

Kyungsoo has been the cook for almost six months now. That’s the longest any cook has lasted with Yifan as master of the house. Since Junmyeon’s own cook died from the illness three years ago, Yifan has been constantly hiring for and firing from the position. It seems he’s very particular about how his food is cooked.

Finally Yifan seems content, and Jongin isn’t surprised. Kyungsoo is an amazing cook; even the leftovers for the servants always manage to taste like they come from an upperclass restaurant. There is no doubt Kyungsoo is skilled, but what’s surprising is how young he is, only a couple of years older than Jongin himself. Jongin likes that, though. It gives him someone around his age to talk to among the servants who, for the most part, are much older.

“It looks like you’re making a lot.” Jongin says, gesturing to Kyungsoo’s work station with one hand while trying to sneak another strawberry with his other. Kyungsoo swats him away from the bowl.

“I am. Like I said, there’s a dinner tonight. The master’s having guests over.”

Jongin wrinkles his nose in distaste. Ever since Yifan has taken over the estate he has dinner parties on a regular basis. It surprises Jongin, that Yifan has enough acquaintances to do this, since he is so uptight. Junmyeon hardly ever had dinner parties and he was the sweetest man in the world.

There is another reason Jongin doesn’t like dinner parties, however. It makes more work for him.

“Don’t make a face like that.” Kyungsoo orders Jongin. “You knew about the party.”

“Yes, but I forgot.”

“That’s your own fault.” Kyungsoo glances at the kitchen clock. “Isn’t it about time for you to go pick up the young master?”

“Nah. He’s always late leaving.”

“The last time you said that he left early and you were late picking him up. Do you really want to get in trouble again?”

The only reason Sehun had left early that day was because he saw Jongin hadn’t yet arrived. He’d done it on purpose, just like he was always purposefully late leaving the firm, to make Jongin wait for him.

Jongin doesn’t say this now. Instead he rolls his eyes, fully aware Kyungsoo is still watching him, and snags another strawberry. Kyungsoo’s eyes become even larger and he moves to hit Jongin’s arm with the wooden spoon he’s holding, but Jongin has already backed up, out of the way. Grinning at Kyungsoo, Jongin tosses the berry into his mouth before going into the hall. He grabs his coat from where it’s hanging by the servants’ entrance and leaves the mansion to retrieve the car.



When Jongin first joined the servants they tried to train him as a footman, but the results of that were less than favourable. Shortly after Jongin turned sixteen Yifan’s old chauffer, who was planning to leave the position soon, taught him how to drive. Since then Jongin has taken up the job as chauffer. He doesn’t mind it so much. In fact, out of all the jobs available at the estate, he probably likes it best. 

It’s come to feel right, that he works to earn his keep. All those years he lived pampered in the mansion feel like they were part of a dream, and he’s finally woken up to his real life, one of work and minimal respect and rewards. At least his work isn’t too hard. He only really dislikes it when he has to drive around Sehun which, unfortunately, is happening more and more often.

Jongin pulls up in front of Yifan’s law firm. Yifan himself won’t need to be picked up until later.

Lately Sehun has been spending quite a bit of time at Yifan’s firm. Learning the trade, apparently. Jongin doesn’t know if it’s from Yifan’s prompting to join the family business, or Sehun’s own interest. He tells himself he doesn’t care if it’s really what Sehun wants to do or not. Sehun’s no more to him now than the ‘young master’.

Jongin waits for ten minutes until the firm doors finally open and Sehun walks out. Like Jongin, he’s grown tall over the years. That is the only change in Sehun. He is still as thin and pale as ever, even thinner with his new height. Sometimes Jongin thinks a strong wind could snap him in half.

Jongin starts to turn his attention away, when he realizes someone is leaving with Sehun, and the two are talking. It’s Yifan’s newest clerk, the youngest one. Jongin recognizes him because he has been visiting the mansion quite a bit as of late, always with Sehun.

Jongin takes a deep breath before getting out of the car. He opens the back door for Sehun, who doesn’t so much as cast him a glance. Zitao climbs in behind Sehun, smiling at Jongin and thanking him. Jongin nods to the clerk before closing the door and returning to the drivers seat. In seconds, they are on the road.

As he drives, Jongin tries to block out the conversation Sehun and Zitao are having. It isn’t very hard. It’s about some case Yifan has taken on, and Jongin knows nothing about the business of law, so he doesn’t understand most of what they are saying. Still, he wishes they wouldn’t talk. He wishes Sehun wouldn’t say something obscure that makes Zitao laugh; a joke Jongin doesn’t understand. He wishes Zitao wouldn’t touch Sehun’s leg as they’re talking, as if they are the two closest people in the world.

Sehun spots Jongin watching them and meets his eyes in the rear-view mirror. Jongin quickly looks away, forcing himself to watch the road. He tries not to look back again, but he can’t help an occasional peek.

When they reach the mansion Jongin gets out to open the doors for them again. When Zitao exits the car he holds out a handful of coins to Jongin, smiling. “Thank you.”

“Don’t tip him.” Sehun says, passing by Zitao. “He’s paid enough by my uncle as it is.”

Zitao presses the coins into Jongin’s palm anyway, with a wink. Then he is off with Sehun towards the mansion. Jongin climbs back into the car. He has to park it in the garage, get it out of the way in case someone visits the mansion, but for a moment he just sits there and stares at the money in his hands. He wishes Zitao wouldn’t tip him. It makes him feel even farther from their world. From Sehun’s world.


After parking the car Jongin returns to the mansion. He goes straight to his room in the servants quarters, to put away the money Zitao gave him. It feels heavy in his pocket.

He goes right into his room, because at this time of day there is no reason to knock. At least, there shouldn’t be. But as soon as Jongin steps into the room he hears someone gasp. Jongin’s gaze snaps to Kyungsoo, who’s in the middle of changing.

Although he and Kyungsoo share a room, they get up at different times and never change clothing in the presence of one another. This is the first time Jongin has seen so much of Kyungsoo, and the first thought he has before looking away is how paleKyungsoo is.

“Why are you changing?” Jongin asks, keeping his gaze averted even though they’re both men and it shouldn’t be a problem. There’s rustling as Kyungsoo quickly throws on his clothing.

“I spilt something on my shirt while I was cooking.” Kyungsoo’s voice is shaky and Jongin can tell he’s embarrassed. “If I don’t get it washed right away it’s going to stain so I had to come and change and um... what are you doing here?”

Jongin shrugs, because he’s never told Kyungsoo about the tips he gets from Zitao before, and he doesn’t want to have to explain his dislike of carrying them around. He’s not sure if he can.

Kyungsoo has finished changing and clutches his stained shirt to his chest. “Anyway, I should get this washed and get back to preparing the meal, so... I’ll be going, if you could, um...”

Realizing he’s blocking the door, Jongin mumbles an apology and steps out of the way. As Kyungsoo rushes past him, Jongin notices how red his face has turned. Jongin wonders if his own face is the same colour. It feels that way.



Even though they had been getting along well, after that incident things grow awkward between Jongin and Kyungsoo. They are never alone together, except at night in their room, and Kyungsoo always seems to either go to bed before Jongin or after he is asleep. Even when they are among the other servants, Kyungsoo seems evasive with Jongin, and Jongin has begun to notice Kyungsoo’s cheeks turn pink whenever he gets too close. Jongin doesn’t know what to do to fix their relationship, but he hopes it will go back to normal soon.

Zitao visits the mansion even more than usual in the next few weeks. Jongin notices Zitao has also taken to walking closer to Sehun, and touching Sehun more during their conversations, either on the leg of the arm or the shoulder. Jongin hates it but he can’t help watching those little shows of affection, of intimacy. They’re just good friends, Jongin tells himself, and Zitao is a very sociable young man, but it never helps. He’s still furious when he sees them together.

Jongin wishes he understood why he feels this way, when he has no right. He and Sehun are on different levels of society now, as they were always meant to be, and Sehun himself has made it clear he wants nothing more to do with Jongin. So why can’t Jongin let it go?

There is a fair in town on Friday, and some of the servants have been given leave to attend. Jongin thinks it will cheer him up, distract him, but at the last minute he’s told he can’t go. Apparently, Sehun and Zitao are going to the opera, and Jongin must be available to drop them off and pick them up.

The drive to the opera house is unbearable. Zitao is so excited and chatters even more than normal. He touches Sehun more than normal too, and, what is worse, Sehun doesn’t seem to mind.

When they reach their destination Sehun says to Jongin, “Park the car and be ready to pick us up in an hour and a half.”

This is the only time Sehun talks to Jongin now, to give him orders.

“Come now, Sehun.” Zitao says, “He’ll be bored waiting all that time.”

“It’s his job, he doesn’t mind.” Sehun says, and adds when Zitao starts to protest again. “We’ll be late for the show if we don’t hurry.”

This silences Zitao, who immediately follows Sehun up the steps to the opera house. Jongin watches them go, both dressed for a formal evening. He can’t help thinking that should be him, dressed like that, walking up those steps with Sehun. Not so much because he wants to live a rich, comfortable life again, but because he wants to live a life with Sehun.

Lately he doesn’t even want that anymore. Sehun has treated him horribly for years. At first Jongin thought he deserved it, but now it’s gone on too long. If Sehun can dismiss their years together so easily, then they must not have meant that much to him in the first place. Not as much as they’d meant to Jongin.

Jongin is dead bored waiting for Sehun and Zitao to finish and eventually nods off, which has happened before. Jongin finds he’s almost always tired and can nap basically anywhere. He just usually doesn’t choose to nap in the car.

He’s awoken by a sharp wrapping on the driver’s seat window. Jongin jolts up and is brought eye to eye with a very angry Sehun. Behind Sehun is Zitao, who looks very amused.

Jongin scrambles out of the car and opens the door for Sehun and Zitao, mumbling apologies. Zitao waves him off with a smile, but Sehun doesn’t say anything. Jongin gets in the drivers seat and they leave.

“It really was marvellous, wasn’t it? That man, in the blue, wasn’t he spectacular?” Zitao sighs wistfully, “I’d love to be able to sing like he could. Can you imagine, to be able to sing like that whenever you wanted?”

“I suppose it could prove entertaining.” Sehun says, not sounding nearly as impressed.

“We must go again!” Zitao declares. Then, to Jongin’s surprise, he leans forward and says, “I don’t suppose you’ve ever seen an opera, have you?”

Jongin shakes his head, because it’s what’s expected. In truth, Junmyeon took him and Sehun to the opera several times.

“It’s delightful.” Zitao tells him, “Maybe one day you’ll have the chance to go... I’m sorry, but what’s your name? I don’t believe I’ve ever been told.”

Jongin glances at Zitao, then Sehun in the rear-view mirror. He’s not sure if he’s supposed to introduce himself or not.

“He’s just a driver, Zitao.” Sehun says curtly, “His name doesn’t matter.”

Zitao frowns at Sehun, “Of course it does. He’s still a person.”

“He’s a person who’s paid to drive us, not to socialize with us. Leave him be.”

Zitao still doesn’t look pleased, but he obeys. He and Sehun fall into conversation about the opera again, comparing it to other performances they’ve each seen. Sehun names one and Zitao looks surprised.

“Wasn’t that playing years ago?”

“Yes,” Sehun says, “But it was my favourite.”

Jongin knows this is a lie. He recognizes the name, and it’s one of the shows Junmyeon took them to see. It was, in fact, Junmyeon’s favourite. Sehun found it boring, as he often did the opera, and told Jongin as such afterwards.

Then again, maybe that wasn’t true. Jongin has come to understand that he never knew Sehun that well after all.



Zitao comes back to the mansion with them. Apparently, he will be staying for the rest of the evening. Like usual, Zitao tips Jongin when they pull up to the estate. Sehun doesn’t even comment this time.

Just as Jongin is about to get back into the car, he hears Zitao say to Sehun, “Let’s have another game of chess. I’m sure I’ll beat you this time.”

“We’ll see.” Sehun says.

Jongin’s hand hovers by the driver’s door. He just needs to get in and park the car and then he can go to the servants quarters. That’s his routine. He just needs to do it.

But this new knowledge has rooted him to the spot. Sehun has found a new chess partner.

This, for whatever reason, is the last push Jongin needs to give up on Sehun.



When Jongin enters the servants hall and passes by the kitchen, he’s surprised to see Kyungsoo sitting at the table, going through a pile of old letters from his family.

“What are you doing back?” Jongin asks, startling Kyungsoo. “Aren’t the others still at the fair?”

Kyungsoo nods, still collecting himself, “Yes, they are. I just wanted to come back early.”

“Why? Weren’t you having fun?”

Kyungsoo shrugs. “I guess so, but I’m not very good with crowds. It got to be a bit too much.”

“So you’re just going to sit around reading old letters the rest of the night?”

“Looks like it. What about you? What are you going to do?”

“I dunno. I’ve gotta stay here, though. Wait until the young master’s ready to send his friend home.”

“Oh.” Kyungsoo says. He’s not meeting Jongin’s eyes anymore, and his face has flushed, like usual.

Jongin decides he’s tired of this. “Look, Kyungsoo, I’m sorry about what happened a few weeks ago. If I’d known you were changing I wouldn’t have gone in.”

“It’s not a big deal...”

“It obviously is.” Jongin sits down across from him. “Can we just forget about it and go back to normal? I miss talking to you.”

“I guess.” Kyungsoo mumbles, but Jongin knows he’s still not okay. It’s going to take more than just asking for them to return to normal.

Suddenly, Jongin gets an idea. He stands up. “Wait here. I’ll be back in a minute.”

Kyungsoo watches curiously as Jongin leaves the kitchen.



A little over ten minutes later Jongin returns. It took longer for him to find it than he thought it would.

“What’s that?” Kyungsoo asks, eyes wide on the board under Jongin’s arm.

“Chess.” Jongin says, sliding it onto the table, “I’m going to teach you how to play.”

Kyungsoo looks even more surprised. “You know how to play?”

Kyungsoo, Jongin remembers, doesn’t know about Jongin’s past on the estate. “Yeah. I picked it up when I was a kid.”

“Where did you get this?” Kyungsoo asks, gesturing to the board and box of chess pieces.

“From the library.”

“Won’t we get in trouble if someone finds out we’re using it?”

“No one’s gonna find out. The master never plays and the young master has his own table. This hasn’t been used for years. I’d say it’s gotten pretty lonely. So what do you say?”

Hesitantly, Kyungsoo agrees. Grinning, Jongin starts setting up the board. The last time he did this was after losing a match to Sehun, three years ago.

Now that he thinks about it, it was right before their fight about Luhan. It seems so trivial now, after all that’s happened, but Jongin pushes the thoughts away and focuses on teaching Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo picks it up rather quickly – more quickly than Jongin did when he was first taught – but the cook is still just a beginner. Their first match isn’t a real one. Jongin uses it to walk Kyungsoo through the game, pointing out good moves and bad moves and giving advice. Sehun didn’t do this for him. Sehun had told him how each piece could move and how to win the game, and nothing else. Sehun had let Jongin learn through experience, and beat him brutally at each match all the way.

Their first real match takes a little under an hour. Jongin wins, which he expected since Kyungsoo is a beginner, but he still feels a bit pleased. He’s never won at chess before.

“When do you have to drive the young master’s friend back home?” Kyungsoo asks.

Jongin glances at the clock behind him. “Not for another hour.”

“So we have time for another game?” Kyungsoo asks shyly.

Jongin smiles.



Jongin doesn’t return the chess board to the library; what he said to Kyungsoo was true, after all. It hasn’t been used in years, so no one will notice it’s missing. Instead he hides it in their room. Some nights when they have time to themselves or when they have a day off, Jongin and Kyungsoo have another match.

Kyungsoo has gotten much better at the game. He’s even beaten Jongin a few times, although Jongin tends to win the majority. Jongin finds he doesn’t mind being beaten by Kyungsoo, who doesn’t brag, just smiles a little at his unexpected victories. Sehun was never so modest. It wasn’t that he ever bragged about winning. He just treated it as a tedious, predictable outcome, and would then belittle Jongin’s chess skills, and sometimes his intelligent on a whole.

Overall, Kyungsoo is much nicer than Sehun.

“You’ve gotten really good.” Jongin tells Kyungsoo one night, after Kyungsoo has beaten him twice in a row.

Kyungsoo blushes at the compliment and says, “I had a good teacher.”

The next morning isn’t so pleasant. There’s been something wrong with the car’s engine and Jongin has decided to take a look at it, for he has picked up a bit of this trade over the years, before sending it off to an actual mechanic. If he can fix it himself, all the better. He won’t have to go to Yifan about it then. Jongin doesn’t particularly like talking to Yifan, and knows that the older man feels the same way about him. If not out of respect for Junmyeon, Jongin doubts Yifan would keep him employed.

Jongin is working on the engine when he hears someone come into the garage. He’s surprised to see it’s Kyungsoo, who’s fair complexion has turned scarlet.

“What’s wrong?” Jongin asks, putting down his tools.

Kyungsoo glances around skittishly, then walks over to him and whispers, “Yixing just came down to the kitchen, sent by the master.”

Jongin is surprised by this. Yifan usually doesn’t send his butler to do anything. Although Yixing is supposed to keep the house in order, he’s rather forgetful, which Yifan seems well aware of. He still keeps the man employed, which Jongin will never understand.

“What did Yixing say?”

“He said that it’s come to the master’s attention that a chess board and pieces are missing from the library. He thinks one of us has taken them!” Kyungsoo looks absolutely frantic and his voice rises in a squeak, “What should we do? I thought you said no one would notice!”

“Don’t worry. I’ll sneak into the library tonight and put it back. They’ll never know.”

This doesn’t seem to calm Kyungsoo, “What if you get caught!”

“I won’t. I’ll wait until everyone’s asleep.” Jongin gives Kyungsoo’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “Relax. It’s not such a big deal. The board isn’t even worth that much. You know what the master’s like. He just wants to seem intimidating.”

“I guess so...”

“Really, it’ll be fine. I’ll take care of it.”

Finally Kyungsoo seems calm enough to return to the kitchen. After he has gone, Jongin returns to work on the car, which really does look like it will need to go to the mechanic. It’s getting late, so Jongin decides to put off informing Yifan until tomorrow.

As Jongin locks up the garage, he keeps puzzling over this issue with the chess board. Yifan doesn’t like chess. He probably didn’t even know there was a board in the library, so how did he find out it was missing?



That night, hours after everyone has gone to sleep, Jongin sneaks out of the servants quarters with the chess board under his arm and the box in his hand. He passes by Yixing’s work room, where the butler has fallen asleep at his table, inventory lists and payroll documents strewn before him. Yixing doesn’t stir and Jongin makes it to the main part of the mansion without difficulty.

The library is large and dark. The door gives a faint whine as Jongin shuts it behind him. He lights a candles he has brought and holds it up to guide him through the pitch-black library. He just needs to slip the chess board into its spot under the settee and he can leave.

When Jongin is close enough for candlelight to fall over the settee, he almost drops his candle. He actually drops the box of chess pieces, which scatter and roll across the floor.

Sehun is sitting in front of him.

Reaching down, Sehun deftly picks up the chess piece that has rolled closest to the settee. He turns it between his pale, slender fingers so that the candlelight flickers off the black object. It is a queen.

“I knew it was you.” Sehun says. “You’re the only one who knew were it was, aside from myself, of course.”

Jongin’s mouth is dry and he can’t speak.

“So, you see, I’d know it was you even if I hadn’t seen you steal it.”

“You saw me?” Jongin asks.

“Yes, when I was on my way to a fetch a book Zitao wanted to borrow. Not that I need to explain anything to you.” Sehun eyes the board under Jongin’s arm. “Did you and that little cook have fun?”

Jongin is startled, “How did you know about that?”

“It is my house. I know what happens under my own roof.” Sehun twirls the chess piece between his fingers. “I suppose I should be happy you’ve finally found someone of your own level to play with. And I would be, if you hadn’t stole my property to do so.”

Of all the things Jongin could say, he finds himself snapping, “It isn’t your property! It doesn’t belong to you yet! And besides, no one was using it!”

“Whether it was being used or not, the fact remains that you stole it.”

“I’m returning it now!”

“Only because you were forced to. No, I don’t think returning it is good enough. We could have you arrested for theft.”

“Then I’ll pay for it!” Jongin snaps.

Sehun actually laughs, “You? Pay for it? And where would you get that kind of money?”

“I’ve saved up quite a bit, actually.” Jongin growls. “Your friend tips well.”

Sehun’s eyes narrow and for a moment he doesn’t say anything. Then his expression is impassive again and his gaze roves to the scattered chess pieces on the floor and back to Jongin. “Pick them up.”

Jongin doesn’t move.

“Pick. Them. Up.” Sehun says, “Unless you want me to tell my uncle about this?”

Jongin glares at Sehun as he gets down on his knees and starts collecting the pieces.

“Don’t look at me.” Sehun orders. “Servants should keep their eyes on the ground.”

Jongin’s hands tighten around the chess piece he has picked up. A knight. At this moment, he wants nothing more than to hurl it at Sehun. Instead he puts it in the box and fixes his gaze on the chess pieces as he collects them.

Sehun sits in front of him, watching in silence.

When Jongin is finally done he pushes himself up. Just as he is on his feet Sehun flicks the queen he has been holding, so that it sails past Jongin and rolls into the darkness.

“Go get it.” Sehun says.

“No.”

“Are you really going to refuse me? I could have you fired.”

At this point, Jongin is so mad he doesn’t care. “Then have me fired.”

“Really? You’re okay with that?” Sehun’s lips curl into a vicious little smile, “What if I had that cook fired?”

Jongin goes numb.

“You two have become quite close, or am I wrong? I bet you’d miss him, if he had to go. I bet it would be hard for him to find more work too, if I told Yifan not to give him a reference. What a pity that would be.”

“You’re horrible.” Jongin hisses.

“I don’t think so. If anyone’s horrible here, it’s you. First you steal from your master, then you disobey him. Isn’t that much worse? So,” Sehun waves at the darkness behind Jongin, “Go pick it up.”

Jongin is silent a moment longer before he turns to retrieve the piece. He hates himself for letting Sehun bully him, but he can’t get Kyungsoo into trouble.

“Wait.” Sehun says, and Jongin pauses. “Leave the candle.”

Rage courses through Jongin, but he holds it back as best he can. There is a coffee table in front of the settee. Jongin places the candle there and then steps into the shadows. His one comfort is that here, surrounded by shadows, Sehun cannot see him.

But he can still feel the pale boy watching.

Jongin has to go down on his knees again, and now he is actually crawling around the floor, blind as he searches for the chess piece. He bangs into a bookcase at one point, loud enough so that Sehun must have heard, but he hears nothing from the settee. Clutching his now throbbing head, Jongin continues his search.

It reminds him of the dreams he used to have when he caught the illness three years ago, the ones where he was back at the Carnival, trapped under the stage and searching helplessly for an exit he couldn’t find. Those dreams were always dark and he was always on his knees.

Jongin doesn’t know how much time has passed but he can’t find the chess piece, not without light to see where he has searched and where he has not. Dragging himself to his feet, he returns to the settee.

Sehun looks him over once and says, “Where is it?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know.” Sehun repeats. “I thought your friendship with the cook was worth more than that.”

“I thought our friendship was worth more than this!” Jongin snaps, gesturing violently between them. It’s the first time he’s ever said something like that to Sehun, which is probably why, for a moment, Sehun looks genuinely surprised.

Then Sehun’s mask is back and he says, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You and I were never friends.”

“What would your father think if he heard you say that?!”

“Don’t you dare talk about my father!” Sehun snarls, “You’re the one that killed him!”

“The whole mansion was sick! You know he could have caught it anywhere, so stop using that as your excuse to hate me! If you still want to hate me, then that’s fine, but at least give me a real reason!”

“You want to know why I hate you?!” Sehun yells, and suddenly he’s on his feet, “You want a real reason?! My father visited you instead of me, when both of us were sick – when both of us could have died! You, the poor, Carnival reject! But if that isn’t enough, how about this? You took advantage of my father the whole time he was alive! You kept getting into trouble and acting out, causing more work for the servants and getting yourself injured by just playing in the garden! Do you know how much you cost my father? How much he had to pay the doctor every time you hurt yourself doing something stupid? And then you started going into town, wasting his money there every single day, doing nothing at all! When father finally gave you a good opportunity to make something of yourself through your lessons- to prove you hadn’t been a wasted effort- you decided to have an affair with your tutor! As if your mere existence here weren’t scandal enough! Do you know what would have happened to father’s reputation if someone had found out about that-”

“Affair?!” Jongin breaks in, because he cannot believe what he is hearing, “Why the hell would you think something like that?!”

“Because I saw you two!” Sehun yells, and he is angrier than Jongin has ever seen him, “I saw you and Luhan kissing! I saw you!”

“You... did?” Jongin is dazed. He had long since decided to believe Sehun had not seen the kiss. Sehun had never let on that he had.

“Yes!” Sehun’s voices rises higher and Jongin is surprised when it breaks. “I knew something was going on with you two! I knew it the whole time, but I thought you’d at least... I thought you’d at least tell me! I thought you’d at least do that!”

Jongin doesn’t know where to start. At the time, he’d suspected Sehun had feelings for Luhan, but now he knows for sure. He wants to let Sehun know that he never would have taken Luhan from him. He never would have taken anything that Sehun wanted, because all Jongin himself wanted was for Sehun to be happy. He isn’t sure at what point in their relationship he’d started to feel that way. Maybe it was that first day, when Sehun was sitting in bed with his book, pale and sickly and rude as he tore apart Jongin’s purpose in life at the Carnival. No one had ever gotten to Jongin like that, and never so quickly. But then that night, when they’d first played chess together, Jongin had caught a glimpse of how lonely Sehun was. As lonely as Jongin himself. Yes, Jongin realizes, that was the moment when he first wanted to make Sehun happy.

But now – here, like this – neither of them are happy.

“It was going on for a while, wasn’t it?” Sehun asks, and his voice has grown quiet.

“What was?”

“The affair!” And now Sehun is loud again, “I bet you two took advantage of every ‘lesson’ my father paid Luhan to teach you! You learned a lot from him, didn’t you Kai?”

Jongin winces. He hates the accusations, and he hates the way that Sehun spits his name, even if isn’t his real one. “It wasn’t like that at all. You’ve got it all wrong-”

“I don’t want to hear it!”

“Too bad!” Jongin yells, “Nothing happened between me and Luhan! Not until that night you saw us!”

“And I’m supposed to believe that?”

“Yes! If you really did see us, you must have seen me push him away!”

Sehun is quiet a moment, then he says in a very low voice. “You didn’t push him back right away. You returned the kiss. Then you probably heard me in the hall and pulled back because you didn’t want to get caught – ”

“I didn’t hear anything! I pulled away because I never felt that way about him! I had no idea he felt that way about me until it happened, which was why it took me a moment, because I was that shocked!” Jongin is aware of how desperate he sounds. “I’m sorry about Luhan, but you have to believe me. I knew how you felt, and even if your feelings weren’t returned, I didn’t want something like that to happen. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Sehun just stares at Jongin. It takes Jongin a moment to realizes that, even though Sehun is glaring, his bottom lip has started to tremble.

“My feelings weren’t returned.” Sehun echoes, “I always knew that. The whole time I knew that they weren’t, and they never would be. I just thought I’d be rejected for a woman, not another man.”

“I’m sorry.” Jongin says, because he doesn’t know what else to say. He’s furious but also oddly hurt by the fact that even now Luhan can have this affect on Sehun.

“Don’t be.” Sehun snaps, walking away from the settee. “I gave up on my unrequited feelings a long time ago.”

Sehun disappears into the shadows. Jongin wants to call after him but he’s not sure how to comfort his former friend, or if he even can. He hears the library doors whine open and shut. Jongin is alone, standing in the light of the candle, feeling more lost than when he was crawling around in the dark.



If Sehun decides to go to the firm he’ll always go with Yifan in the morning. Jongin cannot very well talk to Sehun while Yifan is in the car, so he must wait until he goes to pick up Sehun in the afternoon, and hope Zitao will not accompany him. Luckily, when Jongin arrives at the firm later that day it is only Sehun who comes out to the car, as it has been for the past week. Although Jongin wonders what has happened to Zitao, he doesn’t mind the clerk’s absence, even if it’s also the absence of tips.

Jongin is nervous as he drives back to the mansion. It’s not that there’s anything specific he wants to say to Sehun, he just wants to start talking again. He thinks maybe after last night, after Sehun got out everything he wanted to say, it will be possible. But Sehun hasn’t said a word to Jongin. He hasn’t even looked at him.

They reach the mansion without having exchanged a word and Jongin is disappointed. Maybe Sehun does still hate him for all those reasons he listed, even though Jongin explained the situation with Luhan. Or maybe Sehun’s just embarrassed about everything he revealed the night before. Maybe, over time, Sehun will recover and start speaking to him. Jongin can only hope.

As the days pass, however, Sehun remains silent and evasive. He even opens his own door when they get to the mansion, before Jongin has a chance to open it for him.

Over a week has passed since his confrontation with Sehun, and nothing has changed between them. Jongin is coming to accept that they really will never become friends again, that he’ll never have a change to help Sehun find happiness. As Jongin pulls up in front of the firm to pick up Sehun, he thinks about this. He’s jolted from his dismal thoughts when the car takes a moment too long to break and he almost bumps into the car parked ahead of him. This reminds Jongin that he really needs to let Yifan know the car has to go to the mechanic. He still hasn’t done that, and even more problems aside from the engine have begun to surface. It seems the car is nearing the end of its lifespan in every way possible.

Today, Sehun is late leaving the firm. He hasn’t been late since the incident in the library, simply coming out as soon as Jongin arrives and not making him wait. When Sehun steps out of the building, Jongin sees why. Zitao is beside him.

Jongin ignores the pain in his chest.

On the drive back he learns, from what Zitao and Sehun are saying, that Zitao had been back home visiting his family for the period he was away. Jongin cannot help bitterly wishing he had visited longer, but is broken from this thought when Zitao mentions something about a party. Apparently Sehun has told him Yifan is planning to throw a Christmas Party later this month, and that everyone who works in the firm will be invited. Zitao is excited. Jongin is not. He has heard nothing about this beforehand and dreads the thought of a big party like the one Yifan held last year. They’d been short a footman, who had been too ill with a cold to help out, so Jongin had been required to fill in. He’d made mistake after mistake and even if Yixing hadn’t noticed Yifan certainly had, and Yifan’s glares were ten times worse than Yixing’s reprimands. Overall, it had been a taxing embarrassment. This year, if any of the footmen fell ill, Jongin would be sure to make himself scarce long before the party.

After dropping off Sehun and Zitao – who gives him a larger tip than normal, to make up for lost time Jongin supposes – Jongin parks the car and goes straight to the kitchen. Kyungsoo and a couple of the kitchen maids are there. Jongin gives the girls a quick smile, which still manages to make them blush, and turns his attention to Kyungsoo. “Did you know about this party?”

“The Christmas Party?” Kyungsoo asks, “I thought everyone knew about it. Isn’t it an annual event?”

Jongin starts to say that it is not, but then stops himself. Ever since Yifan has become master of the mansion he has been throwing Christmas Parties. Perhaps he threw them every year back at his own, smaller estate, and it is in fact an annual event. Junmyeon never threw Christmas Parties, although they attended one or two, so it doesn’t feel like a tradition to Jongin.

“Do you have a problem with Christmas Parties?” Kyungsoo asks.

“It’s not that. I just had a bad experience last year.” Jongin says. At Kyungsoo’s questioning look, he tells him the story. Halfway through, Kyungsoo is holding back a grin. He actually laughs a little when Jongin gets to the part where he is pouring a glass of wine for the wife of one of Yifan’s business partners and spills a bit on her shawl. She wasn’t looking, and since both the wine and shawl were red, she didn’t notice.

“It’s not funny.” Jongin says, “At least, not that funny. I could have gotten into trouble.”

“That’s never seemed to bother you before.” Kyungsoo says, then seeming to realize what he’s talking about, glances at the kitchen maids. Though they were likely listening to the conversation, they don’t seem to have given Kyungsoo’s comment much mind, attention fully on Jongin.

Suddenly, Kyungsoo looks annoyed. He hands the maids a list from his pocket, instructing them both to go pick up what they need from town. Before they can ask if Jongin will drive them, Kyungsoo says pointedly that it is a nice day for a walk. Disappointed, the maids leave.

Now it’s Jongin’s turn to laugh, “You were kind of ruthless with them, weren’t you?”

“They’re airheaded girls, more focussed on gawking than proper work. You’re not much better you know, distracting them like that.”

Jongin smirks, “And how exactly am I distracting them?”

“You’re...” Kyungsoo waves at him, momentarily at a loss, “You’re... sitting there. And talking. Of course it would distract them.”

“Aren’t I distracting you in the same way?”

Kyungsoo blushes, picking up his knife to get back to chopping vegetables, “That’s different. I’m still working.”

“You are now.” Jongin says, watching how expertly Kyungsoo handles the knife. “You weren’t the entire time I was telling my story.”

Kyungsoo is still flushed. “Then maybe you should leave too, just in case you distract me more.”

“In that case, couldn’t I have given the girls a ride into town?”

“Wouldn’t that have been a bother?”

“Not really.” Jongin says with a shrug, which makes Kyungsoo frown. Then he adds, “I’d rather stay here and distract you, though.”

This makes Kyungsoo smile.



The Christmas party sneaks up on Jongin. Luckily, none of the footmen have fallen ill, so he isn’t required to fill in. The guests are due to arrive in the evening, so everyone is hard at work preparing the mansion for the party. Kyungsoo is frantic, buzzing around the kitchen, getting the food ready. Jongin, who has up till now managed to avoid being assigned a specific task, spends some time bugging Kyungsoo, until he is kicked out of the kitchen. He goes to the garage then, to hide from Yixing who is scouting help to decorate the parlour.

Jongin is in the garage only ten minutes. It’s too cold and he’s not wearing a proper jacket, plus the longer he stays looking at the car the worse he feels about not getting it fixed yet. He just keeps forgetting, and when he does remember he doesn’t want to talk to Yifan about it. He could, of course, just inform Yixing, but he knows the butler will forget, so it’s up to him.

Jongin trudges through the snow back to the house. It started snowing a couple of weeks ago, much to Jongin’s chagrin. For awhile when Junmyeon was alive and Jongin had a warm room and fireplace to return to, he’d loved the snow. Now he’s returned to hating it, much like he did as a child. Snow for chauffer Jongin meant shovelling and guiding the car over potentially icy roads, neither of which were among his favourite things.

The mansion is much warmer, and for a moment Jongin is happy to have returned. Then Yixing spots him and not only hitches him into decorating, but informs him there will be so many guests attending they need him to act as a footman again this year. Of course, Yixing doesn’t add the ‘again’. Jongin wouldn’t be surprised if he’s forgotten Jongin filled in the year before, and how poorly he did.

After helping with the decorations, which Jongin finds much too flashy for someone like Yifan to approve of, Jongin changes into the clothes Yixing has had one of the footmen lend him. They are a little big, but fit well enough for the evening.

The guests start arriving and Jongin goes to the kitchen to retrieve his tray. At least this year he’ll be serving food and not wine. When Kyungsoo sees Jongin dressed as a footman he hides a grin.

“What?” Jongin asks, “Don’t I look handsome?”

“I’m just remembering that story you told me, about the wine.” Kyungsoo says, then adds, “But yes, you do look handsome.”

Jongin smiles at Kyungsoo before picking up his tray and leaving the kitchen.


When the dinner is finally over Jongin is relieved. He finds serving Yifan and his guests stressful, especially since he isn’t fully trained as a footman. What made it even worse was seeing Zitao sitting next to Sehun, in Jongin’s old chair.

The kitchen looks like it has been hit by a hurricane, and so does Kyungsoo. Jongin tries to calm his friend, reassuring him that the difficult part of the night is over now that the guests have retired to the parlour. This doesn’t seem to comfort Kyungsoo, who’s still stressed out from all the activity in his kitchen.

“The second dish was burnt, wasn’t it?” Kyungsoo asks. “I’m sure it was burnt.”

“It wasn’t burnt. They loved it.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t seem to hear him, nattering to himself, “But the dessert, oh that was undercooked. What will the master say? He must have noticed. And the bread was harder than it should have been, even though it was bought earlier today...”

In comparison to Kyungsoo, the kitchen maids have returned to normal, chattering amongst themselves. Jongin sees one of them is holding something that looks like a bit of herb. The kitchen maid explains it’s mistletoe, borrowed from the decorations upstairs, and that they were thinking of hanging it somewhere in the kitchen for the night.

“Can I see it?” Jongin asks, getting an idea. The kitchen maid hands it to him, giggling when she sees the way he’s grinning.

Jongin turns back to Kyungsoo, who’s still off in his own world, talking to himself, “...was probably too salty and the side dishes didn’t compliment each other and – What’s that?” Kyungsoo frowns at what Jongin is holding over his head.

“Mistletoe.” Jongin explains, and leans in to kiss Kyungsoo. It’s only a kiss on the cheek, but it’s enough to make the kitchen maids squeal. Jongin pulls back, smirking at a stunned Kyungsoo.

Suddenly one of the kitchen maids gasps and then both are standing to attention. Jongin follows their gaze, eyes snapping to the young man at the kitchen entrance. It’s Zitao, and he’s grinning to himself.

Jongin barely has time to puzzle over why the clerk has come to the servants quarters, when Zitao says. “I’m sorry to interrupt. I just had to come down and meet the person who prepared that dinner. It was wonderful.”

There’s a pause before Kyungsoo speaks up, introducing himself as the cook. He still seems flustered but remembers to speak politely to the upperclassman.

Zitao doesn’t stay long. He compliments Kyungsoo and even gives him a few coins for the effort he put into the meal. Kyungsoo tries to refuse them, exclaiming it is his job and Yifan already pays him, but Zitao won’t hear of it and leaves the money on the table, which doesn’t surprise Jongin.

The kitchen maids are in a tizzy after Zitao leaves, gushing about how kind and generous and handsome he is. Jongin ignores them, consumed in his own worries. Zitao obviously saw what happened, and seemed amused, but what if he misinterprets it? There’s nothing going on between Jongin and Kyungsoo (Jongin just likes to tease the cook), but what if Zitao thinks there is and tells Sehun? The thought of that happening is like a knot in Jongin’s stomach.



Two days after the Christmas party Sehun summons Jongin to his room. Jongin is full of dread, sure that this is about what Zitao saw in the kitchen. The clerk must have mentioned it to Sehun, who will now use it as an excuse to fire him, or even Kyungsoo, if he is feeling really malicious. Remembering that night in the library, Jongin is afraid it will be the same and Sehun’s grudge against him will surface once more.

When Jongin reaches Sehun’s room and is told to enter, he takes a step over the threshold but no more. It is his first time being in this room in over three years and it feels wrong to enter it again with the way things are between them now. Jongin cannot help it when his eyes stray to the chessboard. Like everything else about the room, it looks just the same.

Sehun is sitting at his desk, back to Jongin. He is writing something, and does not stop when he speaks. “I won’t need you to come pick me up from the firm on Monday. I’ll be staying later and will return home when you come for my uncle. In fact, I will be staying late every day from now on. If that changes, I’ll have you informed.”

Sehun falls silent and the only sound is the scratch of his writing. Jongin swallows and asks. “Is that it?”

“What else would there be?” Sehun finishes writing and picks up the sheet to read over. “Close the door behind you when you leave.”

Jongin stands there only a moment longer before doing as Sehun says. Alone in the hall, Jongin feels relief wash over him. Zitao didn’t tell Sehun what he saw at the party after all.

Mixed with the relief is an odd sense of disappointment, which Jongin forces back. Surely he hadn’t hoped, by calling him to his room, Sehun had wanted to speak to him as anything but a chauffer. There is no way that could happen. Not anymore.