I remember it very well. The day I saw the love of my life. Her blonde hair was in a neat bun as she wore her black goggles that covered her hazel eyes. She was getting ready to do short laps in the swimming pool.

At that time, I still didn’t know who she was. All I was thinking about was to know her name. And I did.

After a week of investigating her, I knew who she was and a little bit about her. She’s smart, that’s why I always see her in the library. She also loves sports especially swimming. The gym is the second place I go to find her if she’s not in the library. No, I’m not a stalker. I just want to follow her around. Ok I admit I am. But that’s because I like her.

She’s in my gym class. I hate my gym teacher but it will now be my favorite class just because her presence is there. Oh yes, I forgot to introduce her. Her name is Im Jin Ah. They call her Nana. But I call her My Princess.

I don’t know if she knows I exist. This may sound a little bit cheesy but she’s the reason of my existence. Of course not literally but… Ugh… I’m such a dork.

I don’t know if she has a lover, surely I want to be it, but I always see her with this good-looking guy named Seunghyun. He’s older than me and has a lot of admirers. I admit, I’m a bit jelly about it. I don’t think they’re lovers though. I hope.

It has been 10 months since I learned all of that about her. Of course I knew more things about her then. She’s from a rich family and an only child. That’s it though.

I still don’t know where she lives. I just imagine her inside a castle waiting for ma to rescue her. Man! Here I am again imagining weird stuffs.

I sighed as I kicked the ground softly preventing the swing to stop. Yes, I’m in a playground now. No one’s here though which made me yearn for her presence. It’s funny how I never talked to her but still misses her. What can I do? I love her.

As I was smiling on a memory of her laughing with her friends, I can feel that someone was approaching me. I didn’t look up and continued smiling to the rock I was kicking.

The person sat on the empty swing and asked. “You look happy. Mind if I ask why?” A beautiful voice of a girl filled my ears and made me look at her. With the speed I used to switch my gaze to her, my vision was a bit blurry to the sudden change of sight until it cleared and landed on a face of an angel. It was her.

I fell off the swing with a yelp and felt her hand on my shoulders trying to help me while asking rapidly if I was ok. Oh princess, if you only knew.

In a flash I was standing and cleaning myself with a pink-tainted cheeks due to embarrassment and maybe because my crush was here.

“I – I’m fine.” I stuttered avoiding her hot gaze on me.

“Are you sure? You don’t look okay. Did I scare you? I’m really sorry.” She said. I bravely met with her eyes and regretted it. I can’t breathe. I never talked to her before. Is this a dream? I hope not. “Uhmm… Kris, are you there?” Holy cow!! She knows my name! I staggered a bit after I nodded. “I’m truly sorry.” She bowed her head but I can see her frowning.

“No, you didn’t scare me! Not at all!” I explained. She smiled. Fudge! She really did! I think this is the end of me.

“I’m Jinah by the way. You can call me Nana.” She offered her hand which I gradually took and shook it.

“I’m -”

“Kris” She said smiling. “I know.” She finished still shaking my hand. After she pulled away I immediately missed her touch.

After our short introduction I changed the topic about her then she’ll change it to me. We’ve learned a lot of things about each other. It was an event of my life.

Five hours passed and she said she has to go because her parents might be looking for her now. I waved as she smiled and walked away.

I was too shocked to move. I can’t believe we’re friends. In all my high school life I never thought something like this could happen.

It’s summer right now and that’s wh I can’t meet her at school. I forgot to ask for her number and email. I’m such an idiot.

We meet for three days straight in the playground. Same time 1:00 pm, Five hours a day.

Today’s the fourth day Sept. 30 and she was wearing a white sundress that made her look like a goddess. Some of her hair was in a braid and her scent was the smell of an unknown flower. She looks sad today. It made me sad as well.

“Are you okay?” I ask her worriedly waiting for an answer.

“It’s my dad” She said sighing.

“What about him?”

“He’s in the hospital for three days now. It’s all because of me.”  She said on the verge of tears while she covered her face with her right hand.

I tried to comfort her by throwing my arm around her petite figure. She felt so vulnerable in my arm right now. If only I could do something.

“Nana, don’t cry please.” I said. “Whatever happened I’m sure that wasn’t your fault.” I wanted to call her baby that time. If only she was mine.

She was sobbing now and I know I have to hug her and I did. Nana poured all her emotions and pain on hey tears. She’s hugging me tightly now.

“Kris, I know you care for me. I know you like me. I know you love me.” She said everything in three sentences. I said nothing. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice this before.” My crush said caressing my face. “I guess we’re just not meant for each other.”

“What?” I exclaimed dazzled.

“We can’t be together.”

“Is it because you don’t love me back?” I asked, sad. She looked at me in the eyes and shook her head. “Then what is it?” It’s as if my heart was being crushed right now hearing that we can’t be together coming from her.

“I love you the same way, Kris.” I froze. I wasn’t moving at all. “I love you more than anything.” Another tear came out from her eye and I couldn’t take it anymore. I wiped her tear with my thumb and pressed my lips on hers.

“We love each other. Why can’t we be together?” I heard her sniffles and she smiled after that. “Saranghaeyo, Im Jin Ah. I was born to love you.” I said it. The only thing I wanted to say to her.

“That’s just the way it is. You’ll meet a better woman in the future.”

“There’s NO better woman than you, Nana!” I was mad now. My voice is louder now. Why won’t she just accept my love?

“Kris listen to me. I’m nothing.”

“Nothing? NOTHING?! You’re my everything. I thought you knew that?” I can feel my eyes stinging. I resisted it.

 She’s quiet now. I quickly apologized and she said it was alright. “If I was you I would have done the same.” I hugged her after she said that.

“Is it because of Seunghyun?”

She smiled and nodded. “Yes.” So they really were together. My heart’s broken. I nodded and stood up.

“I’ll see you tomorrow at school.” I said not looking at her. It was the last day of summer.

“No you won’t.” I heard her say.

I scoffed still not looking at her. “Don’t worry, I know where you always are. I can find you. I will.” It was true but I probably won’t look for her. I’m still a broken-hearted man.

“Kris, please stay.” She begged and pleaded while holding my hand. Still, I’m not looking at her.

“I – I have to go now. Just ask Seunghyun for company.” I tried to hide the quiver of my voice. I’m crying now and it started to rain. “I’m sorry.” I walked away from her not giving her one  last glance and felt her hand let go of mine. “It hurts but I still love you.” I murmured when I was sure I was far enough to be heard.

I haven’t slept at all. I went to school exhausted and tired. I have no friends at school so I don’t hear a lot of news and rumors spreading all over the school. That’s probably why I didn’t know they were together. Speaking of her, I haven’t seen her the whole day.

I decided to confront Seunghyun. I saw him inside the chapel alone. I walked to him and said “So you’re together, huh?” I said with a hint of anger and jealousy.

“What?” he said confused. Wait, is he in drugs? He looks tired and has a bloodshot eyes.

“You and Nana, you’re together, am I right?”

“What crap are you talking about, Kris?” He knows me? As if he heard my thought “Yes, I know you. You’re all she talks about.” He bowed his head and covered his face.

“Hey look at me when I’m talking to you. What do you mean I’m all she talks about?” I asked him curious.

“It doesn’t matter.” He said not looking at me.

“Of course it does. Where is she anyway?”

He stood up and pushed me on the chest making me move a step back. He’s mad. “What are you playing at?” He asked me. “You don’t know do you?”

“Know what?”

“She’s dead! My cousin is dead.” He exclaimed shaking.

With his tone and expression I’m pretty sure he’s not joking. But I can’t just believe what he said.

I said nothing. I shook my head. I tried to convince myself that she’s not. I ran. I ran as fast as I can towards the library but she’s not there. Everyone was staring at me and I didn’t care. I ran towards the gym and didn’t saw her. I was panicking. I stopped running at the big oak tree that I always hang out when I study. I punched the trunk really hard. Seunghyun was running towards me.

“You didn’t know…. I’m sorry.”

“H – how do you know I was here?

“She told me. She’s your stalker, you know.”

“How? How did she…. ” I didn’t finish my question but he understood.

“Nana’s father wasn’t a gentle father. He always beats up her mom and sometimes her too. But one day, her bastard father was drunk and he just suddenly became very violent and started beating her mom. Nana loves her mom. She even loves her stupid father. She helped her mom by pushing and punching her dad away. To help her bruised mother. Her father saw this and then grabbed a knife. She does judo so she was able to get the knife from him but unfortunately he has a gun. He shot her on her right chest and aimed for her mother. That’s when she stabbed him and pushed him on the floor making him unconscious. She immediately lost her consciousness and her mom called the police. She was declared dead on arrival.” Seunghyun finished with a tear.

I wanted to cry but I can’t. “W – When did this happened?”

“It happened four days ago. September 27.” I didn’t say a thing. I just sobbed in front of a guy and some students that passed by. I don’t care. I don’t care about anything anymore.

That day, I skipped school and went to her grave. It was raining while I was crying. “I found you. I told you I will. I – I always do.” I stifled a sob as the rain became heavier. “So, that’s why we can’t be together, huh? I didn’t know you were a good liar.” I kneeled on the muddy grass and punched it. I screamed her name. No one was there even if there is I’ll still scream. I don’t care, remember?

I miss her. I regretted leaving her yesterday. She even begged for me to stay. I’m soaked now. With my tears, rain, and mud. I don’t care. “Wy did you still comeback? You were already gone before we met.” I sobbed harder.

“Because I need to.”

I was certain it was her voice. I looked up and there she was. She wasn’t soaked with rain. It’s as it wasn’t raining. She still looks like an angel. And I mean it.

I stood and hugged her tightly. “Nana, don’t go. Baby, please don’t go.” I pleaded crying on her shoulder. “I love you.”

“I love you more, Kris. You’re my first love.” I felt her kissed my cheek. I looked at her and saw a tear on her cheek. She smiled. “Don’t cry. I won’t go anywhere. I will always be in your heart.” She placed her hand on my chest and pecked my lips. “I’ve always loved you from the moment I saw you in the gym when I was doing laps. I loved you then. Always and forever.” That was her last words to me. That was the last time I saw her.

She’s not gone. Her scent remained. Her love remained. In my heart, always and forever.

My story ended that way. That was my destiny.

It was my inevitable fate.

                                                                                                                                                                                         -Wu Yi Fan “Kris”